Vizsla Flashback - Some F.A.Q.s about Cryptozoology

In tribute to yesterday's unfortunate incident regarding Danny Bonaduce and the Wendigo (who will totally not stop calling him now. This is what you get when you make bad choices) here is this week's Vizsla Flashback -

Some F.A.Q.s about Cryptozoology- first published May 2nd, 2013

As has been mentioned previously, Vizsla = Knowledge.

So when I threw out the term Cryptozoology the other day I suspected that it might require some followup.

So, here are some Cryptozoology F.A.Q.s, just so that we're all gnawing on the same bone.  (OK, YES, that sounded wrong.  It's a time honored dog expression.  Let's try to behave like adults.)


Q: It's that stuff that gives you intestinal disease and diarrhea, isn't it?

A:  No, you're thinking of Cryptosporidium.  That's a genus of protozoans.  Totally different.

Q: Proto-what-now?

A: Protozoans.  They're a group of unicellular... oh look, would it kill you to do a little of the research on your own?

Q:  I was just asking.  Jeez.

A:  That's not a question at all.  You should totally not have been allowed to have a 'Q' in front of that.  That was a defensive excuse.  It should have begun with a D(e).

D(e):  Bite me.

A:  And that was a command form verb... look, can we just get back on topic please?

D(e):  Fine.  Whatever.

Q:  What is Cryptozoology again?

A:  Why I'm glad you asked!

Q:  That wasn't an answer, you should not have started with an 'A'

A:  Do NOT make me crap on your bed.

D(e): Just sayin'

A:  Ahem.  Cryptozoology is the study of mythological animals, or if you're feeling generous...

I(nterruption): Which you are apparently not.

A: Shut up.

A:  Ahem.  As I was saying.  If you're feeling generous you could define it as the study of animals whose existence has not been proven.

Q:  Like The Abominable Snowman?

A:  An excellent example!  Also known in Tibetan as the 'Yeh-tah', or 'Yeti' as we say it.

Q:  Is that the same thing as Bigfoot?

A:  No, Bigfoot is a North American phenomenon.  Also known as Sasquatch.  Yeti are found (theoretically) in and around Tibet.  One lives in the woods, the other in the snowy mountains.

Q:  So where does the Wendigo fit in?

A:  The Wendigo was just something people made up to explain the disappearance of corpses after they'd resorted to cannibalism so that the kids didn't ask questions.

Q:  ...

A:  What?

Q:  SERIOUSLY?

A:  Yup.  When Timmy, over a breakfast of freshly grilled Grandpa, asked where Grandpa might have gone during the night and why wasn't he here to share in this unexpected if slightly stringy bounty, all the parents had to say was that the Wendigo had gotten him.

Q:  ...

A:  WHAT?

Q:  That's a little dark for a family blog from a dog, don't you think?

A:  Hey, truth is what it is buddy.

I'm not sure how I feel about Sharknado

On the off chance that you live in a yurt and spoke to no one in  the last few months, I'll begin with the assumption that you may not have heard about the recent Sy-Fy hit film- 'Sharknado'

First of all - YES, 'Sy-Fy' is an entirely irritating variant on the previous 'Sci-Fi' title of the network, and reeks of 'trying to be hip and cool and justify why a non small percentage of their programming isn't really science-fiction in any way.

It's the marketing equivalent of when your Dad starts calling you 'Bro' in an attempt to seem with-it.

But these are the declining standards of the age we live in, and the DO still show Warehouse 13, so I just accepted it and moved on with life.  See kids?  This is how evil happens.

Obviously what they really want to be viewed as is the primary home for Genre/Cult television, but you can't really title a network either of those because "Genre TV" sounds boring and "CulTV" sounds a bit like you may tune in to a goat sacrifice*

*Although, now I type it out, CulTV totally does makes its own logo... I may have to establish an internet video platform...

Anyway..

One of SyFy's more profitable little lines of original programming for the last decade or so is cranking out ridiculous monster/catastrophe movies as quickly as they can get some CGI and Barry Williams in the same room.  And so we've had endless variations of 'Music/TV Icon from the 70s/80s/90s encounters Sasquatch/Manticore/giant genital lice' cranked out at roughly the level of quality that one expects of that sort of thing for quite some time. 

