Sunday, June 30, 2013

Vizsla Flashback: Satin, I cast thee out!

First Printed March 30th, 2013

I reprint it today because it makes a nice pair with yesterday's column and because it kind of fits with the weekend.

Satin, I cast thee out!

Now, I don't like to draw a lot of hardcore immutable lines in the sand, but I do know one thing.  If at any point during your argument you feel the need to declare that the opposing viewpoint is, and I'm quoting from online discussion boards here, 'The work of Satin', then I'm afraid you have nothing valid to add to the argument.

Or, for that matter, the gene pool.  And yet who get's neutered?   Not that I hold a grudge.

I'm of course not going to deny that satin is, undoubtedly the most sinfully shiny and drape-able of fabrics.  I'm sure it's led many a young prom night couple into shady dealings.

But I'm also reasonably sure that it carries very little voice in the sphere of national politics.

What I'm trying to say is:  If you're looking for fabrics that have something to answer for you clearly need to start with velour.  I mean, honestly, what's more destructive to society - letting same sex couples marry, or a fabric that you can't wash, unravels at the merest suggestion that you might be interested in packing it in a suitcase, and yet STILL cannot manage to breathe properly.

And why is Satin getting all the blame-slash-credit for upsetting the bible belt while Lame (must learn how to put french accent-ague on keyboard, but you know the shiny bolt of lustful temptation to which I refer) gets off scott free?  Sure, there are some tradeoffs.  As a wise man once said, the evil ones cant get away with Lame.  It gets camp.  But does that excuse it for taking no blame whatsoever while poor satin plays the patsy?

And what of corduroy?  Who amongst us has not felt the frictional shame of cord-crotch?  Well, not me of course in that I have never worn pants, but I still feel your pain- And I'm talking to you, Mr. 12-year-old-in-1978-at-the-middle-school-winter-dance.  But take heart- Empire Strikes Back comes out in three years, it'll make all the pain go away.

So I say, 'Go, Satin, go!'  Embrace your immutable 'you'-ness.  Because where the hardcore evangelicals see shiny and sinful, I see shimmery fabulousness.

Praise Satin!  And all it's prom related works!

Saturday, June 29, 2013

I can't prove the existence of God, but I can prove the existence of spellcheck

As longtime readers (all three of you) will by now be aware - I occasionally like to spend a little quality time browsing through the comment boards on far right wing evangelical websites.

This is either a commitment to remaining aware of the current state of radical American politics, or a manifestation of self-hatred.  Could go either way, to be honest.

I should mention that such things in Internet-parlance are generally referred to as 'trolling' (e.g. maintaining a presence on comment boards that are in direct ideological opposition to your own views for the sole purpose of stirring the regular posters there up by making snarky comments.  V=Kn)

Now, before I go on - A few disclaimers.

1:  You are never going to solve anything with anyone by debating it on the Internet. 

2:  If you engage in an argument on the Internet comment boards (I'd say 'debate', but I just can't bring myself to be that generous) You are actively becoming part of the problem, not fixing anything.

3:  If you care at all about spelling or grammar you should never go withing three thousand miles of the Internet.  Seriously, it's where the souls of English majors go to die.

The counterpoint to each being -

1a: We all know that, and yet sometimes it's so hard to resist.

2a: We all know that, and yet sometimes it's so hard to resist.

3a:  If you've taken that advice you're not here reading it.

So it is with no small amount of hypocrisy that I continue with this story.

The other day I encountered the following post on one of the particularly egregious sites.  

"That's an obomination." <sic>

Now, I had to take a minute with this one, because it's not always possible to tell if they're deliberately misspelling something to be insulting, (Demon-crap for Democrat is a particular favorite.) or if it they were just stupid. (usually a safe bet.)

'So after a while I posted in response 'Either you're going for 'abomination', or 'Obamanation'.  I'm not sure which.  But in either case you have lost your 'A'.'

Which is when I discovered that I was no longer allowed to post on Onenewsnow, because apparently a few years of pointing out spelling errors, grammar errors and logical inconsistency leads moderaters to no want to hear what you have to say anymore.

Which, ironically, brings me back in line with the three rules that I was ignoring above.

I'm going to call that a win.

-Vizsla out

Friday, June 28, 2013

Suck it, Cliffnotes

Being a well-read Vizsla (and there is after all a reason that I equal knowledge) I thought I might take a moment and boil down some of the prominent of your human authors their most fundamental essence, thus sparing you the need to actually do all that reading.

You're welcome.

So-  Without further ado- 

Everything you really need to know

Ernest Hemingway 
-Suck it up, ya big baby.

John Steinbeck 
 -People pretty much suck.

Harper Lee
-OK, maybe not everybody sucks

J.K. Rowling
 -There is an important distinction between people that are actually evil and people who are merely unpleasant

J.D. Salinger 
 - Get off my lawn or I will shoot you in the face

Mary Shelley
 -It's important to bear in mind the decaying effect of hubris on pure science and approach the search for knowledge as a pure state rather than as a way to glorify yourself through discover.  Also compassion should be the true measure of humanity for without the soul the body is but a vessel for destruction.  Plus if you make a bet you should man up and actually finish your stupid submission for the contest I'm looking at you Lord look-at-me-I'm-way-too-busy-wearing-blousey-shirts-Byron

William Golding
 -Holy CRAP, do people suck.

Gene Stratton-Porter
-Please stop f*cking up the planet.  Also, my eyes are up here buddy.

J.R.R. Tolkien
   -Linguistics f***ing rocks.  Also, Hang in there kitten, Friday's coming.   

C.S. Lewis
-You know, I did write other things...

William Shakespeare (Possibly Francis Bacon)
People are really their own worst enemies.  This is either sad or funny, depending on the situation.

Ludwig Wittgenstein
-Math isn't real. (seriously.  This is the entirety of what I got out of Tractatus Philisophicus)

You're welcome, planet. You may now resume playing Xbox Kinect

Thursday, June 27, 2013

That's just terrible advice, Pop Music

I don't know if you pay a lot of attention to the lyrics of popular songs, but I do as I have very little else to do besides nap, scratch myself, and pull apart the occasional chew toy.

