Vizslka Flashback - For the record - 'Jason Statham-y' is a totally legitimate adjective

Earlier today I was trying to explain a certain look as being 'Jason Statham-y'* And was pleased to discover that the person I was talking to instantly understood what that meant.  So I'm going to take that as a sign that The Transporter movies were not a complete waste of time.  (Crank, however...)

*It means - Shaved head, unshaved face, dress shirt and tie, and a slightly menacing air that indicates one might whip off the shirt and tie and start kicking peoples asses at any moment.

The interesting thing about this is that back in the bygone days of yore, before he was legally required to appear in any movie that features three or more machine guns, Our Jason actually began as an Olympic Diver for Great Britain.

What I like about this little fun fact to know and share is this-

Diving is hardly considered to be the manliest of your Olympic events.  Generally speaking it's held to be only slightly manlier than Ribbon Dancing and Soccer.  (In the US in any case)

But I think we're all unlikely to point that out to Mr. Statham.  For fear that the shirt and tie would be coming off and the ass kicking would commence.

btw - Mr. Statham, if you're reading this - this is merely an observation about the biases of the general public and you and me are still totally cool, right?  Also, I loved you in Snatch.

(It's a movie.  Get your mind out of the gutter, you.)

"You are one cotton twill suitcoat away from the ass kicking of a lifetime, my friend."

The Vampires of Iowa

 "I vant to eat corn and attend a High School football game!"

As I mentioned Yesterday, I am currently in Omaha, Nebraska visiting my Cousin Britney. 

I actually come to visit Cousin Britney on a fairly regular basis, which is cool and all except for one thing:

It involves having to repeatedly drive across Iowa.

Now, please don’t take offense – potential Iowa based reader.  Yours is a lovely State and I’m sure a fine place to live.  Plus you get shouts out in both Star Trek and Field of Dreams, which means your PR requirements are pretty much covered in Males* ages 12-35 and 40 and above.  Also with any women that were tricked into watching Field of Dreams on the mistaken premise that it was about J.D. Salinger as opposed to what it’s actually about (Baseball and Daddy Issues.)  

*A brief shout out to the large and thriving Female Sci-Fi Enthusiast community whom I have just completely alienated for the sake of a cheap shot about Star Trek fans.**  I can only hope that my repeated past declarations of fealty to Felicia Day will help to reassure you that I’m totally down with the sci-fi ladies.  It’s merely that when confronted with a choice between accuracy and cheap laughs I am pretty much always going to go with the latter.  To quote a great man – I’d far rather be happy than right, any day.

** I’ve been meaning, btw, to own up to the fact that I’ve never actually watched the original series of Star Trek.  I think the only episode that I’d ever seen before last week was ‘Spock’s Brain.’***  And so, in an effort to correct this enormous lapse, I have started watching the series from the beginning on Netflix.  Let me tell you – when you go in completely cold, nothing can really prepare you for the experience of watching ‘Charlie X’ for the first time…

*** Someone should probably go check and make sure that Ekim is all right after reading that.  Also I should probably mail him $12 in deference to a long standing agreement we’ve had regarding the purchasing of a VHS copy of that episode.****

****  I know longer have any idea what I was talking about… Star Trek… The Man Trap… Iowa…

Ah, right…

Vampires.

I don’t know if you’ve had occasion to drive the entire length of Iowa lately, but – much like History, The Universe, and deliberate misinformation on the Fox network – there’s kind of a lot of it.   If one is driving from Minneapolis, MN to Omaha, NE, the pattern pretty much is as follows: A little Minnesota, even less Nebraska, and an enormous chunk of Iowa lodged in between.

Which means that you have a good long while to sit in your car with little to think about except, ‘My.  I sure am in Iowa.’

To offset this, some time ago I started pretending that it was absolutely vital to get out of Iowa before darkness fell.  This gives your mind the happy task of constantly doing the math of Speed*Distance of Iowa remaining compared to time of Sunset.

I’m not saying it’s going to replace Facebook or Pleasuring Yourself as the nation’s favorite way to pass time, but it is at least something to while away the miles thinking about. 

Of course, eventually this leads to having to have some sort of reason WHY it’s vital to get out of Iowa before Sunset.  And the obvious answer to this is, of course, Vampires.

This does of course leave a couple of questions –

*Why can’t the Vampires cross over the border after Sunset?  Are they trying not to violate probation or something?

