It's exactly like Go Ask Alice, but with Diedrich Bader instead of Peyote

So, the most amazing thing happened this morning, I...

I'm sorry... what?

2 and a half years...?

Really...?

Oh. Yeah.  About that...

It's fairly obvious to the casual observer that I'm not a bold user of social media.  This is for the fairly obvious reason.  I'm old and change frightens me.  Also, those kids keep walking across my lawn.

So, in addition to things like, say, forgetting about having a blog since the US had a functioning President*, I'm also not heavy into social media.  I have accounts with Twitter and Instagram, and was signed up on Tumblr until a few weeks ago when they stopped allowing pornogr a free exchange of ideas. But I rarely, if ever, look at or post on any of them.

*Seriously, who would have imagined that we'd be looking back at 2016 with longing regret?  We'd just lost Prince, Bowie, and Alan freaking Rickman** and I still think of Summer 2016 as that last moment before hope died.

** In hindsight, I wonder if the universe wasn't just politely sidling up to sufficiently cool and deserving people at the time, having a quiet word in their ear about upcoming events, and then discretely asking if they'd like to consider settling their check and making an early evening of it.

 So, there I was, pleasantly settled into curmudgeonly ludditolitry - if I might coin a phrase - when for some reason this last week a bizarre and unexpected transformation began taking place.

I started actually looking at my Twitter feed.

It's actually down to the fact that for the last couple of years I've been writing reviews for Douxreviews.com, and they're very on top of their twitter game.  Every time I post a review of something a tweet goes out notifying the world (and me) that said review exists, and provides a helpful link to read same.

So, because I'm drawn irresistibly to things with my name on them, I've gotten into the habit of  looking at other, non-me-related things on Twitter while I'm there.  It's a slippery slope, people. 

So, having gone from a person who has signed up for Twitter and resolutely ignored it, I'd become one of those people that reads things on Twitter.  And actively checks Twitter for said things to read.

At some point Twitter suggested that I follow Diedrich Bader.  I'm not sure exactly why, but I totally recommend it.  He's got a nice line in a kind of charming 'just another guy hanging out in the garage' vibe that leads me to believe that if you were hanging out with him and he suggested stealing a fire engine to drive to Mexico, then you'd totally do it because it sounded like such a reasonable suggestion at the time.*

*If you and Mr. Bader do attempt to steal a fire truck, be aware that they generally start with an ignition switch instead of a key, and you have to engage the battery first.  Also, they can be kind of a pig on gas, so expect to have to fill up again by the time you hit Rochester.**

**If you're starting in Minneapolis or surrounding suburbs.

Diedrich Bader, if the name doesn't immediately ring a bell, is currently playing Greg on the sitcom American Housewife, but if you Google him with your image search on you're pretty much guaranteed to go, 'Oh, him.  He was <that guy> in <that thing I liked>.'  Seriously, dude's been in a lot of cool stuff.

So, this morning he tweeted (see, I'm adopting the vernacular now) about a very amusing dream he had involving Allison Janney and Idris Elba, and something came over me.

I responded to his tweet, which I know is different from retweeting, and I don't think has a separate name for it other than 'responded', but it might and I don't care, because a few minutes later Diedrich Bader freaking 'liked' my tweet and responded (possibly another word) right back to it!.

And I have no idea what's happening to me now, but I swear to freaking God it was like I just unwrapped the Barbie I'd been hoping for all freaking year and I totally want to be a social media icon now!!  I want to tweet clever things now!  I want to please a clamoring pool of followers!!  I want to learn how to check and see if I have any followers!!  What exactly is a Youtube deal, and how do I get one??  Instagram - that's the one for pictures of food, right??  How does Tumblr's financial model not fall apart once they factor in the drop in usage that inevitably goes hand in hand with banning pictures of... you know what, we're not talking about Tumblr right now.

I get it, social media.  I have taken my first hit of interactive messaging, and the rush is heady and sweet, and I want me more.

I'm through the looking glass here, people.

For more 42nd Vizsla, follow me on... one of those...  app... things.  Just as soon as I figure out what my name is on them...

More Uninformed Thoughts About Social Media

So... where were we...

Ah, right.  Social media and my complete lack of accurate information regarding it.

The rules are the same as Friday - I'll bring up a social media platform, give a brief account of what I think it is, then go away and do the research and see how far off I was. 

Today we're delving into the murkier depths, so I plan on being more wrong than usual.  Just FYI.

Let's start again with one that I actually belong to -

LinkedIn

Pre-Research (or 'presearch', a word I am totally coining right this very moment.  Let's see how long it takes before it turns up on Vampire Diaries.)-

This one is (from the little time I've spent on it) a big electronic cocktail party where every professional person you've ever met tries to get jobs for or from one another.  Basically it's Facebook where you're only allowed to talk about how awesome you are at your job. 

Also there is now apparently an 'endorse' feature, which sort of allows you to pinky swear to the world that 'so and so' is good at 'random skill'. 

Unfortunately they have immediately gone out of their way to make that function completely useless by making it some sort of popup button that asks you if you want to endorse so and so for whatever verb it suggests, thus rendering the recommendation completely unreliable.  I personally have been endorsed for my skills in Dutch Needlework, Playing the Baritone Ukelele and Ovulating.

