Happy Anniversary, Vizsla

One year ago today this blog began.

In that amount of time you can...



Raise a crop of cabbage

Grow your own basil.

Create 1.33 repeating babies

Catch up on Cougar Town

Read a few books

Macrame a plant holder shaped like an owl

Better yourself through a regime of improved diet and exercise




Aren't you glad you spent the year reading things here instead?

Vizsla Flashback: An Open Letter to America

This bears repeating - Originally published here September 5th of 2013



It was brought to my attention this morning how I've recently taken to making cheap shots about certain sections of the American public <cough>tea Party <cough>, the institutions of America <cough>public School system <cough>, and now I have a sore throat <cough>no, I really can't stop coughing...<cough>

That acknowledged, I felt like it might be appropriate for you and me to clear the air, America. 

I can't promise that this will entirely keep me from taking cheap shots at you for little things like having a complete disinterest in learning anything about anyone else, seeing as how I've never been able to pass up a cheap shot in my life....  But at the very least I think this will help you to understand where I'm coming from.

Dear America,

I realize that it's unfair of me to be mad at you for your behavior when I've never actually sat down with you and explained exactly what I need to get out of this relationship.

And so, in the spirit of trying to work through this together, here are the things about your recent behavior that I'm having a really difficult time dealing with.

You've taken to demonizing intellectual curiosity

Look, I'm not one of those guys that makes judgements about people based on how smart I think they are.  Partially because a persons intelligence level is about the least interesting and least important facet of their character that there is (look at curiosity, compassion, humor, and grace and then tell me intelligence is even in the freakin' ballpark when you're talking about important qualities.)  But much more importantly than that - when you make a judgement about someone else's intelligence level you are absolutely 100% guaranteed to be wrong. 

Which is why it's troubling to me that there's been a creeping trend toward using phrases like 'The Intellectual Elite' in smug little soundbites about how those smarty-smart-pants are trying to run your life and you're sure not gonna stand for that, are you?

You're starting to buy into a belief system that anyone with a college education is 'them' and that 'they' are your enemy, because 'they' think they're smarter than you are and are going to try to run your life.

First of all, the notion that the American population is made up of 'us' and 'them' is complete and utter bullshit and you should immediately question anyone that tries to tell you that it is.  There's just 'Us' America.  And regardless of anyone's personal level of education, we all have an equal stake in this and no one is going to sneak away from their Harvard Doctorate program to steal your children away in the night.

Different people take different paths.  Some people go to graduate school.  Some people work for the City mowing lawns or putting out fires.  Neither one of those is the 'right' choice, they're just different options.

So for the love of God, let's all try to remember that when somebody tries to play the 'Us' versus 'Them' card, they're really just trying to get you to continue doing point 2...

You've Taken to Accepting a Single News Source as Gospel without question

This is not, as it might appear at first glance, just a shot at Fox News.  Although God knows they are guilty of the 'them intellectual types are out to get you' politics.  But there are just as many people reading/watching Maddow/Anderson Cooper and not ever questioning the absolute truth of what they're reading/watching

(A disclaimer - I actually like both Maddow and Anderson Cooper quite a lot.  I'm still opposed to ever taking a single news source at face value without doing further research on your own)

You know who encourages you to not look into issues further or to crosscheck their facts?  People who know they are lying to you.

Which leads me to...

You've stopped caring if something is true as long as it confirms something you already believe.

According to non-partisan fact checking organizations, Michelle Bachmann has a 'lie' rating of over 70%.

Take a moment with that.

Of everything that horrible HORRIBLE woman says - nearly three out of four of them are simply not true.

It's not that they're viewpoints about which civilized people might disagree and deserve further discussion.  It's that they are fundamentally NOT TRUE.  Quotes attributed to people who never said them.  Articles claimed to be in bills that simply don't exist.  Conversations that never EVER happened.  Scientific proof that she has completely made up out of the blue.  And unlike her, I actively encourage you to go and double check this statistic for yourself.

And she is never EVER called on it in any meaningful way because people have stopped taking the time to hold the people they agree with accountable for accuracy.

That's not OK, America.

Which brings me also to...

