Happy New Year, Whoever the Hell You Are

Last night I received a text.

This was in no way unusual as I'm kind of a sixteen year old girl when it comes to texting - although I am physically incapable of using 'cute ' texting abbreviations and feel compelled to completely type out things like 'See You', 'Too, To or Two', 'Be Right Back' and 'Yes, You Are Contributing to the Escalating Collapse of the English Language Simply for the Sake of Saving Half a Second To Completely Type out that You Will Be Right Back'*

*Other notable accomplishments of the sixteen year old girl of which I am not capable - Brushing my hair, legally attending a slumber party of other sixteen year old girls, and menstruating.  

No, what was notable about this text was that it came from a completely unfamiliar number and said simply-

'You still up for a question?'

I took a moment to try to figure out if this was a number I should be familiar with and failed to do so.  But they had bothered to spell out 'You' properly, so I figured What the Hell and sent back -

'Sure.  What's up?'

After a minute or two of sitting quietly and being mildly curious about what the question was and if it would give me any pointers as to whom I talking with, I received back -

'Sorry i dialed a wrong number.  I am a realtor was trying to reach client and pressed 1 wrong number.  Sorry.'

On my first read of this I missed the word 'realtor' and spent a few minutes wondering what sort of 'client' this mysterious texter had.  Were they a Lawyer?  A Prostitute? A Drug Dealer of some kind?  Then I read the word 'Realtor' and realized that my second guess had been the correct one.*

*Cheap shot at Realtors there.

Now, obviously they lost a little bit of ground with comma usage there (not to mention the uncapitalized 'i'...) BUT - they did have the courtesy to send a reply that both explained and apologize, and I'm a huge fan of both of those activities.  So I happily plunged forward and sent back -

'No worries.  That would explain why I have no idea who the Heck I'm talking to :)'

Note both the dangling participle and the old school hand crafted emoticon.  I am not myself above criticism.

Clearly the realtor was an amiable sort, because a moment later I got back -

'Ha ha yea that's true.  Have a good night'

Now, commas aside I confess I was growing fond of the realtor by this stage based entirely on their manners.  Which is a little sad when you think about it.  What does it say about our society when that little amount of common courtesy and good manners is so unexpected and striking.  Nothing good, that's what.  This is what comes of allowing people to just stop using vowels.

And so I sent back -

'And to you.  For the record, depending on what the question was my answer was going to be either four or Sacramento'

Yes, I see the missing comma now.  It was late.  I was tired.

A minute or so passed and I got back -

'ha ha thats funny'

To which I responded -

'They're both solid answers'

I never got a reply to that one, so either the Realtor had finally realized that I was never going to stop responding unless they did or they got a hold of their client and were having a more relevant conversation at that moment.

I like to think that my mysterious realtor found the answer that he or possibly she was looking for.  Who can say.  All I can add is this -

'Happy New Year, mysterious Realtor out there somewhere in the night.  I hope you found the answer you sought.  And if the question was either What's the Capitol of California or the Square Root of Sixteen, I like to think I might have even been the guiding star that set you on the course.

Happy New Year

Vizsla Flashback - The Tale of Jeff - The Man Who Named Salads.

Orginally titled 'And Johnny Appleseed can suck it.'

Gather round you all and hear the tale

The Tale of a Man who made the world better

The Tale of a Man who righted wrongs and healed nations

The Tale of Jeff

The Man Who Named Salads.

It may seem hard to believe, my children, but once - many years ago, all salads were just called 'salad'

In these confusing times, even the simplest of lunches was naught but a festival of confusion an dark surprises, for upon ordering 'salad' all excepted with sad certainty that you could be served any number of different options

-It might have lettuce, tomato and cheese

-It might have corn ships and tomato

-It might be a jiggling egg based affair

-Or some chicken, mayo, and potato

'WOE!' cried the people, for their suffering was great.  'How shall we live with this uncertainty?  How can one small word encompass such diversity??  And in what universe is Jello with pineapple chunks suspended on it a 'salad'?  I'm sorry, simply putting it on top of a lettuce leaf in no way makes that a salad, I don't care how much whipped cream you dollop upon it!'

