Sunday, March 31, 2013

Other People who are, upon consideration, probably not the Anti-Christ

Hello and Happy Easter

This being the day it is (Easter, for those with a limited short-term attention span and if you do I am hardly in any position to judge because hey look, isn't that a squeeky toy??...  Where was I now?)

Ah, right.

This being the day it is (Easter) and having just noted a previous blog post in which I put forward the relatively non-threatening theory that people who merge into traffic in a way you disagree with are probably not the Anti-Christ, I felt compelled to expand that thought and touch on a few other people who are also probably not the son of satan come to bring the end times upon us however much it seems like that sometimes.

So, in no particular order-  People who are - on reflection - probably not the anti-christ

1:  People who hold different political opinions

Sure, they SEEM like evil incarnate - I mean, they disagree with you and everything.  But honestly, If you look at it from a rational Vizsla perspective, it's just possible that rational adults can reach different conclusions based on equally valid reasoning.

I know, CRAZY, right?

I mean, take for example the other day.  I was quite interested in pursuing my own 'sniff things along the fence and bark occasionally' agenda - (A long held principal of the Conservative party as it happens.)  Whereas my longtime friend and companion, the Sheltie known as 'Bear', was much more interested in his 'stand in front of me and block my progress so that I am inevitably forced to go the direction HE wants me to go' agenda.  (Also, by coincidence, a long held principle of the Conservative party.)

Does this mean that Bear is the Anti-Christ?  No.  It simply means that every once in a while it is necessary to urinate on his head so that he remembers his place.  ( a long held principle of BOTH parties)

That said, no matter how we disagree on back yard policy, at the end of the day we still spoon.

Apply this philosophy to Nancy Pelosi and Mitch McConnell and shiver a little inside...

2: Bunnies

Really.  What's with all the carrots?  What do they need such good eyesight for?

But still, merely an irritant, what with them always leaving their little jackets hung up on the carrot patch fence.  But still not actively bringing about Armageddon.

3: Michelle Bachmann

I know.  I know.  It really FEELS like it.  But I have to believe that whatever your theological underpining you couldn't seriously believe that the final bastion of all evil would so frequently say things that look so batshit crazy as to completely undermine her effectiveness.

Simply put - Evil is more competent than this.

4: The guy who cancelled Firefly

Actually, a solid argument could be made on this one...

5: Wil Wheaton

Unless you are Sheldon, Will Wheaton is, simply put, kind of Awesome.  He's who Felicia Day would be if she had boy-parts.  I challenge anyone to listen to the story of his first meeting with William Shatner (google Wil Wheaton Paul and Storm Shatner - easy to find) and not come down on the side of 'I'm sorry you were so irritating as Westley Crusher, we're totally cool now.'

And on a related note, when did Betty White and Neil Patrick Harris become the prom king and queen of dork-chic-awesome?  And will someone please make t-shirts that say that?

-Vizsla out

Satin, I cast thee out!

(First Published elsewhere in August of 2010)

Now, I don't like to draw a lot of hardcore immutable lines in the sand, but I do know one thing.  If at any point during your argument you feel the need to declare that the opposing viewpoint is, and I'm quoting forum online discussion boards here, 'The work of Satin', then I'm afraid you have nothing valid to add to the argument.

Or, for that matter, the gene pool.  And yet who get's neutered?   Not that I hold a grudge.

I'm of course not going to deny that satin is, undoubtedly the most sinfully shiny and drape-able of fabrics.  I'm sure it's led many a young prom night couple into shady dealings. 

But I'm also reasonably sure that it carries very little voice in the sphere of national politics.

What I'm trying to say is:  If you're looking for fabrics that have something to answer for you clearly need to start with velour.  I mean, honestly, what's more destructive to society - letting same sex couples marry, or a fabric that you can't wash, unravels at the merest suggestion that you might be interested in packing it in a suitcase, and yet STILL cannot manage to breathe properly.

And why is Satin getting all the blame-slash-credit for upsetting the bible belt while Lame (must learn how to put french accent-ague on keyboard, but you know the shiny bolt of lustful temptation to which I refer) gets off scott free?  Sure, there are some tradeoffs.  As a wise man once said, the evil ones cant get away with Lame.  It gets camp.  But does that excuse it for taking no blame whatsoever while poor satin plays the patsy?

