Flaw, or Awesomeness?

First off - Three things.  These above all you must understand if all else is to make sense.

1. When I was 15 I was the passenger in a car accident and went through a windshield

2.  I am prone to growing crazy old man eyebrows

3.  I regularly misquote the opening to A Christmas Carol, as witnessed above.

This afternoon I was giving myself a haircut*, part of which is trimming my eyebrows**

*Because I don't have that much hair anyway, and I'm poor.

**Because they go immediately from trimmed to Beorn*** in about three days 

*** That one's for the Hobbit enthusiasts among you.

As I trimmed the my right eyebrow* I happened to notice the five or six diagonal scars I have running through that eyebrow up onto my forehead**

*That would be stage right.  To the rest of you it would appear to be the left on

**A souvenir of item #1 above.

I mentioned to someone later, as I was thinking about it, that I'm always vaguely disappointed that no one ever comments on my scars, as I personally love them.  I think they look super badass and give me a 'I might possibly be a super-villain of some kind' sort of air.  He replied that most people probably just think it would be rude to mention your disfigurement.

This took me aback a little bit, because I've honestly never thought of them as a disfigurement. (See above RE: Badass Super-villainy)  But thinking about it now I guess I can see his point. 

Still, I can't help but think it would be cool to have somebody say, 'Hey - Those scars look totally badass.  Are you a recurring Batman villain by any chance?'

OK, as dreams go it ain't climbing Everest, but it's mine.

Taking Care of (Haunted Real Estate) Business

In the State of Minnesota (where I live*) there is apparently a law that when you sell a property you have to disclose whether or not it is haunted

*That's one of the ones in the middle, for those outside the United States

Now, I'm not 100% sure whether this is true or whether it's just something we say on Ghost Tours to give the Forepaughs mansion that air of verisimilitude* but it's still an interesting legal point.  Are you still bound by it if you don't believe in ghosts?  How many people have to believe that it's haunted before you become contractually obligated?  Is just the fact that crazy Aunt Betty swears she didn't forget her meds that day and there's no other explanation possible for what happened to her panties enough?

*Still a great site to check out though. It's a restaurant now - the food is good and the stories of Molly the angry ghost maid are fantastic.

In any case, the other night I dreamed that I did, in fact, have a haunted house to sell.*

*I'm not sure how I knew for sure that it was haunted.  I don't remember being particularly threatened by the ghosts, I just wanted to sell the place and the whole 'might have to reveal that it's haunted' thing was a minor inconvenience.  In real life I do own a home, although I'm pretty certain it's not haunted and I have no interest in sell it at the moment.  But hey - make me an offer and we can see what happens...

Due to one thing or another which made perfect sense in the dream I was attempting to sell the place to Bachman-Turner Overdrive*

*Canadian Country-Rock Crossover group from the 70s.  Their hits include 'Taking Care of Business' and 'You Ain't Seen Nothin' Yet'**

**You know... the one with the stutter.  You sing along to it and then feel unsure whether it was offensive or not***

***All the best songs make you feel bad about yourself.  See Also 'Love the one you're with' and 'Pumped up kicks'

I'm not sure why Bachman-Turner Overdrive was buying a house together.  Particularly as they broke up quite some time ago.  I don't know, maybe they needed somewhere to regroup before hitting the Casino circuit, who can say.

What I CAN tell you is that I realized only in hindsight that I probably selected them to sell the place to because they were Canadian and in some way in my head that justified ignoring the rule about spectral-disclosure.

When in doubt, screw over Canada.  That appears to be what my subconscious is saying.

Now, if you'll excuse me, I need to go drink a twelver of Molson-Golden by way of apology.

DIY Cop Porn

In case you've been living in a yurt for the last year or so, in the US we've been having what could be described as a 'spirited' national discussion about the Police.

This is nothing new, and is a problem almost all societies have had to deal with. 

- Pretentious reference alert coming - 

The quote Quis custodiet ipsos custodes? dates back to the poet Juvenal in the 1st century and roughly translates to 'Who Watches the Watchmen'*

*He was actually more concerned with making sure that his wife wasn't banging the guy who's job it was to make sure his wife wasn't banging anyone, but the point still stands.  Plus he indirectly gave us Alan Moore's The Watchmen, so he's more than earned the shout out.

-Pretentious moment over.  Please resume normal service -

In any case, one of the solutions proposed in the US to address the problem is the usage of bodycams; which police officers can wear and film everything they do so that later on the public can be shown the footage so that they can see that yes, the good citizen in question was in fact actually attacking the officer at the time and has only themselves to blame for getting shot.*

*I might be revealing my personal bias on a couple of national cases there...

This is all well and good in theory, and most of the cops I know are down with the idea.  There are however a couple of bugs to be worked out of the system.

Namely, one particular case this past summer highlighted a giant, throbbing* hitch in the system. Namely, the officer in question accidentally turned his camera on before going to use the bathroom and then happened to catch a suspect immediately afterward.**

*If the officer in question is to be believed. 