And then the people fell silent into despair, for there was no salvation apparent to them, and they resigned themselves to an eternity of ill-defined diet food.

And it was thus, as the people's despair lay thick like an itchy blanket upon the land, that a child was born.

And his mother did name him 'Jeff'.  For she knew that one day he would be the one foretold who would sort this whole 'salad thing' out.

And as Jeff grew unto a man he did find himself in his local cafeteria, and on seeing a simple concoction of lettuce, tomato, onion and crouton he did say, 'Gosh - That looks like a salad that belongs in this house.  And so I shall name it 'House Salad.  And it shall come with a balsamic vinaigrette.  And all Men Shall know it thus.'  

And there was great rejoicing, for the people now knew that he was truly the savior come, and that all light pre-meal preparations were well and truly on the road to clarity.

'But how,' said one poor and suffering chef, 'How shall we know this salad?' and in bitter tears he laid upon the feet of Jeff a true mastery of lettuce, boiled egg, leftover kitchen meats, and optional blue cheese or ranch dressing.  And Jeff spoke to the Chef, and said to him, 'This salad stands, chef, as a testament to your ability to find a way to dispose of leftover scrap meat.  And so shall it be always know for you - the Chef Salad'

And the chef cried tears of great joy as the people rejoiced.

And further salads were brought to Jeff.  'Chicken' and 'Egg' were dismissed from his sight, as they aren't actually salads, really more of sandwich spreads, and Jeff had no time for them other than to observe that it's always a mistake to put celery in them, I don't care what anybody says.  It's just wrong.  In exactly the same way that it's just wrong to put peppers in cornbread.

And thus was 'Waldorf', 'Cobb', and 'Taco' established.  'Ceaser' being thrown out by Jeff who was in a puckish mood that day, having just caught 'I, Claudius' on Masterpiece Theater.  'Pasta', and 'Ambrosia' then followed.  'Fruit' was brought before Jeff and was greeted with nothing but a long, withering gaze until it finally felt awkward and backed slowly out of the room.

But then, like all beacons of Hope, Jeff finally met his downfall.  At the hands of 'Three Bean' did Jeff fall.  

But some say - and I believe them - that if you listen and believe, on a dark and silent night you can still hear Jeff crying to the emptiness of the void, safe in the knowledge that his task was complete, knowing that he had well and truly cleared up the worlds salad confusion.  And on those night, if you listen and believe, you can hear his voice on the wind, shouting-

'Why the Hell would anyone put Jell-O on a lettuce leaf???? WHY??????'

I'm trying to meditate on balance, but I keep falling over

Happy Vernal Equinox!

It's the one day a year when you can get away with using the word 'Vernal'

We should celebrate that.

Long Term Relationship, or Venereal Disease?

Amongst the sappy love posts and 'thank god I'm single' posts flowing around the facebooks today, I've noticed a small but amusing sub grouping that is simply posting 'Happy VD'

Some of them I am reasonably sure are doing it on purpose (because that's the sort of people I'm friends with on the facebooks) but I'm equally fairly sure that one or two of them don't realize the implications of what they wrote- which makes it even more charming.

But the more I think about it, the more I think that there's a solid case to be made for that being a legitimate message today,

-Ways that a Long Term Relationship is Essentially an STD-

1. It's very common to find yourself with one after having sex with someone you didn't know very well.

2. Living with one long term has been demonstrated to lead to serious mental health issues up to and including insanity.

3. Having one, and being up front about the fact, tends to seriously lessen your odds of scoring with prospective sexual partners.

4. Duration can vary quite a bit, with some clearing up very quickly and others being a life-long condition.

5. The first step you take upon deciding to get rid of one is having a shot

Food for thought, Love-bugs.

The great Advent Calendar/Flashback Day Mish-mash

You know that thing where you start to write a column for the day and you think to yourself, 'My this seems vaguely familiar.', and then you realize that you wrote about this exact same thing nearly a year ago?

Yeah.  That.

Advent Calendar Day 8 - One from the vaults-

What Vizslas know about holidays:

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Vizslas are not exactly a comprehensive source of information about human holidays.

