Vizsla Flashback - Less Common Vampire Stereotypes

Sure, we all know the biggies when it comes to common Vampire Stereotypes.  Afraid of Garlic (mostly accurate), not much for tanning (very true), sleep in coffins (untrue.  And as it turns out, insulting.  Sorry again, Don)

Now, thanks to the Twilight franchise we also know that Vampires apparently roll in glitter*.  So this seemed like a reasonable time to address some other, lesser known stereotypes about the living-limited.

*Which, since glitter is what unicorns bleed, kind of makes sense.  At least, as much as anything in that franchise.

1:  Vampires all know a lot of guys named Al.

- OK, it's true that the stats kind of back this one up.  I mean, Minnesota Senator Al Franken alone has about 1 hundred Vampire contacts in his Outlook folder.  But in his defense, as a US Senator he's supposed  to work with lawmakers on the other side of the aisle, so you can't really blame him.

Validity rating - 6/10

2:  Vampires are all bad at math

- Hey, we were all thinking it.  I mean, my pal Ernie the Flayer knows almost nothing about quadratic equations.  Nothing.

Validity rating - 9/10

3:  Vampires are all members of Zydeco bands

-This one probably stems from the heavy vampire population in and around Louisiana.  But honestly.  This is just small mindedness.  I know many vampires, and only a few of them are in Zydeco bands.  Like, 7 of them at most.

Validity rating - 2/10

4:  Vampires are a literary metaphor for the aristocracy living entirely on the work of the common people and giving nothing back to society.

-That's just crazy talk.  They're clearly a visual metaphor for 'Things Teenage girls think are sexy'.  Honestly, do a little research.

Validity rating - 0/10

5:  Vampires are lazy and just sneaking into this country illegally to steal our jobs, despite the inherent contradiction between those two things.

- Don't be stupid.  That's Chupacabras.

Validity Rating - 1/10

The V Word

Sometimes a conversation that you've had literally hundreds of times before can still yield some unexpected twists.

Case in point - I was having that same old 'Would you rather be a Vampire or a werewolf' conversation the other day*

*Werewolf.  The correct answer is always werewolf.

The person I was speaking to came down on the side of vampire, but acknowledged that there might be a logistical hitch as she is a vegan.

This led to an hours long debate as to whether or not consuming human blood counted as a no-no according to strict veganism.

In the end, research seemed to indicate that it all depended on whether or not you consider a human being an animal.  If yes, then no-go for Vegan Vampire, which feels like a win for the anti-evolution crowd somehow, but I can't exactly put my finger on how.

Less Common Vampire Stereotypes

Sure, we all know the biggies when it comes to common Vampire Stereotypes.  Afraid of Garlic (mostly accurate), not much for tanning (very true), sleep in coffins (untrue.  And as it turns out, insulting.  Sorry again, Don)

Now, thanks to the Twilight franchise we also know that Vampires apparently roll in glitter*.  So this seemed like a reasonable time to address some other, lesser known stereotypes about the living-limited.

*Which, since glitter is what unicorns bleed, kind of makes sense.  At least, as much as anything in that franchise.

1:  Vampires all know a lot of guys named Al.

- OK, it's true that the stats kind of back this one up.  I mean, Minnesota Senator Al Franken alone has about 1 hundred Vampire contacts in his Outlook folder.  But in his defense, as a US Senator he's supposed  to work with lawmakers on the other side of the aisle, so you can't really blame him.

Validity rating - 6/10

2:  Vampires are all bad at math

- Hey, we were all thinking it.  I mean, my pal Ernie the Flayer knows almost nothingabout quadratic equations.  Nothing.

Validity rating - 9/10

3:  Vampires are all members of Zydeco bands

-This one probably stems from the heavy vampire population in and around Louisiana.  But honestly.  This is just small mindedness.  I know many vampires, and only a few of them are in Zydeco bands.  Like, 7 of them at most.