And I can't help but notice that while a lot of the songs are catchy and probably fun to dance to if one was capable of such things (I have 4 left paws personally.)  They are also, however, frequently really, really, bad advise.

For Example:

Love the One You're With
Crosby, Stills and Nash

And if you can't be with the one you love, honey 
Love the one you're with  
You gotta love the one you're with 
You gotta love the one you're with  
You gotta love the one you're with

Now... I'm imagining the phone call.  See if you can spot the problem here-

<ring>  <ring>
"Hi Hun, it's me, Bob.  Just called to say that traffic is pretty bad out, so I'm just going to have to nail Judy in accounting "
"Oh, that's fi.... I'm sorry, what was that?"
"well, you know I love you baby, but I can't get there right now, so... you know.  Hello...?  Honey...?"

I can guarantee you that nothing good is going to happen to Bob after this conversation.  Particularly if HR finds out about it.

Someone Like You

Never mind, I'll find someone like you
You mean someone else who will dump you when you beg them to stay and then going on to be blissfully happy with someone else?  

Yes, that's exactly who you should be searching for.  Don't be afraid to repeat those mistakes girlfriend, I'm sure it will turn out totally different this time.

Spice Girls

If you wannabe my lover,
you gotta get with my friends

Really?  Because most of the woman I know are pretty emphatic that 'getting with' their friends will have more or less the exact opposite effect.  And probably end up with them removing your genitalia with the garden shears. 

I'm just saying..  you should probably double check with her first before acting on this one.

I Will Wait
Mumford and Sons

I will wait, I will wait for you
I will wait, I will wait for you
(repeat until the apocalypse arrives)
 Now, I'm of two minds on this.  It depends on the situation, you see.  If it's an 'I will wait for you... until you return from your tour in Iraq', then yes.  Good advice.  You should embrace that.  In fact, see the above RE: Garden shears if you don't.  


If this is an 'I will wait for you... because I am a guy and you don't like dudes, but I'm just going to hang out and keep my fingers crossed that you'll drink too much at some point..' then that is a bad plan and pretty much guaranteed to not work out well for anyone. 

Just because you can dance to it doesn't make it a valid life choice.  That's all I'm saying.

Vizsla out

Wednesday, June 26, 2013

Summer Vacation plans of the SCOTUS

With the tiresome final batch of decisions typed, collated and handed down, it's time once again for the august members of the Supreme Court of the United States of America to go on their long awaited Summer Holidays.

Which leads the average Vizlsa on the street to wonder - how exactly do the guardians of constitutional justice in these, our United States spend their summer down time?

Well wonder no longer,  here we can now finally reveal -

The official Summer Vacation Plan Docket of the Supreme Court of the United States of America

Chief Justice John Roberts

Must return to the underworld for his annual six month obligatory term as Hades' bride due to contractual obligations negotiated by his mother Demeter, Goddess of Harvest

Clarence Thomas

Chasin' tail and pleasin' the ladies.  Possibly considering getting an addition to the barbwire tattoo around left bicep.

Ruth Bader Ginsburg

Attempting to decrease number of youth in her neighborhood who choose to wear pants at an unreasonably low beltline through combination of disapproving glances and dissenting calls to neighborhood mothers.  Also enrolled in gymnastic pole dancing class at neighborhood Y.

Antonin Scalia

Resuming the skinning and swallowing whole of live babies.  Possibly getting in some light reading.

Anthony Kennedy

Will attempt once again to successfully throw 'fishbowl' style swingers party.  Will spend lonely evening staring forelornely at the keys to his '93 Dodge Viper, sitting alone in bottom of fishbowl.

Elena Kagan

Drinking until the shaking and spiritual emptiness pass.  So many hopes...  So many dreams...

Sonia Sotomayor

Volunteering time teaching calculus to deaf students from impoverished neighborhoods in attempt to cement moral superiority over Breyer

Stephen Breyer

No one knows.  No one asks.  All anyone will say is that he'll return some time in mid august with haunted eyes, occasionally muttering something about 'them'.

Samuel Alito

For $35, anything you like.  Also macrame

Tuesday, June 25, 2013

Ah Marky Mark, we meet again. But this time we - the Funky Bunch- will have our revenge!


Yes Marky Mark.  Your eyes do not deceive you.  It is we - your arch nemeses - The Funky Bunch.  And this time the advantage is ours!

Please, by all means, struggle against your carbon monofiliment reinforced excrutio-bonds.  We can assure you - there is no chance you will escape this time!

Scream all you like, you petty fool.  Scream like we did when Music For the People made it to #21 on the Billboard 200.  Oh, but how the memory of those happy times leaves naught but the unquenchable bittersweet thirst for vengeance in these, our vicious funky throats. 

Feel the 'Good Vibrations' now, Mr. Mark!  Feel how they buuurrrrrrn.

I hope you don't mind us pointing this enormous death laser at your glistening shirtless torso...  Oh yes Marky, we know that you've forgotten your shirtless roots, but we- those of us faithful to the old ways - we shall never forgot nor prove unfaithful!

You really thought you could escape us, didn't you.  HA!  We say again HA HA!

In fact, MWA HAHAHAHAHA!  You cannot begin to imagine the infinite depths of our Funky Bunch Powers!  For we have not lain dormant, waning in our memories of that brief reunion period between December of 2007 and August of 2008!  We SAY NO!

Oh... but what is that you can see above you... could it be... you see the silhouette of The FunkyCopter?  Could you possibly be such fool that you dream of escaping these shackles and somehow making your escape.  WE DEFY YOU MARKY MARK!

The Funky Copter has but been left there for you to experience the exquisite agony of a moment of hope - much like we felt when our song "I want you" was featured on the Super Mario Brothers movie soundtrack. - so that it sears you inside when we take that hope and crush it without mercy.


What???  You fools!!! Who didn't check his secret boot compartment!!  It was totally you, wasn't it Scottie G!!!  After him you fools!!  Use the death ray powers of our universally panned video game - Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: Make My Video, truly only it's awesome powers of suckiness can bring Marky Mark to his final doooooooooommmmm!!!

Oh Crap.  Hector, you totally left the keys in the FunkyCopter, didn't you.

DAMN YOU MARKY MARK!!!  You win this round.  But know this!  The Funky Bunch.... Will... Be... Waiting!!!!