Then eventually the inevitable monster team ups started and you wound up with grudge matches along the lines of 'Mega Shark versus Giant Octopus', 'Gargoyles versus Shaker Furniture', and 'Tiffany versus Debbie Gibson'

And this was deemed more or less acceptable

Running alongside these were the natural catastrophe ones (If one stretches the definition of 'natural' a bit.  And by a bit I mean to the breaking point) where we saw such things as 'Stonehenge is an alien device that will destroy the planet unless that guy from Supernatural can stop it!'*

*No, not that guy.  No, not that one either.  The third one.  Yeah, him.

Toss in a few reversals of the earths magnetic core, the odd giant asteroid strike, and a healthy dose of global warming melts greenland* and that's more or less their natural disaster film template

*Actually, all kidding aside this is really happening and it's something that we should probably be concerned about.   When we're done watching Danny from the Partridge family beat off a Wendigo.  No, not like that!  I just meant drive away.  Honestly, you people.

Which brings us to their latest blockbuster.  Sharknado.

That's right.  They've figured out a way to combine the monster AND the catastrophe tropes into one big ridiculous, kind of awesome, visual.  A tornado that's made up of sharks.  Flying toward your town. (assuming you live in a smallish plains town populated by people that once guest cameo-d on Family Ties.)

Now, I know that you're first response is 'Hey, isn't that ripped off wholesale from 'Planet of the Dead'?'  Yes.  Yes it is.  Not a huge deal, but it's nice to at least acknowledge the source material.

What scares my about this is that I can't help but feel that we're rapidly approaching a critical mass where SyFy will somehow unlock the formula for making a made-for-TV movie SO cheesy that it reaches a critical mass and collapses in upon itself in a gravity whirlpool from which not even gravity, light, or the cast of It's A Living can escape.

On the other hand, Felicia Day apparently thought it was awesome and I don't know that I'm physically capable of disagreeing with her without pulling something.

So there you have it - the genie is out of the bottle.  Even as I type this I have discovered that we now also have Sharkano and Sharkalanche to look forward to.  As well as.... hold on to that last remnant of your soul for this one.... Sharknado 2: After Sharks.

It's end of days people.

Vizsla out, bro

Some F.A.Q.s about Cryptozoology

As has been mentioned previously, Vizsla = Knowledge.

So when I threw out the term Cryptozoology the other day I suspected that it might require some followup.

So, here are some Cryptozoology F.A.Q.s so that we're all gnawing on the same bone.  (OK, YES, that sounded wrong.  It's a time honored dog expression.  Let's try to behave like adults.)


Q: It's that stuff that gives you intestinal disease and diarrhea, isn't it?

A:  No, you're thinking of Cryptosporidium.  That's a genus of protozoans.  Totally different.

Q: Proto-what-now?

A: Protozoans.  They're a group of unicellular... oh look, would it kill you to do a little of the research on your own?

Q:  I was just asking.  Jeez.

A:  That's not a question at all.  You should totally not have been allowed to have a 'Q' in front of that.  That was a defensive excuse.  It should have begun with a D(e).

D(e):  Bite me.

A:  And that was a command form verb... look, can we just get back on topic please?

D(e):  Fine.  Whatever.

Q:  What is Cryptozoology again?

A:  Why I'm glad you asked!

Q:  That wasn't an answer, you should not have started with an 'A'

A:  Do NOT make me crap on your bed.

D(e): Just sayin'

A:  Ahem.  Cryptozoology is the study of mythological animals, or if you're feeling generous...

I(nterruption): Which you are apparently not.

A: Shut up.

A:  Ahem.  As I was saying.  If you're feeling generous you could define it as the study of animals whose existence has not been proven.

Q:  Like The Abominable Snowman?

A:  An excellent example!  Also known in Tibetan as the 'Yeh-tah', or 'Yeti' as we say it.

Q:  Is that the same thing as Bigfoot?

A:  No, Bigfoot is a North American phenomenon.  Also known as Sasquatch.  Yeti are found (theoretically) in and around Tibet.  One lives in the woods, the other in the snowy mountains.

Q:  So where does the Wendigo fit in?

A:  The Wendigo was just something people made up to explain the disappearance of corpses after they'd resorted to cannibalism so that the kids didn't ask questions.

Q:  ...

A:  What?

Q:  SERIOUSLY?

A:  Yup.  When Timmy, over a breakfast of freshly grilled Grandpa, asked where Grandpa might have gone during the night and why wasn't he here to share in this unexpected if slightly stringy bounty, all the parents had to say was that the Wendigo had gotten him.

Q:  ...

A:  WHAT?

Q:  That's a little dark for a family blog from a dog, don't you think?

A:  Hey, truth is what it is buddy.