I'm not sure how I feel about Sharknado

On the off chance that you live in a yurt and spoke to no one in  the last few months, I'll begin with the assumption that you may not have heard about the recent Sy-Fy hit film- 'Sharknado'

First of all - YES, 'Sy-Fy' is an entirely irritating variant on the previous 'Sci-Fi' title of the network, and reeks of 'trying to be hip and cool and justify why a non small percentage of their programming isn't really science-fiction in any way.

It's the marketing equivalent of when your Dad starts calling you 'Bro' in an attempt to seem with-it.

But these are the declining standards of the age we live in, and the DO still show Warehouse 13, so I just accepted it and moved on with life.  See kids?  This is how evil happens.

Obviously what they really want to be viewed as is the primary home for Genre/Cult television, but you can't really title a network either of those because "Genre TV" sounds boring and "CulTV" sounds a bit like you may tune in to a goat sacrifice*

*Although, now I type it out, CulTV totally does makes its own logo... I may have to establish an internet video platform...

Anyway..

One of SyFy's more profitable little lines of original programming for the last decade or so is cranking out ridiculous monster/catastrophe movies as quickly as they can get some CGI and Barry Williams in the same room.  And so we've had endless variations of 'Music/TV Icon from the 70s/80s/90s encounters Sasquatch/Manticore/giant genital lice' cranked out at roughly the level of quality that one expects of that sort of thing for quite some time. 

Then eventually the inevitable monster team ups started and you wound up with grudge matches along the lines of 'Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus', 'Gargoyles versus Shaker Furniture', and 'Tiffany versus Debbie Gibson'

And this was deemed more or less acceptable

Running alongside these were the natural catastrophe ones (If one stretches the definition of 'natural' a bit.  And by a bit I mean to the breaking point) where we saw such things as 'Stonehenge is an alien device that will destroy the planet unless that guy from Supernatural can stop it!'*

*No, not that guy.  No, not that one either.  The third one.  Yeah, him.

Toss in a few reversals of the earths magnetic core, the odd giant asteroid strike, and a healthy dose of global warming melts greenland* and that's more or less their natural disaster film template

*Actually, all kidding aside this is really happening and it's something that we should probably be concerned about.   When we're done watching Danny from the Partridge family beat off a Wendigo.  No, not like that!  I just meant drive away.  Honestly, you people.

Which brings us to their latest blockbuster.  Sharknado.

That's right.  They've figured out a way to combine the monster AND the catastrophe tropes into one big ridiculous, kind of awesome, visual.  A tornado that's made up of sharks.  Flying toward your town. (assuming you live in a smallish plains town populated by people that once guest cameo-d on Family Ties.)

Now, I know that you're first response is 'Hey, isn't that ripped off wholesale from 'Planet of the Dead'?'  Yes.  Yes it is.  Not a huge deal, but it's nice to at least acknowledge the source material.

What scares my about this is that I can't help but feel that we're rapidly approaching a critical mass where SyFy will somehow unlock the formula for making a made-for-TV movie SO cheesy that it reaches a critical mass and collapses in upon itself in a gravity whirlpool from which not even gravity, light, or the cast of It's A Living can escape.

On the other hand, Felicia Day apparently thought it was awesome and I don't know that I'm physically capable of disagreeing with her without pulling something.

So there you have it - the genie is out of the bottle.  Even as I type this I have discovered that we now also have Sharkano and Sharkalanche to look forward to.  As well as.... hold on to that last remnant of your soul for this one.... Sharknado 2: After Sharks.

It's end of days people.

Vizsla out, bro

Nobody tell Markie Post about this...

So, for awhile now I've wanted to talk about Markie Post, because I kind of feel like somebody should.

But after considerable deliberation I am forced to acknowledge that there is nothing whatsoever to say about Markie Post.

I'm not saying that I have nothing to say about her.  I'm saying that there is nothing to be said about her. 

At all.

For those who aren't in the know, Markie Post was an actress on the TV Sitcom Night Court in the 1980s

The three reasonably interesting things to note about Markie Post are-

1:  She was the prosecutor on the show Night Court

2:  She was apparently on The Fall Guy

3: It's almost impossible to find a picture of her in which she is not wearing a bikini

This is the only way the internet will remember me...

And that's it.

Now, in the cast of Night Court alone there are a million more interesting stories.  Harry Anderson, for example is fascinating.  His father was regularly played by John Freakin Astin!  If that name means nothing to you, he was and is in no particular order-

1: The only acceptable Gomez Adams

2:  The father of Samwise Gamgee (aka Sean Astin)

3: The only acceptable alternative if Frank Gorshin was unavailable to play the Riddler on the Batman TV show

And what of John Larroquette?

First of all, I'm pretty sure his last name is French for 'The Rocket', which is all kinds of awesome.  

Secondly, his mother's name was Berthalla Oramous which... just take a moment with that.