Monday, June 24, 2013

An Interview with Imaginary Fairuza Balk

We here at the 42nd Vizsla could not be more thrilled with having scored the opportunity at sitting down with Imaginary Fairuza Balk for a candid talk about her past roles and future career decisions that is in no way marred by the fact that she isn't actually here.

VIZSLA: Hello Imaginary Fairuza Balk.  Thanks so much for agreeing to take some time to sit down with me for a little chat that's taking place entirely in my head today

IMAGINARY FAIRUZA BALK:  Sure.  No problem.  S'up.

V: Well, first of all let me just jump directly to the big issue.  Would you like to rub my belly?

IFB:  I was totally hoping you'd ask. 

V:  That's one of the perks of being a dog in these interviews is that you can totally get away with asking that.

IFB:  You know, that's really true.  When Matt Lauer asked me to it was creepy, but this feels right.

V:  Is it true that when you scratch Lauer's belly in just the right place his leg starts going?

IFB:  I'm actually not legally allowed to talk about it.  Sorry.

V:  AH.  Sorry.  I'll move on.  So, I have to tell you - The Craft is one of my favorite movies.  I watch it every Halloween

IFB:  Thanks.  I'm pretty proud of that one.

V:  I've often thought how that Goth/Victorian dress style really works for you.

IFB:  That's nice of you to say.

V:  If you got into a knife fight with Siouxsie Sioux, who would win?

IFB:  Present day Siouxsie Sioux, or Peepshow era Siouxsie Sioux?

V:  Present day.

IFB:  I would totally smoke her.

V:  And Peepshow Era?

IFB:  Well, I'd still win, but I'd have to fight dirtier.  You'd probably have to go back to Standing-Behind-Johnny-Rotton-While-The-Sex-Pistols-are-Interviewed-on-BBC era Siouxsie Sioux before she stands a serious chance.

V:  It sounds like you've thought about this a lot

IFB:  I'm not actually even here right now.

V:  Right.  So, moving on.  Return to Oz-  What was it like taking over the role of Dorothy Gale for the Wizard of Oz sequel.  Did you get any advice from Judy Garland?

IFB:  Um... I'm pretty sure she was dead at the time.

V:  So.. no then?

IFB:  No.

V:  That's disappointing.

IFB:  Not particularly.

V:  So I understand that your first name is Persian for 'Turquoise"

IFB:  So Wikipedia informs me. 

V:  Is Persian even a language?

IFB:  Not technically, no.  It's actually called Farsi.

V:  So you're saying that something on Wikipedia is inaccurate?

IFB:  Yes.

V:  Shocking.

Sunday, June 23, 2013

Vizlsa Flashback - Other People who are, upon consideration, probably not the Anti-Christ

A post from this past Easter, which you'll probably pick up on as I seem to have been compelled to mention it four or five thousand times.

Oh - And a big hello to the new reader we've picked up in South Africa.  That's just awesome.

Other People who are, upon consideration, probably not the Anti-Christ
first published 3-31-13

Hello and Happy Easter

This being the day it is (Easter, for those with a limited short-term attention span and if you do I am hardly in any position to judge because hey look, isn't that a squeeky toy??...  Where was I now?)

Ah, right.

This being the day it is (Easter) and having just noted a previous blog post in which I put forward the relatively non-threatening theory that people who merge into traffic in a way you disagree with are probably not the Anti-Christ, I felt compelled to expand that thought and touch on a few other people who are also probably not the son of satan come to bring the end times upon us however much it seems like that sometimes.

So, in no particular order-  People who are - on reflection - probably not the anti-christ

1:  People who hold different political opinions

Sure, they SEEM like evil incarnate - I mean, they disagree with you and everything.  But honestly, If you look at it from a rational Vizsla perspective, it's just possible that rational adults can reach different conclusions based on equally valid reasoning.

I know, CRAZY, right?

I mean, take for example the other day.  I was quite interested in pursuing my own 'sniff things along the fence and bark occasionally' agenda - (A long held principal of the Conservative party as it happens.)  Whereas my longtime friend and companion, the Sheltie known as 'Bear', was much more interested in his 'stand in front of me and block my progress so that I am inevitably forced to go the direction HE wants me to go' agenda.  (Also, by coincidence, a long held principle of the Conservative party.)

Does this mean that Bear is the Anti-Christ?  No.  It simply means that every once in a while it is necessary to urinate on his head so that he remembers his place.  ( a long held principle of BOTH parties)

That said, no matter how we disagree on back yard policy, at the end of the day we still spoon.

Apply this philosophy to Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell and shiver a little inside...

2: Bunnies

Really.  What's with all the carrots?  What do they need such good eyesight for?

But still, merely an irritant, what with them always leaving their little jackets hung up on the carrot patch fence.  Still not actively bringing about Armageddon.

3: Michelle Bachmann

I know.  I know.  It really FEELS like it.  But I have to believe that whatever your theological underpining you couldn't seriously believe that the final bastion of all evil would so frequently say things that look so batshit crazy as to completely undermine her effectiveness.

Simply put - Evil is more competent than this.

4: The guy who cancelled Firefly

Actually, a solid argument could be made on this one...

5: Wil Wheaton

Unless you are Sheldon, Will Wheaton is, simply put, kind of Awesome.  He's who Felicia Day would be if she had boy-parts.  I challenge anyone to listen to the story of his first meeting with William Shatner (google Wil Wheaton Paul and Storm Shatner - easy to find) and not come down on the side of 'I'm sorry you were so irritating as Westley Crusher, we're totally cool now.'

And on a related note, when did Betty White and Neil Patrick Harris become the prom king and queen of dork-chic-awesome?  And will someone please make t-shirts that say that?

-Vizsla out

Saturday, June 22, 2013

My Love/Hate relationship with Meme-world

If you spend any amount of time on the internet these days (and I'm sort of assuming that you do, since you're here - and hey, this is a good time as any to give a shout out to that one pageview in Pakistan.  As a result of you, I am totally going to claim credit for having healed international tension in that region.  You're welcome, planet.)

Let me start that again.

If you spend any time at all on the internet then you're probably familiar with the concept of 'memes', even if you're not familiar with the term. 