*What about all the people who live in Iowa?  Are they not good for eatin’?  Are the Vampires trying to actively damp down the tourism industry? (And if so – job well done there, Vampires)

*Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a book on CD or something?

The answers I usually fall back on are-

** Gypsy curse restrains them from crossing the Border.  Do. Not. Mess. With the Gypsies of Iowa.

** If they started eating the locals it would stir up anti-vamp sentiment and lead to trouble.

** Easier, but more expensive. 

So, happy traveling, gentle reader.  Tomorrow brings another Vizsla flashback and then I’m home again on Monday.  Until then, keep watching out for Corn-Fed vampires. 

Shifting Allegiences in the Beyonce/Mike Myers bru-ha-ha

Is Bru-ha-ha hyphenated, btw?  It just Bruhaha?

Not important.  Starting from the top again.

Gentle reader, it takes a big dog to admit that their previous opinions on a matter were in fact incorrect*

*Note to the Tea Party - This is how adults are supposed to behave.  See, you're actually supposed to revise your opinions as you encounter new facts as opposed to just ignoring facts that don't support your preconceived ideology.  It's sort of a thing.

What I'm getting at here is that I'm officially backing Beyonce in the ongoing feud against Mike Myers, please disregard previous statements to the contrary.

For those who might need the backstory-

Back in the Halcyon days of Austin Powers: Goldmember (words that have never before been typed), I heard a brief newsreport on some Entertainment news program (one of your E! knockoffs as I recall) that Mike Myers reportedly didn't get along particularly well with Beyonce on the set of that film because she reportedly never knew her lines precisely.*

*This is the only mention of this that I ever heard, so billing this as an ongoing feud MAY be overstating the matter slightly.  But Vizslas have never been afraid of hyperbole and are certainly not going to start fearing it now.

At the time I kind of assumed that she must be a diva to be around and thought no more of it.

In my defense, I came down on the side of Mike Myers primarily because the whole Austin Powers thing had been reasonably amusing and Cat in the Hat had not happened yet.

Beyonce, in contrast, had not yet informed me that if I liked it I would be well advised to have put a ring on it, and her surprisingly gracious and classy handling of the whole Kanye/Taylor Swift thing had also not happened yet.

But now, after hearing more than a couple times over the years that Mr. Myers is, in actual point of fact, the one that's kind of a pain in the ass to work with because of issues with perfectionism (plus the additional character evidence cited above) I am forced to conclude that I was wrong in my initial assumption.

Winner: Beyonce.

I apologize for my earlier assumptions.

(See Birthers?  This is how you act when you're proven repeatedly to be completely wrong.  Please take note.)

You're Awesome, Christopher Lee. Please don't kill me.

First of all it should be acknowledged that he is properly called Sir Christopher Lee.  He was knighted in 2009.

Secondly it should also be acknowledged that he probably killed Nazis with his bare hands in World War II.*

*He was part of something sinisterly titled the 'Special Operations Executive' during the War and is still forbidden to speak about anything that he might have actually done.  It should however be noted that on at least one occasion during the filming of Lord of the Rings he actually stopped director Peter Jackson in order to correct him on precisely what it sounds like when you stab a man through the ribcage from behind.  Just take a moment with that.

Outside of the knighting and stabbing portions of his resume (Or c.v. if you're European) some other fun facts to know about Sir Christopher include

-He's Step Cousins with Ian Fleming (creator of James Bond)

-He can claim to have been personal friends with J.J.R. Tolkien

-In 2010 he recorded a heavy metal album about Charlemagne at the age of 88.  You know, like one does.

-He's the only person on the planet to have been main villains in Dracula, James Bond, Lord of the
Rings, and Star Wars.  I'm fairly certain that if he secures a role as lead villain in J.J. Abrams next Star Trek movie that he will officially own us all.

-In addition to being fluent in French and German, he also spent a little time in college studying Latin and Ancient Greek.  The way we all did.  If by 'Studying Latin and Ancient Greek' you meant 'Drinking a lot of cheap beer.'

-His urine can cure Cancer.  (I'm just guessing on this one, but based on the previous entries it seems like a safe bet)

-Oh, and he's also 6'5".  Just in case he wasn't sufficiently intimidating.

All of which is a lengthy way of saying that as amazingly cool as it would be to meet Sir Christopher, under no circumstances should you do so alone or at night.

