The Lemon Jolly Rancher - A Cautionary Tale

Once upon a time, many years ago, the greatest candy the world has ever seen was readily available.

I refer of course to Lemon Flavor Jolly Ranchers

Jolly Ranchers still exist of course, and if you're interested in that sort of thing you can find their web page here.  

Essentially a small brick shaped hard candy, Jolly Ranchers come in a bag of five different fruit flavors*. Currently those flavors are Cherry, Sour Apple, Grape, Watermelon**, and Blue Raspberry.

*Well, the real version of Jolly Ranchers.  These days there are no end of bastards and hybrid offshoots - you're gummy ranchers and your tropical fruit assortments and your commemorative wangs of the founding fathers with extra sour powder packs.  We're not discussing those here, because we are classy.

**At least that's what the label calls it.  The actual taste would be more accurately described as 'rancid ass', but to be fair I think all watermelon tastes like that.

That is the current assortment of flavors. 

But once, in those glorious halcyon days of yore, there was no crappy 'blue raspberry' to be found. 

No.  Once, there was instead... Lemon. 

And it was the best lemon candy ever in the history of the universe*

*A case could be made for Lemonheads, but they still exist and are readily accessible, so they lose through nostalgia factor.

And so it was, back in this glorious age when Lemon Jolly Ranchers walked the Earth, that a decree was sent out from the good people at HersheyCo that they were making a change.  Too many other lemon candies existed, they opined, and thus they were removing the Lemon flavor from the Jolly Rancher bag.  They replaced it instead with Blue Raspberry.

And a great despair fell over the people.

And in this hour of despair, did I run to the convenience store and buy one last bag of Jolly Ranchers that still had the precious lemon contingent. 

One last bag.

But such was my despair at the end of The Day Of The Lemon Jolly Rancher that I couldn't bear to open the bag, since I knew that it was the last one.  So I put it instead in the drawer of the living room coffee table where I could periodically take it out, look at it, and be reassured that this one last supply of the precious Lemon Jolly Ranchers was still out there.

And so it went for many, many months.  Until finally one day I cracked and opened the bag.  I had to have one of my precious final supply, I just had to.

It was at this point that I discovered a couple of essential truths.

The first is that hard candy does not, in actual fact, store well over long periods. 

All of the bag of Jolly Ranchers, lemon included, had morphed into some kind of horrifying half-jelly toxin that appeared to actively be trying to concur first the coffee table drawer, and later the planet.

The Second - If you wait to long to enjoy your lemon Jolly Ranchers, you lose your Lemon Jolly Ranchers.

What I'm really trying to say is that you should totally open that expensive bottle of wine now.

You're welcome.

Mea Culpa, RE: Your Unfortunate Poisoning

A brief correction as regards yesterday's column.

It was pointed out to me today that there is in fact a third possibility as regards the brightly colored sneaker people*

*Still an awesome band name.  Seriously people, you have to start snatching these up.

Speaking to a coworker, we discussed the dilemma of not knowing if they wanted to have sex with you or to have you attempt to kill them so they would seem sexier to others. 

She quite sensibly said, 'Or they could just be really, really poisonous'

I had completely overlooked this possibility.

So, my official apologies to any of you that may have been inadvertently bitten and killed by someone while attempting to make love to or murder them.

My bad.

Hey Barbra - That's too much boob.

A fair long while ago now, my friend Frank remarked as regards Laura Branigan - It's too bad that she didn't have a friend to tell her that those leather pants were a bad idea.

And indeed, back in the days of 'Gloria', you were unlikely to ever see Laura Branigan without her trademark leather pants,  And they were indeed an unfortunate fashion choice.

With that painful lesson in mind, I've identified a need that really needs to be addressed, and clearly there are no friends who are willing to tell the painful truth in this instance. 

So I'm stepping in.

Barbra Streisand - That is too much boob.

The picture linked above, the cover of her most recent concert album as seen on Public Television 'Back in Brooklyn' shows Babs in the outfit she wears in that concert.  Note that the cleavage actually goes well below the clasp and seems to be making a determined attempt to get to her navel.  We have no choice but to address this with an open letter. 

Dear Barbra,

Having recently become aware of the cover of your latest concert album, I'm concerned by the... shall we say... ample bosom on display.  I'm not certain why exactly you've chosen an outfit that so clearly opens the Path to Boob Mountain*, but I can make a few guesses.

*Least successful Disney movie ever.

Perhaps the rumors are true and your marriage is on the rocks.  I don't usually keep up with that kind of thing, but somebody told me they had heard that that was what was going on.  If that's the case, I can understand your wanting to feel sexy and desirable.  I do.  But Babs, that outfit accomplishes neither of those things.

Let's be blunt Barbra, you're 71 years old. (If your imbd record is accurate.)  And while I don't want to imply that women of your age bracket shouldn't be able to own their own sexuality.  That's all you and power to you if you want to own it.

That dress does not communicate 'owning my own sexuality'.  It communicates 'I'm expecting a small group of hungry orphans.' 