Thirdly, and most importantly, if you watch Star Trek III: The Search for Spock, you will discover That Klingon One and Klingon Two are none other than John Larroquette and Christopher Lloyd.  Which means you will spend the whole movie watching Dan from Night Court and Reverend Jim from Taxi trying to Kill William Shatner.  

from left to right - Dan Fielding, Reverend Jim, and Loser who never had a sitcom.

 

 And that's not even getting into Richard Moll (did you realize he's 70 years old now?)  Or Brent Spiner who got his start as a semi-regular on the show.  Or any of the sadly now dead female bailiffs.

I'm sorry Markie Post.

I wish I had more to say.

-Vizsla Out

Battle of the (backup) bands - Redux

A few days back now I spent far too long mulling over whether The News (of Huey Lewis fame) or Robert Palmer Girls (of Robert Palmer fame, although I suspect they may have killed and eaten him) would win if they were to meet in a no holds barred knife fight.

Spoiler alert - The Robert Palmer girls would probably not even notice as they were devouring the News' souls for the glory of their demonic master. 

But that spun off and now I'm wondering about other match-ups.

What about all the other 'and the...' back up band knife fighters out there.

To whit - 

The 2013 Vizsla knock down no mercy 

back-up band knife fight 

(patent pending)

Our first round fight of the evening - you know them all for their lovely ladies of the eighties - it's the alt versus pop girl power throwdown.  I present to you - 

The Waves! (,Katirna and the)

versus

The New Bohemians! (Edie Brickell and the)

Now at first blush one could easily write this off as a battle between the early to mid eighties and the late eighties-early nineties.  And fair enough, that would be a knife fight worth seeing and possibly a topic for another day.  But what we're talking about here is a simple street fight between the two groups in question.  In such a fight, who would be victorious?

There are two salient points to make here.

1:  The Waves was originally founded by Kimberly Rew, who despite being named Kimberly was actually a dude.  He left the band, formed the Soft Boys with Robyn Freakin Hitchcock, they dissolved, he went back to reform The Waves, they picked up some American chick named Katrina Leskanich to play keyboards, suddenly they had a hit with the one godddamn song they let her sing and suddenly he was just part of the back up band.   And so to sum up in outline format-

      A:  He was this close to Robyn Hitchcock prior to the Egyptians and missed out on being part of it

      B:   He went back to his own creation only to have it swept away by some American bint

      C:   He's had to live his whole life with a girls name

2:  The New Bohemians are clearly a bunch of hippies.

Now, I can't really speak for the rest of the Waves, but I feel fairly certain that Kim is ready to throw down.

Verdict

The Waves.  By a landslide     

or more specifically- Kimberly will drink the blood of his enemies.

tune in next time for 

 

Round two!

 it's proto-punk versus retro-punk as we examine...

 

The Bunnymen! (Echo and the...)

versus   

The Stooges! (Iggy and the...)

Without Huey Lewis, The News never stood a chance.

So the topic of discussion today turned to the following.

If it came to a knock down, drag-out street fight, who would win -

The News 

(Huey Lewis not pictured)

or

The Robert Palmer girls

 (Robert Palmer not relevant)

The interesting thing about the discussion, with only one notable exception the results of my informal poll come down unanimously in favor of the Palmer Girls.

And I mean, no wonder.  Honestly.

Look at her

I don't think she's even human

She lives entirely on a diet of puppies and children's tears.

I don't think the Palmer girls would even seem to notice as they were tearing the News limb from limb.  It would be nothing but 'Shoo- bop, shoo oooowww My spine! My Spine!' And then nothing but the sound of the Palmer girls using their bones to pick bits of News Meat out from between their teeth.

That's what I think anyway.

Thoughts?  There's a seldom-used comment section below.

Vizsla out

I don't think we can legitimately blame Mark Harmon for this...

Years ago I came across the interesting (and possibly untrue) bit on information that apparently Harrison Ford is a trained helicopter pilot and occasionally donates his services in rescue missions for local government agencies.

Now, I have absolutely no idea if this is true, but I'm going to proceed in the belief that it is, because it is my firm policy that when faced with two possibilities one should always believe the more amusing option.

So let's picture, if we will - We're a hiker.  Possibly a lonely middle aged housewife who's desperately latched onto some light hiking in the foothills to try to fill the void where love should be.  Suddenly we realize - there's a fire spreading rapidly all around us!  Our way back is blocked in a fiery inferno!  In desperation we make for the foothills, but no luck!  They're blocked too, probably by bobcats!  With Harpoon Guns!  And those bobcats are totally looking for payback because they live in what's called an 'ecotone' and resent the encroachment.  (look it up later, it's not important right now.)

We're trapped!  All seems lost!

And then Han Freaking Solo descends from the sky in a helicopter to save us.  Probably shouting 'All Right Kid!  Now Blow this thing so we can all go home!' because I'm pretty sure that local government officials would insist on that.

Now...

