Vizsla Flashback - Well. That Plan Certainly Ganged Aft Agley, now didn't it.

I don't recall if I've ever mentioned it, but Vizsla's love rearranging furniture.

So the other day, in amongst a fit of trying to get the stupid computer working again (a struggle which I ultimately won, as you will observe) I decided that the obvious approach to the problem was to rearrange the den.

Step one of this plan, for reasons that are far too complicated to go into here, was to clear off the bottom two shelves of a bookshelf on the far side of the room so that I could lovingly display the VHS copies of Doctor Who episodes circa 1963-1989 in broadcast order next to the shelves of the DVD releases of same.*

*Yes, I realize how sad that sounds typed out.

In any case, part of the rationale of clearing off the shelves was that I really do have a hell of a lot of books in the den that don't really need to be there and now live quite happily on a shelf in the basement.  See, Doctor Who does fix everything.

So there I was, going through a buttload of P.D. James and Charlaine Harris and god knows what else, when I came across a small copy of Robert Burns' Tam O'Shanter (which as I recall I bought in a W.H. Smiths in Ayr, although I might be mistaken about that.)

Robert Burns, for those who are unfamiliar, was a Scottish poet (and so much more actually, but we'll keep it to the cliffnotes here) who - amongst other things - wrote a poem called, 'To a Mouse, On turning her up in her Nest, with the Plough, November, 1785.'

The title may not immediately ring any bells for you, however it's relatively certain that you've quoted it at some point, as this is the one that contains the bit about 'The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...'

The actual quote, second stanza from the end of the poem, runs thus-

But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane

In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes o' Mice and Men

Gang aft agley,

An' lae'e us nought but grief an' pain,

For promis'd joy

   
Now it's a safe bet that a reasonable percentage of you just said - 'That's not how it goes' or 'I learned it went 'Go Oft Astray' or 'I'm only here for pictures of Markie Post in a bikini.  Where are the pictures of Markie Post in a bikini?'

Robert Burns' primary contribution to poetry, literature, and art in general lies in this exact point.  He was one of the first - if not the actual first - writers in modern English (ish) to say 'screw all that formal English, I'm going to write in the dialect that people actually speak.'  Which is where all that so-called 'Mongrel' Gaelic blend 'Gang aft agley' business comes from.  It means more or less 'go oft astray', but no one in the real world would actually ever put it that formally.  In 1785 Scotland they would have said 'Gang Aft Agley', and so that's how Robert was Damn Well going to write it, formality and convention be damned.  He was tearing down the artificial distinction between 'legitimate' 'highbrow' language and the low-brow 'common' way that actual human beings spoke to one another. If you don't see why this appeals to me, allow me to refer you to Vizsla versus the Myth of High and Low culture, 17 Limericks about Orthography, and several other previous columns.

It's also worth noting that this is the same poem that gave the world (and Russell T. Davies) the phrase 'Tim'rous beastie', Which means that Burns is responsible however indirectly for John Steinback, Eddie Izzard and Tooth and Claw.

The point of the poem, should anyone care is that Robert was out plowing his field, accidentally ran over a mouse hole, thus destroying the tim'rous beastie in questions home, and basically spend a few pages saying, 'wow.  Sucks man.  You spent all that time building a nice house and somebody just comes along and screws it up for you.  Just goes to show, no matter how hard you plan things can still go wrong.  That's why it's a mistake to try.  Or care about anything.'*

*That last part is merely implied.

All of which is my way of leading up to the revelation that the diet isn't going terribly well.

To bring us all up to speed - Previously on: The 42nd Vizsla - I announced that I was attempting this 30 days with no carbs and no sugar thing despite the many reasons why that was a horrible idea.

Day 1 - All went well.

Day 2 - did pretty well until about 10:30 pm at which point I determined that I could not carry on working on my Halloween costume without a glass of scotch.  (In my defense, I was nearly done and the cuffs were kicking my ass.

Day 3 - Was a weekend.  Can of Soda on the way to a work event.  Large soda at the work event.  Large Scotch after the work event (In my defense, it was a kids movie screening.  I defy anyone working such an event to not have a largish drink afterwards.

Day 4 - Sunday.  Well, the weekend was already shot anyway...

Day 5 - Back on the wagon.  Until early evening when we had a chicken with rice hot dish, but it was delicious and I don't regret a thing.

Day 8 - Work Halloween party.  Then Halloween.  The predictable occurs

Day 9-12 - Who are you to judge me.

