And at the Half That's Christians 1, Dinosaurs 4

My current favorite thing on the Internet (other than myself, obviously (and discounting anything Doctor Who related (Oh My God, I haven't looked for Series 9 rumors on the net yet today(OK, back from that now - nothing really new, but there was an interesting bit about Stephen Hawking)))) is a fringe group going by the name of Christians Against Dinosaurs.

One can find their Facebook presence here, and their website proper here.

I should add a note of warning that you can't really see much on their Facebook page without joining, which is fine, but I've also heard vague rumors that they have a bit of a Columbia House Record Club philosophy about letting people unjoin, so you should probably just be aware of that possibility going in.

Now, I know there are a lot of religious fringe groups out there with equally batshit beliefs (and indeed  - as both regular longtime readers will already know, I'm not above spending a happy hour or two trolling their Internet message boards.) What I really like about CAD (if I might use the acronym) is one simple thing-

-I genuinely have NO idea if they're kidding.

Every time you think you've found conclusive proof one way or the other you come across something else that brings everything into question again. 

I mean, for the love of god, one of their website banners just reads 'Stop Big Paleo', and that has simply got to be a joke, right? But then you click on Christian Mom's video immediately below it and all you can do is stare into her crazy eyes and think, 'damn, Christian Mom.  You genuinely believe this, don't you??'

And so on and so on.

Of course, over the last few days my understanding of the name has shifted and now instead of Christians against Dinosaurs, I kind of think of it as Christians versus Dinosaurs, which led to several happy hours imagining what Christian v. Dinosaur interscholastic sporting events might look like -

Tennis - Christians have the edge in agility, plus have opposible thumbs. Dinosaurs get frustrated and stomp on net, eat Christians

Golf - Much the same as Tennis

Bake-Off - Christians make exquisite 4 tier fondant spongecake tower with functional chocolate waterfall. Dinosaurs eat oven.  And Christians.

Quiz Bowl - Christians ring buzzer to answer first question. Dinosaurs get startled and trample all involved

Hot Dog Eating Contest -  At the finish, Christians have eaten 32 hot dogs. Dinosaurs have eaten 567,876 hot dogs and 6 Christians.

And after that they kind of fall into a pattern. (But if anyone out there wants to make an animated web series of this I promise to like the crap out of it.)



.     .    .    .    .    .    .    .    .



After a little more digging, I've come across what I think is the reality of the situation.  And is so often the case, it is so much better than you'd expected it to be.

In a nutshell, the implication is that the good folks at CAD - having been so fed up with the general state of douchiness on the Internet in general - specifically hand crafted a cause to be SO ridiculous, SO mockable, and SO apparently sincere, that it brought out the hard line trolls on BOTH sides of the spectrum into the full light of day.  It was essentially designed as a clearinghouse of the worst of the worst of both religious fundamentalist commenters AND smug hipster douchebags who like to spend a lot of time making fun of other people's religious beliefs anonymously on the Internet. The end game (if one believes this theory) being that it would ultimately make it obvious to the casual observer that this... THIS is why we can't have nice things.

I'm a huge fan of people finding effective ways of communicating the message that the whole world would be a better place if we all made an effort to be less of a giant dick from time to time.  A message that stings just a bit, as if you read the first portion of the column, you'll see that I'm exactly who they're talking about.

Well played, Christians.  Well played, Dinosaurs.
Well played.

Tomorrow - All right... we'll talk about the freakin dress.

Pope-in' Ain't Easy

I observed to a few people this morning that is must often be difficult being the Pope.

Actually, I think my exact words were, 'Man being the Pope must be a pain in the ass sometimes.'*

*Does that count as a Hell-worthy trespass?  I honestly don't know.  I swear, I was just thinking of the Pope's feelings.

But then I was thinking that there are obviously a few Pope-perks that come with the job, so maybe it isn't so bad a gig after all.

Since then I've been going back and forth on the issue, and so I've decided to inflict my inner monologue on the subject on you share my thoughts on the topic here.

PRO- Comfy Shoes.

Seriously.  Those things look like you're walking on a cloud.  Although, given the positions direct through-line to the Man Upstairs* perhaps that's exactly why he wears them.  You know, like getting your sea legs, but with cloud legs.

*If you believe in that sort of thing.  Probably a requirement for holding the job, now I think of it...

CON- People constantly asking for you to pray for this, help with that, and give-a-shit about the other.

Honestly - that just HAS to be exhausting

PRO- Being the direct mouthpiece for an Omniscient and Omnipotent higher power.

'Why yes, I'm certain that the answer is 'Albuquerque'.  Oh, you disagree?  I'm sorry, which of us is speaking directly to God?  Damn Straight, Bitch.'

CON- You can almost never just decide to blow off work for a night and go out to the bar with the guys.

Headline, Minneapolis - Pope seen in vicious barfight at The Mermaid.  Story at 11.  Yeah, that's going to go down well.

PRO- The hat is pretty cool.

No, seriously.  The hat IS pretty cool.

CON- Probably have to learn Latin.

Unless the big Mass-tionary has everything spelled out phonetically, which seems unlikely.