That said, I have managed to piece together a pretty fair picture of what I think is going on:

The one with the tree

Which is celebrated with three solid days of cleaning and fighting about money - Then pie.

The one with the Ham

The same as Treeday, except instead of fighting about money this one is traditionally celebrated by yelling at the Vizsla for tracking in mud

The one with the turkey

Cleaning, rolling in some leaves, then sleeping in front of football.

That day we drink a lot of wine

This holiday is celebrated a lot at our house.

Seriously, this must be a REALLY important one to people.

And while I kind of don't understand Treeday, Hamday, Turkeyday and Wineday(s), at least their customs are readily observable for the interested dog to note so that they might be more prepared to eat even greater amounts of Ham/Turkey/Meatloaf the following year.  (Meatloaf is the traditional Treeday dinner.  Don't know why.  Possibly in memory of Saint Meat.  Or possible Saint Loaf.)

Then there are the smaller less-about-giving-people-food-to-the-vizlsa holidays.

There are things called 'birthday's which even we dog-kind get to celebrate.  The border healer just had his first one the other day and as a celebration we were all given several chicken flavor carvers, which are (barring ham) just about the best thing ever.  People generally receive cards and gifts on their 'birthday's but in that dogs generally don't read or need stuff, I'm happier with our traditions

Then there are some holidays that people celebrate by nothing more than just not getting out of bed in the morning (Something that I choose to view as an oblique tribute to vizslas, as we totally ROCK at not getting out of bed)  There's something called presidents day, which seems to commemorate a sale.  And 4th of July, which I personally am not a fan of because everything becomes chemically unstable and liable to explode as the day goes on, and if you bark to daddy to point this out he gets irritable.

But this most mysterious of all the just-stay-in-bed holidays is this thing called 'Sickday'

So far all I've managed to piece together about it is that one traditionally begins the celebrations with a congratulatory phonecall to one's employer, commemorating the occasion.  (so it's possibly something to do with secretaries day..?) And then either laying down on the bed or the couch, whereupon one watches lots and lots of Doctor Who.

As holiday's go, it's pretty low key, but I do have to mention that the traditional sick day meal (Chicken noodle soup out of a can heated in the microwave and ginger ale on ice) SUCKS when compared to Hamday or Turkeyday meals.

And get this - No one even comes by with a card or gifts!

I know, right?

And attempting to pep up the Sickday celebrations with a little tug the rope or ballplay (easy there shriner!) is NOT looked upon favorably.

Also, this being a holiday, I think it's reasonable to assume that there was some pleasantly non-offensive pagan holiday on the date and the early christian church co-opted it with their feast day to Saint Sick because it was easier to just pretend that everybody was celebrating their holiday instead of going to all the effort of creating something positive or productive of their own.  But I'm really just playing the odds there.

I still say there should be cards and gifts though

Vizsla out

Let's remember what Christmas is really about. Vague disappointment and self loathing.

About this time every year I confront a crucial and time honored question-

Is this the year I get around to buying an advent calendar?

On the off chance that there are any among you who aren't familiar with the item - An advent calendar is basically your basic one page calendar of the Month of December with little flaps on each day that open to reveal a little surprise behind each day.  On some versions it's a piece of candy on each day, on others it's a small toy or a joke that isn't in any way funny.  You get the idea.

The practical upshot is that if you're a slightly OCD child who's excited about the countdown to Christmas it gives you something to really, really obsess about for a few weeks,  Plus - candy.

The hitch - it really only works if you get your shit together early enough to pick one up before December begins.  Otherwise you're into catching up several days at once territory - which feels like cheating and somewhat undermines the pleasing OCD-ness of the whole process.  Once you get to the 3rd or 4th you pretty much let it go for the year and make a vague promise to yourself that next November you'll remember.  Yeah.  Next year you'll get it together.  You're gonna be awesome, next-year guy.  Just you wait and see.

Then next December 3rd rolls around and the cycle begins anew.

At this point I'm not even sure that I actually want an advent calendar in and of itself.  I suspect I might just want to be the sort of person that has his shit together enough to have actually acquired an advent calendar.  Then, no matter how badly one might fail with all of the rest of the unrealistic expectations of the Christmas season, at the very least, at the end of the day, you can say to yourself - 'Hey, how bad can I be?  I have an advent calendar, buddy.  I have my shit together.'