And so... I have to decree the great no crab/no sugar event of 2013 to be less than an entire rousing success.

BUT...

I have cut pop intake down to less than a can every other day

I haven't actually had any carbs at work since I started - it turns out the vending machine has almonds.

It actually got me to start working out daily again.

So, all things being equal, it can't be said to be a total failure either.

Now I just have to deal with this guy who just drove a plow through my house...

Well. That Plan Certainly Ganged Aft Agley, now didn't it.

I don't recall if I've ever mentioned it, but Vizsla's love rearranging furniture.

So the other day, in amongst a fit of trying to get the stupid computer working again (a struggle which I ultimately won, as you will observe) I decided that the obvious approach to the problem was to rearrange the den.

Step one of this plan, for reasons that are far too complicated to go into here, was to clear off the bottom two shelves of a bookshelf on the far side of the room so that I could lovingly display the VHS copies of Doctor Who episodes circa 1963-1989 in broadcast order next to the shelves of the DVD releases of same.*

*Yes, I realize how sad that sounds typed out.

In any case, part of the rationale of clearing off the shelves was that I really do have a hell of a lot of books in the den that don't really need to be there and now live quite happily on a shelf in the basement.  See, Doctor Who does fix everything.

So there I was, going through a buttload of P.D. James and Charlaine Harris and god knows what else, when I came across a small copy of Robert Burns' Tam O'Shanter (which as I recall I bought in a W.H. Smiths in Ayr, although I might be mistaken about that.)

Robert Burns, for those who are unfamiliar, was a Scottish poet (and so much more actually, but we'll keep it to the cliffnotes here) who - amongst other things - wrote a poem called, 'To a Mouse, On turning her up in her Nest, with the Plough, November, 1785.' 

The title may not immediately ring any bells for you, however it's relatively certain that you've quoted it at some point, as this is the one that contains the bit about 'The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men...'

The actual quote, second stanza from the end of the poem, runs thus-

But Mousie, thou art no thy-lane

In proving foresight may be vain:

The best laid schemes o' Mice and Men

Gang aft agley,

An' lae'e us nought but grief an' pain,

For promis'd joy

   
Now it's a safe bet that a reasonable percentage of you just said - 'That's not how it goes' or 'I learned it went 'Go Oft Astray' or 'I'm only here for pictures of Markie Post in a bikini.  Where are the pictures of Markie Post in a bikini?'

Robert Burns' primary contribution to poetry, literature, and art in general lies in this exact point.  He was one of the first - if not the actual first - writers in modern English (ish) to say 'screw all that formal English, I'm going to write in the dialect that people actually speak.'  Which is where all that so-called 'Mongrel' Gaelic blend 'Gang aft agley' business comes from.  It means more or less 'go oft astray', but no one in the real world would actually ever put it that formally.  In 1785 Scotland they would have said 'Gang Aft Agley', and so that's how Robert was Damn Well going to write it, formality and convention be damned.  He was tearing down the artificial distinction between 'legitimate' 'highbrow' language and the low-brow 'common' way that actual human beings spoke to one another. If you don't see why this appeals to me, allow me to refer you to Vizsla versus the Myth of High and Low culture, 17 Limericks about Orthography, and several other previous columns.

It's also worth noting that this is the same poem that gave the world (and Russell T. Davies) the phrase 'Tim'rous beastie', Which means that Burns is responsible however indirectly for John Steinback, Eddie Izzard and Tooth and Claw.

The point of the poem, should anyone care is that Robert was out plowing his field, accidentally ran over a mouse hole, thus destroying the tim'rous beastie in questions home, and basically spend a few pages saying, 'wow.  Sucks man.  You spent all that time building a nice house and somebody just comes along and screws it up for you.  Just goes to show, no matter how hard you plan things can still go wrong.  That's why it's a mistake to try.  Or care about anything.'*

*That last part is merely implied.

All of which is my way of leading up to the revelation that the diet isn't going terribly well.

To bring us all up to speed - Previously on: The 42nd Vizsla - I announced that I was attempting this 30 days with no carbs and no sugar thing despite the many reasons why that was a horrible idea.

Day 1 - All went well.

Day 2 - did pretty well until about 10:30 pm at which point I determined that I could not carry on working on my Halloween costume without a glass of scotch.  (In my defense, I was nearly done and the cuffs were kicking my ass.

Day 3 - Was a weekend.  Can of Soda on the way to a work event.  Large soda at the work event.  Large Scotch after the work event (In my defense, it was a kids movie screening.  I defy anyone working such an event to not have a largish drink afterwards.

