One of the many things that are awesome about the Movie* Guardians of the Galaxy - and there are many - is the way that its soundtrack has re-popularized some really awesome seventies music. The soundtrack -appropriately titled 'Awesome Mix No. 1' is at the top of the sales charts at the moment, so I'm going to assume that many of you are aware of this fact already.
*or Film if you prefer to be all European about it
And while it's true that 'Come and Get Your Love', 'Fooled Around and Fell in Love, and 'Moonage Daydream'* are non-stop-awesome sauce with cuddling afterwards, the soundtrack then takes us to the guilty pleasure that is Rupert Holmes love letter to infidelity, 'Escape (The Pina Colada Song)'
*Moonage Freakin Daydream!!!!
The song, for those of you pretending to not be familiar with it, details the story of a man who is - and I'm quoting here - 'was tired of (his) lady, we'd been together too long, Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song'
Oh, I'm sorry Rupert. I didn't realize you were that one guy on the planet whose relationship didn't continue being non-stop excitement for its entire duration. Clearly you are totally justified in going to the personal ads and trying to find some other woman to run away with.
Which is indeed what he does.
He finds a personal ad from some woman who's looking for someone who likes pina coladas and taking walks in the rain.*
*Yes, clearly she is looking for a 19 year old female student at art college.
He responds, they agree to meet up at a bar to plan 'their escape'.
Of course, he gets to the bar in question (O'Malley's, if you were wondering) and it turns out to be his old lady who had placed the ad, herself looking to escape what must be a remarkably tedious relationship based on the actions of all involved.
They laugh about the whole thing and take joy in having rediscovered there love for each other.
OK, Im sorry, but I'm calling bullshit here. Let me tell you, unequivicably, that is not how that conversation would go.
Best case - BEST case - scenario is a mutually civil break-up with him surrendering his house keys and arranging a time to pick up his things. Far more likely scenarios involve shouting, throwing things at one another, and many shrieks of, 'PERSONAL ADS???? YOU'RE READING/PLACING PERSONAL ADS??????!!'
Long story short - when you begin actively referring to ending your relationship as 'Escape', you're better off just addressing the issue directly, because contrary to what Mr. Holmes tells us here, you're going to get arrested for a public disturbance.
The 42nd Vizsla - Because there were already 41 Vizslas registered here.
Showing posts with label Bad Advice. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Bad Advice. Show all posts
Monday, September 1, 2014
Monday, April 28, 2014
Mea Culpa, RE: Your Unfortunate Poisoning
A brief correction as regards yesterday's column.
It was pointed out to me today that there is in fact a third possibility as regards the brightly colored sneaker people*
*Still an awesome band name. Seriously people, you have to start snatching these up.
Speaking to a coworker, we discussed the dilemma of not knowing if they wanted to have sex with you or to have you attempt to kill them so they would seem sexier to others.
She quite sensibly said, 'Or they could just be really, really poisonous'
I had completely overlooked this possibility.
So, my official apologies to any of you that may have been inadvertently bitten and killed by someone while attempting to make love to or murder them.
My bad.
It was pointed out to me today that there is in fact a third possibility as regards the brightly colored sneaker people*
*Still an awesome band name. Seriously people, you have to start snatching these up.
Speaking to a coworker, we discussed the dilemma of not knowing if they wanted to have sex with you or to have you attempt to kill them so they would seem sexier to others.
She quite sensibly said, 'Or they could just be really, really poisonous'
I had completely overlooked this possibility.
So, my official apologies to any of you that may have been inadvertently bitten and killed by someone while attempting to make love to or murder them.
My bad.
Sunday, March 23, 2014
Vizsla Flashback - That's just terrible advice, Pop Music
I don't know if you pay a lot of attention to the lyrics of popular
songs, but I do as I have very little else to do besides nap, scratch
myself, and pull apart the occasional chew toy.
And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.) They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.
For Example:
Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.) They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.
For Example:
Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
Tuesday, February 18, 2014
If you can't 'Avenge', shoot for 'Confuse'
So the battle for my long held and beloved parking spot goes on.
