Sunday, March 31, 2013

That Social Network

A reprint from the 1st attempt at Vizsla blogging - Pardon the dated references

Let me start by just giving a quick shout out to Jesse Eisenberg - Loved Zombieland.  Sorry about Cursed.

OK, that out of the way, let me get on to the topic of the day-

Now as many of you know, I'm the smallest of four dogs at home, so I know a little bit about social networking.  For example, it is apparently wrong to pee on the Border Collie's head.  I know.  We were all surprised.  Being the warmhearted and generous sports breed that I am, I'd like to pass on some of my wisdom to the good folks at Facebook.


1:  Specificity-

I'm talking about the whole 'friending' process here.  (and when did that become a legitimate verb, by the way?  The same with 'like'  when did 'like' become a verb?  except of course for always, since it actually IS a verb, but you know what I mean, right?)  Anyhow, my point actually is that not all friends are created equal.  My feelings vary quite a bit between, say, Daddy (who brings me food, and plays pull the rope (though not as often as I might like)) and - to take a random example - Catherine Deneuve (who has to date never played pull the rope with me, but WAS in The Hunger, which has to be worth something.)

So, should both Daddy and Catherine Deneuve send me Friend Requests on the same day, how am I to indicate the relative depth of feeling in my acceptance of said friend requests?  (note to self... check on Catherine Deneuve's Facebook status...)

So what I'm thinking is that upon receipt of a Friend Request, it should be possible to assign a level of friendship to that person, commiserate to the level of ones feelings.

Now I know that the good people at Facebook are far too busy rolling naked in piles of money and eating pudding to put such a scale together, and so I've done the work for them.  Feel free to send snausages in thanks.


Friend Level 10-  You are like unto a god to me.  I love you more than beef flavored Carvers.

FL9 - You are awesome.  You may totally have a Kidney.

FL8 - When I see you, I get so excited I do circles.  And sometimes pee a little.

FL7 - I will help you move, as long as it is within a 50 mile radius of your current dwelling place

FL6 - You're pretty cool.  I will certainly go with you to the barn dance.

FL5 - I like you, but I don't care about your farmville status.

FL4 - We should totally hang out more.  Totally.  Why don't we hang out more.  I am totally going to call you after...oooo, look!  Shiny!

FL3 - If I encounter you in a social situation I will almost certainly return your guardedly friendly greeting and then stand near you in silence.

FL2 - I'm really just curious to look at your photos to see if you have gotten fat/bald since high school

FL1 - If I say yes to this will you stop calling me?

And on the flip side (not currently an option, but SO should be)  Why is it that discreetly ignoring a request is currently the only way available to let that special someone know that you hate them?  Allow me to present - The ANTI-FRIEND levels-

FL -1 I probably wouldn't cross the road to avoid you, but I WOULD hide behind a newspaper.

FL -2 I definitely would cross the road to avoid you

FL -3 I would not cross the road to pee on you if you were on fire

FL -4 I am waiting for YOU to cross the road so I can run you down with my car

FL -5 thinnnnnnnerrrrrr........

And the nuclear option -  The Facebook Nemesis button.  Must be agreed by mutual consent between parties.  Only one Nemesis allowed at a time.

I'll have to continue this one, as it is now time for me to chase a bunny.  Until then, keep scratching those bellies.

No comments:

Post a Comment