When he says 'I'd tell you, but then I'd have to kill you', he is NOT joking.

 

 

For the record - 'Jason Statham-y' is a totally legitimate adjective

Earlier today I was trying to explain a certain look as being 'Jason Statham-y'* And was pleased to discover that the person I was talking to instantly understood what that meant.  So I'm going to take that as a sign that The Transporter movies were not a complete waste of time.  (Crank, however...)

*It means - Shaved head, unshaved face, dress shirt and tie, and a slightly menacing air that indicates one might whip off the shirt and tie and start kicking peoples asses at any moment.

The interesting thing about this is that back in the bygone days of yore, before he was legally required to appear in any movie that features three or more machine guns, Our Jason actually began as an Olympic Diver for Great Britain.

What I like about this little fun fact to know and share is this- 

Diving is hardly considered to be the manliest of your Olympic events.  Generally speaking it's held to be only slightly manlier than Ribbon Dancing and Soccer.  (In the US in any case)

But I think we're all unlikely to point that out to Mr. Statham.  For fear that the shirt and tie would be coming off and the ass kicking would commence.

btw - Mr. Statham, if you're reading this - this is merely an observation about the biases of the general public and you and me are still totally cool, right?  Also, I loved you in Snatch.

(It's a movie.  Get your mind out of the gutter, you.)

"You are one cotton twill suitcoat away from the ass kicking of a lifetime, my friend."

Ah Marky Mark, we meet again. But this time we - the Funky Bunch- will have our revenge!

Yesssss.....

Yes Marky Mark.  Your eyes do not deceive you.  It is we - your arch nemeses - The Funky Bunch.  And this time the advantage is ours!

Please, by all means, struggle against your carbon monofiliment reinforced excrutio-bonds.  We can assure you - there is no chance you will escape this time!

Scream all you like, you petty fool.  Scream like we did when Music For the People made it to #21 on the Billboard 200.  Oh, but how the memory of those happy times leaves naught but the unquenchable bittersweet thirst for vengeance in these, our vicious funky throats. 

Feel the 'Good Vibrations' now, Mr. Mark!  Feel how they buuurrrrrrn.

I hope you don't mind us pointing this enormous death laser at your glistening shirtless torso...  Oh yes Marky, we know that you've forgotten your shirtless roots, but we- those of us faithful to the old ways - we shall never forgot nor prove unfaithful!

You really thought you could escape us, didn't you.  HA!  We say again HA HA!

In fact, MWA HAHAHAHAHA!  You cannot begin to imagine the infinite depths of our Funky Bunch Powers!  For we have not lain dormant, waning in our memories of that brief reunion period between December of 2007 and August of 2008!  We SAY NO!

Oh... but what is that you can see above you... could it be... you see the silhouette of The FunkyCopter?  Could you possibly be such fool that you dream of escaping these shackles and somehow making your escape.  WE DEFY YOU MARKY MARK!

The Funky Copter has but been left there for you to experience the exquisite agony of a moment of hope - much like we felt when our song "I want you" was featured on the Super Mario Brothers movie soundtrack. - so that it sears you inside when we take that hope and crush it without mercy.

For We, Mister Mark, ARE THE FUNKY BUNCH!  AND WE SHALL NOT FAIL TO SUCCEED THIS TIME!

What???  You fools!!! Who didn't check his secret boot compartment!!  It was totally you, wasn't it Scottie G!!!  After him you fools!!  Use the death ray powers of our universally panned video game - Marky Mark and the Funky Bunch: Make My Video, truly only it's awesome powers of suckiness can bring Marky Mark to his final doooooooooommmmm!!!

Oh Crap.  Hector, you totally left the keys in the FunkyCopter, didn't you.

DAMN YOU MARKY MARK!!!  You win this round.  But know this!  The Funky Bunch.... Will... Be... Waiting!!!!

Shit.

When you think about it, there just aren't a lot of really cool Joans

It goes without saying (except that I'm going to go ahead and say it.  Which, really, everybody does immediately after saying 'it goes without saying', which makes you wonder why we bother with the phrase in the first place.  But I digress...)

It goes without saying that Joan Jett and the Blackhearts' greatest hits album is just about the best guilty pleasure record out there.  In point of fact, I really tried to use The Blackhearts in The great Vizsla Theoretical backup band knife fight discussion of last month.  Except that I couldn't think of anybody who stood a chance against them.  Not even the Robert Palmer girls, and they're cannibal robots.*

*Which may mean that they eat other robots... 