These are those graphics that you see over and over and over again with variations of text printed on them.  For example, the 'One does not simply' meme that references Boromir from Lord of the Rings

Boromir.  He kinda owns the internet now...
or the inimicable Sweet Brown who famously decreed that nobody got time for that.
Which led to the inevitable combination of the two :
Pop culture - Never afraid to climb up it's own ass...
There's also the dinosaur face meme:
Insert a thought that a dinosaur would be unlikely to verbalize here...
The 'Sweet Jesus' meme:
And The Commemorative Wangs of the Founding Fathers meme:

Not Picture
But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by Jefferson.
And here's the thing;  I love that meme's exist because it allows me to tell people how it comes from the Greek root and expresses a self replicating or duplicating concept or image, and shares an etymological root with 'Mime', 'Mimic', and the now long forgotten 'mimiograph'.  Because the vizsla will take any opportunity to go on about the evolution of language.  (and as alwasy, Vizsla = knowledge)
What I hate about memes is this:  We've goine out of our way to make it as easy as possible for us all to do exactly the same thing, over and over and over again.  And pretend that it remains funny every time.  It's like we're going out of our way to remove as much funny from the world as possible, and we already had Bob Saget for that.
That's all I'm saying.

Friday, June 21, 2013

Sean Bean v. The Summer Solstice

For those who might not be au fait with such things, today is the Summer Solstice.

Which means that today is the day that the northern hemisphere experiences the longest period of daylight during the year.  After tonight the days start slowly getting shorter again, until we get to the Winter Solstice in late December and they start getting longer again.  Lather.  Rinse.  Repeat.

If one is of the Wiccan school of thought (and I should mention here that although I have more than a couple friends who are, I myself am not.  Vizsla's remain firmly in the Rational Empiricist camp.  So you should probably take my observations on the Wiccan philosophy with a healthy dose of 'it's more or less in the ballpark broadly speaking, look, I'm doing my best here')


If one is of the Wiccan school of thought, today is a very important day because it marks the transition for nature from one cycle to the next.  Sort of.  Kinda.    So one thing that one might do today is to reflect on the importance of darkness returning to the world and the balance between states, and that sort of thing.  At the Winter Solstice, when one is reflecting on the importance of the return of light to the world, one might light a candle, symbolically ushering in the return of sun (which is a tad animistic of a description, but we're in the general ballpark of accurate, so I will simply ask Marc, Melissa, et all. to look leniently upon me.)

So, Conversely, when one is reflecting on the return of darkness, I suppose you might choose to symbolically respect that by snuffing a candle.

Which brings me to Sean Bean

Honestly, is it necessary to kill him in every single thing he ever appears in?

Goldeneye- Dead.  Lord of the Rings - Dead.  Game of Thrones - REALLY dead.  And the list goes on.  Seriously, does the guy give off some sort of 'I'd like to run a spear through that!' kind of vibe?

Honestly.  Being the face of the 'One does not simply...' meme does NOT make up for the fact that all of Hollywood apparently wants to butcher you.

Thursday, June 20, 2013

The correct answer is always 'Tawny Kitaen'

I am totally empowered.  Honest.
You can tell by my bracelets.

I have a confession to make.  I regularly find myself compelled to go to super radical right-wing evangelical 'news' sites solely for the sake of reading the comment threads.
I don't know why I feel driven to do so.  I suppose it's the train wreck fascination of seeing exactly how much crazy I can stand to view.  Coupled with a belief that it's probably a good idea in the long run to be aware of exactly how bad the worst of the crazy out there is.  It's not pretty, but it exists, in all of it's poorly spelled and grammatically incorrect glory.

In fact one comment I've made on such threads more than once is 'I don't know that I could prove the existence of God, but I can definitely confirm the existence of spell check.  You should look into it.'  Because, yes, sometimes the Vizsla feels compelled to stir up the unemployed fundamentalists who seem to make up the entirety of the online chat community there.

(On a related note - Disqus-  Please... just stop...)

I should say that I think the existence of such 'news' site chat forums is a positive thing.  because as long as the whack-job tea party evangelicals are safely occupied posting things in all caps without checking for spelling errors they aren't out there in the actual world trying to.. you know... actually participate in representative democracy.  Which is no bad thing.

One of the more consistently amusing things about such sites is their 'poll' features.  These are generally polls only in the most casual usage of the word- there is usually a question, followed by three or four answers that one might click on.  The difficulty that one actually expecting a 'poll' might run into is of course if one actually expected the answers available to actually... you know.. .adress the question at hand or allow for any variance of viewpoint.

What one instead finds is invariably something along the lines of-

Q:  Creationism should be taught in schools because:

1: Obama is a gay marxist muslin (sic)

2: The traditional definition of marriage is under attack!

3: Why does it hurt when I pee?

All of which leads to any rational human being just staring blankly at the question before returning to the far more amusing and satisfactory process of reading misspelled bible quotes posted in response to 'But if America isn't a theocracy isn't it just as wrong to encode your beliefs into law as it would be to exact Sharia Law?'*

*Seriously.  This exact exchange is being typed - even as we speak - by three thousand people on OneNewsNow.  Check it out.  But pour a largish drink first.

Which brings me back to Miss Kitaen.

For those not in the know, or too young to remember - Tawny Kitaen was the girl in the Whitesnake video, writhing on the hood of that car.  She was also on Baywatch and appeared a couple times in early episodes of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

She's relevant to the discussion largely because some time ago I used to post regularly on an online forum about the TV show Angel (Joss Whedon spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Yes, I know, but Jane Espenson wrote several episodes, and if you talk trash about Jane we will have an issue, you and I.)

One day I discovered that the site in question also had a poll function.  And what's more it let you offer up to 40 possible answers to vote for.  And so I posted ridiculous poll after ridiculous poll, with answers that only tangentially were even remotely related to the questions at hand (but hey - at least I was doing it intentionally.  suck it, ONN).

The relevant point here is that - religiously - every single time - the 40th possible answer was 'Tawny Kitaen'

I don't even remember why I started doing it, but by the 700th poll, it was pretty much written in stone.

The Final Answer shall be Tawny Kitaen.