Validity rating - 2/10

4:  Vampires are a literary metaphor for the aristocracy living entirely on the work of the common people and giving nothing back to society.

-That's just crazy talk.  They're clearly a visual metaphor for 'Things Teenage girls think are sexy'.  Honestly, do a little research.

Validity rating - 0/10

5:  Vampires are lazy and just sneaking into this country illegally to steal our jobs, despite the inherent contradiction between those two things.

- Don't be stupid.  That's Chupacabras.

Validity Rating - 1/10

Congratulations! You're a Monster!

First of all, let us reassure you that as bewildered and confused as you are undoubtedly feeling at this moment, it will certainly get better.  So take a moment, get a few deep breaths (if you still feel the need and have the capacity (We'll get to that in a moment)) and find your happy place.

You have, in all likelihood, just awoken in a strange environment with little to no idea how you've arrived there. Possibly you have some minor wounds about the neck, face or throat, and you woke up clutching the pamphlet which you are currently reading.  You may be in the woods, crypt, mausoleum, or - in rare circumstances - Mexican strip club.

We are proud to be able to tell you that you are the proud participant in our brand new Monster Orientation Outreach Initiative (MOOI).

For many many years - centuries even - the main handicap that new monsters face upon their first arising is simply a heck of a lot of questions and diddly-poop for answers.  Well, we at MOOI have created this program using recently made available government funds in order to address this critical problem.

We sincerely hope that this makes the experience more pleasant for everyone involved.

Feedback can be submitted online at www.MonsterOrientationOutreachInitiativeFeedbackHotline.org, 

or in person at Famous Daves, Beloit, Wisconsin.  Ask for Vicki.

 

1. Accepting the situation

As you've probably already understood from the introductory paragraph, we must inform you that you are now a Monster.

We realize that this can be a difficult transition for many of you, so feel free to take a moment before proceeding.

All settled in with the concept?

Good, we'll proceed.

Now, we at MOOI recognize that the word 'Monster' has, in our modern times, been given a highly undeserved pejorative patina, so we would like to reassure you of the following - Being a 'Monster' in no way makes you a 'Bad Person'.  or 'Bad Ex-Person', as the case may be.  Outside of the occasional blind-rage-fueled-killing-spree/Insatiable-blood-lust, you're still the same ole' good hearted Becky-Sue from East Moline (substitute your own name/attribution here)

So take a moment at the first opportunity to look right in a mirror, and - assuming you still cast a reflection therein- look yourself right in the eyes and say '(Insert Name Here).  I am a monster.  And I LIKE me.'

Repeat as often as necessary to keep that self-esteem up.  A positive self-image is VERY important to new monsters.

2. Identifying type and common weaknesses.

It's vital - as a new monster - to be aware of the things that, while they seemed innocuous in the past, will now probably kill you if you aren't careful.

Vampire - 

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a vampire -

- Check the teeth.  Sharp and pointy Canines?  Try thinking really angry.  How about now?
- Examine your neck for signs of entry wound - possibly bite shaped
- feelings of weakness/pernicious anemia
- memory of stranger (possibly acquaintance) biting your throat and forcing you to drink their blood in return.  (in which case you really should accept at least partial responsibility for the situation yourself.)

Things to watch out for

-Crosses.  Yes, I'm sorry, devoutly Catholic newly made Vampire, but unfortunately you know live as mockery to the very Lord you once served and pollute his holy works.  Sorry about that.  Mass is probably a no-go for you.
 -Garlic.  Now, we feel for you on this one.  Garlic is delicious and has many health benefits.  However you're pretty much immortal now anyway, so take some solace in that (See Section 4)
 -Running Water.  Yes, I don't know why either, but there it is.
 -Sunlight.  OK, this one is a biggie.  Do not be fooled into thinking SPF 4000 is going to handle it.  Seriously.  Just stay out of the sun.