You've given up on the belief that it's possible for two reasonable people with equal access to the facts to disagree about an issue without one of them, perforce, having to be the anti-Christ.

It is actually possible.  In fact, accepting that is kind of the only way our system works.  Holding everyone else ransom until you get your way on every single point leads to the Congress we currently see not getting anything done.


So.  That's where I sit.  I still love you, America.  I believe we can work this thing out.

Come on baby... .gimme a little sugar....

Portrait of the artist as... um... possibly stoned? I have no idea.

For reasons that aren't entirely relevant or interesting, I found myself going through a stack of old notebooks from the early 90s today.

One of those notebooks turned out to be an old rehearsal journal from ComedySportz back in 1994.  At least that was it's original intent.  However it becomes abundantly clear flipping through it that I rapidly lost interest with jotting down notes and instead starting just doodling whatever came to mind in it.

I have no explanation for the images you're about to see.  I can only swear to you that - despite what it says in the title - I was not actually on drugs.

I'm relatively sure.

Slide One - a piece we call ...

'Poorly Drawn Hand with Stickman'

Now, I can actually kind of see where I was going with this one.  Realistic hand crushing tiny stick man.  I think I may have had some sort of larger point about the contrast between reality and imagination, but that is undercut by two significant factors.

1.  That's the most pretentious thing I've ever heard and it kind of makes me want to travel back in time and nut punch 23 year old me as hard as I possibly can.

and

2.  That's probably the crappiest drawing of a hand the world has ever seen.

Moving on...

'Oh No, Sharks'

In this piece we see the silhouette of a man hanging by one hand from what appears to be an enormous muffler while a giant zombie hand reaches through a hitherto non-existent dimensional portal.  In the background there is a pair of legs clearly labelled as having a 'bad knee' and in the upper left we see what appears to be a dancing pair of scissors.

The man is looking down and saying, 'Oh no, Sharks!'  (Sharks not pictured)

It's interesting that the man is concerned about the sharks and isn't saying 'Oh no, Giant Zombie Hand', or, 'Oh no, that looks like a terrible knee injury', or 'Why in the name of all that is holy is that pair of scissors dancing?'  But I guess we all have to adopt our own set of priorities in a crisis.

'Inuit Centipede Has a Hearing Problem'

I think this piece speaks for itself.

and finally...

Man With the Foot of a Duck

A statement about man's bestial nature?

A Comment on duality?

Or did I just get tired of drawing feet?

Only Art Historians can be the judge.


Thank you for your time.  With that I'm headed out to the front porch to await the arrival of The Doctor and Amy Pond

The Grimm Endnotes - Revealed!

For some time now the world has been lacking a singular literary resource. 

But no more.

At long last, we can present to you the recently uncovered* -

Complete Grimm's FairyTales Endnotes

*Seriously, there's just no excuse for them not having published these with the stories in the first place.  It would have cleared SO many things up.

1. Invitations would probably have gone by courier as there was no established postal service in either kingdom, so really this is all Medieval FedEx's fault

2.  It's a thing they used to use to spin thread out of bits of sheep.  No, I don't know why there's a pointy bit on it either.

3.  She wasn't

4.  See also Silverman's essay on nettles and restlessness

5.  14

6.  No, they just worked there, they didn't own it.

7.  She made sure to stretch first.

8.  Because Granny was kind of a bitch, that's why.

9.  Earlier versions used alum, but left you with itchy loins afterwards.

10.  May 14th

11.  No, she probably didn't realize they were all gay.

12.  Well, a partial truth, anyway

13.  Well, not literally, obviously.  Think of the mess.

14.  On the other hand, he was particularly well endowed.

15.  She didn't regret it as much as she thought she would, as it turned out.

16.  Why it was a human sized harp and not a giant sized one remains an unanswered question.

17.  Those stains never came out

18.  CRACKERJACK!

19.  It was really only the fascia that was edible

20.  Old-timey underpants.



Thank you.  I hope those cleared things up

Vizsla Flashback - That's just terrible advice, Pop Music

I don't know if you pay a lot of attention to the lyrics of popular songs, but I do as I have very little else to do besides nap, scratch myself, and pull apart the occasional chew toy.

