Spring Forward, Fall Over

It's recently* come to my attention that roughly half of the world doesn't observe Daylight Savings Time.

*Recently in this case meaning ten minutes ago while doing the admittedly minimal amount of research required for this article.

This is too bad, because the practice has a variety of uses which we'll get to in a moment.  First however, a quick word for those in Africa, Asia, South America, and (curiously) half of Australia.

Daylight Savings Time is the practice of adjusting your clocks to take more advantage of the hours the sun is out.  In practical terms this means that in the Spring you adjust your clock forward an hour (it gets dark later in the Summer) and in the Fall you adjust your clock back an hour (nothing interesting happens in the early morning in the winter)

It's use first dates to 1916 Germany, which means that oversleeping for a meeting in April is something that you can legitimately blame Franz Ferdinand* for. 

*No, the Guy.  Not the band.  Although God knows the band has enough to answer for.

In the US, Daylight Saving Time has traditionally* started in April and ended in October.  This means that it's a useful little alarm clock for anything that you need to remember to do twice a year.**

*Traditionally in this case meaning since the energy crisis of the early 1970s. 

**Since the Internet happened now no one knows what the difference is between Semiannually and Biannually and even legitimate sources of information have now completely given up even trying to tell people which is which.  If you look up the issue, Britannica basically says, 'People use them interchangeably to mean either twice a year or every other year.  Work your own shit out on this one, because honestly it's far too late to come bitching to us about this.  We were waging a solid defensive war while you were systematically destroying the word 'literally', so at this point you can just fuck right off.'  It's hard to blame them for their bitterness.

The most notable example of this is the campaign to remind people to change the batteries in their smoke detectors.  Twice a year to replace a simple AA battery is probably overkill, but it's not the sort of thing you want to have skimped on when you wake up in a flamey inferno, now is it.

But of course, what we're really here to talk about is drinking.

Until 2005*, as noted above, daylight savings time began in late April and ended in Late October - coinciding nicely with weather pattern shifts. This meant that it was a reliable marker for the most important of all the seasonal changes.  We're speaking of course of Gin Season versus Scotch Season.

*In 2005 then President George W. Bush changed the dates of daylight savings time to March and November.  This is by no means even close to the worst thing he did, but it's still irritating.

The schedule goes as follows -

One week before Daylight Savings time begins - Farewell to Scotch week.

The Winter is over.  The time for a 'Warmer' has more or less passed.  It's a week to really take the time to remember all Scotch has done for you in the previous six months.  Or realize that you can't remember what Scotch has done for you - it's not about judging.

The week after Daylight Savings Time Begins - Gin Homecoming.

At the end of which Gin and Scotch play a big football game.  Everyone wins.

And of course, when Daylight Savings Time ends in the fall the roles reverse. 

The important thing is to remember the reason for the season.

I'm not sure Leo would be down with this...

There's a thing that I'm going to call 'Willum's law of Genre Television Promotion' (feel free to just start referring to it as Willum's Law - I'd like my fame to start as quickly as possible please)

What Willum's Law states is that any genre Television program that has a minimum of five characters and reaches a minimum of it's third season will inevitably produce a promotional image of those characters recreating Leonardo Da Vinci's Last Supper (as popularized by that Dan Brown book a few years ago)

 I'll save you the trouble of Googling it - Here's the original (cleaned up a bit)

I first began to notice the phenomenon a few years back in the following ad for Battlestar Gallactica (new version)

 Now what's interesting to me about this one is that while they've gone out of their way to get the tone of the physicality right, if you look at they don't actually have  one-to-one relationship with the placement of the figures in the original, despite having pretty much enough people to do so.  In fact, what's really interesting is the one person who's placement they've left out altogether. 

In the original painting Judas is this guy...

Now go back and look at the BSG image - it appears that in the Battlestar Gallactica view of things the role of the betrayer will be played by a nice glass of wine.  Which is fair enough, I know wine has betrayed me more than a time or two.

After that it was only appropriate that the painting most known for the web of ridiculous theories surrounding it be used to advertise the Show that could make the same claim...

It's worth noting here that even though they actually have one disciple too many in the picture (and cast Locke as Jesus which calls into question a good deal of Christian Mythology but we'll brush past that) they still have a curiously blank space where Judas should be. 

Perhaps someone just forgot to CGI in the Smoke Monster...

Then we got House...

 Where we note that Dr. House is in imminent danger of being betrayed by some anesthesiological machinery

The Sopranos...

Where the Internet tells me the role of Judas is played by his mother.  I'll have to take the internet's word on this, as I never really watched the show. 

The Internet also just informed me during that last search that The Sopranos image was actually the first and the Lost one was actually one of the Last, but I'm going to have to tell the internet to piss off with this information, as the Vizsla is not heavy into editing.

And I'd much rather be happy than right anyday.

Then we get Bones...

In which there doesn't seem to be a clear Jesus, but at least everyone is happy.  At least until their ultimate betrayal by that container of General Tso's Chicken.