Allow me to take this opportunity to refer you to just one of the many reasons this album kicks ass - 

Joan Jett, being awesome

So clearly, Joan Jett is supercool.  But when you think about it, 'Joan' isn't a name that particularly lends itself to 'cool'

My name is Joan, and I'm cool anyway.

(Although I may have had a little work done...)

 The only other notable Joan's that I'd even consider in the catagory-

Cusack

Clearly the coolest Joan of all time

It's not her fault that her brother is apparently kind of a jerk in real life.

 Osborne

I know, I know.  I didn't used to think so either.

But I saw her make a really gracious acceptance speech once that made me think, '

Hey Joan Osborne.  You're pretty cool.

 Of Arc

Come on.

She was pretty awesome.

I'm glad that we've settled this issue.

Nobody tell Markie Post about this...

So, for awhile now I've wanted to talk about Markie Post, because I kind of feel like somebody should.

But after considerable deliberation I am forced to acknowledge that there is nothing whatsoever to say about Markie Post.

I'm not saying that I have nothing to say about her.  I'm saying that there is nothing to be said about her. 

At all.

For those who aren't in the know, Markie Post was an actress on the TV Sitcom Night Court in the 1980s

The three reasonably interesting things to note about Markie Post are-

1:  She was the prosecutor on the show Night Court

2:  She was apparently on The Fall Guy

3: It's almost impossible to find a picture of her in which she is not wearing a bikini

This is the only way the internet will remember me...

And that's it.

Now, in the cast of Night Court alone there are a million more interesting stories.  Harry Anderson, for example is fascinating.  His father was regularly played by John Freakin Astin!  If that name means nothing to you, he was and is in no particular order-

1: The only acceptable Gomez Adams

2:  The father of Samwise Gamgee (aka Sean Astin)

3: The only acceptable alternative if Frank Gorshin was unavailable to play the Riddler on the Batman TV show

And what of John Larroquette?

First of all, I'm pretty sure his last name is French for 'The Rocket', which is all kinds of awesome.  

Secondly, his mother's name was Berthalla Oramous which... just take a moment with that.

Thirdly, and most importantly, if you watch Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, you will discover That Klingon One and Klingon Two are none other than John Larroquette and Christopher Lloyd.  Which means you will spend the whole movie watching Dan from Night Court and Reverend Jim from Taxi trying to Kill William Shatner.  

from left to right - Dan Fielding, Reverend Jim, and Loser who never had a sitcom.

 

 And that's not even getting into Richard Moll (did you realize he's 70 years old now?)  Or Brent Spiner who got his start as a semi-regular on the show.  Or any of the sadly now dead female bailiffs.

I'm sorry Markie Post.

I wish I had more to say.

-Vizsla Out

I don't think we can legitimately blame Mark Harmon for this...

Years ago I came across the interesting (and possibly untrue) bit on information that apparently Harrison Ford is a trained helicopter pilot and occasionally donates his services in rescue missions for local government agencies.

Now, I have absolutely no idea if this is true, but I'm going to proceed in the belief that it is, because it is my firm policy that when faced with two possibilities one should always believe the more amusing option.

So let's picture, if we will - We're a hiker.  Possibly a lonely middle aged housewife who's desperately latched onto some light hiking in the foothills to try to fill the void where love should be.  Suddenly we realize - there's a fire spreading rapidly all around us!  Our way back is blocked in a fiery inferno!  In desperation we make for the foothills, but no luck!  They're blocked too, probably by bobcats!  With Harpoon Guns!  And those bobcats are totally looking for payback because they live in what's called an 'ecotone' and resent the encroachment.  (look it up later, it's not important right now.)

We're trapped!  All seems lost!

And then Han Freaking Solo descends from the sky in a helicopter to save us.  Probably shouting 'All Right Kid!  Now Blow this thing so we can all go home!' because I'm pretty sure that local government officials would insist on that.

Now...

I don't know about you, but I'd pretty much assume that I'd died.  And gone to either Heaven or Hell (depending on your views toward religion and Star Wars)

In either case, it's a reasonable bet that I'm going to still be standing there staring blankly at him trying to process the situation long after my charred and harpoon impaled body is located by the forest rangers.

