Friday, January 9, 2015

With Thanks to Michele Bachmann

Well, here in the US a new Congress has been sworn in, which means that we are now - at last - free of Former Minnesota Representative (and Poster Child for Delusional Psychosis) Michele Bachmann.

Ms. Bachmann, who has spent these last many years on the House Intelligence Committee in what can only be described as 'an act of irony', left office at the end of the year with the stated goal of spending more time with her impending jail-time for a fairly impressive number of ethics violations.

For those whop have so far remained blissfully unaware of her existence - the easiest thing to do is imagine Idi Amin, drop his IQ about 60 points, and funnel what you have left into the body of Miss Butter Queen 1987.  Shellac heavily. 

Of course, being a reasonable woman, Ms. Bachmann's first act upon leaving office was to take credit for falling gas prices.*

*The brief back story - Back in 2011 when Michele was attempting to run for President of the US she infamously promised that if she was elected she would personally bring gas prices down from nearly $4.00 a gallon to below $2.00/gallon. She was not elected, however gas HAS just dipped below $2.00/gallon, and because Michele doesn't really get causation, she's decided it was all thanks to her.

To be clear - the price of gasoline in the US is set by a huge number of incredibly complex factors, absolutely none of which have anything to do with any US elected official.

However, since the new rule is 'If it happened in 2014 it must clearly be thanks to Michele Bachmann, I offer up some other fun events that were clearly totally Michele's doing...

She caused The Ludian Earthquake in Yunnan province, China, killing 617 people.

Over 12,000 homes were destroyed and a further 112 people are still missing.  All Michele's fault.

She made Bill Cosby drug and rape all those women (allegedly)

OK, Officially all Michele is directly responsible for this year is the story actually being covered by the media in 2014 as more women came forward.  To see all of her hard work forcing Bill to commit the actual drugging and raping you'll need to review her notes going back to the 70s

She caused the polar vortex

Early in 2014, using only her power of righteousness, Michele single handedly pulled in that enormous arctic front that gave the entire midwest the coldest and longest winter we've seen in some little while, thus conclusively proving that there's no such thing as global warming because it's totally cold outside and cold and warm mean different things, right?

She made the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles movie

Oh Michele... No one deserves Megan Fox.

She forced the 7th Heaven dad to become a child molester.

The less said about this one the better.  How could you, Michele Bachmann.  How could you.

She Personally created Cyclone's Anne and Christina

And sent them forth to wreak havoc upon France, the UK and Ireland.  In her defense, she'd heard a rumor that there were gay people there, so she had no choice.

She shot and killed Archie.

ARCHIE, man! Freakin' ARCHIE!

And so, as you can see, Michele Bachmann has had a busy year, what with being solely responsible for every single thing that happened in the world, regardless of whether or not it was in any way connected to her. 

We'll miss her now that she's gone.

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