I'm sorry you had to hear it like this Barbra, but I think it's for the best that you were told.

I hope we're still cool.

Totally Legitimate Excuses. Totally.

By way of addressing the couple of days that have gone by without Vizsla content (and Vizsla Content is the most important content there can be) here is a list of some handy and occasionally rational excuses for you to have handy for future use.

I know.  You're welcome.

Some of them are even applicable to why there's been no posts for two days

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we'll begin.

1:  I was making Pants.

I refer you to the article about the Halloween Costume for an explanation of why it was important to focus on this.  Besides - check how the work was totally worth it...

Big.  Yellow.  Pants.

2: I've been resonating concrete

This is actually more useful than it looks at first blush

3: Government Shutdown.  Sorry.

After collectively taking it from behind as a country to the tune of 24 billion without the courtesy of a reach around (and thanks again for that, Tea Party.) the least they can do is allow us to blame everything and anything on them.  It's.  just.  fair.  (and for some reason I totally just pictured myself as Helen Slater in the Legend of Billie Jean as I typed that.  Troubling.)

4: I was in Phuket unexpectedly.

When it doubt, distract them by offering up a tasty cheap laugh primarily fueled by America's continued insistence on knowing as little as possible about world geography.

5: I was Pooping.

True story - I knew a guy in High School who was constantly running late to classes (no, I'm not talking about me, although I was also consistently late).  One day he discovered that if a teacher asks you why you're late and you reply 'I had Diarrhea' it abruptly ends the conversation.  Take this knowledge and use it wisely.

6:  There's a chance I may have been drunk for a week or so.  

What day is it?  And where are my pants?

The Omega Dog

I should clarify - by 'Omega Dog' I'm referring to being as far away from the 'Alpha Dog' as it's possible to get.  If you came here hoping for a discussion of post-apocalypse vampires.... well, I'd advise you to check back on any other day because there's realistically a 50/50 shot that they're going to come up in any given discussion here.  I might also direct you to the post about Iowa from the beginning of August for more of that sort of thing.

But I digress.

We've know each other for a while now, gentle reader, and I feel that the time has come to come clean about something.

My name is Willum,  and I am an Omega Dog.

As you are probably aware, I've lived in me life (not counting the first three months in the Hibbing Animal Shelter - and a big 'Hi' to Big Shirley if she's still there) with a total of Six other dogs.  Seven if you include cousin Britney the Lab who comes and visits a lot.  And I am here to tell you that I have cheerfully let each and every one of them face-hump the crap out of me.*

*All right, enough with the tittering** It's a dog-dominance thing, there's no need to be juvenile about it.

** I said Tittering!  Hee Hee!

 Everybody talks about being an Alpha Dog like it's the best thing ever, but I have to tell you - I've seen that job and I do not want it.  The hours.  The stress.  The constant need to smack down new puppies - and let's face it - every year they just keep getting younger and younger.  You can't keep that shit up forever.  SO much easier to just roll over, show that belly, and hope that somebody happens by to scratch it for you, because that is a thing that is never going to get old my friend.  Not ever.

 It's like an old friend of mine used to say -

Two roads diverged in the wood, and I,

I took the road more travelled by.

And it was SO much more convenient

with places to stop and eat and a few nice hotels.

Powerful truth, friends.  Powerful.

Of course, that doesn't account for Laika...

A couple of days ago, global improv-queen Jill Bernard brought to my attention a website that lists everyone currently in space.  It's called - appropriately enough-

 

www.howmanypeopleareinspacerightnow.com/

 

 

We should note that this site appears to only account for humans, as it clearly does not mention The Doctor.  (And has completely missed Clara Oswin Oswald - but that could be a result of her only quasi-existing along someone else's timestream for the moment... must check back on November 24th...)

 

 

We should also remember that in a matter of a year or so this app will also list Sarah Brightman, as she is apparently being shipped to the International Space Station - True Story - One assumes that Andrew Lloyd Weber bought her the ticket.  What's less clear is what she plans to do during her several month stay.  If she plans on being the first person to record a cover of Space Oddity from actual space she has totally missed her chance.

 

Suck it, Brightman

 



 

The takeaway from this is obviously - Canadians are pretty awesome.

 

 





"Tonight... When you make love to your woman... She will be dreaming of me."

 



But I've strayed from my point.

 

There are - as I type this - 6 Human Beings in space.  Floating above our heads.

 

And as a counterpoint - all of the amazing stars and byproducts of hydrogenbeing converted to helium that they are currently witnessing?  We pretty much can't see it anymore because of light pollution (as well as pollution of other varieties)

 

And here's the thing that really keeps a Vizsla up at night (Just kidding, nothing can physically keep a Vizsla awake...)

 

The technology that got those 6 people up in space (not The Doctor, obviously.) could not have happened without all of the technology that produced the pollution (light and otherwise).

 

It would not be possible for us to physically go out among the stars if we were still able to see them.

 

And I'm starting to think that maybe that's always the way things work.

 

You have to be willing to lose sight of things if you want to actually get to them.

 

These are the things Vizlsas think about