Werewolf -

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Werewolf -

- Did you find yourself waking up naked in the woods?
-Quickly check your body for scratches or bites.  They will probably be healing fairly quickly, so you'll want to get on that right away.
-Memory of being attacked by a large animal, but wake next to the dead body of a naked man?  Sure, we all had that happen in college, but this time it's different.

Things to watch out for

-Silver (Particularly bullets) - Sure, Getting shot with a silver bullet is going to hurt anybody.  But for you there is no longer any such thing as a flesh wound here.  As soon as you can say 'No big deal, it only grazed me', they're already finding your dead naked body in a churchyard and drawing unflattering conclusions about your personal life.

-Accidentally mauling loved ones.  We'll talk more about this in section 3

Zombie

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Zombie -

-Did you just crawl out of a grave with your name on it?
-Did you wake up with chunks missing?
-Are pieces of you that you quite hoped to use one day falling off?

Things to watch out for.

-Beheading.  yup, that's it.  Other than that you're golden.  Knock yourself out.

Frankenstein Monster

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Frankenstein Monster -

-Do you have a lot more stitches than you recall having before?
-Do you recall dying?  Not once, but actually many times?
-Are pieces of you... how to put this delicately... more sizey than they previously were?  Feel free to run to the restroom and check.  We'll wait.

Things to watch out for.

-Fire.  While it won't actually do a lot of damage to you, it will cause you to freak out disproportionately, which is embarrassing.

-Getting your literary reference wrong.  Look - you're a Frankenstein MONSTER.  NOT Frankenstein.  Frankenstein was the scientist, NOT the monster.  Seriously, have a little respect for your own history.

-Torch Wielding villagers.  They are NOT coming by for a Tupperware party

Mummy

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Mummy -

-Did you wake up in a sealed sarcophagus? (This is a dead giveaway)
-Are you Egyptian royalty?
-Do you feel compelled to roam a museum chanting 'Coin... Coin...'

Some things to watch out for.

-Well, you probably want to make sure you have that Book of the Dead locked down somewhere.
-Raining down the plagues of Egypt is not a great way to make new friends.

3.  Sensible Precautions (For applicable species)

Vampire

-Find safe sleeping arrangements
-Procure bug-eating henchman
-Explore volunteer opportunities at Red Cross

Werewolf 

-Identify Cage strong enough to hold you during full moons (assuming you don't want to maul loved ones.)

4.  Things to Enjoy About the New You!

Vampire

-You can control Wolves now!
-Everybody thinks your SUPER sexy!
-You're going to LOVE to night scene!
-Turn into a Bat! or Mist! 
-Follow immortal beloved's trail through Time!

Werewolf

-One night a month you either lock yourself up or let 'er rip.  You are a LOW maintenance Monster!
-Everybody thinks you are SUPER sexy as well!
-You get to wake up naked in public with an AWESOME legitimate excuse!
-Mmmm, Sheep!

Zombie

-Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-You take a lickin' and keep on tickin', buddy!
-Mmmm, Brains!

Frankenstein Monster

-Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-Remember how you wanted to meet more people?  Well now you ARE more people!
-Exciting new color palette/body type to work with! 

Mummy

-Pardon us for repeating, but...Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-Chance to avenge yourself against the ancestors of your cursed enemies, and who doesn't love that?!
-Your wardrobe budget?  About to go WAY down!

5.  Conclusion

With all this in mind, we hope that you choose to embrace your new destiny as a creature of darkness and find the fun in everlasting damned half-life.  Remember - What you get out of it depends on what you put into it!

Good Luck!

The Vampires of Iowa

 "I vant to eat corn and attend a High School football game!"

As I mentioned Yesterday, I am currently in Omaha, Nebraska visiting my Cousin Britney. 

I actually come to visit Cousin Britney on a fairly regular basis, which is cool and all except for one thing:

It involves having to repeatedly drive across Iowa.