For anyone new to the discussion, you can get up to speed on the backstory here.
This morning I performed what is now my usual morning routine. I woke up, thought, 'Oh, I can sleep another 15 minutes', then immediately thought, 'No I CAN NOT, MUST. DESTROY. GRAY. SEDAN!'
I then leaped out of bed (which is to seriously risk pulling something at my age), threw on some clothes as fast as I could, and raced to the freeway.
Where I sat at a dead stop for over 10 minutes because apparently everyone is stupid and forgot that we live in Minnesota where things freeze from time to time and really we should stop all being surprised by that.
Needless to say, as I pulled into the parking ramp at 5 to 9, my spot was well and truly already occupied by the evil gray sedan who is currently the bane of my existence.
Damn you, gray sedan. Damn you.
My options for vengeance were limited, no matter how my heart yearned for same.
-I couldn't key them. Outside of being bad karma, it would also be fairly obvious who had done it once I resumed parking in the spot. Plus we're then looking at payback scenarios.
-Cutting their brake line - while eliminating the fear of them knowing who did it afterwards OR being around for payback, there's still the karma issue to consider. Plus possible jail time.
-There was no immediately obvious option 3.
There I was, alone in the parking ramp with nothing but a swipe card and some spare change. And so I did what anyone would do.
I left a dime on top of their car, in an area where I hoped it would be immediately spotted.
My line of thought ran more or less along these lines. The driver of the Gray Sedan, upon returning to his/her vehicle would see the coin and be perplexed. 'Why is there a coin on my car? Was someone throwing coins at my car? No, a quick review of the vehicle shows no sign of dents or scratches. And yet this coin. From whence came this coin?? A Pox upon you, shiny currency, for your mystery has like a dew from the brow of Jove fallen upon the brightness of my mind and rendered all but shadow!'
Yes, in my mind the driver of the car is a someone from one of Shakespeare's History plays.
Further, for every day the Gray Sedan defeats me and claims my spot, I'll put a further coin of random denomination on their roof. Maybe a nickle. Then a quarter. Then a Pound. Maybe a Lira (They don't even TAKE these anymore!). Perhaps even a Chuck-E-Cheese token. Just one bewildering unit of currency after another, until eventually the driver is driven mad by the inexplicability of the whole situation, and takes themselves to a nunnery. Or perhaps Spain. Either way.
I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to play out. I'll keep you posted.
For anyone new to the discussion, you can get up to speed on the backstory here.
This morning I performed what is now my usual morning routine. I woke up, thought, 'Oh, I can sleep another 15 minutes', then immediately thought, 'No I CAN NOT, MUST. DESTROY. GRAY. SEDAN!'
I then leaped out of bed (which is to seriously risk pulling something at my age), threw on some clothes as fast as I could, and raced to the freeway.
Where I sat at a dead stop for over 10 minutes because apparently everyone is stupid and forgot that we live in Minnesota where things freeze from time to time and really we should stop all being surprised by that.
Needless to say, as I pulled into the parking ramp at 5 to 9, my spot was well and truly already occupied by the evil gray sedan who is currently the bane of my existence.
Damn you, gray sedan. Damn you.
My options for vengeance were limited, no matter how my heart yearned for same.
-I couldn't key them. Outside of being bad karma, it would also be fairly obvious who had done it once I resumed parking in the spot. Plus we're then looking at payback scenarios.
-Cutting their brake line - while eliminating the fear of them knowing who did it afterwards OR being around for payback, there's still the karma issue to consider. Plus possible jail time.
-There was no immediately obvious option 3.
There I was, alone in the parking ramp with nothing but a swipe card and some spare change. And so I did what anyone would do.
I left a dime on top of their car, in an area where I hoped it would be immediately spotted.
My line of thought ran more or less along these lines. The driver of the Gray Sedan, upon returning to his/her vehicle would see the coin and be perplexed. 'Why is there a coin on my car? Was someone throwing coins at my car? No, a quick review of the vehicle shows no sign of dents or scratches. And yet this coin. From whence came this coin?? A Pox upon you, shiny currency, for your mystery has like a dew from the brow of Jove fallen upon the brightness of my mind and rendered all but shadow!'
