We here at the 42nd Vizsla could not be more thrilled with having scored the opportunity at sitting down with Imaginary Fairuza Balk for a candid talk about her past roles and future career decisions that is in no way marred by the fact that she isn't actually here.
VIZSLA: Hello Imaginary Fairuza Balk. Thanks so much for agreeing to take some time to sit down with me for a little chat that's taking place entirely in my head today
IMAGINARY FAIRUZA BALK: Sure. No problem. S'up.
V: Well, first of all let me just jump directly to the big issue. Would you like to rub my belly?
IFB: I was totally hoping you'd ask.
V: That's one of the perks of being a dog in these interviews is that you can totally get away with asking that.
IFB: You know, that's really true. When Matt Lauer asked me to it was creepy, but this feels right.
V: Is it true that when you scratch Lauer's belly in just the right place his leg starts going?
IFB: I'm actually not legally allowed to talk about it. Sorry.
V: AH. Sorry. I'll move on. So, I have to tell you - The Craft is one of my favorite movies. I watch it every Halloween
IFB: Thanks. I'm pretty proud of that one.
V: I've often thought how that Goth/Victorian dress style really works for you.
IFB: That's nice of you to say.
V: If you got into a knife fight with Siouxsie Sioux, who would win?
IFB: Present day Siouxsie Sioux, or Peepshow era Siouxsie Sioux?
V: Present day.
IFB: I would totally smoke her.
V: And Peepshow Era?
IFB: Well, I'd still win, but I'd have to fight dirtier. You'd probably have to go back to Standing-Behind-Johnny-Rotton-While-The-Sex-Pistols-are-Interviewed-on-BBC era Siouxsie Sioux before she stands a serious chance.
V: It sounds like you've thought about this a lot
IFB: I'm not actually even here right now.
V: Right. So, moving on. Return to Oz- What was it like taking over the role of Dorothy Gale for the Wizard of Oz sequel. Did you get any advice from Judy Garland?
IFB: Um... I'm pretty sure she was dead at the time.
V: So.. no then?
V: That's disappointing.
IFB: Not particularly.
V: So I understand that your first name is Persian for 'Turquoise"
IFB: So Wikipedia informs me.
V: Is Persian even a language?
IFB: Not technically, no. It's actually called Farsi.
V: So you're saying that something on Wikipedia is inaccurate?