-Let the Season of Christmas self-impeachment commence.

Happy Halloween from the four legged set

As I've noted once or twice here in the past - Halloween is the best Holiday by a country mile.  No obligations, no schedules, no endless shopping requirements.  It's a day devoted entirely to two things and two things only - Wearing ridiculous outfits and making little kids happy by giving them candy.

And while dogs- Stanley notwithstanding- are not usually huge into the whole costume scene, if there's one group that is solidly behind the concept of 'treats' it is dogs.

So, on behalf of dog-kind everywhere, here's to having a great Halloween.  Now go have a treat. 

Halloween down in the Lab

Long term readers may recall that I've mentioned my friend Stanley once or twice.

Stanley's a black lab, which is a pretty solid thing to be.  If you can't be a Vizsla you should totally be a lab.  or Batman.  Or a lab dressed as Batman.

Which brings me to Halloween.

Now, Vizslas aren't huge supporters of Halloween as far as costuming goes.  I have a pirate costume that I may put on on Thursday.  The Shelties have costumes that they do no enjoy (Dinosaur and Princess, respectively) and the last time anyone tried to put a costume (reindeer antlers specifically) on Jake he peed on them and then hid under a desk for the rest of the day, so I'm going to go out on a limb and say that it's unlikely anyone will attempt to costume him again anytime soon.

Treats I'm all for, it should go without saying.

Stanley, on the other hand...  Well, Stanley's Mom is enthusiastic on the subject of costuming.

See below - Stanley's new costume for this year-

Yes.  It's the tiniest and most adorable Headless Horseman you have ever seen.  And I think I speak for all of us when I say that if the Headless Horseman's steed was that adorable he would have been far more successful picking people off on that covered bridge.  Ichabod Crane would have been so busy scritching ears and rubbing bellies that he probably wouldn't even have noticed his own imminent decapitation.

Things we vaguely suspect we might be celebrating today

Please match the correct vague misunderstanding of what today's Holiday (U.S.) 

is about to the most appropriate Title

A.  The Day that we get off our collective asses and actually do a bit of that work around the house that we've been meaning to get around to for simply ever.  Like, how about cleaning out those shelves in the basement like you've been promising to do for freakin' ever?  How about THAT, Nation!  Huh?!

B.  The day that we celebrate the center-left political party of Great Britain, originally organized as a vehicle for the trade unions to have a voice in government and last in a position of primary power in 2010 under Gordon Brown.  Not that we know that because that would involve taking an interest in somebody else's country that can't even be bothered to have oil deposits, and 'Murica!

C.  The day that we celebrate taking a large number of chemicals meant to foster the collective dilation of our National Cervix.  Reported to be a more painful holiday than Natural Labor Day

D.  The Day that the United States celebrates the contributions of the common worker to the State of the US as a whole.  (Making it far closer to an embracing of socialism than anything in the Affordable Care Act (Also know as Obamacare.)  Not that anyone in the Tea Party would know that, as that would require them to accurately understand the actual definition of Socialism, What the Affordable Care Act says, or what 'workers' are.

E.  The day a few weeks before we intended to celebrate having an epidural and riding the pain out but HOLY CRAP our National Water just broke and we don't even have the freakin' nursery painted yet!  CRAP!

F:  The day that we as a Nation celebrate spending 72 hours picking up trash along the side of the National Highway and thinking about how important it is to remember to get around to paying our G*dd*mn Parking Tickets.

G:  The Holiday that's actually at the beginning of the Summer sometime in May but who we claim to be celebrating the First Monday of September roughly 50% of the time because we can never keep straight which one is which.  Which is ironic for a Holiday that's actually named for remembering things.

*     *     *     *     *     *     *

1____ Premature Labor Day

2____ Induced Labor Day

3____ Manual Labor Day

4____ Labour Day

5____ Forced Labor Day

6____ Memorial Day

7____ Labor Day (U.S.)

Please submit your results to the42ndvizsla@gmail.com or in the comments section below for scoring.

Thank you for your participation.