Now, please don’t take offense – potential Iowa based reader.  Yours is a lovely State and I’m sure a fine place to live.  Plus you get shouts out in both Star Trek and Field of Dreams, which means your PR requirements are pretty much covered in Males* ages 12-35 and 40 and above.  Also with any women that were tricked into watching Field of Dreams on the mistaken premise that it was about J.D. Salinger as opposed to what it’s actually about (Baseball and Daddy Issues.)  

*A brief shout out to the large and thriving Female Sci-Fi Enthusiast community whom I have just completely alienated for the sake of a cheap shot about Star Trek fans.**  I can only hope that my repeated past declarations of fealty to Felicia Day will help to reassure you that I’m totally down with the sci-fi ladies.  It’s merely that when confronted with a choice between accuracy and cheap laughs I am pretty much always going to go with the latter.  To quote a great man – I’d far rather be happy than right, any day.

** I’ve been meaning, btw, to own up to the fact that I’ve never actually watched the original series of Star Trek.  I think the only episode that I’d ever seen before last week was ‘Spock’s Brain.’***  And so, in an effort to correct this enormous lapse, I have started watching the series from the beginning on Netflix.  Let me tell you – when you go in completely cold, nothing can really prepare you for the experience of watching ‘Charlie X’ for the first time…

*** Someone should probably go check and make sure that Ekim is all right after reading that.  Also I should probably mail him $12 in deference to a long standing agreement we’ve had regarding the purchasing of a VHS copy of that episode.****

****  I know longer have any idea what I was talking about… Star Trek… The Man Trap… Iowa…

Ah, right…

Vampires.

I don’t know if you’ve had occasion to drive the entire length of Iowa lately, but – much like History, The Universe, and deliberate misinformation on the Fox network – there’s kind of a lot of it.   If one is driving from Minneapolis, MN to Omaha, NE, the pattern pretty much is as follows: A little Minnesota, even less Nebraska, and an enormous chunk of Iowa lodged in between.

Which means that you have a good long while to sit in your car with little to think about except, ‘My.  I sure am in Iowa.’

To offset this, some time ago I started pretending that it was absolutely vital to get out of Iowa before darkness fell.  This gives your mind the happy task of constantly doing the math of Speed*Distance of Iowa remaining compared to time of Sunset.

I’m not saying it’s going to replace Facebook or Pleasuring Yourself as the nation’s favorite way to pass time, but it is at least something to while away the miles thinking about. 

Of course, eventually this leads to having to have some sort of reason WHY it’s vital to get out of Iowa before Sunset.  And the obvious answer to this is, of course, Vampires.

This does of course leave a couple of questions –

*Why can’t the Vampires cross over the border after Sunset?  Are they trying not to violate probation or something?

*What about all the people who live in Iowa?  Are they not good for eatin’?  Are the Vampires trying to actively damp down the tourism industry? (And if so – job well done there, Vampires)

*Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a book on CD or something?

The answers I usually fall back on are-

** Gypsy curse restrains them from crossing the Border.  Do. Not. Mess. With the Gypsies of Iowa.

** If they started eating the locals it would stir up anti-vamp sentiment and lead to trouble.

** Easier, but more expensive. 

So, happy traveling, gentle reader.  Tomorrow brings another Vizsla flashback and then I’m home again on Monday.  Until then, keep watching out for Corn-Fed vampires. 

Vampire Pattern Baldness- who should be concerned?

So I was mulling this afternoon, because vizsla's enjoy a good mull - also bacon - where was I?  Right... mulling. 

So.  Vampire's are immortal, right?  I mean, barring stakes, beheading or Buffy*.  At the end of the day there aren't a lot of vampire death certificates that list 'Natural Causes', that's all I'm saying. 

*The vizsla is more a fan of Faith than Buffy, truth be told.  But it's probably more accurate to say that the vizsla is more of an Eliza Dushku fan than a Sarah Michelle Geller fan.  You know, like everyone else on the planet.