Yes, in my mind the driver of the car is a someone from one of Shakespeare's History plays.
Further, for every day the Gray Sedan defeats me and claims my spot, I'll put a further coin of random denomination on their roof. Maybe a nickle. Then a quarter. Then a Pound. Maybe a Lira (They don't even TAKE these anymore!). Perhaps even a Chuck-E-Cheese token. Just one bewildering unit of currency after another, until eventually the driver is driven mad by the inexplicability of the whole situation, and takes themselves to a nunnery. Or perhaps Spain. Either way.
I'm pretty sure that's how it's going to play out. I'll keep you posted.
Thursday, October 24, 2013
10 thoughts on Day 1 of no carbs/no sugar
As long term readers are probably aware (and 'hi' to both of you, again) I'm officially beginning what might be the most poorly thought out plan in my life. And again, for those who've known me for a while you'll be aware of the enormity of that statement.
To recap, a couple weeks ago I got my weekly email workout tip from the gym that I belong to but almost never get to. (Although to be fair, 694 has been completely impassable for months now so the State of Minnesota Highway Department should probably shoulder some of the blame on this issue.) It advised - as a method of getting ready pre-holiday season - to challenge yourself to go 30 days working out 5 times a week and taking in as few as possible of carbs and sugar.
Watch the gut just melt away, they said.
Well, nearing the end of Day 1 of this thing, here are my 10 uppermost immediate responses.
1: You know what has sugar and carbs in it? Everything. Sorry, I should be more specific. Everything that makes life worth living.
2: I had a whole thing planned today to discuss how SteamPunk has arguably become too popular and how I would like it to go back to being a pleasant little niche interest. But to be honest, I am far too busy hallucinating about Toast to care about that right now. We'll circle back to the idea later on.
3: What's great about drinking your coffee black? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.
4: It turns out that one thing that has a lot of sugar and empty calories in it is in point of fact alcohol. See Item #1.
5: At what point did I not realize that FREAKIN' HALLOWEEN is smack dab in the middle of my 30 days without sugar?
6: Lots of Thai food is perfectly fine for a low sugar/low carbs diet. The big bowl of rice that accompanies your curry with chicken and coconut milk... not on that list.
7: Seriously. Halloween.
8: I did build into the plan a subclause that I am referring to as 'The Omaha Exemption' based on a likely trip there around November 9th. What happens in Omaha stays in Omaha.
9: Even as we speak I am eating tuna fish directly out of the can with a fork. This is how close we are to reverting to animals, people. By day 10 I fully expecting to be lurking in a cave, hunched over a lemon pepper chicken breast to which I will only refer as 'My Precious...'
10: I've probably already saved 3 bucks in Soda Expenses. Once you factor in the scotch budget for the 30 days you almost start to come up with a compelling case for the experiment. Almost.
That's all for now. If you'll excuse me I'm off to the basement to search the deep freeze for frozen vegetables.
To recap, a couple weeks ago I got my weekly email workout tip from the gym that I belong to but almost never get to. (Although to be fair, 694 has been completely impassable for months now so the State of Minnesota Highway Department should probably shoulder some of the blame on this issue.) It advised - as a method of getting ready pre-holiday season - to challenge yourself to go 30 days working out 5 times a week and taking in as few as possible of carbs and sugar.
Watch the gut just melt away, they said.
Well, nearing the end of Day 1 of this thing, here are my 10 uppermost immediate responses.
1: You know what has sugar and carbs in it? Everything. Sorry, I should be more specific. Everything that makes life worth living.
2: I had a whole thing planned today to discuss how SteamPunk has arguably become too popular and how I would like it to go back to being a pleasant little niche interest. But to be honest, I am far too busy hallucinating about Toast to care about that right now. We'll circle back to the idea later on.
3: What's great about drinking your coffee black? Nothing. Not a goddamn thing.
4: It turns out that one thing that has a lot of sugar and empty calories in it is in point of fact alcohol. See Item #1.
