Friday, June 14, 2013

The Brothers Grimm: 'Lost' - 19th Century style

You hear a lot of comment these days, if you're on the internet reading such things and I suppose you probably are since you're here, about all the plot threads that the TV show Lost did or did not get around to answering.  Personally I come down on the side that they at least implied the explanations for pretty much everything*.  Which I personally find to be a lot more satisfying than being spoon-fed specifics as it leaves you with a lot to think about and then insult people anonymously over the internet if they don't agree

*What the Hell was up with all those behavioral research notes that were being shot out of a pneumatic tube onto a grassy field?  Am I the only one still wondering about that?

Seriously guys.  What was the deal with the tube?

That said, while people are quick to complain about Lost's dangling plot threads, you almost never hear anybody complain about the truly ridiculous number of dropped threads, unanswered questions, and curious plot logic found in your average collection of Grimm's Fairy Tales.

To Whit-

***  What the Hell was the guy planning on doing with the magic beans in the first place?  And for that matter why did he want the cow?  Did he eat the cow?  Was he planning on robbing the giants himself, but then that seemed like a lot of work and so he instead thought 'Mmmm.  Tasty Cow.  Much less work.'  Or.... did he know what would happen and was counting on Jack and the Giants taking each other out, leaving the road to treasure open for himself?  Was Jack some sort of elaborate Judas Goat?  

and on the subject

***  If laying golden eggs is an intrinsic part of your life cycle (and we sort of have to assume that it is, because otherwise it's a hell of a strange quirk for evolutionary biology to just throw out there) then exactly how long do you have to cash in the eggs before they hatch?  Do they hatch out regular geese, or golden geese who in turn lay regular eggs that become regular geese that lay golden eggs, or what?  Couldn't you just wait from them to hatch, shoo the goslings away and simply take the shell without the moral conundrum?

And you know, when you think about it, golden eggs aren't that crazy an idea.  Gold is a soft malleable metal (assuming the geese in question have some sort of natural resistance to the toxicity of having it in their fallopian tubes)  It would probably actually be easier to break out of a golden egg than a regular calcium carbonate one.

*** If that princess is asleep for more than 72 hours the prince can spare himself the effort of picking through the thorny hedge to get to her.  Unless of course ye goode olde people of the kingdom thought to hook her up to ye olde IV drip.  Because otherwise she's pretty much going to be dead of dehydration by the time prince what's-his-face gets there.

*** Wouldn't it have been safer and more task oriented for Snow White to just give herself some sort of facial disfigurement?  I mean - she never seemed to give much of a shit about being the fairest in the land, all she wanted was to hang out at home with her father.  One good third degree burn to the cheek and she's home and dry and her step mother's staggering self image issues are somebody else's problem.  

***  Seriously?  They danced all night long and the only thing he noticed was her shoes?   Even if we go out on a limb and accept that she was wearing a paper bag over her head or something, I guessing all the Prince was going to need was one look at her rack before hew says 'yep, those are them!', because you know damn well he noticed them long before he saw the shoe. 

***  How does grandmother feed herself normally?  Being sick one day causes such a food shortage that they need to send a little girl through wolf infested woods just so she has a meal?  For Christ sake, just have her come stay with you until she's feeling better you selfish prick.  Unless... maybe Grandmother's house was out there because that's where her food was.... Was Granny perhaps fond of wolf-kabobs?  The wolf's targeting of her family always felt a little personal to me...

And that's just the tip of the iceberg people.  Trust me, if they had the internet in 1850 you would have heard nothing but 'Jacob Grimm raped my childhoode with his shoddy storietelling' and things like that.

Not all progress is a good idea, people.

Vizsla out.

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