I don't know about you, but I'd pretty much assume that I'd died.  And gone to either Heaven or Hell (depending on your views toward religion and Star Wars)

In either case, it's a reasonable bet that I'm going to still be standing there staring blankly at him trying to process the situation long after my charred and harpoon impaled body is located by the forest rangers.

Which brings me to Mark Harmon

A little backstory on how the Vizsla blogs.  About an hour ago I googled Mark Harmon because his name came to mind and I thought he might make a vaguely amusing topic to discuss.  I think I had some half formed idea concerning the film Summer School.

But that's not important anymore because I discovered a few things in my google (can I make a noun out of that?)

1:  He's apparently on NCIS, which I was unaware of and still don't really care about

2:  He's married to Pam Dawber (who I was mildly surprised to learn was still alive.  And yet has she written anything tender about the passing of Jonathan Winters?  Must check on that...)

3 Apparently in 1996 a couple guys were in a car wreck in front of his house.  He grabbed a sledgehammer, broke out the window and dragged them from the burning vehicle.  I'm assuming they went into slo-motion just as the car exploded.  Pam called 911 while he did so.

OK.... let's take that one again... from the drivers perspective...

You and your buddy are driving around.  Probably on your way to buy pot, or read to orphans or whatever, that part isn't important.

Suddenly, A raccoon darts in front of the car!  or possibly you're drunk, imdb didn't really say.  Your car flips over!  The dripping fuel ignites!  You and your buddy are moments away from a fiery end!

When suddenly the guy from St. Elsewhere is smashing out your windows with some sort of weapon of death!  In panic you flail around, only to see Mindy on the front porch!  She's making some kind of urgent phonecall.  Why isn't she with Mork?  Is she calling Mork?  OH MY GOD, IS SHE CHEATING ON MORK???  St. Elsewhere guy pulls you and your friend to safety.  The car explodes as the music crescendos... why are you suddenly in slo-mo?  And then...

It's over.

You're in the ambulance with only the vaguest idea of what just happened.

It's amazing they didn't sue, because I bet Mark and Pam are totally loaded and it WAS on their property.  Sort of.

So where do we, as a people, stand on Alan Thicke?

On his Xiphoid Process.

Ba dum chunk.

(it's the little notchy bit just south of your sternum.  Vizsla = Knowledge)

But seriously.

Are we cool with Alan Thicke now?  Do we still look down on him?  Has his occasional bit on How I Met Your Mother made us all good again?

The reason I ask is that I made a reference to Growing Pains the other day and someone commented that it was probably best to avoid being ANY of the cast members from that show which got me thinking...

Man do I like bacon.

Oh, right... Growing Pains

So, running down the cast list -

 Tracey Gold

 - Unfortunate

Kirk Cameron 

 Douchebag

That other kid that everyone forgets existed 

 Probably the best he could have hoped for

Andrew Koenig

Super Tragic

Joanna Kerns

 I actually had to look up who she was, so she's probably safe too

Alan Thicke

....

I think we all see where the data is pointing.

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO STOLE ALL OF THEIR KARMA FOR HIS OWN USE!

Not cool, Leo.

Not cool.

Houndsight is 20/20

Looking back on the 80s, as Vizsla's occasionally like to do, one thing becomes shockingly clear in retrospect.

There was a good solid year where that Cyndi Lauper/Madonna thing could have gone either way. 

They were interchangeable pop girls with chunky jewelery and crazy hair and you were just as likely to hear Lucky Star on the radio as you were to hear Time After Time.  Ultimately history came down on the side of Madonna sometime around the time when she happened to notice that 'yes, That David Bowie seems to still being doing well, how's he pulling that off?'

She wisely chose to follow the 'Change up your image every few years' thing, skipping right over the 'Do a lot of cocaine and store your urine in jars in the basement' part (at least as far as we know.) 

And so, True Blue came out, and Cyndi Lauper was relegated to history.

Eventually of course, sometime around the early Guy Ritchie years, History happened to notice where all this had taken Madonna, shuffled his feet awkwardly, and went to see if he still had Cyndi's number.

So, long story short... let's check back in on this one in about 10 years and see where we are.


Other notable cases of 'Could have gone either way'-

Jason Bateman/Kirk Cameron

There was a point when they were more or less the same.  Sure, NOW we know that one of them is awesome and the other is a gigantic douchebag trying to punish anyone who doesn't follow his religious mythology.  But at the time...

Arnold Schwarzenegger/Sylvester Stallone

Around the time of T2 and Stop or My Mom Will Shoot this seemed firmly decided.  Time, The Expendables, and hanging out with Jason Statham have since shown Sly to have a nicely self-deprecating sense of humility, so maybe we were wrong on this one

Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis

Well, for some reason people still remember Gary Coleman's name, so I'm going to call this a win by default.

Blu-Ray/HDDVD

Yeah, you'd already forgotten they even existed, hadn't you.