And what of corduroy?  Who amongst us has not felt the frictional shame of cord-crotch?  Well, not me of course in that I have never worn pants, but I still feel your pain- And I'm talking to you, Mr. 12-year-old-in-1978-at-the-middle-school-winter-dance.  But take heart- Empire Strikes Back comes out in three years, it'll make all the pain go away.

So I say, 'Go, Satin, go!'  Embrace your immutable 'you'-ness.  Because where the hardcore evangelicals see shiny and sinful, I see shimmery fabulousness.

Praise Satin!  And all it's prom related works!

Vizlaws of the Highway

Another from the vault-

(Originally published elsewhere September 2010)

Now, a lot of the time when I bring up things that really should be common knowledge about driving etiquette people tend to give me responses along the lines of, ‘Holy crap that dog is talking’, or ‘Them some pretty big words for somebody that licks themselves in public’.

I’m going to skate right past these, pausing only briefly to point out that while the second one might be true it’s hardly helpful to the discussion.

And so let’s take a moment to discuss –


1:  Left lane fast.  Right lane slow.

I’m hardly the first one to point this out, but it seems to not have sunk in for the majority of the population.  Let’s break it down to it’s simplest application -  If you are going the exact same speed as the person in the right lane, you should BE IN THE FRICKIN’ RIGHT LANE.  At least for long enough for that nice driver immediately behind you to go past.  Because you know how he (or she)’s about three inches from your bumper?  That’s because you are in their way.  And they hate you.

Which leads to a corollary of the first rule:

1a:  You are not the freeway hall monitor. 

It’s not up to you to prevent speeding.  Or tailgating.  Or merging in from the onramp at a point that you personally disapprove of for ideological reasons.  At no point should you wedge your ass in the left lane at 5 miles below the speed limit just to show all those bad people that you can stop them from speeding like you were Batman of the interstate.  If you do this, they are allowed to ram you off the road like you were the little 8-bit motorcycle in Spy Hunter, seriously.  Wave a reproving finger as they pass if it makes your self-satisfied little self feel better, but under no circumstances are you entitled to try to enforce traffic code.  Unless you’re a state patrolman (patrol-person?  Patrol-attendant?  Deputy?)  If you are actually a POST licensed officer on duty, then you actually ARE the Freeway Hall Monitor, and corollary 1a does not apply to you.  In fact, none of these do.  Neither does the law of diminishing returns, gravity, averages, and my but have you lost weight because you look fabulous.

2: If you drive in such a way as to deliberately be in someone else’s way, you are an asshole.

Yes, I’m looking at you Mr Tap-on-the-brakes-to get-that-car-to-back-off-rather-than-get-the-hell-out-of-their-way.  Sure, there’s plenty of times where Mr. Tailgater is the asshole in today’s story.  And plenty of times where it’s not actually safely or even physically possible to move out of your lane to let someone past or slow down/speed up to allow someone to merge in.  But when you’re going 5 miles below the speed limit in the left lane while people are moving to the right lane to get around you…  We have identified the asshole, and it is you.

3:  Your skill as a driver is in direct inverse proportion to the number of religious bumper stickers that you have on your car.

Same goes for political ones, politics being essentially indistinguishable from religion these days anyway.  (‘I’m right because I’m obviously right, therefore anyone who thinks differently is clearly stupid and wrong’)

Oh, and doubly so for political bumper stickers regarding elections that occurred in previous decades. (Exemption provided for VW Minivans.)

4:  There is room for legitimate difference of opinion as to where in the acceleration lane it is appropriate to merge into traffic.  If someone merges at a spot that you feel to be inappropriate, they probably have a difference of opinion with you but are most likely NOT the antichrist.

That said, let’s observe that the word ‘Acceleration’ is actually RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME OF THE LANE.  If you’re braking to a lower speed than the flow of traffic while on this lane you are no longer allowed to drive on the freeway.  Ever.

5:  If you’re not capable of driving in the snow, you should not be out driving in the snow.

Ditto rain.  And sleet.  And dark of night.  In fact, avoid the postal service altogether.

That’s all for now, It’s vitally important that I go roll on my back in the living room and make noises like a yeti at this point in the evening.

