Sunday, January 11, 2015

Vizsla Flashback - Forward Planning - Not a Campus Crusade for Christ Strength Area

A fair few years ago, during my Freshman year of College, I came across a large number of photocopied pictures of Jesus dumped in the dorm hallway recycling bin.

I have no idea where they cam from, probably some sort of recruitment rally for the incoming students by one of the various pro-Jesus lobbying groups on campus - possibly the Campus Crusade for Christ, as I'm pretty sure they were involved with the rest of this story.  For some reason the Freshman year of college is particularly prone to a subsection of students discovering religion in a serious and enthusiastic way.  Also, they tend to put on about 15 pounds.  Make of the correlation there what you will.

I lived in the dorms that year, and not being a member of the subsection that found religion, I picked up the stack of pictures of Jesus, got a sharpie, and wrote across one of them 'Mikey, thanks for everything- Jesus'.
This I taped to the outside of my dorm room door.

Now, as funny as I thought this was at the time, I'm pretty sure the amusement factor would have worn off in a day or so, but for the fact that two days later my autographed picture of Jesus was unceremoniously stolen.*

*A case the campus police have yet to crack, I might add.

The Thief in question however was missing the important bit of information located in the opening paragraph.  I had not found A picture of Jesus in the recycling bin.  I had found a stack of pictures of Jesus in the recycling bin.  And so, that same evening, after walking to the campus bookstore to purchase a gold autographing pen so that the whole thing would have more of a sense of occasion, I replaced the autographed picture of Jesus with a new one bearing the inscription, 'Mikey - I can never thank you enough for fixing me up with that foxy Mary Magdalene.  All my best - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day.

It was replaced that night with a newly autographed 'Mikey - Those chicks were mad crazy.  Promise me you'll never show anyone the pictures!  You're the Man! - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day and was replaced with a stern page long handwritten note outline some fundamental objections to my decoration policies.

Night four's autograph read, 'Mikey - No one must ever find those four kilos of Brazilian Heroin.  Your pal - Jesus'

This disappeared the following day, but sadly no further correspondence was left in its place.

I don't recall what night five's inscription was, but I'm relatively sure it was more offensive than night four's.

On Day seven I came home to find a blackened scorch mark exactly the size and shape of my autographed picture of Jesus in the middle of my dorm room door because someone had set fire to whatever Jesus had signed the picture with that day.

I went ahead and replaced the picture with a new (and one assumes, more offensive) version, but let's take a second with the implications of this...

If they saw the picture on a daily basis, odds are that they themselves live in the building.

The building that they had just set on fire.

See, this is why more people don't take religious fundamentalism seriously.

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