Hakuna Matata, Asshole

I doubt that I'm alone in indulging in the occasional bit of freeway Schadenfreude*.

*On the off chance - it means 'The delight you take in witnessing something bad happen to someone else.  The fact that the German people felt the need to coin a term for this specific emotion probably says a lot about them, culturally.**

** I kid, Germany. You know I love you

Case in point, the other day I was merging onto one freeway from a different freeway when I witnessed a driver ahead of me stage an act of open defiance against the Zipper Merge*

*A curiously heated point of contention in American Freeway etiquette. The basic premise is that when merging onto a freeway there is usually a special lane of traffic on the side from which you're entering** which goes for half a mile or so before it tapers off and ceases existing, at which point you're expected to have become part of existing traffic. The question that really gets people worked up is - at what point during that half mile should you get your act together and actually merge into the existing traffic lane. One school of thought is that you should immediately merge into the permanent lane as soon as physically possible, as waiting until the last minute means that you're rude and inconsiderate. 

That school of thought is, of course, completely 100% wrong.

The correct school of thought is that you're intended to go all the way up the half mile of side road and then take turns with the existing traffic, alternating from either lane - exactly the way a zipper closes. You can tell that this is the correct school of thought, because THE FREEWAY DEPARTMENT FREAKING FLAT OUT SAID SO.  REPEATEDLY.  The point being that they made the entire half mile stretch of road because they actually wanted you to use the entire half mile stretch. If they wanted you to only use 50 feet they would only have made that much.

Regardless of that clear and obvious truth however, almost without fail you'll encounter some asshat who feels like it's his personal mission in life to deliberately block other cars from merging into traffic, zipper-style, and the principle that they know best.

**It's called an acceleration lane.  This might be considered a clue as to why stopping in the middle of it is just bone-headedly wrong.

So the other day I witnessed a pickup truck go out of his way to run someone off the road rather than let them merge into existing traffic, only to have the exact same thing happen to him when he had to merge into the next lane of traffic a mile or so later.

I immediately thought to myself, 'Hakuna Matata, Asshole', because at some point the details of the Lion King became vague enough in my head that Hakuna Matata sort of means 'Circle of Life' to me, regardless of the fact that it's a totally unrelated song and means nothing of the sort*

*You totally just hummed, 'It means No Worries', didn't you.

Fast forward to the following day, when I observed in the parking ramp a smaller car parked completely centered between two parking spots.*

*More on this vehicle another time, because the story doesn't end there

Upon my return to the parking ramp, I was somewhat pleased to see that the ramp management had left a stern note on their windshield castigating them for parking over the lines and threatening to have them towed if it happened again.  No sooner had I begun to bask in my righteous pleasure at seeing them justly struck down than I got to Lucille (My truck) and discovered that I had received the exact same note. On inspection it turned out that I was, indeed, about half a foot over the line on the passenger side (Lucille's a big girl).

Stupid Circle of Life.

Vizlaws of the Highway

Another from the vault-

(Originally published elsewhere September 2010)

Now, a lot of the time when I bring up things that really should be common knowledge about driving etiquette people tend to give me responses along the lines of, ‘Holy crap that dog is talking’, or ‘Them some pretty big words for somebody that licks themselves in public’.

I’m going to skate right past these, pausing only briefly to point out that while the second one might be true it’s hardly helpful to the discussion.

And so let’s take a moment to discuss –

COMMON SENSE RULES OF DRIVING ABOUT WHICH VIZSLAS KNOW AND MOST HUMANS APPARENTLY DO NOT:

1:  Left lane fast.  Right lane slow.

I’m hardly the first one to point this out, but it seems to not have sunk in for the majority of the population.  Let’s break it down to it’s simplest application -  If you are going the exact same speed as the person in the right lane, you should BE IN THE FRICKIN’ RIGHT LANE.  At least for long enough for that nice driver immediately behind you to go past.  Because you know how he (or she)’s about three inches from your bumper?  That’s because you are in their way.  And they hate you.

Which leads to a corollary of the first rule:

1a:  You are not the freeway hall monitor. 

It’s not up to you to prevent speeding.  Or tailgating.  Or merging in from the onramp at a point that you personally disapprove of for ideological reasons.  At no point should you wedge your ass in the left lane at 5 miles below the speed limit just to show all those bad people that you can stop them from speeding like you were Batman of the interstate.  If you do this, they are allowed to ram you off the road like you were the little 8-bit motorcycle in Spy Hunter, seriously.  Wave a reproving finger as they pass if it makes your self-satisfied little self feel better, but under no circumstances are you entitled to try to enforce traffic code.  Unless you’re a state patrolman (patrol-person?  Patrol-attendant?  Deputy?)  If you are actually a POST licensed officer on duty, then you actually ARE the Freeway Hall Monitor, and corollary 1a does not apply to you.  In fact, none of these do.  Neither does the law of diminishing returns, gravity, averages, and my but have you lost weight because you look fabulous.

2: If you drive in such a way as to deliberately be in someone else’s way, you are an asshole.

Yes, I’m looking at you Mr Tap-on-the-brakes-to get-that-car-to-back-off-rather-than-get-the-hell-out-of-their-way.  Sure, there’s plenty of times where Mr. Tailgater is the asshole in today’s story.  And plenty of times where it’s not actually safely or even physically possible to move out of your lane to let someone past or slow down/speed up to allow someone to merge in.  But when you’re going 5 miles below the speed limit in the left lane while people are moving to the right lane to get around you…  We have identified the asshole, and it is you.

3:  Your skill as a driver is in direct inverse proportion to the number of religious bumper stickers that you have on your car.

Same goes for political ones, politics being essentially indistinguishable from religion these days anyway.  (‘I’m right because I’m obviously right, therefore anyone who thinks differently is clearly stupid and wrong’)

Oh, and doubly so for political bumper stickers regarding elections that occurred in previous decades. (Exemption provided for VW Minivans.)

4:  There is room for legitimate difference of opinion as to where in the acceleration lane it is appropriate to merge into traffic.  If someone merges at a spot that you feel to be inappropriate, they probably have a difference of opinion with you but are most likely NOT the antichrist.

That said, let’s observe that the word ‘Acceleration’ is actually RIGHT THERE IN THE NAME OF THE LANE.  If you’re braking to a lower speed than the flow of traffic while on this lane you are no longer allowed to drive on the freeway.  Ever.

5:  If you’re not capable of driving in the snow, you should not be out driving in the snow.

Ditto rain.  And sleet.  And dark of night.  In fact, avoid the postal service altogether.

That’s all for now, It’s vitally important that I go roll on my back in the living room and make noises like a yeti at this point in the evening.

Until next week –

Willum