17 limericks about orthography

Today, because I am totally willing to discuss the subject at the drop of a hat and because I have the vaguest of feelings like I'm supposed to be celebrating something today but have forgotten what, I hereby declare today to be that most important holiday on the Vizsla calendar -

Celebration of Orthography through Limericks day!

 It's the study of the systems by which a spoken language is represented in written form, 

me laddies and lassies!  Ta loo rah loo rah loorah!

1

There once was a study of writin'

into which your teeth really could bite in

It's Ortheographic

How words move like traffic

And I for one find it delightin'

2

Poetry's long been around

As a story form it's main renown

-you can eas'ly relate

 Keeping all your facts straight

Without writing anything down

3

The Egyptians, they took some papyrus

they said 'One day all folk will admire us

Our Cuneiform 

will take off like a storm

And then spread through the world like a virus!'

4

One day the Romans invaded

Into Britain, but found themselves jaded

The Saxons could speak

But their contracts were weak

without having writing like they did.

5

For the spoken to written transition

every language must take a position

if your language's just oral

you're certain to quarrel

and have no way to take a petition

6

I can hear what you're saying, it's true

But I feel that I'm certain to rue

Without getting it written

I'm telling you, Kitten

You'll forget it by quarter to two.

7

Slavic Language is wrote in cyrillic

An alphabet not quite idylic

cause when I write a 'P'

it's an 'R' that they see

And that makes me feel like quite a pillock

8

Our alphabet's root are phoenecian

But Cyrillic's are found to be grecian

The differences lie

to be found by and by

in the width of the Caspian Sea-shin.

(I apologize for that one.  I really do.  I'm sorry you had to read that)

9

Our relationship, you must agree

Can be compared linguistically

In Voiced/Voiceless despair

of our consonant pair

I'm am clearly the P to your B

(OK - you probably have to be a huge linguistics geek to appreciate that one, but trust me - It is some funny shit.  I swear)

10

Our system of writing is Roman

But when looked at, might make you say 'Whoa, man,

The H and the T

In no way line up to be

The 'th' sound that we use it it show, man!'

(This has bothered me for some time.)

11

Contracts once were recorded on clay

To be kiln dried and stored for the day

That the terms had been gleaned

then the pot could be cleaned

and then used to store Oil of Olay

(Ok - this one is in no way true.  Outside of the fact that such clay pot contracts did, in point of fact, predate the este lauder company by some three thousand years, they simply wouldn't have done such a thing.  Fun fact though - they did actually write the contract out on two clay pots and seal one inside the other, so that if there was any accusation of it being changed they could crack open the outside pot and double check it on the inner one.  Suck it, Dan Brown!)

12

Of all of the forms of linguistics

to have fascinated fakirs and mystics

Orthographical study

Is my favorite buddy

And I'm sorry, but that sounded too sad to even continue on with a last line, even if I had come up with a second rhyme for 'Linguistics'

13

There once was a scribe from Nantucket...

uhm... never mind that one...

14

To write was once just for the priesthood

It allowed them to document feasts good (ouch... sorry about that...)

Now we're all out of joint

But there once was a point

when our high school graduates at least could.

(Note: I didn't say they were 17 good Limericks about Orthography.)

15

Fricative, labial, or glottal

They could all drive a man to the bottle

But at least I can say

at the end of the day

that I totally got away with a legitimate use of the term 'labial' a few lines ago.  

Boom.  That just happened.

16

Though it might make you say 'la di dah'

I've a keyboard fact stuck in my craw

I could sit here all day

but would still have no way

to correctly type in a nice Schwa

(it's the the upside down 'e' thing.  It's derived from a Hebrew notation and refers to the vowel sound you make when you just don't care anymore.)

17

Orthographic variations are neat

Modern language is, with them, replete

there's still much more to show

but my British fans know

that this limerick list is compleat.

(And today we learned that 17 limericks is too many to try to write on any particular topic.)

Tomorrow, one hopes, sanity returns.

Happy Sickday! I got you a card and a pony.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Vizslas are not exactly a comprehensive source of information about human holidays.

That said, I have managed to piece together a pretty fair picture of what I think is going on:

The one with the tree

Which is celebrated with three solid days of cleaning and fighting about money - Then pie.