Post-Research-

According to LinkIn, they are - 'a business-oriented social networking service. Founded in December 2002 and launched on May 5, 2003, it is mainly used for professional networking'

Also their logo looks a bit like a boss bending an employee over and preparing to vigorously roger them from behind.

OK, it doesn't really, unless you already have that image planted in your brain.  But from now on you're going to think of that every time you look at their logo.  You're welcome.

Reddit

Presearch-

I have a sort of vague idea that this has something to do with letting other people know what you're been reading.  But that may well be just because the name sounds like 'Read it' so that could be a load of hooey. 

Post-Research-

Hmmm.  Well according to Reddit, Reddit is 'The Front Page of the Internet', which seems a little cocky.  In practice what it appears to be is an online news source where the 'news' content is just submitted by any old person (as long as they're registered) and then voted 'up' or 'down' by the rest of the readership.

Because, I don't know about you, but I've often thought that the problem with reliable news sources is that they don't completely eliminate editors and fact checking and then rate the validity of the news based on audience popularity.

Don't we already have Fox for that?

On the other hand, it does currently have a link titled 'Man Locks Himself In Hot Car To Prove That Babies And Dogs Are Cowards'  So there's that.

Foursquare

Presearch - 

I genuinely have absolutely no idea what Foursquare does or is.  I'm not even 100% sure that it even exists and isn't just something I had a weird dream about.

Post-Research-

Why in God's name would I ever want to do that? 

Seriously?  

OK, so apparently you can become a mayor of a fictional concept-village by being the one who tells the most people where you're going out to eat.

If you're Tony Soprano, you'll probably want to pass on this one.

Pinterest

Presearch - 

A place to make your own personal collection of pictures of cats and gardening.

Post-Research- 

Wow.  That is a lot of pictures of food.

What I Dimly Understand About Social Media

You know how it is.  One night you go to bed next to your Commodore 64 which is cheerfully running Windows 79AD, and when you wake up there are suddenly four billion different social networks that everybody seems to be talking to each other on.  Plus, have you seen the way that the kids are dressing these days?

Perhaps it's my advancing years (6 days left for birthday gift shopping, btw) but I can't be the only one who's having an increasingly difficult time keeping track of all of the different networks, apps and media sites that have cropped up, each one dedicated to increasing our contact with each other by ensuring that none of us actually sees another living human being ever again.

And so, because I give and I give, I'm diving into the murky world of social media so that you don't have to do the research yourself.

You're welcome.

So, unusually for this column, we're going to follow a bit of a structure today. I'll name the Social Media in question, explain what I think it is, then go away and look it up and report back my results. 

Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.

Let's start with the obvious one -

FACEBOOK

My Initial Thoughts-

Clearly I am aware of Facebook, as that's the most likely way that you've encountered and are reading this column.  Facebook is a website (and mobile app) that acts as a vehicle for people to promote their creative projects, advertise that they are playing Candy Crush, and repost political articles deliberately intended to piss off any Facebook friends they might have who have different political leanings

"Boy, that article link on Facebook totally changed my opinion on that touchy political subject"
                                                                       -No one, Ever.

After Research-

Yep, it's still there.  Although I had forgotten 'Thinly veiled cries for help' and 'Insipid inspirational quotes demanding that you 'share' them.'

MYSPACE

My Initial Thoughts-

Now, I'm not actually 100% sure that Myspace even still exists.  If it does I once heard it most accurately described as 'The Internet's abandoned amusement park' which pretty much sums it up.  The Betamax to Facebook's VHS (or HDDVD to their Blu-ray if you prefer), it's sad remains serve as a reminder to all of us of the importance of product placement.

After Research -

Wow.  That is a LOT of ads. 

It appears that the good people at MySpace have given up on the 'interacting' part of the game and have instead embraced treating everyone and everything as needing to be put in one big catalog.  This means that they will undoubtedly fall asleep under a Victorian house and cause all sorts of trouble later for Sophie Aldred. (That one was for Travis.  You're welcome.)

INSTAGRAM

My Initial Thoughts -

I'm told that this App is exclusively for posting pictures of Cats and Food.  Like Texting and Facebook got drunk and had a child who really, REALLY cared about selfies.

After Research -

Well, according to their web page - 'Instagram is a fast, beautiful and fun way to share your life with friends and family.'  In reality this appears to mean that you sign up for an account (Like Facebook) and immediately begin photographing everything you eat.  There were also some pictures of kids, but I have not yet encountered any cats.  This may - admittedly - be due to my relatively small sample set

SNAPCHAT

My Initial Thoughts -

Apparently it's entirely for taking pictures of your own genitalia and sending them to other Snapchat users in the hopes that they don't know how to take a screenshot and therefore won't be able to save the picture and ruin your Senate career.

After Research -

The Snapchat official line is - 'Enjoy fast and fun mobile conversation! Snap a photo or a video, add a caption, and send it to a friend. They'll view it, laugh, and then the Snap disappears'.  

So yes, it's all about penis photos.  Also there appears to be some sort of video conferencing feature which I assume is also used for similar shenanigans and not, as their PR material would claim, to announce that someone has just bought a puppy.


Tune in Monday for part II where we tackle the likes of Reddit, Tumblr, Fouresquare and more