Tuesday, August 6, 2013

The Lunchtime Skyway walk - Instructions for replication

In the interest of history, and the future generations that will no doubt be desperate for detailed information about the living history that we are currently privileged to experience every day I present-

The step by step guide to recreating the walk I just took through the skyway system to get lunch.

Step One: Determine that you are hungry.  This can be easily identified by grumbling feeling of spiritual emptiness in the region of the solar plexus.   Anything higher than that and it might be a heart attack.  Or just life.  One of those.

         1A: Continue working for another 24 minutes on the principle that you just have 'one last quick thing to do'

         1B: Proceed to either -

                 1Bi - Give in to driving need to go to restroom

                 1Bii - Wet Self

STEP TWO:  Stand up from Desk

         2A:  If following instructions for 1Bi proceed to nearest restroom as indicated in illustration 1.

         2B:  If following instructions for 1Bii proceed to location of emergency pants and skip directly to Step 4

 I have no idea where the closest bathroom to you will be while you read this
Do we even still pee in the future?

STEP THREE:  Wash hands

         3A: Feel sanctimonious about those that do not wash hands

                 3Ai- Wish someone was there to use restroom and leave without washing hands so that you can publicly shame them for same.

                3Aii - Accept fact that you would never have nerve to actually follow step 3Ai

         3B: Begin to realize how long you've been in restroom and wonder what people will think
                3Bi - Leave restroom as casually as possible

STEP FOUR:  Proceed to Mexican fast food restaurant to purchase Burrito

       4A:  Slow pace of walk to avoid encounter with casual acquaintance

               4Ai - Mentally bullet point items of small talk in case of failure in step 4A

               4Aii - Be slightly hurt as casual acquaintance's failure to say hello

STEP FIVE: Remember that McDonald's is holding their Monopoly contest.

      5A:  Mentally calculate rough estimate of odds of winning million dollars on fillet-o-fish

               5Ai - Remember that there are two McDonalds in Skyway System

               5Aii - Lose track of things while mulling over the nature of causality

               5Aiii - Realize that you have walked right past both McDonalds and have arrived at Mexican fast food restaurant

                5Aiv - Declare Causality satisfied.

STEP SIX: Order burrito

       6A:  Realize that you just specified that you wanted the burrito platter with 'a burrito'

               6Ai - Mentally chastise self for forgetting the word 'pork'

               6Aii - reflect on previous column where you accused same restaurant of bringing about the downfall of society simply by asking you several times if your order was 'to go'

               6Aiii - Think fondly of time when you had moral high ground.

STEP SEVEN:  Retrace steps back to desk

     7A: Omit step 2Ai or 2Aii depending on parameters of current model

Vizsla not responsible for injury or dismemberment caused by following of above steps.

You're welcome, Future People.  You're Welcome.

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