This week's journey to the vault brings us to June 20th, 2013. So happy retroactive Summer Solstice, people.
The correct answer is always 'Tawny Kitaen'
first published June 20th, 2013
I have a confession to make. I regularly find myself compelled to go to super radical right-wing evangelical 'news' sites solely for the sake of reading the comment threads.
I don't know why I feel driven to do so. I suppose it's the train wreck fascination of seeing exactly how much crazy I can stand to view. Coupled with a belief that it's probably a good idea in the long run to be aware of exactly how bad the worst of the crazy out there is. It's not pretty, but it exists, in all of it's poorly spelled and grammatically incorrect glory.
In fact one comment I've made on such threads more than once is 'I don't know that I could prove the existence of God, but I can definitely confirm the existence of spell check. You should look into it.' Because, yes, sometimes the Vizsla feels compelled to stir up the unemployed fundamentalists who seem to make up the entirety of the online chat community there.
(On a related note - Disqus- Please... just stop...)
I should say that I think the existence of such 'news' site chat forums is a positive thing. because as long as the whack-job tea party evangelicals are safely occupied posting things in all caps without checking for spelling errors they aren't out there in the actual world trying to.. you know... actually participate in representative democracy. Which is no bad thing.
One of the more consistently amusing things about such sites is their 'poll' features. These are generally polls only in the most casual usage of the word- there is usually a question, followed by three or four answers that one might click on. The difficulty that one actually expecting a 'poll' might run into is of course if one actually expected the answers available to actually... you know.. .adress the question at hand or allow for any variance of viewpoint.
What one instead finds is invariably something along the lines of-
Q: Creationism should be taught in schools because:
1: Obama is a gay marxist muslin (sic)
2: The traditional definition of marriage is under attack!
3: Why does it hurt when I pee?
All of which leads to any rational human being just staring blankly at the question before returning to the far more amusing and satisfactory process of reading misspelled bible quotes posted in response to 'But if America isn't a theocracy isn't it just as wrong to encode your beliefs into law as it would be to exact Sharia Law?'*
*Seriously. This exact exchange is being typed - even as we speak - by three thousand people on OneNewsNow. Check it out. But pour a largish drink first.
Which brings me back to Miss Kitaen.
For those not in the know, or too young to remember - Tawny Kitaen was the girl in the Whitesnake video, writhing on the hood of that car. She was also on Baywatch and appeared a couple times in early episodes of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.
She's relevant to the discussion largely because some time ago I used to post regularly on an online forum about the TV show Angel (Joss Whedon spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Yes, I know, but Jane Espenson wrote several episodes, and if you talk trash about Jane we will have an issue, you and I.)
One day I discovered that the site in question also had a poll function. And what's more it let you offer up to 40 possible answers to vote for. And so I posted ridiculous poll after ridiculous poll, with answers that only tangentially were even remotely related to the questions at hand (but hey - at least I was doing it intentionally. suck it, ONN).
The relevant point here is that - religiously - every single time - the 40th possible answer was 'Tawny Kitaen'
I don't even remember why I started doing it, but by the 700th poll, it was pretty much written in stone.
The Final Answer shall be Tawny Kitaen.
This became so prevalent that to this day, any question I ask will be answered by 'Tawny Kitaen' roughly 60% of the time. Seriously. Go back and check my old Facebook posts if you think I'm making this up. (which just goes to prove - Helping the Hopeless folks are the best folks ever. Because they know how to take a joke that's run into the ground and run that bitch in further just for the sheer freakin' joy of it. Love you guys.)
And THAT is what the poll function is for, bitches.