This became so prevalent that to this day, any question I ask will be answered by 'Tawny Kitaen' roughly 60% of the time.  Seriously.  Go back and check my old Facebook posts if you think I'm making this up. (which just goes to prove - Helping the Hopeless folks are the best folks ever.  Because they know how to take a joke that's run into the ground and run that bitch in further just for the sheer freakin' joy of it.  Love you guys.)

And THAT is what the poll function is for, bitches.

Vizsla out.

Wednesday, June 19, 2013

I still say that Harry Morgan and Tina Yothers would make a great buddy cop movie.

Other than Harry Morgan being dead of course

And Tina Yothers being Tina Yothers.

  He's just an old War Horse.  
She has no discernible skills
 Can they work together to take down the Yakuza syndicate?

M*A*S*Hed and 'Tied.
Coming this Fall*

*Warning:  This release of this film may actually be one of the signs of the apocalypse

Tuesday, June 18, 2013

No, Universe. You can't make me.

Generally speaking, Vizsla's are all for just going with the flow.  And so when a Vizsla receives a clear directive from the universe - like, say, 'You should jump out of this canoe to chase those ducks' you can be pretty sure that your average universe-abiding Vizsla is going to follow the suggestion and do just that.

The point I'm getting to here, is that the page view counter for the blog has been stuck on 420 all day long, and I'm sorry, but I'm simply not going to do it.

Suck it, Universe.

Now don't think that I'm being all judge-y.  It's not that at all.  I simply don't have particularly strong feelings about recreational marijuana use one way or another beyond observing that it's really only illegal because it's possible to make paper from hemp at about a tenth of the cost of wood pulp and with zero pollution, and William Randolph Hearst owned a lot of wood pulp paper mills.  (V=Kn)

Oh sure- I could use the opportunity to mention that Reefer Madness is just about the fuinniest unintentionally funny movie that you will ever see (there's a solid case to be made for They Live) and you should absolutely go see it at your earliest possible opportunity.  But I'm not going to, because that would feel like a betrayal of topic and Vizslas are all about integrity.  And Bacon.  Vizslas are all about integrity and bacon.

So, 'No', I say to you - clear message from the universe as delivered by an online widget.  I defy you. 

You're not the boss of me.

Monday, June 17, 2013

So, If you're an identical/clone race, does that make dating harder or easier?

I was thinking about Sleestaks earlier today (The real ones from the Sid and Marty Krofft TV series 1974-76.  I refuse to acknowledge any others).  Addendum Note - The Show in Question was 'Land of the Lost'

We have great personalities...

And it occurred to me to wonder... if everyone in your race looks exactly the same, what does that do to your social life?  Does every encounter end up with creepy masturbatory undertones?  Does the fact that every single possible sexual partner looks exactly like your Mom AND Dad not cause a lot of late nights shuddering and doing shots of Sleestak Tequila?

I can hear many of you now pointing out that the Sleestaks were essentially bestial (despite their occasionally phenomenal toolmaking abilities...  seriously, do you remember the one where they'd made a periscope?) and so - much like Komodo Dragons or people who support Michelle Bachman,  they probably don't spend much, if any, time thinking and just do what they want when the urge takes them.

All fine and good... until you remember Enik the Altrusian.  He's either a descendant or an ancestor of the Sleestaks (sources are vague on this point) because the Sleestaks are in what I might describe as a sociopathatic warp elipse.  That is, I might describe it that way if I wanted to come across as a pretentious douche.  In that I don't, I'll just say that every thousand years or so the Sleestaks went from technologically advanced to animal and back again, over and over again.  

And yet (apart from turning gold and wearing tunics - which at least shows that they at some point develop a strain of puritan modesty about their lizard-bits) they still look exactly the same as one another.

And so we're back to the original question.  What does your lonely young Sleestak look for, exactly, while cruising the Sleestak personals?  'Young gold female - big eyes - loves camping, tunics,  and long walks by the lava pit - Seeks same'?

For that matter, say you were married (assuming Sleestaks do such a thing) and you're accused of being unfaithful.  How on Earth would you even know?  Do they set up special code words to make sure they don't accidentally bang the cleaning lady?  

And more - What possible point would there even BE to cheating on your spouse if every single person you could possibly cheat on her with was exactly the same as she was?

No wonder their society keeps collapsing.

Sunday, June 16, 2013

Vizlsa Flashback - Reprint of That Social Network

As mentioned, Sunday's are going to reposts of earlier barely viewed columns.

Happy Sunday - And a very Happy Father's Day to those who are in countries that celebrate such things

First published 3-31-13 

Let me start by just giving a quick shout out to Jesse Eisenberg - Loved Zombieland.  Sorry about Cursed.

OK, that out of the way, let me get on to the topic of the day-

Now as many of you know, I'm the smallest of four dogs at home, so I know a little bit about social networking.  For example, it is apparently wrong to pee on the Border Collie's head.  I know.  We were all surprised.  Being the warmhearted and generous sports breed that I am, I'd like to pass on some of my wisdom to the good folks at Facebook.


1:  Specificity-

I'm talking about the whole 'friending' process here.  (and when did that become a legitimate verb, by the way?  The same with 'like'  when did 'like' become a verb?  except of course for always, since it actually IS a verb, but you know what I mean, right?)  Anyhow, my point actually is that not all friends are created equal.  My feelings vary quite a bit between, say, Daddy (who brings me food, and plays pull the rope (though not as often as I might like)) and - to take a random example - Catherine Deneuve (who has to date never played pull the rope with me, but WAS in The Hunger, which has to be worth something.)

So, should both Daddy and Catherine Deneuve send me Friend Requests on the same day, how am I to indicate the relative depth of feeling in my acceptance of said friend requests?  (note to self... check on Catherine Deneuve's Facebook status...)

So what I'm thinking is that upon receipt of a Friend Request, it should be possible to assign a level of friendship to that person, commiserate to the level of ones feelings.

Now I know that the good people at Facebook are far too busy rolling naked in piles of money and eating pudding to put such a scale together, and so I've done the work for them.  Feel free to send snausages in thanks.


Friend Level 10-  You are like unto a god to me.  I love you more than beef flavored Carvers.

FL9 - You are awesome.  You may totally have a Kidney.

FL8 - When I see you, I get so excited I do circles.  And sometimes pee a little.