So there you have it demonstrated.  Willum's Law.

Please make use of the term repeatedly until I here it used on The Big Bang Theory

Vizsla out -

Nemeses of the Vizlsa

Taking a brief break from other issues because I've thought of something else important and I have a notoriously short attention sp...oh MY GOD MY TAIL, I CAN TOTALLY SEE MY TAIL, I MUST CATCH MY TAIL!

Ahem.  Where was I now...

Oh right.  Nemeses.

First off, and just to get it out of the way:  It's pronounced ne-ma-SEES.  As in ‘sail the seven’.  That's how the plural of nemesis is pronounced.  It was funny when Buffy didn't know how to pronounce it.  Then the joke was beaten into the ground by every other show ever.  Ne-ma-SEES.  Or SEIZE, if you prefer. That's the joy of homonyms- we can all have our own way.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, doesn't the concept of Nemesis describe an unstoppable force of retribution which will inevitably lead to ones own destruction, thereby making it fundamentally impossibly to have more than one unless you're planning on being ultimately destroyed more than once somehow?   Like perhaps, say, being shot by a mugger while falling on knives as a meteor strikes your home?"

If you want to be snotty about it, sure.  But we throw the term around pretty casually as a culture.  Or, to translate that into your snooty, look-at-me-I-went-to-grad-school-and-will-never-know-the-love-of-a-woman talk, the term has undergone an idiomatic paradigm shift.  There.  Are you happy?

I'm sorry that the rest of you had to hear that.

You may also be saying to yourself, "Self, who are those shadowy threats that keep a vizsla awake at night swearing vengeance?" 

Well, technically no one.  Because as we all know, it is physically impossible to keep a vizsla awake once it is sleepy time.  It comes from our not having any bones.

But all the same, the Vizsla does have nemeses, oh yes.  Those who threaten the vizsla world with such brazen evil, that they should - nay MUST - be destroyed!

or at least barked at a lot.

NEMESES OF THE VIZSLA:

1:  Bunnies

Seriously.  What IS with all the carrots?  What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

They're out there right now, laughing at you.  They know all the ways into your garden and they are not afraid to use them.  The most you can hope for is that one of the cocky little bastards accidentally loses his tiny jacket on his way out.

It's not that I hate bunnies, it’s that they stand for everything evil in the world that must be crushed.

OK, Maybe it is that I hate bunnies.

2:  That guy that keeps stealing our precious garbage

Seriously.  Once a week we proudly display our refuse at the foot of the driveway, you know – just so that the neighbors can all be amazed at the breadth and depth of what all we throw away.  And every week like clockwork some bastard in a big green truck comes by and hoarks it all.  I bark and I bark, but does he even seem fazed?  No he does not.  It ain’t right.


3:  The Ferenghi

Just kidding.  The Fernghi are no one’s nemesis.  Because they suck.

4:  Wil wheaton

Because the Vizlsa is very supportive of Sheldon Cooper.

5:  The declining standards of our age.

Look, I know that every Vizsla of a certain time of life likes to go on about how much better things were when they were a pup, and how the border healers of yesteryear were not nearly so prone to constantly biting their elders back ankles, and how much better treats were back before we cared about gluten.  But dammit, it’s true.

6:  Molybdenum

This one is actually kind of a long story…  just roll with it.

A little known fact

Vizslas do not blog on Sundays.

Things that Vizsla's do not do.

I know that it's easy to look at a Vizsla and think, 'Hey, there is nothing that they can't do'

And you would of course be right.

There are however several things that the Vizsla will not do.  Because Vizsla's are different than people.  And by different I mean better.  And yes, I totally stole that line from Better off Ted.  (Seriously - Portia DiRossi.  SOMEBODY find that woman a long term vehicle!)

Things that Vizsla's do NOT do-



Judge

Hey, you could have spent your day being a psychotic self-obsessed dictator who moved all his missiles to his border with South Korea that morning.  Come nightfall I would still totally let you rub my belly.  Because that's how vizslas roll.

and while we're on the subject...



Move All Their Missiles to Their Border With South Korea.

Not cool, Un.  Not cool.


However you're in luck, because Vizsla's also do not...


Hold a Grudge 

That's right.  Even if you are the Border Healer that has totally been biting my ankle ALL day long, I will still totally spoon with you.  I will spoon the CRAP out of you.  Because I weight three times what you do and forget that a lot of the time.  So I'm hoping you also do not hold grudges


Get involved in a land war in Asia

It's one of the classic blunders, you know. Also never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  Also wear sunscreen.


Jump out of a canoe in the middle of a lake

because apparently that's 'wrong'


Tear up plants and throw them all over grandpa's house

No sir.  Never would.  Why would you even ask?


Lie

Ok, I totally destroyed Grandpa's house.  I was young.  And it made me really sick.  Can we call that even?


Become the Bass Player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers

No opposable thumbs.