The one with the Ham

The same as Treeday, except instead of fighting about money this one is traditionally celebrated by yelling at the Vizsla for tracking in mud

The one with the turkey

Cleaning, rolling in some leaves, then sleeping in front of football.

That day we drink a lot of wine

This holiday is celebrated a lot at our house.

Seriously, this must be a REALLY important one to people.

And while I kind of don't understand Treeday, Hamday, Turkeyday and Wineday(s), at least their customs are readily observable for the interested dog to note so that they might be more prepared to eat even greater amounts of Ham/Turkey/Meatloaf the following year.  (Meatloaf is the traditional Treeday dinner.  Don't know why.  Possibly in memory of Saint Meat.  Or possible Saint Loaf.)

Then there are the smaller less-about-giving-people-food-to-the-vizlsa holidays.

There are things called 'birthday's which even we dog-kind get to celebrate.  The border healer just had his first one the other day and as a celebration we were all given several chicken flavor carvers, which are (barring ham) just about the best thing ever.  People generally receive cards and gifts on their 'birthday's but in that dogs generally don't read or need stuff, I'm happier with our traditions

Then there are some holidays that people celebrate by nothing more than just not getting out of bed in the morning (Something that I choose to view as an oblique tribute to vizslas, as we totally ROCK at not getting out of bed)  There's something called presidents day, which seems to commemorate a sale.  And 4th of July, which I personally am not a fan of because everything becomes chemically unstable and liable to explode as the day goes on, and if you bark to daddy to point this out he gets irritable.

But this most mysterious of all the just-stay-in-bed holidays is this thing called 'Sickday'

So far all I've managed to piece together about it is that one traditionally begins the celebrations with a congratulatory phonecall to one's employer, commemorating the occasion.  (so it's possibly something to do with secretaries day..?) And then either laying down on the bed or the couch, whereupon one watches lots and lots of Doctor Who.

As holiday's go, it's pretty low key, but I do have to mention that the traditional sick day meal (Chicken noodle soup out of a can heated in the microwave and ginger ale on ice) SUCKS when compared to Hamday or Turkeyday meals.

And get this - No one even comes by with a card or gifts!

I know, right?

And attempting to pep up the Sickday celebrations with a little tug the rope or ballplay (easy there shriner!) is NOT looked upon favorably.

Also, this being a holiday, I think it's reasonable to assume that there was some pleasantly non-offensive pagan holiday on the date and the early christian church co-opted it with their feast day to Saint Sick because it was easier to just pretend that everybody was celebrating their holiday instead of going to all the effort of creating something positive or productive of their own.  But I'm really just playing the odds there.

I still say there should be cards and gifts though

Vizsla out

Just a reminder

Vizslas don't blog on Sundays

Although let's take this moment to mention that if you like the Vizsla, you should share the Vizsla.  Or maybe follow him on twitter at @the42ndvizsla

Vizsla out

So, This April Fools thing..

OK, I've been around the block a few times, but I just don't get this whole thing of picking a day once a year to play practical jokes on one another.  The old 'I'm bringing you back the tennis ball, oh no I'm turning away at the last second I AM TOTALLY NOT BRINGING YOU BACK THE TENNIS BALL' joke should plenty of funny for anyone.

Seriously, that never stops being funny.

Besides, I don't know how to break this to you, but Vizslas don't really get jokes.  Or irony. Or a lot of that last season of Lost.  What was up with that?  So they WERE dead?  Was THAT all some elaborate prank?

So, yes.  When you play some sort of elaborate practical joke on the Vizsla they are only going to stare at you blankly for a moment and then go back to rolling on their back making yeti noises.  No matter how well conceived or executed to prank may be.  Take, for example, that whole neutering thing.  (seriously, that WAS all a joke, right?  I mean... They are going to grow back... right...?)  I know it was a fair few years ago now, but even after the passage of time... still not funny.  Not even a little.

So anyway, April Fools Day is not destined to go down in the annals of popular Vizsla holidays.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've been assured that I have just won a basket full of slow moving bunnies and I only need to go blindfolded into the garage to collect them.

Yay, slow moving bunnies!