A fair while back now at work we got into a discussion* about what the most 'Minnesota' possible cocktail was. Relevant background - Minnesota is the State we live and work in**. For those foreign readers, it's one of the ones in the middle. Not, not that one. Yeah, you're thinking of Wisconsin. We're to the left of them. It's cool. Common mistake.
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| Not Wisconsin. |
*Yes, by 'got into a discussion', I do mean 'I rambled on about it at some length while everyone else politely tried to continue working.'
**Although we are owned by Canadians now. The company, that is. Not Minnesota. Well... actually, there's an argument to be made there... Discussion for another time. It's been good, but poutine has - thus far - been notably lacking.
After some thought, I eventually came up with the following drink recipe:
-2 oz. Vodka
-2 oz. Cream of mushroom soup (prepared, not condensed)
-Garnish with two tater tots and one pillow mint
-Serve neat in a lowball glass rimmed with Hidden Valley Ranch ranch dressing powder.
For some inexplicable reason, this obvious triumph of a recipe was not immediately met with universal acclaim. Although my boss, Larry, did - after a moment or two of thought - christen it 'The Lutheran Snowplow'. So, he can't have been completely disinterested in the topic. Or perhaps he just wanted to put a pin in things. Who can say.
Now, one of the things that you're required by law to do as a citizen of the State of Minnesota is to make a Tater Tot Hotdish at regular intervals. And that's not a state law, that's Federal. Yeah, I don't know why they thought that was a good use of their time either, but there it is. A tater tot hot dish is what I'm assured the rest of the world knows as something called a 'casserole'. In its simplest form it's a layer of ground beef, topped by a layer of premixed cream of mushroom soup*** and your personal choice of can of vegetables. I'm a corn purist myself, but a solid case can be made for mixed vegetables. That's between you and your god.
***Pro hack - mix one can cream of mushroom soup and one can cream of celery. You're welcome.
On top of that you dump a bag of frozen tater tots****, then bake the whole thing at 350 for about an hour.
**** If you don't know what tater tots are I don't even know how to help you.
As I made the requisite run to the grocery store for the ingredients for the aforementioned hot dish, I realized something profound. I was purchasing 2 of the 5 components for the greatest Minnesota themed alcoholic beverage ever conceived of in a green sand iron foundry. Plus, I already had vodka at home, because I'm not an animal.
The location of Hidden Valley Ranch ranch dressing powder packs is, by this point, a well-known thing and such was easily obtained. That just left the elusive pillow mint.
I have to admit, my hopes were not high that I might find the elusive pillow mint at my local grocery store. I briefly toyed with the thought of downloading some sort of dating app for women over 70 and looking for someone nearby, as such a woman would without question have a small dish of them sitting helpfully on a small living room table. But fortune was with me (if not with our local septuagenarians looking for love) and the store actually carried them. They're for some reason insisting on calling them 'cloud mints', but they are clearly the same thing.
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| It's happening. |
All the pieces are in place. We're doing this.
Now the question you're obviously thinking (other than 'Dear God, why?) is 'Is this a drink that's served chilled vodka cold, or hearty cream of mushroom soup warm? And the answer to that is 'I honestly have no idea.' SO, we're going to prepare a split batch of soup and try it both ways, in the interest of scientific integrity.
As I write this, the tater tot hotdish has just been put in the oven. All that's left now is to prep the second can of cream of mushroom soup, chill half of it, and then sit back and think about times in my life that I could have made better choices.
Will update later as we approach zero hour.
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| Cocktail with the red toothpick is warm. Cocktail with the blue toothpick is cold. |
OK, the results are in and warm is 100% the way to go. As you can see, getting tater tot garnish to balance on the rim proved to be beyond me, and the pillow mints dissolved almost immediately, which in hindsight I should have expected.
But fun fact - The pillow mint proved to provide a really fun finishing note to the overall flavor complexity. I admit, I expected the pillow mint to be the albatross on this particular drink, but it turned out to be the MVP.
Also, powdered ranch dressing on the rim not only looks delightful but is also fucking delicious. I would caution anyone from letting it dry on the glass though, because it appears to harden into a substance that could safely drive space shuttles through re-entry.
Also, if I tried this in the future, I would absolutely filter out the mushroom chunks, which were emotionally upsetting.
Also, and I feel obligated to mention this, it cannot help but be noted that the final product looks unmistakenly like a glass of what we might politely refer to as 'gentlemen fluid.' I don't know what to do with that information. Perhaps, as a courtesy, we can all just politely move on from that observation.
Your move, beverage makers of Wisconsin.