PRO- Get to pick your own cool Pope name.

Much like picking your superhero or stripper name (although almost no popes to date have used the 'Childhood Pet plus Street you grew up on' formula.)  Sadly popes thus far seem to have kept it fairly under control, which is a real disappointment to those of us waiting for Pope Yartek, Leader of the Alien Voord I

I don't know... Seems like six of one, half a dozen of the other really.

Do they have a six month trial pope period?

Vizsla Flashback - Forward Planning - Not a Campus Crusade for Christ Strength Area

A fair few years ago, during my Freshman year of College, I came across a large number of photocopied pictures of Jesus dumped in the dorm hallway recycling bin.

I have no idea where they cam from, probably some sort of recruitment rally for the incoming students by one of the various pro-Jesus lobbying groups on campus - possibly the Campus Crusade for Christ, as I'm pretty sure they were involved with the rest of this story.  For some reason the Freshman year of college is particularly prone to a subsection of students discovering religion in a serious and enthusiastic way.  Also, they tend to put on about 15 pounds.  Make of the correlation there what you will.

I lived in the dorms that year, and not being a member of the subsection that found religion, I picked up the stack of pictures of Jesus, got a sharpie, and wrote across one of them 'Mikey, thanks for everything- Jesus'.
This I taped to the outside of my dorm room door.

Now, as funny as I thought this was at the time, I'm pretty sure the amusement factor would have worn off in a day or so, but for the fact that two days later my autographed picture of Jesus was unceremoniously stolen.*

*A case the campus police have yet to crack, I might add.

The Thief in question however was missing the important bit of information located in the opening paragraph.  I had not found A picture of Jesus in the recycling bin.  I had found a stack of pictures of Jesus in the recycling bin.  And so, that same evening, after walking to the campus bookstore to purchase a gold autographing pen so that the whole thing would have more of a sense of occasion, I replaced the autographed picture of Jesus with a new one bearing the inscription, 'Mikey - I can never thank you enough for fixing me up with that foxy Mary Magdalene.  All my best - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day.

It was replaced that night with a newly autographed 'Mikey - Those chicks were mad crazy.  Promise me you'll never show anyone the pictures!  You're the Man! - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day and was replaced with a stern page long handwritten note outline some fundamental objections to my decoration policies.

Night four's autograph read, 'Mikey - No one must ever find those four kilos of Brazilian Heroin.  Your pal - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day, but sadly no further correspondence was left in its place.

I don't recall what night five's inscription was, but I'm relatively sure it was more offensive than night four's.

On Day seven I came home to find a blackened scorch mark exactly the size and shape of my autographed picture of Jesus in the middle of my dorm room door because someone had set fire to whatever Jesus had signed the picture with that day.

I went ahead and replaced the picture with a new (and one assumes, more offensive) version, but let's take a second with the implications of this...

If they saw the picture on a daily basis, odds are that they themselves live in the building.

The building that they had just set on fire.

See, this is why more people don't take religious fundamentalism seriously.

Vizsla Flashback - Some Uninformed Thoughts About Snakes and Religion

So I was thinking about snakehandling.

Not about actually doing it, of course.  Because, you know - snakes.

But for some reason <cough> Nyquil <cough> this afternoon I found myself thinking about what exactly, in the mind of the snakehandler, is the point of snakehandling as a religion.  What the point is in the mind of the snake is somewhat clearer, and usually runs along the lines of:

SNAKE (POISONOUS)

'Man, what a nice day under the heat lamp.  

Hey!  Hey, what the Hell do you think you're do.... 

OK buddy... put me down.  No.  Seriously.  Put me down.  

I am totally going to bite you if you don't put me down 

right now.  Right.  FREAKIN.  NOW!  

 Holy crap, is that my tail all the way down there?'

Little known fact - all snakes think in screenplay format.

So I've boiled down some theories as to what exactly the Snakehandler thinks the point of the exercise is-

A:  It makes them look a lot more badass than Episcopalians, and that in itself makes it worth doing.
B:  It's symbolically reclaiming the metaphorical source of original sin and shaking it until it pees itself.
C:  It's both a sign of faith and a confirmation that you still have the blessings of the Lord.  Like one of those focus group trust exercises, but with fangs.
D:  There tends to be a lot of genetic deterioration due to inbreeding in the areas where snakehandling is most widely practiced.
E:  All of the above.

So... Forward Planning was clearly not a Crusade 'Strength Area'...

A fair few years ago, during my Freshman year of College, I came across a large number of photocopied pictures of Jesus dumped in the dorm hallway recycling bin.

I have no idea where they cam from, probably some sort of recruitment rally for the incoming students by one of the various pro-Jesus lobbying groups on campus - possibly the Campus Crusade for Christ, as I'm pretty sure they were involved with the rest of this story.  For some reason the Freshman year of college is particularly prone to a subsection of students discovering religion in a serious and enthusiastic way.  Also, they tend to put on about 15 pounds.  Make of the correlation there what you will.

I lived in the dorms that year, and not being a member of the subsection that found religion, I picked up the stack of pictures of Jesus, got a sharpie, and wrote across one of them 'Mikey, thanks for everything- Jesus'.
This I taped to the outside of my dorm room door.