And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.)  They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.

For Example:

Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash

And if you can't be with the one you love, honey 
Love the one you're with  
You gotta love the one you're with 
You gotta love the one you're with  
You gotta love the one you're with

Now... I'm imagining the phone call.  See if you can spot the problem here-

<ring>  <ring>

 "Hello?"

"Hi Hun, it's me, Bob.  Just called to say that traffic is pretty bad out, so I'm just going to have to nail Judy in accounting "

"Oh, that's fi.... I'm sorry, what was that?"

"well, you know I love you baby, but I can't get there right now, so... you know.  Hello...?  Honey...?"

I can guarantee you that nothing good is going to happen to Bob after this conversation.  Particularly if HR finds out about it.

Someone Like You

Adele

Never mind, I'll find someone like you

You mean someone else who will dump you when you beg them to stay and then going on to be blissfully happy with someone else?  

Yes, that's exactly who you should be searching for.  Don't be afraid to repeat those mistakes girlfriend, I'm sure it will turn out totally different this time.

Spice Girls

Wannabe

If you wannabe my lover,

you gotta get with my friends

Really?  Because most of the woman I know are pretty emphatic that 'getting with' their friends will have more or less the exact opposite effect.  And probably end up with them removing your genitalia with the garden shears. 

I'm just saying..  you should probably double check with her first before acting on this one.

I Will Wait

Mumford and Sons

I will wait, I will wait for you

I will wait, I will wait for you

(repeat until the apocalypse arrives)

 Now, I'm of two minds on this.  It depends on the situation, you see.  If it's an 'I will wait for you... until you return from your tour in Iraq', then yes.  Good advice.  You should embrace that.  In fact, see the above RE: Garden shears if you don't.  

However...

If this is an 'I will wait for you... because I am a guy and you don't like dudes, but I'm just going to hang out and keep my fingers crossed that you'll drink too much at some point..' then that is a bad plan and pretty much guaranteed to not work out well for anyone. 

Just because you can dance to it doesn't make it a valid life choice.  That's all I'm saying.

Vizsla out

100,000 B.V.

OK, actually just 8 B.V. or thereabouts

Many a few year before starting the dog-blog you are currently reading, before Whatculture.com and upworthy and denofgeek, before the internet became mostly about datamining and sending you targeted adds for Sarah Brightman everywhere you go despite the fact that you clearly only clicked onto her website once and it was for work I swear to god...

Before all that there was The Doctor Who Ratings Guide.

Still located at www.pagefillers.com/dwrg, the ratings guide was a place for many of us to start publishing articles about Doctor Who on the internet.  (this was, you'll recall, before there was any idea a new series would ever happen, so it's even geekier than you're already imagining.  The thought of the cool kids wearing David Tennant TARDIS T-shirts while they skip gym class and beat up your grandmother was inconceivable then.

For reasons not particularly interesting, I remembered that the guide exists today.  And so, here's one of my contributions from back in the day. 

You're welcome, Universe

Some dos and don'ts upon meeting various Dr. Who villains

A guide with some good general advice.

We all know the old chestnuts about aiming for eyestalks and how stairs won't protect you. But the Daleks are only one of the things you might encounter during your trip around time and space. Upon venturing out into the universe, it's handy to keep in mind some good general safety guidelines in order to prevent falling afoul of one of the many evil despotic (or at least highly antisocial) masterminds you might encounter along the way.
In that spirit, here's a handy take-along list of points to remember

Should you happen to meet...

THE MASTER:

DO- Casually mention how you've been looking for someone to obey and would be only too happy to do so. (Note: You might want to make sure that it actually IS the Master prior using this one, as this is probably an inadvisable thing to mention in other situations. Say - for example - you and The Doctor have found yourself in a strange and mysterious Galactic Hard Core S&M Leather Bar. Now, I'm not judging anyone's lifestyle.. All I'm saying is you should probably be aware of what you're getting yourself into.)