Pretty much all the varieties of vampire lore agree on this basic premise.  Vampires live until they are actively killed by something or someone.  Fair enough and good on them.

Where they start to differ is in the details on what exactly that immortality entails. 

I mean, ok - the trade off for eternal life is that they have to do the whole blood drinking thing.  And leaving aside that the entire thing was a pretty transparent metaphor for the way the aristocracy in Romania was living off the lifeblood of the workers- hence the entire Dracula story to begin with - this is our entry level assumption into the story.  I believe the industry term is 'flobotunum' - the one magical premise that you have to accept in order for the story to make logical sense.  (Vizsla = knowledge)

So, blood drinking logistics aside, what does immortality mean? 

I'm going to admit right up front that I don't know a thing about the 'Twilight' version of vampires- outside of the fact that apparently they've been dipped in glitter- because they seem to be atrociously written and so I can't be bothered with them.  This is the first and last time that they will be mentioned here.

What I'm really getting around to of course is this -

Do vampires go bald?

Do they have to worry about that middle age gut somewhere around 300 years old?

Records clearly indicate at least one prominent bald vampire.  I'm speaking of course of Nosferatu (later deliberately echoed in the design of the Master in Buffy Season One.)

"I'm considering a comb-over..."

From the German film of the same name made in 1922 (and if you haven't seen Shadow of the Vampire you should absolutely stop what you are doing right now, watch that, and come back to this later.  For the love of God it has John Malkovich AND Willem DaFoe in it.)

The Question of course is...  Was Nossie (as his friends called him) bald before he became a blood drinking immortal?  Or was that the work of several centuries of being denied mirror-access?

Now, according to Anne Rice in her once-great-but-increasingly-tedious-after-Queen-of-the-damned Vampire chronicles would have us believe that at the time a vampire is 'made', if I might use the True Blood parlance, they essentially become a 'fixed point', if I might use the Doctor Who parlance.  They become an extreme case of Captain Jack syndrome, only without the cool underground base in Cardiff and (slightly) more fluid collection.

To simple that up, a vampire can do whatever they want to their appearance, and the moment they turn around they will have reverted to exactly how they looked before.  Which would be profoundly irritating if you were turned into a vampire after a particularly bad haircut.

So, no baldness in Anne Rice's vampire world, which should be a relief to Stuart Townsend.

But what about True Blood - mentioned only a few paragraphs ago?  Well, here we have to acknowledge that there are in fact two entirely separate True Bloods.  There are the Sookie Stackhouse books on which the show is based, and there is the True Blood HBO TV series, which increasingly has little to nothing to do with those books.

And interestingly, it's sort of this exact topic that caused the initial divergence.  

Namely, in Season One of the show Alexander Skarsgard looked like this

When they went to film season Two he looked like this.

And so they had to write into the show a ridiculously contrived reason for him to cut his hair (although it was actually pretty funny and not a problem at all.)

So - in the books we have no data to go on (although I have not read the last few of them yet, so there may be followup).  In the TV show, clearly the vampires can alter their hairstyle however they like - no problem.

At this point I would like to mention that Alexander Skarsgard's father was in both Thor and The Avengers.  No reason, I just think that's awesome.

But what does this ability to change hairstyles mean?  Will Eric (and Bill, although nobody gives a shit about Bill) eventually have to deal with an embarrassing receding hairline and blood-gut?

And let's look at Buffy (and more pertinently, Angel)  Now, we can't help but notice that Season One Buffy Angel clearly looks different than Angel season five Angel.  To whit - he obviously stopped going to the gym at some point.  Also he probably should have remained faithful to his wife, but that's not really relevant to the topic.  

If we had reached Angel season 403 would he have a widows peak to explain?  Would he have gone the Vin Deisel shaved head thing to avoid it?  Would his Irish accent have gotten any better in the flashbacks?

To sum up - we're left with a lot of contradictory information here.  If you become a vampire, your best bet is probably to use a lot of product.

-Vizsla out.