Day 4 - Sunday.  Well, the weekend was already shot anyway...

Day 5 - Back on the wagon.  Until early evening when we had a chicken with rice hot dish, but it was delicious and I don't regret a thing.

Day 8 - Work Halloween party.  Then Halloween.  The predictable occurs

Day 9-12 - Who are you to judge me.

And so... I have to decree the great no crab/no sugar event of 2013 to be less than an entire rousing success.

BUT...

I have cut pop intake down to less than a can every other day

I haven't actually had any carbs at work since I started - it turns out the vending machine has almonds.

It actually got me to start working out daily again.

So, all things being equal, it can't be said to be a total failure either.

Now I just have to deal with this guy who just drove a plow through my house...

Vizsla Flashback - 17 Limericks about Orthography

Back on July 11th, 2013, I accidentally typed 'Limericks' when I really meant 'Haikus'

But once it was typed I felt obligated to roll with it.

This was the result

(Side note - Writing 17 Limericks takes longer than you expect it will...)

Today, because I am totally willing to discuss the subject at the drop of a hat and because I have the vaguest of feelings like I'm supposed to be celebrating something today but have forgotten what, I hereby declare today to be that most important holiday on the Vizsla calendar -

Celebration of Orthography through Limericks day!

 It's the study of the systems by which a spoken language is represented in written form, 

me laddies and lassies!  Ta loo rah loo rah loorah!

1

There once was a study of writin'

into which your teeth really could bite in

It's Ortheographic

How words move like traffic

And I for one find it delightin'

2

Poetry's long been around

As a story form it's main renown

-you can eas'ly relate

 Keeping all your facts straight

Without writing anything down

3

The Egyptians, they took some papyrus

they said 'One day all folk will admire us

Our Cuneiform 

will take off like a storm

And then spread through the world like a virus!'

4

One day the Romans invaded

Into Britain, but found themselves jaded

The Saxons could speak

But their contracts were weak

without having writing like they did.

5

For the spoken to written transition

every language must take a position

if your language's just oral

you're certain to quarrel

and have no way to take a petition

6

I can hear what you're saying, it's true

But I feel that I'm certain to rue

Without getting it written

I'm telling you, Kitten

You'll forget it by quarter to two.

7

Slavic Language is wrote in cyrillic

An alphabet not quite idylic

cause when I write a 'P'

it's an 'R' that they see

And that makes me feel like quite a pillock

8

Our alphabet's root are phoenecian

But Cyrillic's are found to be grecian

The differences lie

to be found by and by

in the width of the Caspian Sea-shin.

(I apologize for that one.  I really do.  I'm sorry you had to read that)

9

Our relationship, you must agree

Can be compared linguistically

In Voiced/Voiceless despair

of our consonant pair

I'm am clearly the P to your B

(OK - you probably have to be a huge linguistics geek to appreciate that one, but trust me - It is some funny shit.  I swear)

10

Our system of writing is Roman

But when looked at, might make you say 'Whoa, man,

The H and the T

In no way line up to be

The 'th' sound that we use it it show, man!'

(This has bothered me for some time.)

11

Contracts once were recorded on clay

To be kiln dried and stored for the day

That the terms had been gleaned

then the pot could be cleaned

and then used to store Oil of Olay

(Ok - this one is in no way true.  Outside of the fact that such clay pot contracts did, in point of fact, predate the este lauder company by some three thousand years, they simply wouldn't have done such a thing.  Fun fact though - they did actually write the contract out on two clay pots and seal one inside the other, so that if there was any accusation of it being changed they could crack open the outside pot and double check it on the inner one.  Suck it, Dan Brown!)

12

Of all of the forms of linguistics

to have fascinated fakirs and mystics

Orthographical study

Is my favorite buddy

And I'm sorry, but that sounded too sad to even continue on with a last line, even if I had come up with a second rhyme for 'Linguistics'

13

There once was a scribe from Nantucket...

uhm... never mind that one...

14

To write was once just for the priesthood

It allowed them to document feasts good (ouch... sorry about that...)

Now we're all out of joint

But there once was a point

when our high school graduates at least could.

(Note: I didn't say they were 17 good Limericks about Orthography.)

15

Fricative, labial, or glottal

They could all drive a man to the bottle

But at least I can say

at the end of the day

that I totally got away with a legitimate use of the term 'labial' a few lines ago.  

Boom.  That just happened.