Until next week –


That Social Network

A reprint from the 1st attempt at Vizsla blogging - Pardon the dated references

Let me start by just giving a quick shout out to Jesse Eisenberg - Loved Zombieland.  Sorry about Cursed.

OK, that out of the way, let me get on to the topic of the day-

Now as many of you know, I'm the smallest of four dogs at home, so I know a little bit about social networking.  For example, it is apparently wrong to pee on the Border Collie's head.  I know.  We were all surprised.  Being the warmhearted and generous sports breed that I am, I'd like to pass on some of my wisdom to the good folks at Facebook.


1:  Specificity-

I'm talking about the whole 'friending' process here.  (and when did that become a legitimate verb, by the way?  The same with 'like'  when did 'like' become a verb?  except of course for always, since it actually IS a verb, but you know what I mean, right?)  Anyhow, my point actually is that not all friends are created equal.  My feelings vary quite a bit between, say, Daddy (who brings me food, and plays pull the rope (though not as often as I might like)) and - to take a random example - Catherine Deneuve (who has to date never played pull the rope with me, but WAS in The Hunger, which has to be worth something.)

So, should both Daddy and Catherine Deneuve send me Friend Requests on the same day, how am I to indicate the relative depth of feeling in my acceptance of said friend requests?  (note to self... check on Catherine Deneuve's Facebook status...)

So what I'm thinking is that upon receipt of a Friend Request, it should be possible to assign a level of friendship to that person, commiserate to the level of ones feelings.

Now I know that the good people at Facebook are far too busy rolling naked in piles of money and eating pudding to put such a scale together, and so I've done the work for them.  Feel free to send snausages in thanks.


Friend Level 10-  You are like unto a god to me.  I love you more than beef flavored Carvers.

FL9 - You are awesome.  You may totally have a Kidney.

FL8 - When I see you, I get so excited I do circles.  And sometimes pee a little.

FL7 - I will help you move, as long as it is within a 50 mile radius of your current dwelling place

FL6 - You're pretty cool.  I will certainly go with you to the barn dance.

FL5 - I like you, but I don't care about your farmville status.

FL4 - We should totally hang out more.  Totally.  Why don't we hang out more.  I am totally going to call you after...oooo, look!  Shiny!

FL3 - If I encounter you in a social situation I will almost certainly return your guardedly friendly greeting and then stand near you in silence.

FL2 - I'm really just curious to look at your photos to see if you have gotten fat/bald since high school

FL1 - If I say yes to this will you stop calling me?

And on the flip side (not currently an option, but SO should be)  Why is it that discreetly ignoring a request is currently the only way available to let that special someone know that you hate them?  Allow me to present - The ANTI-FRIEND levels-

FL -1 I probably wouldn't cross the road to avoid you, but I WOULD hide behind a newspaper.

FL -2 I definitely would cross the road to avoid you

FL -3 I would not cross the road to pee on you if you were on fire

FL -4 I am waiting for YOU to cross the road so I can run you down with my car

FL -5 thinnnnnnnerrrrrr........

And the nuclear option -  The Facebook Nemesis button.  Must be agreed by mutual consent between parties.  Only one Nemesis allowed at a time.

I'll have to continue this one, as it is now time for me to chase a bunny.  Until then, keep scratching those bellies.

Introductions and Yeti Noises

Hello to all and sundry

Especially sundry.  Sundry is awesome.  I'm not sure what it means, but I think it has something to do with bacon.

As you can see from the snazzy photo, I'm a large brown dog, and this is my blog.  Those were separate statements of fact and not an attempt to rhyme.

Hey look, there are birds outside!

Sorry, where was I...

Right, introductions.

My name is Willum and I am the smallest of fours dogs who live together.  I've put this blog together because quite frankly there are a lot of issues that desperately need to have the Vizsla perspective applied to them. If only to balance the startling rise of Sheltie and Border Collie viewpoint that one sees in today's media.  Seriously, am I the only one that sees the shocking herding-breed bias?

Apparently there were already apparently 41 Vizslas registered here.  Actually, probably 42 since the first one wouldn't have had a number and the next would have been the number '1'.  See- this is why no one knew when the Millenium actually was, which is probably why the world failed to end properly at that time.

The failures of the Mayans remain, as always, their own.

And with that, we hit nap time.  So, welcome to all and Bacon.  Sit down and take a load off, look out for the Border Healer.