Tuesday, May 14, 2013

Nemeses of the Vizlsa

Taking a brief break from other issues because I've thought of something else important and I have a notoriously short attention sp...oh MY GOD MY TAIL, I CAN TOTALLY SEE MY TAIL, I MUST CATCH MY TAIL!

Ahem.  Where was I now...

Oh right.  Nemeses.

First off, and just to get it out of the way:  It's pronounced ne-ma-SEES.  As in ‘sail the seven’.  That's how the plural of nemesis is pronounced.  It was funny when Buffy didn't know how to pronounce it.  Then the joke was beaten into the ground by every other show ever.  Ne-ma-SEES.  Or SEIZE, if you prefer. That's the joy of homonyms- we can all have our own way.

Now you may be thinking to yourself, "Self, doesn't the concept of Nemesis describe an unstoppable force of retribution which will inevitably lead to ones own destruction, thereby making it fundamentally impossibly to have more than one unless you're planning on being ultimately destroyed more than once somehow?   Like perhaps, say, being shot by a mugger while falling on knives as a meteor strikes your home?"

If you want to be snotty about it, sure.  But we throw the term around pretty casually as a culture.  Or, to translate that into your snooty, look-at-me-I-went-to-grad-school-and-will-never-know-the-love-of-a-woman talk, the term has undergone an idiomatic paradigm shift.  There.  Are you happy?

I'm sorry that the rest of you had to hear that.

You may also be saying to yourself, "Self, who are those shadowy threats that keep a vizsla awake at night swearing vengeance?" 

Well, technically no one.  Because as we all know, it is physically impossible to keep a vizsla awake once it is sleepy time.  It comes from our not having any bones.

But all the same, the Vizsla does have nemeses, oh yes.  Those who threaten the vizsla world with such brazen evil, that they should - nay MUST - be destroyed!

or at least barked at a lot.


1:  Bunnies

Seriously.  What IS with all the carrots?  What do they need such good eyesight for anyway?

They're out there right now, laughing at you.  They know all the ways into your garden and they are not afraid to use them.  The most you can hope for is that one of the cocky little bastards accidentally loses his tiny jacket on his way out.

It's not that I hate bunnies, it’s that they stand for everything evil in the world that must be crushed.

OK, Maybe it is that I hate bunnies.

2:  That guy that keeps stealing our precious garbage

Seriously.  Once a week we proudly display our refuse at the foot of the driveway, you know – just so that the neighbors can all be amazed at the breadth and depth of what all we throw away.  And every week like clockwork some bastard in a big green truck comes by and hoarks it all.  I bark and I bark, but does he even seem fazed?  No he does not.  It ain’t right.

3:  The Ferenghi

Just kidding.  The Fernghi are no one’s nemesis.  Because they suck.

4:  Wil wheaton

Because the Vizlsa is very supportive of Sheldon Cooper.

5:  The declining standards of our age.

Look, I know that every Vizsla of a certain time of life likes to go on about how much better things were when they were a pup, and how the border healers of yesteryear were not nearly so prone to constantly biting their elders back ankles, and how much better treats were back before we cared about gluten.  But dammit, it’s true.

6:  Molybdenum

This one is actually kind of a long story…  just roll with it.

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