An open letter to newborns

Hello there, Babies.

And by that I mean of course actual human newborns, not the adults who insist on behaving like them  That's a whole different letter for another day.

First things first.  Hi.  Welcome to the planet.  Sorry about the state of a lot of it, but what can you do, right?

Starting at the beginning, I am what is called a 'Dog'.  This is a fourth classification of being around you, following on from 'Mom', 'Not-Mom', and 'Peasants.'  You can identify a dog as being different from the peasants (or 'other people', as you might hear them referred to) in two key ways.

1:  They are much much better than people

2:  They pretty much stay on all four legs.

SO, now that you can identify 'Dog', there's a few things that 'Dog' would like you to be aware of from the outset.

1:  The ears and tail are not for pulling.  (Although we'll probably put up with it for awhile)

2:  We don't really ride well.  Attempts to do so are not going to end happily for anyone.

3:  That soft spot thing on  the top of your head?  It's creeping me out.  It's called a fontanelle btw (Vizsla = Knowledge, as has been observed often before.)  But whatever you call it,  it's creepy.  There should be bone there.  Please deal with that as soon as possible.

4:  We are totally down with sharing food.  This info is going to come in incredibly handy in a few years time, so keep that one in your back pocket.

5:  No matter what happens, at the end of the day, your dog is the best friend that you're ever going to have.  They'll protect you, they'll tolerate you attempting to ride them, they will always be on your side, and they'll love you when you feel like no one could.  If you feel like the world is a cold and crappy place (and it is - a not-inconsiderable amount of the time) look for the warmest and most love filled place in your life and your dog will be there waiting for you.

But seriously - don't forget to share the food..

With love, and Yeti noises,

The Vizsla

And that's why it's a mistake to try

A fair few years ago I knew a guy who was an actor.  And despite the fact that he was a great big teddy bear of a guy once you actually spoke to him, he was physically quite intimidating- again, until you actually spoke to him.

Of course, this led to him constantly being cast in mean/tough guy parts which - hey, at least he was working- so that's all well and good.

Until he got a role on America's Most Wanted, reenacting scenes as a crazed drug lord who'd killed a fairly impressive amount of people.

At which point he started having to carry proof of identity AND details of his TV contract EVERY SINGLE PLACE HE WENT.  Because well intentioned people kept calling the police and reporting him as a crazed murderous drug lord.

Seriously, this happened many times.

On the other hand, I also knew a guy in the mortgage industry (back before they destroyed the entire economy of the free world and earned the right to be hunted like vermin...) who was trying to get a loan underwritten, only to continually run up against a brick wall whenever he tried to verify where exactly the borrower in question was going to be getting the twenty thousand dollars in question.

Finally he told the guy, 'look, Guy, you have until tomorrow to verify where this money is coming from or the deal is off.'

And the next day the guy showed up with certified funds from the FBI from turning in his roommate, for whom he had discovered there was a significant reward offered due to him being a horrible HORRIBLE person who had done some truly terrible things. He had just been unable to say anything about the investigation until the roommate had been arrested.

The moral of the story-

It doesn't matter if you're good, bad, guilty or innocent.  Other people are just going to come along and fuck it up for you either way.

-Vizsla Out.

Seriously, Mother Nature?

Note:  As I type this (which is harder than you might imagine, in that I have no opposable thumbs thank you very much) it is currently snowing.  6-10 inches.  On April 19th: A day in which your average domestic breed might expect sunny weather and possibly bunnies to chase.

Now, as a sporting breed I actually like snow.  Plus I'm Hungarian, which means that I'm totally down with both  A: being cold for most of the year, and B: being  intermittently invaded from either side.

But still... SERIOUSLY?

And while we're talking about Hungary-  Were you aware that ownership of a Vizsla in Hungary was at one time a sign of being nobility?

Which is all very flattering and all that... until the revolution comes and the peasants rise up.  You know what happens then?   Nothing good for the Vizlsas, that's what!

Which is just my roundabout way of saying- haven't we, the Vizslas suffered enough?

Knock it off already!

Vizsla out.

I can't believe you never noticed that.

As time has gone by, I have become increasingly aware that there are a large number of things that are screamingly obvious to even the simplest Vizsla, and yet people seem curiously unaware of them.  I can't imagine why you don't see these things (and yet get all proud of yourselves for seeing the 'color red', whatever the hell that is)  BUT...


Here are some things that Vizsla's are shocked to discover that you don't notice-

1:  Ryan Gosling is clearly some sort of robot from the future.

Most likely some sort of hip-urban-jiggl-o-matic. Not sure why you don't notice it.  I mean - Have you SEEN Lars and the Real Girl?

2: Schroedinger was actually kidding.

Sure, NOW you're all down with light being both a particle and a wave, and everybody's going around discussing how you can know an electron's location OR it's momentum, but NEVER both, and HOW many times have I been at a tedious dinner party listening to some pretentious buffoon go on about the standard deviation of position σ_x and the standard deviation of momentum σ...  BUT-  When Schroedinger first considered it he basically said 'What a load of crap!  You might as well say that you can use math to prove that my cat is simultaneously dead and alive!'*

It was not intended to be the basis for a million oh-so-clever science references on Big Bang Theory.  It was what we in the Vizsla trade refer to as a reductio ad absurdum that got taken WAY too seriously.

Oh forget it.  Take a minute to look at Ryan Gosling's abs to clear your pretty little head and come back to me when you've calmed down.

*It would have sounded WAY classier when he said it, because it would have been in German.

3:  Border Healers are, for some reason, afraid of the ironing board.

Also the Vacuum cleaner.  And the Christmas tree.  And air.

4:  Daddy looks good in a suit

You'd be amazed how many people don't notice this.

5:  The fifth element is Boron

Not adamant.
Not quintessence.
CERTAINLY not Love.

It's Boron, people.

It's never saved the world from sexy french aliens,
but it IS a created by cosmic ray spallation and not by steller nuclearsynthesis,
so in this instance Bruce Willis can go suck it.

Vizsla out.  You may now recommence staring at Ryan Gosling.

Things that Vizsla's do not do.

I know that it's easy to look at a Vizsla and think, 'Hey, there is nothing that they can't do'

And you would of course be right.

There are however several things that the Vizsla will not do.  Because Vizsla's are different than people.  And by different I mean better.  And yes, I totally stole that line from Better off Ted.  (Seriously - Portia DiRossi.  SOMEBODY find that woman a long term vehicle!)

Things that Vizsla's do NOT do-



Judge

Hey, you could have spent your day being a psychotic self-obsessed dictator who moved all his missiles to his border with South Korea that morning.  Come nightfall I would still totally let you rub my belly.  Because that's how vizslas roll.

and while we're on the subject...



Move All Their Missiles to Their Border With South Korea.

Not cool, Un.  Not cool.


However you're in luck, because Vizsla's also do not...


Hold a Grudge 

That's right.  Even if you are the Border Healer that has totally been biting my ankle ALL day long, I will still totally spoon with you.  I will spoon the CRAP out of you.  Because I weight three times what you do and forget that a lot of the time.  So I'm hoping you also do not hold grudges


Get involved in a land war in Asia

It's one of the classic blunders, you know. Also never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  Also wear sunscreen.


Jump out of a canoe in the middle of a lake

because apparently that's 'wrong'


Tear up plants and throw them all over grandpa's house

No sir.  Never would.  Why would you even ask?


Lie

Ok, I totally destroyed Grandpa's house.  I was young.  And it made me really sick.  Can we call that even?


Become the Bass Player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers

No opposable thumbs.