FL7 - I will help you move, as long as it is within a 50 mile radius of your current dwelling place

FL6 - You're pretty cool.  I will certainly go with you to the barn dance.

FL5 - I like you, but I don't care about your farmville status.

FL4 - We should totally hang out more.  Totally.  Why don't we hang out more.  I am totally going to call you after...oooo, look!  Shiny!

FL3 - If I encounter you in a social situation I will almost certainly return your guardedly friendly greeting and then stand near you in silence.

FL2 - I'm really just curious to look at your photos to see if you have gotten fat/bald since high school

FL1 - If I say yes to this will you stop calling me?

And on the flip side (not currently an option, but SO should be)  Why is it that discreetly ignoring a request is currently the only way available to let that special someone know that you hate them?  Allow me to present - The ANTI-FRIEND levels-

FL -1 I probably wouldn't cross the road to avoid you, but I WOULD hide behind a newspaper.

FL -2 I definitely would cross the road to avoid you

FL -3 I would not cross the road to pee on you if you were on fire

FL -4 I am waiting for YOU to cross the road so I can run you down with my car

FL -5 thinnnnnnnerrrrrr........

And the nuclear option -  The Facebook Nemesis button.  Must be agreed by mutual consent between parties.  Only one Nemesis allowed at a time.

I'll have to continue this one, as it is now time for me to chase a bunny.  Until then, keep scratching those bellies.

Saturday, June 15, 2013

Vizsla 2.0

 "We Can Rebuild Him."

No, sadly I am not becoming bionic (although that remains a life long goal).  

Spring cleaning is here and I'm making a few changes to the blog, plus I didn't really have a topic idea today so this seemed like a fair enough time to mention it.

First off, I've added a language translator widget thing (it's a little ways down on the right side of your screen).  Partially because I've been getting a pleasing amount of foreign traffic here, but mostly because I saw it and thought it was neat.  Be warned however - the translator is not clever enough to realize when part of the joke is lapsing into a different language, which may make a few of the German discussions somewhat confusing.

From this we can establish that Google Translate - while useful - does not possess much of a sense of humor.   Which is probably why it so rarely appears as a guest on Craig Ferguson.

Other fun changes to be on the lookout for - We've got a shiny new logo about to be revealed as part of an effort that I believe is known as 'branding'  (although I am hopeful that there will be no actual 'branding' involved.  Back off, cowboy.)

Additionally, it appears that I may accidentally follow through and set up a shop (no one is more surprised than I am) - so look for pre-order options coming soon (ish)

And finally - I'm going to be - as a  matter of policy - using Sunday to re-post an older entry from back in the '2 page views a Millennium' days as that seems more productive than just posting 'I don't post on Sunday's' every week in a variety of amusing languages.  Think of it as 'Viewer Favorites' where no one actually asked the viewer's opinion.

That said, I'm going to wrap up with a picture of a Pug dressed up like a Dalek, because I randomly googled 'Dog dressed up like Doctor Who' a moment ago and found a truly staggering number of hits, which is simultaneously amusing and possibly a cause for concern...

I will exterminate you with my adorableness

Friday, June 14, 2013

The Brothers Grimm: 'Lost' - 19th Century style

You hear a lot of comment these days, if you're on the internet reading such things and I suppose you probably are since you're here, about all the plot threads that the TV show Lost did or did not get around to answering.  Personally I come down on the side that they at least implied the explanations for pretty much everything*.  Which I personally find to be a lot more satisfying than being spoon-fed specifics as it leaves you with a lot to think about and then insult people anonymously over the internet if they don't agree

*What the Hell was up with all those behavioral research notes that were being shot out of a pneumatic tube onto a grassy field?  Am I the only one still wondering about that?

Seriously guys.  What was the deal with the tube?

That said, while people are quick to complain about Lost's dangling plot threads, you almost never hear anybody complain about the truly ridiculous number of dropped threads, unanswered questions, and curious plot logic found in your average collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales.

To Whit-

***  What the Hell was the guy planning on doing with the magic beans in the first place?  And for that matter why did he want the cow?  Did he eat the cow?  Was he planning on robbing the giants himself, but then that seemed like a lot of work and so he instead thought 'Mmmm.  Tasty Cow.  Much less work.'  Or.... did he know what would happen and was counting on Jack and the Giants taking each other out, leaving the road to treasure open for himself?  Was Jack some sort of elaborate Judas Goat?  

and on the subject

***  If laying golden eggs is an intrinsic part of your life cycle (and we sort of have to assume that it is, because otherwise it's a hell of a strange quirk for evolutionary biology to just throw out there) then exactly how long do you have to cash in the eggs before they hatch?  Do they hatch out regular geese, or golden geese who in turn lay regular eggs that become regular geese that lay golden eggs, or what?  Couldn't you just wait from them to hatch, shoo the goslings away and simply take the shell without the moral conundrum?

And you know, when you think about it, golden eggs aren't that crazy an idea.  Gold is a soft malleable metal (assuming the geese in question have some sort of natural resistance to the toxicity of having it in their fallopian tubes)  It would probably actually be easier to break out of a golden egg than a regular calcium carbonate one.

*** If that princess is asleep for more than 72 hours the prince can spare himself the effort of picking through the thorny hedge to get to her.  Unless of course ye goode olde people of the kingdom thought to hook her up to ye olde IV drip.  Because otherwise she's pretty much going to be dead of dehydration by the time prince what's-his-face gets there.

*** Wouldn't it have been safer and more task oriented for Snow White to just give herself some sort of facial disfigurement?  I mean - she never seemed to give much of a shit about being the fairest in the land, all she wanted was to hang out at home with her father.  One good third degree burn to the cheek and she's home and dry and her step mother's staggering self image issues are somebody else's problem.  

***  Seriously?  They danced all night long and the only thing he noticed was her shoes?   Even if we go out on a limb and accept that she was wearing a paper bag over her head or something, I guessing all the Prince was going to need was one look at her rack before hew says 'yep, those are them!', because you know damn well he noticed them long before he saw the shoe. 