Now, as funny as I thought this was at the time, I'm pretty sure the amusement factor would have worn off in a day or so, but for the fact that two days later my autographed picture of Jesus was unceremoniously stolen.*

*A case the campus police have yet to crack, I might add.

The Thief in question however was missing the important bit of information located in the opening paragraph.  I had not found A picture of Jesus in the recycling bin.  I had found a stack of pictures of Jesus in the recycling bin.  And so, that same evening, after walking to the campus bookstore to purchase a gold autographing pen so that the whole thing would have more of a sense of occasion, I replaced the autographed picture of Jesus with a new one bearing the inscription, 'Mikey - I can never thank you enough for fixing me up with that foxy Mary Magdalene.  All my best - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day.

It was replaced that night with a newly autographed 'Mikey - Those chicks were mad crazy.  Promise me you'll never show anyone the pictures!  You're the Man! - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day and was replaced with a stern page long handwritten note outline some fundamental objections to my decoration policies.

Night four's autograph read, 'Mikey - No one must ever find those four kilos of Brazilian Heroin.  Your pal - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day, but sadly no further correspondence was left in its place.

I don't recall what night five's inscription was, but I'm relatively sure it was more offensive than night four's.

On Day seven I came home to find a blackened scorch mark exactly the size and shape of my autographed picture of Jesus in the middle of my dorm room door because someone had set fire to whatever Jesus had signed the picture with that day.

I went ahead and replaced the picture with a new (and one assumes more offensive) version, but let's take a second with the implications of this...

If they saw the picture on a daily basis, odds are that they themselves live in the building.

The building that they had just set on fire.

See, this is why more people don't take religious fundamentalism seriously.

Some uninformed thoughts about snakes and religion

So I was thinking about snakehandling.

Not about actually doing it, of course.  Because, you know - snakes.

But for some reason <cough> Nyquil <cough> this afternoon I found myself thinking about what exactly, in the mind of the snakehandler, is the point of snakehandling as a religion.  What the point is in the mind of the snake is somewhat clearer, and usually runs along the lines of:

SNAKE (POISONOUS)

'Man, what a nice day under the heat lamp.  

Hey!  Hey, what the Hell do you think you're do.... 

OK buddy... put me down.  No.  Seriously.  Put me down.  

I am totally going to bite you if you don't put me down 

right now.  Right.  FREAKIN.  NOW!  

 Holy crap, is that my tail all the way down there?'

Little known fact - all snakes think in screenplay format.

So I've boiled down some theories as to what exactly the Snakehandler thinks the point of the exercise is-

A:  It makes them look a lot more badass than Episcopalians, and that in itself makes it worth doing.
B:  It's symbolically reclaiming the metaphorical source of original sin and shaking it until it pees itself.
C:  It's both a sign of faith and a confirmation that you still have the blessings of the Lord.  Like one of those focus group trust exercises, but with fangs.
D:  There tends to be a lot of genetic deterioration due to inbreeding in the areas where snakehandling is most widely practiced.
E:  All of the above.

I can't prove the existence of God, but I can prove the existence of spellcheck

As longtime readers (all three of you) will by now be aware - I occasionally like to spend a little quality time browsing through the comment boards on far right wing evangelical websites.

This is either a commitment to remaining aware of the current state of radical American politics, or a manifestation of self-hatred.  Could go either way, to be honest.

I should mention that such things in Internet-parlance are generally referred to as 'trolling' (e.g. maintaining a presence on comment boards that are in direct ideological opposition to your own views for the sole purpose of stirring the regular posters there up by making snarky comments.  V=Kn)

Now, before I go on - A few disclaimers.

1:  You are never going to solve anything with anyone by debating it on the Internet. 

2:  If you engage in an argument on the Internet comment boards (I'd say 'debate', but I just can't bring myself to be that generous) You are actively becoming part of the problem, not fixing anything.

3:  If you care at all about spelling or grammar you should never go withing three thousand miles of the Internet.  Seriously, it's where the souls of English majors go to die.

The counterpoint to each being -

1a: We all know that, and yet sometimes it's so hard to resist.

2a: We all know that, and yet sometimes it's so hard to resist.

3a:  If you've taken that advice you're not here reading it.


So it is with no small amount of hypocrisy that I continue with this story.

The other day I encountered the following post on one of the particularly egregious sites.  

"That's an obomination." <sic>

Now, I had to take a minute with this one, because it's not always possible to tell if they're deliberately misspelling something to be insulting, (Demon-crap for Democrat is a particular favorite.) or if it they were just stupid. (usually a safe bet.)

'So after a while I posted in response 'Either you're going for 'abomination', or 'Obamanation'.  I'm not sure which.  But in either case you have lost your 'A'.'

Which is when I discovered that I was no longer allowed to post on Onenewsnow, because apparently a few years of pointing out spelling errors, grammar errors and logical inconsistency leads moderaters to no want to hear what you have to say anymore.

Which, ironically, brings me back in line with the three rules that I was ignoring above.

I'm going to call that a win.

-Vizsla out