16

Though it might make you say 'la di dah'

I've a keyboard fact stuck in my craw

I could sit here all day

but would still have no way

to correctly type in a nice Schwa

(it's the the upside down 'e' thing.  It's derived from a Hebrew notation and refers to the vowel sound you make when you just don't care anymore.)

17

Orthographic variations are neat

Modern language is, with them, replete

there's still much more to show

but my British fans know

that this limerick list is compleat.

(And today we learned that 17 limericks is too many to try to write on any particular topic.)

Tomorrow, one hopes, sanity returns.

17 limericks about orthography

Today, because I am totally willing to discuss the subject at the drop of a hat and because I have the vaguest of feelings like I'm supposed to be celebrating something today but have forgotten what, I hereby declare today to be that most important holiday on the Vizsla calendar -

Celebration of Orthography through Limericks day!

 It's the study of the systems by which a spoken language is represented in written form, 

me laddies and lassies!  Ta loo rah loo rah loorah!

1

There once was a study of writin'

into which your teeth really could bite in

It's Ortheographic

How words move like traffic

And I for one find it delightin'

2

Poetry's long been around

As a story form it's main renown

-you can eas'ly relate

 Keeping all your facts straight

Without writing anything down

3

The Egyptians, they took some papyrus

they said 'One day all folk will admire us

Our Cuneiform 

will take off like a storm

And then spread through the world like a virus!'

4

One day the Romans invaded

Into Britain, but found themselves jaded

The Saxons could speak

But their contracts were weak

without having writing like they did.

5

For the spoken to written transition

every language must take a position

if your language's just oral

you're certain to quarrel

and have no way to take a petition

6

I can hear what you're saying, it's true

But I feel that I'm certain to rue

Without getting it written

I'm telling you, Kitten

You'll forget it by quarter to two.

7

Slavic Language is wrote in cyrillic

An alphabet not quite idylic

cause when I write a 'P'

it's an 'R' that they see

And that makes me feel like quite a pillock

8

Our alphabet's root are phoenecian

But Cyrillic's are found to be grecian

The differences lie

to be found by and by

in the width of the Caspian Sea-shin.

(I apologize for that one.  I really do.  I'm sorry you had to read that)

9

Our relationship, you must agree

Can be compared linguistically

In Voiced/Voiceless despair

of our consonant pair

I'm am clearly the P to your B

(OK - you probably have to be a huge linguistics geek to appreciate that one, but trust me - It is some funny shit.  I swear)

10

Our system of writing is Roman

But when looked at, might make you say 'Whoa, man,

The H and the T

In no way line up to be

The 'th' sound that we use it it show, man!'

(This has bothered me for some time.)

11

Contracts once were recorded on clay

To be kiln dried and stored for the day

That the terms had been gleaned

then the pot could be cleaned

and then used to store Oil of Olay

(Ok - this one is in no way true.  Outside of the fact that such clay pot contracts did, in point of fact, predate the este lauder company by some three thousand years, they simply wouldn't have done such a thing.  Fun fact though - they did actually write the contract out on two clay pots and seal one inside the other, so that if there was any accusation of it being changed they could crack open the outside pot and double check it on the inner one.  Suck it, Dan Brown!)

12

Of all of the forms of linguistics

to have fascinated fakirs and mystics

Orthographical study

Is my favorite buddy

And I'm sorry, but that sounded too sad to even continue on with a last line, even if I had come up with a second rhyme for 'Linguistics'

13

There once was a scribe from Nantucket...

uhm... never mind that one...

14

To write was once just for the priesthood

It allowed them to document feasts good (ouch... sorry about that...)

Now we're all out of joint

But there once was a point

when our high school graduates at least could.

(Note: I didn't say they were 17 good Limericks about Orthography.)

15

Fricative, labial, or glottal

They could all drive a man to the bottle

But at least I can say

at the end of the day

that I totally got away with a legitimate use of the term 'labial' a few lines ago.  

Boom.  That just happened.

16

Though it might make you say 'la di dah'

I've a keyboard fact stuck in my craw

I could sit here all day

but would still have no way

to correctly type in a nice Schwa

(it's the the upside down 'e' thing.  It's derived from a Hebrew notation and refers to the vowel sound you make when you just don't care anymore.)

17

Orthographic variations are neat

Modern language is, with them, replete

there's still much more to show

but my British fans know

that this limerick list is compleat.

(And today we learned that 17 limericks is too many to try to write on any particular topic.)

Tomorrow, one hopes, sanity returns.