***  How does grandmother feed herself normally?  Being sick one day causes such a food shortage that they need to send a little girl through wolf infested woods just so she has a meal?  For Christ sake, just have her come stay with you until she's feeling better you selfish prick.  Unless... maybe Grandmother's house was out there because that's where her food was.... Was Granny perhaps fond of wolf-kabobs?  The wolf's targeting of her family always felt a little personal to me...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg people.  Trust me, if they had the internet in 1850 you would have heard nothing but 'Jacob Grimm raped my childhoode with his shoddy storietelling' and things like that.

Not all progress is a good idea, people.

Vizsla out.

Thursday, June 13, 2013

Hey There, Water. You're awesome.

If you were to ask me to name me three favorite beverages, I would probably have to go with Water, Pudding, and Greg Kinnear

Because I have a tenuous grasp on the states of matter and am very easily distracted.  And hey, wasn't Baby Mama a good movie?*

*Said no one, ever.

CAUTION: Do NOT combine these three.
He never stops calling.

 But seriously.  Water is Awesome.  Not only can you drink it, you can also play in it.  Often at the same time, although sometimes that end up with your getting yelled at for soaking the kitchen floor for reasons that I do not entirely understand.*

*Also it is apparently not OK to jump out of the canoe in the middle of a lake, no matter how much the ducks are asking for it.  I know; I don't understand either.

Another great thing about water is that it's a universal solvent, which means that it will eventually erode pretty much anything.  (although you probably won't want to hang around waiting for it to finish doing so)  this leads to water doing things like -


Suck it, Kinnear.

Tuesday, June 11, 2013

I don't care what Siouxsie Says

Welcome, Ireland!

As the keen observers among you will have gathered, We received our first page-view in Ireland overnight.   Which means that this is as good a time as any to apologize again for the Leprechaun post the other day.

Another thing that deserves a mention while we're specifically discussing Ireland - I'm becoming increasingly concerned with the mounting evidence that America is losing it's grips on the specifics of Banshee lore.

For the uninitiated - A Banshee is a female spirit* that appears to someone as a sign that they are about to die.  More specifically, if you hear the Banshee's scream it means you should avoid making any long term plans.  It's like Final Destination without the increasingly disappointing sequels.

*Yes, they are always female, I don't care what the X-Men say.  Although I quite like the character and - hey - why the hell aren't any of the Movie X-Men allowed to be not American?  How can you have a character named Banshee who isn't Irish?  They did the same thing with Colossus in X2, and he's clearly A: the most awesome X-man ever and B: Russian.  It's about standards people.  Get it together, Bryan Singer.

So- just to boil it down - the relevant thing that Banshees do?  They Scream.  That's their focus-area.  Hell, even the inexplicably American Movie X-Man got that detail right, even if he did let the forces of accuracy down slightly by having a penis.

<You can tell that he's Irish because of the long clay pipe.>
<No, that was not a reference to... oh get your minds out of the gutter.  Honestly.>

Which is all a way of me leading up to saying - The Expression is 'Scream(ed) like a Banshee'  e.g. 'Man, when I hit myself in the junk with that sledgehammer I screamed like a banshee.  And now I can't father children.'

Which is why I'm growing increasingly distressed at the sheer number of other activities I've heard described as being Banshee-like.  And not just from one person either.  If that was the case the problem would be easily solved by either explaining to them what banshees actually do, or smothering them with a pillow while they slept. (Depending on mood)  No, I've heard from a depressing variety of people things like 'Man, I slept like a Banshee', or 'Boy, she talked like a banshee' (so painfully close to right) or most disturbingly 'Boy, I am sweating like a banshee in here.'


In your mind, the most notable thing that Banshee's do is sweat, is that the case?  If you smell the Banshee's BO, it means your doom is at hand, is that it, Miss Thang of Shalotte?

So let's as a people be clear on this.  The Banshee is not your all-verbs, all the time go to monster. 

They Scream, People.  That's all they do.

Well, that and provide back up for Siouxsie Sioux in the 80s and 90s.

I mean, check out the video for Peek-a-boo

Monday, June 10, 2013

What the Hell is going on with the nickles?

Back in 1998, the US Government had what seemed at the time like a cute and fairly non-threatening idea to start changing what was on the back of the Quarters

*A Note for non-US readers (And Hello, Morocco, btw!) The US Dollar still exists almost exclusively in paper form because we as a people have politely told the US mint to go f*** itself every time they've tried to point out that lots of countries make do with a coin for such things just fine.  The dollar itself can be broken down into denominations of Quarters (25 cents), Dimes (10 cents), Nickles (5 cents) and Pennies (worthless, except for chucking at people and hearing the elderly go on about how you could once use them to buy gum)

** Yes, they were called nickles because that was originally the metal used to strike them.  Vizlsa = Knowledge, as ever.

Anyhow - these coins had existed with more of less the same images since Jesus was a boy (ok, not exactly true, but they were exactly the same for a long time.)

Then in 1998 the government said - Hey, let's start issuing some variations on the design on the back of the quarter in hopes of conning some kids into collecting coins and thus accidentally saving money - as unAmerican as that concept is.

And so they issued 5 new quarters a year, for 10 years, one new design for each state of the union released in the order that they became a state.  And it was pleasant enough and many of us collected the whole set because at a pace of 5 each year that is not a particularly onerous task.*

*Some folk did go ALL out and collect one example from each of the two mints that issue US coins.  There are only two major mints that issue US Coins, btw.  A letter under the year on the coin indicates at which mint it was struck.  V=K

And that was all well and good and at the end of ten years it was widely thought that that was probably enough of that sort of thing.

Oh no, said the treasury.  And being out of states they issued Quarters for each of the protectorates.  And we sort of nodded and accepted that, because we've always had a sort of grudging respect for Puerto Rico if only for the rum.

And then they started doing landmarks.  And we looked on with mild disapproval.

And then they started doing notable events.  And everybody stopped paying attention all together and just went back to using debit cards.

And then they started doing it to nickles.  Except they'd already used everything they could think of on the quarter, so they were left with great events along the lines of 'Slightly different angle of Jefferson's face', 'Nathan Hale having a difficult bowel movement' and 'Ayn Rand castrates her first yearling'.

And by this point, because nobody paid any attention to nickles even when we were pretending to care about coinage, they're pretty much just allowed to run whatever crap they think of.  All of which will only end when they inevitably begin their 'Commemorative Wangs of the Founding Fathers series', and we'll have no one to blame but ourselves.

