Gather round you all and hear the tale
The Tale of a Man who made the world better
The Tale of a Man who righted wrongs and healed nations
The Tale of Jeff
The Man Who Named Salads.
It may seem hard to believe, my children, but once - many years ago, all salads were just called 'salad'
In
these confusing times, even the simplest of lunches was naught but a
festival of confusion an dark surprises, for upon ordering 'salad' all
excepted with sad certainty that you could be served any number of
different options
-It might have lettuce, tomato and cheese
-It might have corn ships and tomato
-It might be a jiggling egg based affair
-Or some chicken, mayo, and potato
'WOE!'
cried the people, for their suffering was great. 'How shall we live
with this uncertainty? How can one small word encompass such
diversity?? And in what universe is Jello with pineapple chunks
suspended on it a 'salad'? I'm sorry, simply putting it on top of a
lettuce leaf in no way makes that a salad, I don't care how much whipped cream you dollop upon it!'
And
then the people fell silent into despair, for there was no salvation
apparent to them, and they resigned themselves to an eternity of
ill-defined diet food.
And it was thus, as the people's despair lay thick like an itchy blanket upon the land, that a child was born.
And
his mother did name him 'Jeff'. For she knew that one day he would be
the one foretold who would sort this whole 'salad thing' out.
And
as Jeff grew unto a man he did find himself in his local cafeteria, and
on seeing a simple concoction of lettuce, tomato, onion and crouton he
did say, 'Gosh - That looks like a salad that belongs in this house.
And so I shall name it 'House Salad. And it shall come with a balsamic
vinaigrette. And all Men Shall know it thus.'
And
there was great rejoicing, for the people now knew that he was truly
the savior come, and that all light pre-meal preparations were well and
truly on the road to clarity.
'But
how,' said one poor and suffering chef, 'How shall we know this salad?'
and in bitter tears he laid upon the feet of Jeff a true mastery of
lettuce, boiled egg, leftover kitchen meats, and optional blue cheese or
ranch dressing. And Jeff spoke to the Chef, and said to him, 'This
salad stands, chef, as a testament to your ability to find a way to
dispose of leftover scrap meat. And so shall it be always know for you -
the Chef Salad'
And the chef cried tears of great joy as the people rejoiced.
And
further salads were brought to Jeff. 'Chicken' and 'Egg' were
dismissed from his sight, as they aren't actually salads, really more of
sandwich spreads, and Jeff had no time for them other than to observe
that it's always a mistake to put celery in them, I don't care what
anybody says. It's just wrong. In exactly the same way that it's just
wrong to put peppers in cornbread.
And
thus was 'Waldorf', 'Cobb', and 'Taco' established. 'Ceaser' being
thrown out by Jeff who was in a puckish mood that day, having just
caught 'I, Claudius' on Masterpiece Theater. 'Pasta', and 'Ambrosia'
then followed. 'Fruit' was brought before Jeff and was greeted with
nothing but a long, withering gaze until it finally felt awkward and
backed slowly out of the room.
But then, like all beacons of Hope, Jeff finally met his downfall. At the hands of 'Three Bean' did Jeff fall.
But
some say - and I believe them - that if you listen and believe, on a
dark and silent night you can still hear Jeff crying to the emptiness of
the void, safe in the knowledge that his task was complete, knowing
that he had well and truly cleared up the worlds salad confusion. And
on those night, if you listen and believe, you can hear his voice on the
wind, shouting-
'Why the Hell would anyone put Jell-O on a lettuce leaf???? WHY??????'
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