5: At what point did I not realize that FREAKIN' HALLOWEEN is smack dab in the middle of my 30 days without sugar?
6: Lots of Thai food is perfectly fine for a low sugar/low carbs diet. The big bowl of rice that accompanies your curry with chicken and coconut milk... not on that list.
7: Seriously. Halloween.
8: I did build into the plan a subclause that I am referring to as 'The Omaha Exemption' based on a likely trip there around November 9th. What happens in Omaha stays in Omaha.
9: Even as we speak I am eating tuna fish directly out of the can with a fork. This is how close we are to reverting to animals, people. By day 10 I fully expecting to be lurking in a cave, hunched over a lemon pepper chicken breast to which I will only refer as 'My Precious...'
10: I've probably already saved 3 bucks in Soda Expenses. Once you factor in the scotch budget for the 30 days you almost start to come up with a compelling case for the experiment. Almost.
That's all for now. If you'll excuse me I'm off to the basement to search the deep freeze for frozen vegetables.
Wednesday, September 4, 2013
The Omega Dog
I should clarify - by 'Omega Dog' I'm referring to being as far away from the 'Alpha Dog' as it's possible to get. If you came here hoping for a discussion of post-apocalypse vampires.... well, I'd advise you to check back on any other day because there's realistically a 50/50 shot that they're going to come up in any given discussion here. I might also direct you to the post about Iowa from the beginning of August for more of that sort of thing.
But I digress.
We've know each other for a while now, gentle reader, and I feel that the time has come to come clean about something.
My name is Willum, and I am an Omega Dog.
As you are probably aware, I've lived in me life (not counting the first three months in the Hibbing Animal Shelter - and a big 'Hi' to Big Shirley if she's still there) with a total of Six other dogs. Seven if you include cousin Britney the Lab who comes and visits a lot. And I am here to tell you that I have cheerfully let each and every one of them face-hump the crap out of me.*
*All right, enough with the tittering** It's a dog-dominance thing, there's no need to be juvenile about it.
** I said Tittering! Hee Hee!
Everybody talks about being an Alpha Dog like it's the best thing ever, but I have to tell you - I've seen that job and I do not want it. The hours. The stress. The constant need to smack down new puppies - and let's face it - every year they just keep getting younger and younger. You can't keep that shit up forever. SO much easier to just roll over, show that belly, and hope that somebody happens by to scratch it for you, because that is a thing that is never going to get old my friend. Not ever.
It's like an old friend of mine used to say -
Powerful truth, friends. Powerful.
But I digress.
We've know each other for a while now, gentle reader, and I feel that the time has come to come clean about something.
My name is Willum, and I am an Omega Dog.
As you are probably aware, I've lived in me life (not counting the first three months in the Hibbing Animal Shelter - and a big 'Hi' to Big Shirley if she's still there) with a total of Six other dogs. Seven if you include cousin Britney the Lab who comes and visits a lot. And I am here to tell you that I have cheerfully let each and every one of them face-hump the crap out of me.*
*All right, enough with the tittering** It's a dog-dominance thing, there's no need to be juvenile about it.
** I said Tittering! Hee Hee!
Everybody talks about being an Alpha Dog like it's the best thing ever, but I have to tell you - I've seen that job and I do not want it. The hours. The stress. The constant need to smack down new puppies - and let's face it - every year they just keep getting younger and younger. You can't keep that shit up forever. SO much easier to just roll over, show that belly, and hope that somebody happens by to scratch it for you, because that is a thing that is never going to get old my friend. Not ever.
It's like an old friend of mine used to say -
Two roads diverged in the wood, and I,
I took the road more travelled by.
And it was SO much more convenient
with places to stop and eat and a few nice hotels.
Powerful truth, friends. Powerful.
Thursday, June 27, 2013
That's just terrible advice, Pop Music
I don't know if you pay a lot of attention to the lyrics of popular songs, but I do as I have very little else to do besides nap, scratch myself, and pull apart the occasional chew toy.
And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.) They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.
For Example:
Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.) They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.
For Example:
Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash
And if you can't be with the one you love, honey
Love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
You gotta love the one you're with
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