But I think you'll be pleasantly surprised by Jefferson

Like so many were at the time.

Sunday, June 9, 2013

Eine wichtige Anzeige!

Das Vizlsa tut nicht Blog am Sonntag

das ist alles 

Stift meiner Tante ist auf Tabelle meines Onkels.

Saturday, June 8, 2013

Well it's too late to start listening to Ray Bradbury's warnings now

A good while back I had an audio recording of Ray Bradbury's The Illustrated Man.

For those who've never inflicted Ray Bradbury on themselves (and I have to mention that if it's a choice between that and going back to cutting yourself, skip the middle steps and just proceed directly to the store for razor blades) this is essentially a collection of short stories held together by the framing device of a man whose entire body is covered in tattoos.

Vizsa, I hear you asking yourself.  What's this 'framing device' thing you speak of?  Please take this opportunity to show off with your fancy schmancy literary theory bullshit.

Well if you insist...

A framing device is the pieces of linking story that take you from one story to the next, hopefully giving an excuse for why these stories are being told as a collection.  The best example is that of the Crypt Keeper from the TV show Tales of the Crypt. What the framing device does is set up a brief introduction to the story, then you go to the story itself, then you go back to the framing device for a little summary moment and then on to the next story.

Another contemporary example would be the bus stop bench scenes in the film Forrest Gump, where he's telling parts of his life story to different people waiting on the bench with him.  Which means that those people are actually much luckier than the audience watching the film in that they only have to hear a short excerpt of that piece of shit movie.  As opposed to the rest of us who could only survive to the end by fantasizing about everyone involved with the film being savagely beaten to death with a VHS* copy.

Well... possibly not Gary Sinese...

*V/H/S - as a curious coincidence - is another film that employs a framing device - and apparently the sequel (the creatively titled V/H/S 2) is somewhat surprisingly not crap.

So as I was saying- In The Illustrated Man the narrator meets a guy whose entire body is covered in tattoos.  In this case, each tattoo comes to life and tells a story, in contrast to most tattoos in the real world which pretty much just remind us why we stopped drinking so much after college.  So- Guy talks to Tattoo Guy, Story, Guy talks to tattoo guy, story. Lather, Rinse, Repeat.

What I'm really getting at here is - Vizslas don't really get tattoos. But maybe that's a 'Hey, I'm covered in fur' thing.

Friday, June 7, 2013

A very manly discussion of Rainbows. In SAT Testing format.

Do not turn over the booklet in front of you until the test administrator tells you to begin.

Remember to fill in your dots completely, Only use a number two pencil.  And wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident.

Are you sitting comfortably?

Then we'll begin

1:  We are discussing Rainbows today because:

     A: It's June, they're kind of the thing right now
     B: We already discussed Unicorns, Bronies and Leprechauns.  It was inevitable.
     C: You totally forgot to mention them yesterday and are now getting back to it
     D: Someone has a gun to your head and I should probably be helping you instead of reading this   extraordinarily self aware column

The correct answer is - C

In fact, the whole pot of gold at the end of the rainbow thing is why I started writing yesterday's column in the first place.  Unfortunately, the first hobby on the list was 'Drink' and the accompanying picture of whiskey had a curiously suggestive quality to it.  Anyway, one thing led to another and I'm pretty sure Ann B. Davis and I are married now.

2:  Rainbow's come from a unicorn's:

     A: Muzzle
     B: Anus
     C: Sucking chest wound
     D: All of the above

The correct answer is  - B

I know, All of the above is usually a safe bet.  However, as everyone knows, Unicorns bleed glitter, and there's nothing particular about a unicorn's breath other than a slight delightful minty freshness.  It's not a particularly original observation, but they do in fact fart rainbows.  You still don't want to muck out the unicorn stalls however.  We think rainbows are pretty because we never get close enough to smell them.

3:  There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because:

     A: Leprechauns suck at hiding things
     B: If you actually manage to transcend the laws of physics and reach the 'end' of a perceptual effect of light refraction you should be able to treat yourself to a little something
     C: While the rainbow is the symbol of god's promise to not flood us again, the pot of gold is reparations for the psychological damage inflicted by the last time he did.  He also had to do 80 hours of community service picking up trash on the side of the highway
     D:  All of the above

The correct answer is - D

See, the world makes sense again.

4: True or false - You are driving your 92 year old prim n' proper Aunt Trudy to a church social when you pass a house with a rainbow flag and Aunt Trudy is confused and asks what it means.  You should explain in detail what the implications of that flag are vis-a-vis the occupants bedroom activity. 

The correct answer is - False

Look, this is Aunt Trudy, man.  You're not going to change the world by having an awkward conversation with her about what Joe Prideflag is into.  All the woman wants is to go sit with other 92 year old women and exchange photos of their great grandchildren.  For the sake of all involved, just tell her he's Irish and move on with your day.

Thursday, June 6, 2013

Popular Leprechaun Hobbies

Despite the fact that they clearly do not exist (see previous column) it's worth looking into what the non-existent leprechauns like to spend all of their time doing, when their not spending it existing.

And so, the Vizsla presents - Every girl and boys primer of things Leprechauns do:
(also available as a pie chart, an interpretive dance, and a tea towel)

I need me hobbies!

1: Drink

<Insert cheap shot about the Irish here.> 

Just kidding Ireland.  You know I love you.

2: Torment Darby O'Gill

For those of you who've never spent Thanksgiving morning nursing a hangover and trying to delay having to go eat with relatives - Darby O'Gill and The Little People is a Sean Connery movie from 1959, notable for the fact that it may be the only Disney movie in which getting someone so hammered that they pass out is a key plot point.  Unless I missed something in Mulan.

3:  Defend their breakfast cereal from underage home invaders.

Seriously.  Lucky has been tolerant enough.  After four decades of constant threatened attack and robbery, I would not blame him one bit if he bludgeoned those malicious little underage breakfast enthusiasts with a sheleighleigh.  It's sort of an Irish wooden walking stick.

4: Embark on a blood drenched spree of dismemberment, savagery, and mayhem.  Also possibly go back 2 da hood. 
I need me gold!

5:  Launch Jennifer Aniston's career

Suck it, Courtney Cox and Bruce Springsteen!