Do not turn over the booklet in front of you until the test administrator tells you to begin.
Remember to fill in your dots completely, Only use a number two pencil. And wear clean underwear in case you're in a car accident.
Are you sitting comfortably?
Then we'll begin
1: We are discussing Rainbows today because:
A: It's June, they're kind of the thing right now
B: We already discussed Unicorns, Bronies and Leprechauns. It was inevitable.
C: You totally forgot to mention them yesterday and are now getting back to it
D: Someone has a gun to your head and I should probably be helping you instead of reading this extraordinarily self aware column
The correct answer is - C
In fact, the whole pot of gold at the end of the rainbow thing is why I started writing yesterday's column in the first place. Unfortunately, the first hobby on the list was 'Drink' and the accompanying picture of whiskey had a curiously suggestive quality to it. Anyway, one thing led to another and I'm pretty sure Ann B. Davis and I are married now.
2: Rainbow's come from a unicorn's:
C: Sucking chest wound
D: All of the above
The correct answer is - B
I know, All of the above is usually a safe bet. However, as everyone knows, Unicorns bleed glitter, and there's nothing particular about a unicorn's breath other than a slight delightful minty freshness. It's not a particularly original observation, but they do in fact fart rainbows. You still don't want to muck out the unicorn stalls however. We think rainbows are pretty because we never get close enough to smell them.
3: There is a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow because:
A: Leprechauns suck at hiding things
B: If you actually manage to transcend the laws of physics and reach the 'end' of a perceptual effect of light refraction you should be able to treat yourself to a little something
C: While the rainbow is the symbol of god's promise to not flood us again, the pot of gold is reparations for the psychological damage inflicted by the last time he did. He also had to do 80 hours of community service picking up trash on the side of the highway
D: All of the above
The correct answer is - D
See, the world makes sense again.
4: True or false - You are driving your 92 year old prim n' proper Aunt Trudy to a church social when you pass a house with a rainbow flag and Aunt Trudy is confused and asks what it means. You should explain in detail what the implications of that flag are vis-a-vis the occupants bedroom activity.
The correct answer is - False
Look, this is Aunt Trudy, man. You're not going to change the world by having an awkward conversation with her about what Joe Prideflag is into. All the woman wants is to go sit with other 92 year old women and exchange photos of their great grandchildren. For the sake of all involved, just tell her he's Irish and move on with your day.