**I think it was Ohio, Urination, and Assault.  In that order.  Not 100% certain on the first and last items.

Yes.  The bodycam footage consisted of a minute or so of the camera watching the 'little officer' while he relieved himself, before moving on to show the arrest.

The Good Citizen's lawyer made the argument that in order to present the evidence they would have to show the entire footage in a public court in front of a jury, as the law prohibited any editing of the bodycam footage.

Two things are obvious here.

First - The defense lawyer was clearly just trying to use the threat of broadcasting 'Wang-cam' to anyone who cared to see it in the hope that the officer would be too embarrassed and the case would get dropped.

Second - The correct response from the officer should clearly have been, 'Go for it.  Here's the address where the jury can send me thank-you notes.'

Sadly I am unable to tell you what the ultimate outcome of the whole affair was, as I've been unable to find any information about it online. 

On the plus side, we can add 'Cop accidentally films himself Urinating' to the list of things in my search history that are going to raise an eyebrow somewhere at some point.

But the larger point here - isn't all of that footage available to the public under the freedom of information act? 

And if so, wouldn't the cagey move be for the Police Department to just accept that and make it work for them?  They could start cross-referencing all the footage under things like 'Misdemeanor Theft - 8"- Veiny and Uncut.

With the money from ads on the downloads they'd never have to worry about funding again.

I'm just saying.

Happy New Year, Whoever the Hell You Are

Last night I received a text.

This was in no way unusual as I'm kind of a sixteen year old girl when it comes to texting - although I am physically incapable of using 'cute ' texting abbreviations and feel compelled to completely type out things like 'See You', 'Too, To or Two', 'Be Right Back' and 'Yes, You Are Contributing to the Escalating Collapse of the English Language Simply for the Sake of Saving Half a Second To Completely Type out that You Will Be Right Back'*

*Other notable accomplishments of the sixteen year old girl of which I am not capable - Brushing my hair, legally attending a slumber party of other sixteen year old girls, and menstruating.  

No, what was notable about this text was that it came from a completely unfamiliar number and said simply-

'You still up for a question?'

I took a moment to try to figure out if this was a number I should be familiar with and failed to do so.  But they had bothered to spell out 'You' properly, so I figured What the Hell and sent back -

'Sure.  What's up?'

After a minute or two of sitting quietly and being mildly curious about what the question was and if it would give me any pointers as to whom I talking with, I received back -

'Sorry i dialed a wrong number.  I am a realtor was trying to reach client and pressed 1 wrong number.  Sorry.'

On my first read of this I missed the word 'realtor' and spent a few minutes wondering what sort of 'client' this mysterious texter had.  Were they a Lawyer?  A Prostitute? A Drug Dealer of some kind?  Then I read the word 'Realtor' and realized that my second guess had been the correct one.*

*Cheap shot at Realtors there.

Now, obviously they lost a little bit of ground with comma usage there (not to mention the uncapitalized 'i'...) BUT - they did have the courtesy to send a reply that both explained and apologize, and I'm a huge fan of both of those activities.  So I happily plunged forward and sent back -

'No worries.  That would explain why I have no idea who the Heck I'm talking to :)'

Note both the dangling participle and the old school hand crafted emoticon.  I am not myself above criticism.

Clearly the realtor was an amiable sort, because a moment later I got back -

'Ha ha yea that's true.  Have a good night'

Now, commas aside I confess I was growing fond of the realtor by this stage based entirely on their manners.  Which is a little sad when you think about it.  What does it say about our society when that little amount of common courtesy and good manners is so unexpected and striking.  Nothing good, that's what.  This is what comes of allowing people to just stop using vowels.

And so I sent back -

'And to you.  For the record, depending on what the question was my answer was going to be either four or Sacramento'

Yes, I see the missing comma now.  It was late.  I was tired.

A minute or so passed and I got back -

'ha ha thats funny'

To which I responded -

'They're both solid answers'

I never got a reply to that one, so either the Realtor had finally realized that I was never going to stop responding unless they did or they got a hold of their client and were having a more relevant conversation at that moment.

I like to think that my mysterious realtor found the answer that he or possibly she was looking for.  Who can say.  All I can add is this -

'Happy New Year, mysterious Realtor out there somewhere in the night.  I hope you found the answer you sought.  And if the question was either What's the Capitol of California or the Square Root of Sixteen, I like to think I might have even been the guiding star that set you on the course.

Happy New Year

Vizsla Flashback - Notable Joans

It goes without saying (except that I'm going to go ahead and say it.  Which, really, everybody does immediately after saying 'it goes without saying', which makes you wonder why we bother with the phrase in the first place.  But I digress...)

It goes without saying that Joan Jett and the Blackhearts' greatest hits album is just about the best guilty pleasure record out there.  In point of fact, I really tried to use The Blackhearts in The great Vizsla Theoretical backup band knife fight discussion of last month.  Except that I couldn't think of anybody who stood a chance against them.  Not even the Robert Palmer girls, and they're cannibal robots.*

*Which may mean that they eat other robots... 

