Saturday, August 10, 2013

The Vampires of Iowa

 "I vant to eat corn and attend a High School football game!"

As I mentioned Yesterday, I am currently in Omaha, Nebraska visiting my Cousin Britney. 
I actually come to visit Cousin Britney on a fairly regular basis, which is cool and all except for one thing:

It involves having to repeatedly drive across Iowa.

Now, please don’t take offense – potential Iowa based reader.  Yours is a lovely State and I’m sure a fine place to live.  Plus you get shouts out in both Star Trek and Field of Dreams, which means your PR requirements are pretty much covered in Males* ages 12-35 and 40 and above.  Also with any women that were tricked into watching Field of Dreams on the mistaken premise that it was about J.D. Salinger as opposed to what it’s actually about (Baseball and Daddy Issues.)  

*A brief shout out to the large and thriving Female Sci-Fi Enthusiast community whom I have just completely alienated for the sake of a cheap shot about Star Trek fans.**  I can only hope that my repeated past declarations of fealty to Felicia Day will help to reassure you that I’m totally down with the sci-fi ladies.  It’s merely that when confronted with a choice between accuracy and cheap laughs I am pretty much always going to go with the latter.  To quote a great man – I’d far rather be happy than right, any day.

** I’ve been meaning, btw, to own up to the fact that I’ve never actually watched the original series of Star Trek.  I think the only episode that I’d ever seen before last week was ‘Spock’s Brain.’***  And so, in an effort to correct this enormous lapse, I have started watching the series from the beginning on Netflix.  Let me tell you – when you go in completely cold, nothing can really prepare you for the experience of watching ‘Charlie X’ for the first time…

*** Someone should probably go check and make sure that Ekim is all right after reading that.  Also I should probably mail him $12 in deference to a long standing agreement we’ve had regarding the purchasing of a VHS copy of that episode.****

****  I know longer have any idea what I was talking about… Star Trek… The Man Trap… Iowa…

Ah, right…


I don’t know if you’ve had occasion to drive the entire length of Iowa lately, but – much like History, The Universe, and deliberate misinformation on the Fox network – there’s kind of a lot of it.   If one is driving from Minneapolis, MN to Omaha, NE, the pattern pretty much is as follows: A little Minnesota, even less Nebraska, and an enormous chunk of Iowa lodged in between.

Which means that you have a good long while to sit in your car with little to think about except, ‘My.  I sure am in Iowa.’

To offset this, some time ago I started pretending that it was absolutely vital to get out of Iowa before darkness fell.  This gives your mind the happy task of constantly doing the math of Speed*Distance of Iowa remaining compared to time of Sunset.

I’m not saying it’s going to replace Facebook or Pleasuring Yourself as the nation’s favorite way to pass time, but it is at least something to while away the miles thinking about. 

Of course, eventually this leads to having to have some sort of reason WHY it’s vital to get out of Iowa before Sunset.  And the obvious answer to this is, of course, Vampires.

This does of course leave a couple of questions –

*Why can’t the Vampires cross over the border after Sunset?  Are they trying not to violate probation or something?

*What about all the people who live in Iowa?  Are they not good for eatin’?  Are the Vampires trying to actively damp down the tourism industry? (And if so – job well done there, Vampires)

*Wouldn’t it just be easier to get a book on CD or something?

The answers I usually fall back on are-

** Gypsy curse restrains them from crossing the Border.  Do. Not. Mess. With the Gypsies of Iowa.

** If they started eating the locals it would stir up anti-vamp sentiment and lead to trouble.

** Easier, but more expensive. 

So, happy traveling, gentle reader.  Tomorrow brings another Vizsla flashback and then I’m home again on Monday.  Until then, keep watching out for Corn-Fed vampires. 

No comments:

Post a Comment