Which brings me to Mark Harmon

A little backstory on how the Vizsla blogs.  About an hour ago I googled Mark Harmon because his name came to mind and I thought he might make a vaguely amusing topic to discuss.  I think I had some half formed idea concerning the film Summer School.

But that's not important anymore because I discovered a few things in my google (can I make a noun out of that?)

1:  He's apparently on NCIS, which I was unaware of and still don't really care about

2:  He's married to Pam Dawber (who I was mildly surprised to learn was still alive.  And yet has she written anything tender about the passing of Jonathan Winters?  Must check on that...)

3 Apparently in 1996 a couple guys were in a car wreck in front of his house.  He grabbed a sledgehammer, broke out the window and dragged them from the burning vehicle.  I'm assuming they went into slo-motion just as the car exploded.  Pam called 911 while he did so.

OK.... let's take that one again... from the drivers perspective...

You and your buddy are driving around.  Probably on your way to buy pot, or read to orphans or whatever, that part isn't important.

Suddenly, A raccoon darts in front of the car!  or possibly you're drunk, imdb didn't really say.  Your car flips over!  The dripping fuel ignites!  You and your buddy are moments away from a fiery end!

When suddenly the guy from St. Elsewhere is smashing out your windows with some sort of weapon of death!  In panic you flail around, only to see Mindy on the front porch!  She's making some kind of urgent phonecall.  Why isn't she with Mork?  Is she calling Mork?  OH MY GOD, IS SHE CHEATING ON MORK???  St. Elsewhere guy pulls you and your friend to safety.  The car explodes as the music crescendos... why are you suddenly in slo-mo?  And then...

It's over.

You're in the ambulance with only the vaguest idea of what just happened.

It's amazing they didn't sue, because I bet Mark and Pam are totally loaded and it WAS on their property.  Sort of.

Things that Vizsla's do not do.

I know that it's easy to look at a Vizsla and think, 'Hey, there is nothing that they can't do'

And you would of course be right.

There are however several things that the Vizsla will not do.  Because Vizsla's are different than people.  And by different I mean better.  And yes, I totally stole that line from Better off Ted.  (Seriously - Portia DiRossi.  SOMEBODY find that woman a long term vehicle!)

Things that Vizsla's do NOT do-



Judge

Hey, you could have spent your day being a psychotic self-obsessed dictator who moved all his missiles to his border with South Korea that morning.  Come nightfall I would still totally let you rub my belly.  Because that's how vizslas roll.

and while we're on the subject...



Move All Their Missiles to Their Border With South Korea.

Not cool, Un.  Not cool.


However you're in luck, because Vizsla's also do not...


Hold a Grudge 

That's right.  Even if you are the Border Healer that has totally been biting my ankle ALL day long, I will still totally spoon with you.  I will spoon the CRAP out of you.  Because I weight three times what you do and forget that a lot of the time.  So I'm hoping you also do not hold grudges


Get involved in a land war in Asia

It's one of the classic blunders, you know. Also never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  Also wear sunscreen.


Jump out of a canoe in the middle of a lake

because apparently that's 'wrong'


Tear up plants and throw them all over grandpa's house

No sir.  Never would.  Why would you even ask?


Lie

Ok, I totally destroyed Grandpa's house.  I was young.  And it made me really sick.  Can we call that even?


Become the Bass Player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers

No opposable thumbs.

So where do we, as a people, stand on Alan Thicke?

On his Xiphoid Process.

Ba dum chunk.

(it's the little notchy bit just south of your sternum.  Vizsla = Knowledge)

But seriously.

Are we cool with Alan Thicke now?  Do we still look down on him?  Has his occasional bit on How I Met Your Mother made us all good again?

The reason I ask is that I made a reference to Growing Pains the other day and someone commented that it was probably best to avoid being ANY of the cast members from that show which got me thinking...

Man do I like bacon.

Oh, right... Growing Pains

So, running down the cast list -

 Tracey Gold

 - Unfortunate

Kirk Cameron 

 Douchebag

That other kid that everyone forgets existed 

 Probably the best he could have hoped for

Andrew Koenig

Super Tragic

Joanna Kerns

 I actually had to look up who she was, so she's probably safe too

Alan Thicke

....

I think we all see where the data is pointing.

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO STOLE ALL OF THEIR KARMA FOR HIS OWN USE!

Not cool, Leo.

Not cool.