Allow me to take this opportunity to refer you to just one of the many reasons this album kicks ass - 

Joan Jett, being awesome

So clearly, Joan Jett is supercool.  But when you think about it, 'Joan' isn't a name that particularly lends itself to 'cool'

My name is Joan, and I'm cool anyway.

(Although I may have had a little work done...)

 The only other notable Joan's that I'd even consider in the catagory-

Cusack

Clearly the coolest Joan of all time

It's not her fault that her brother is apparently kind of a jerk in real life.

 Osborne

I know, I know.  I didn't used to think so either.

But I saw her make a really gracious acceptance speech once that made me think, '

Hey Joan Osborne.  You're pretty cool.

 Of Arc

Come on.

She was pretty awesome.

I'm glad that we've settled this issue.

#NoMoreFreakingGates

A little while ago our little town was embroiled in a frankly ridiculous bit of scandal that actually made it so far as getting a segment on The Daily Show.

I speak of course... of #pointergate

The quick backstory (as that scandal itself isn't really what I'm here to talk about today)-

Once upon a time

There was a good and beautiful (probably) new Mayor of The City

For reasons that aren't particularly important here

she ran afoul of Mean Mr. Police Union Steward*

One day, while the Mayor was skipping through a meadow

looking for photo ops at get out the vote events 

prior to the midterm elections

She came across Mr. African-American-Vote-Turnout-Volunteer

(Who admittedly has a bit of a checkered past, 

but seems to be trying to turn his life around)

This!  

This was the photo op our good and beautiful 

(probably) mayor was looking for!

And so they had their picture taken, 

pointing at each other in that cheesy 

'Hey, we're having a picture taken together!' way

Mean Mr. Police Steward saw this 

and knew that this was his opportunity

So he used his magic mirror and called his best friend

Mr. Local News Station So Pathetically Stupid 

That It Defies Belief

and said to him, 'Look!'

Our new Mayor makes the dreaded 'Gang Sign' 

to a man clearly guilty of being outdoors while not white. 

"Spread the news of the vile 'Gang Sign' so that all can see

that New Mayor supports Gangs 

and not The Good and Beautiful (occasionally) Mr. Police Department

And so Mr. Local News Station spread the word far and wide, 

showing all the dreaded 'Gang Sign'

And all who saw the photo looked at it for a moment an said,

"Um... they're just pointing at each other.

I have pictures of me doing that with my grandmother..." 

And Mr. News Station took to the air and said,

"Nu-uh.  Totes Gang Sign.

Plus, we never said it was 'gang sign', 

we only said Mr. Police Department said that 

and besides it's totes not racist 

because we're just reporting and look - 

totes Gang Sign!"

The Mr. News Station took to the air and said that 8 more times, 

because Mr. News Station is a Fucking Idiot. 

And the whole thing became known as 'Pointergate' because we as a society are also kind of stupid and think that just adding the suffix 'Gate' on the end of anything makes it mean 'scandal'

It doesn't.

'Watergate' was called 'Watergate' because that's the name of the Freaking Hotel, not because it was a scandal about 'Water' in some way.  If you give a quick glance to the wikipedia page dedicated to the subject it's readily apparent how completely out of control the whole thing has gotten.** 

Come up with your own name for new scandals people.  It's about standards

*Now, normally I am 100% pro-Cop.  Make no mistake about that.  But in this circumstance it seems pretty clear that the Union Steward was attempting to use a deliberately misleading smear campaign for political points and that is not OK.  Cops are held to higher standard because they are supposed to be better than that.

**And don't even get me started on the little sub-human trash perpetuating Gamergate.  Mostly because I'm afraid of what they might do to my online information.  There is, thankfully, very little they could do to my Credit Score that I haven't already done myself.  Which in this case I'm going to call a win.

The Low Maintenance Verification Test

Yesterday at work I was chatting with a coworker, as one does, about a different co-worker, as one also does.*

*In a super friendly positive way, not in a bitchy behind their back kind of way.**

**Because that totally never happens***

*** That sentence is going to get super ironic in couple paragraphs

At one point I said something along the line of 'Oh, she's great.  She's super low maintenance.'  Then I remembered that we're now in an open plan office space and she could very well have heard me say that. 

So I felt awkward about it for a minute. 

And then it occurred to me that 'low maintenance' is not actually an insulting thing to be called

So I felt OK for a minute.

Then it occurred to me that I'm not really offended by anything at any time and so I might not be the best judge on that sort of thing, and then I was completely confused about the entire issue.

And so I took an informal workplace poll.

Helpful friend Sarah at work (she of the Ducks and Bunnies) thought about the question for a moment and said, 'You know- if you ARE offended by being called Low Maintenance that kind of proves you aren't.' 

And thus was witnessed the birth of a beautiful thing -

A sentence that fact checks itself.

Think how amazing the world would be if all sentences in English contained that feature.  Michele Bachmann would never be able to speak again, and that alone makes it worth doing.

All we need is a complete reconstruction of idiomatic grammar, so anyone out there with a time machine and a passing interest in linguistics, this is your call.