As mentioned, Sunday's are going to reposts of earlier barely viewed columns.
Happy Sunday - And a very Happy Father's Day to those who are in countries that celebrate such things
First published 3-31-13
Let me start by just giving a quick shout out to Jesse Eisenberg - Loved Zombieland. Sorry about Cursed.
OK, that out of the way, let me get on to the topic of the day-
Now as many of you know, I'm the smallest of four dogs at home, so I
know a little bit about social networking. For example, it is
apparently wrong to pee on the Border Collie's head. I know. We were
all surprised. Being the warmhearted and generous sports breed that I
am, I'd like to pass on some of my wisdom to the good folks at Facebook.
THINGS A VIZSLA WOULD LIKE TO CHANGE ABOUT FACEBOOK:
I'm talking about the whole 'friending' process here. (and when did
that become a legitimate verb, by the way? The same with 'like' when
did 'like' become a verb? except of course for always, since it
actually IS a verb, but you know what I mean, right?) Anyhow, my point
actually is that not all friends are created equal. My feelings vary
quite a bit between, say, Daddy (who brings me food, and plays pull the
rope (though not as often as I might like)) and - to take a random
example - Catherine Deneuve (who has to date never played pull the rope
with me, but WAS in The Hunger, which has to be worth something.)
So, should both Daddy and Catherine Deneuve send me Friend Requests on
the same day, how am I to indicate the relative depth of feeling in my
acceptance of said friend requests? (note to self... check on Catherine
Deneuve's Facebook status...)
So what I'm thinking is that upon receipt of a Friend Request, it should
be possible to assign a level of friendship to that person, commiserate
to the level of ones feelings.
Now I know that the good people at Facebook are far too busy rolling
naked in piles of money and eating pudding to put such a scale together,
and so I've done the work for them. Feel free to send snausages in
THE VIZSLA FACEBOOK FRIEND SCALE:
Friend Level 10- You are like unto a god to me. I love you more than beef flavored Carvers.
FL9 - You are awesome. You may totally have a Kidney.
FL8 - When I see you, I get so excited I do circles. And sometimes pee a little.
FL7 - I will help you move, as long as it is within a 50 mile radius of your current dwelling place
FL6 - You're pretty cool. I will certainly go with you to the barn dance.
FL5 - I like you, but I don't care about your farmville status.
FL4 - We should totally hang out more. Totally. Why don't we hang out
more. I am totally going to call you after...oooo, look! Shiny!
FL3 - If I encounter you in a social situation I will almost certainly
return your guardedly friendly greeting and then stand near you in
FL2 - I'm really just curious to look at your photos to see if you have gotten fat/bald since high school
FL1 - If I say yes to this will you stop calling me?
And on the flip side (not currently an option, but SO should be) Why is
it that discreetly ignoring a request is currently the only way
available to let that special someone know that you hate them? Allow me
to present - The ANTI-FRIEND levels-
FL -1 I probably wouldn't cross the road to avoid you, but I WOULD hide behind a newspaper.
FL -2 I definitely would cross the road to avoid you
FL -3 I would not cross the road to pee on you if you were on fire
FL -4 I am waiting for YOU to cross the road so I can run you down with my car
FL -5 thinnnnnnnerrrrrr........
And the nuclear option - The Facebook Nemesis button. Must be agreed
by mutual consent between parties. Only one Nemesis allowed at a time.
I'll have to continue this one, as it is now time for me to chase a bunny. Until then, keep scratching those bellies.