DON'T- Stand there whimpering like an idiot waiting to be turned into an adorable action figure replica of yourself

DON'T- Casually mention how nice your father's body is. (Actually this is just good advice on meeting anybody. It's a creepy thing to do, and no good conversation is going to come from it.)

DON'T- Stare at the shiny object swinging back and forth. No. Seriously. Don't. Just look away. Even though it's so shiny.. Sooooo shiny... Sooooo... Where was I?

A MOVELLAN:

DO- Grab the shiny silver vibrator off their belt.

DON'T- Ask them how it felt to have their Grammy taken away. It's an embarrassingly old joke, and the Movellan isn't going to get it anyway.

A VERVOID:

DO- Mention how against slavery you are and how you can't get enough of red meat.

DON'T- Shake hands.

DON'T- Deliberately expose him and all his kind to ultraviolet light causing the extermination of their entire race, because God knows you get picked up and sent to court for any little thing in the future and they're going to bring up the whole 'genocide' thing and then suddenly you're in ALL this trouble.

TTOXYL, HIGH PRIEST OF SACRIFICE:

DO- Pretend to be a reincarnation of some deceased priest/god. If nothing else it buys you a little time.

DON'T- Screw up his whole 'Eclipse' thing. It's at the very least rude and at most life-threatening.

AN ICE WARRIOR/LORD:

DO- Make a quick check to see if they're in their 'be courteous to you' period or they're 'tear off your head and stick it on a tallish pole' period. I can't stress how important this distinction is.

DON'T- Ask him to sing a chorus of 'Fascinatin' Rhythm'. Oh, and try to avoid sending his whole fleet into the sun if at all possible. You know, unless you have to.

A TYTHONIAN AMBASSADOR: (Note: not technically 'evil', per se.)

DO- Establish diplomatic relations with him BEFORE chucking him in a great big hole.

DON'T- Immediately try to put your mouth on his big dangling appendage. It's only polite to at least buy him a drink first. And if you DO decide to go ahead and do it anyway, you certainly shouldn't expect it to lead to increased communication, because it never, ever does. How many of us have made THAT mistake?

SCAROTH, LAST OF THE JAGAROTH:

DO- Tell him how much you enjoyed his role as the AT-AT Commander in Empire Strikes Back. I'm sure he doesn't hear that nearly enough and he really was quite good.

DON'T- Ask how his family is.

THE RANI:

DO- Compliment her leather pants, as it's only polite.

DON'T- Worry about being turned into a tree, as they have a much longer life span and it's not like you were going to DO anything with the rest of your life anyway, right?

DON'T- Eat maggots. Although, frankly, if that's the kind of advice you need then I'm not altogether sure that there's any hope for you.

A CYBERMAN:

DO- Safely lock and secure your time vehicle behind you.

DON'T- Worry about them being any kind of a threat, as they will inevitably turn out to have an incredible violent weakness for any old thing that you happen to have to hand, up to and including gay pornography. ("Ex-cell-ent! We have ac-qui-red the Time Lord's DVD at last. OH NO! It's Back Door Ban-dits Four! We are Doomed. DOOOOOOOOMED!")

THE MARA:

DO- Keep an eye on how much Rouge you're applying at the time. For some reason the Mara's presence tends to make people go completely overboard on the stuff.

DON'T- Under any circumstances, agree to share your body. Again, get drinks first.

A BIG SCARY DIDOAN SAND BEAST:

DO- Remember to keep it leashed and pick up it's droppings when taking it on walks through the park. It's the law.

DON'T- Immediately shoot it with a flare gun and kill it, as it will without fail turn out to be some young orphan's pet and she'll be all pissed about it. Not that she'll ever mention it again. Or even remember, apparently.

A SILURIAN/EOCENE/EARTH REPTILE:

DO- Make an effort to immediately learn it's first name, as I have no idea at this point which species name is
Wrong/Inaccurate/possibly racist.

DON'T- Stare at the third eye. Hey! My two eyes are down here, buddy!

I Hope that these simple guidelines will ensure a safe and happy tour through this, our Universe.

I'm trying to meditate on balance, but I keep falling over

Happy Vernal Equinox!

It's the one day a year when you can get away with using the word 'Vernal'

We should celebrate that.