It's Always Sad to Lose a Topic Young

It may not have escaped the notice of a few of you that it has now been about a week and a half since I posted anything*

*Not even a Flashback - and come on, that's just lazy.  They're like no effort whatsoever.

While I don't entirely have an excuse for that, I can tell you that while it may be true that I haven't posted a column for 9 odd days, I have actually made several attempts to write them.

Unfortunately, they all crashed and burned like mere tiny zygote's of column ideas, withering before they could achieve viability, and that's as far as I'm going to take that particular metaphor because it's already starting to feel creepy.

So, for the sake of the public record, here is a summation of...

The Columns That Almost Were

 

- Ways To Describe Your Sack

A few days ago I became marginally interested in finding out what the difference was between a Rucksack, a Napsack, and a Backback.  Long story short - not much. Straps, carries stuff, hiking.  The only marginally interesting thing about it was that a Napsack and a Rucksack both specified waterproof material whereas a backpack doesn't care if your shit gets wet.

It's a shame, because I'd already thought of the above title and it seemed like a shame not to use it.

- Some reasons why I hate Matt Walsh

The douchebag online smug-factory, not the Improv Performer in the Washington DC area. 

But honestly, this one pretty much explains itself.  Still fun to imagine throat punching him though.

It's also worth noting that thinking about this topic caused me to miss my off-ramp and get lost in some backroads on my way to work the other morning, so I sort of feel like Mr. Walsh won this one.  The prick.

- A recreation of the Lincoln-Douglas debate as reenacted by a Teacup Pig and a Slow Loris 

I love the idea, and the visuals are freakin' awesome.  But then it feels like there might be a lot of research involved, so let's all just take a moment to picture the scene in our heads and move on.

Aw look... Lincoln is peeling a grape with his adorable little hands...

-A defense of why I refuse to stop using two spaces after a period no matter what the Millenials' style guides say I should do.

But after thinking about it with great indignation for some time I started kind of agreeing with them and now I might actually stop using more than one space if only to make editing my Whatculture articles a bit quicker, so now I have officially betrayed my own convictions before actually bothering to write a manifesto about them.

Which isn't so bad really I suppose, and one could only wish that Mr. Walsh had the courtesy to do the same thing on occasion.  Particularly as regards his particularly rank discussion of suicide...

 

Vizsla Flashback - Let's Try To Stay On Topic, People

A little note of explanation first-

One of the cool features of blogspot is that it tells you the countries that your readers are in.

This is how I know that the Vizlsa has a few readers in Russia, a couple in Germany, and one in Singapore.

To you I say, respectively, Zdravstvujtye, Guten Tag, and Hey there Nick.

It's to you that I preface this piece-  In the US we have a game we call 'Football' that is completely NOT the game that the rest of the planet calls 'Football'  It's more like playing rugby while dressed up as a robot.

We also have something we call a 'world series' to which we don't invite any other countries to compete.*  That's just how we roll.

*OK, Canada.  But they don't really count

I should also mention that I don't include the UK readers in this introductory explanation as they have been cheerfully mocking us for all these things for years and thus are already up to speed.   Hey there Mr. Quinn, all the same.

SO

A few years back, my Father and I had season tickets to the Vikings (on the off chance that we acquire readership in Norway at some stage, that's the name of the local football team.  I'm not entirely sure whether I need to apologize for it or not, so I'll just move on...)

The Vikings have a long and not particularly productive rivalry with the Green Bay Packers (that's the team from Wisconsin.  It's another of the states in the middle.  It's named after their then-flourishing meat-packing industry.  Just roll with this for the moment.)

So, anytime the Vikings and Packers play a game against each other, people get pretty worked up about it.  (That's 'worked up' by American standards.  Roughly one-third the level of Manchester United)  During these games people spend a lot of time shouting about how the other team sucks by using such clever slogans as 'your team sucks'

Which is all well and good, when those happen to be the two teams playing.

One of the problems - one of the MANY problems - with average Vikings fans (and I actually am one, so I'm not just being bitchy here) is that they tend to feel SO much hostility towards the Packers that they feel the need to shout about them regardless of WHO the Vikings happen to be playing at that moment.

Which seems like a waste of effort to me.

This leads to a lot of conversations at games along the lines of-

"Packers suck!"
"We're playing the Ravens, aren't we?"
"Packers suck!"
"I don't think they're even playing today..."
"Packers suck!"
"Are we watching the same game?"

And then things go downhill from there.

And so, one particularly cold December afternoon, the Vikings had just won a game against some team that was steadfastly insisting on NOT being the Green Bay Packers.  I think it was The Buccaneers or something. (Do we need to apologize to Pirates for this one?)

A large and particularly beer soaked fan walking out of the dome shouted 'Vikings rule!'  Which, if nothing else, was at least relevant to what we'd just been watching.  Plus they HAD actually won, so- fair enough.

A larger and more beer soaked fan next to him responded in kind with 'Packers suck!'

At which point I yelled at the top of my lungs 'I hate peas!', on the principle that if we were going to start yelling out things that had nothing to do with today's game, it might as well be on a topic I was interested in.

There was a moment of confused silence.

Then the woman walking next to me turned to me and said, her voice full of amazement at the liberating step the conversation at taken, 'You're right!  Peas Suck!!'

It was at this point that several of the fans in the immediate vicinity picked up on what was going on and joined in with a mighty chant of 'Vikings rule!  Peas suck!'  Which they repeatedly at larger and larger volume all the way to the parking ramp.

I suppose the moral of the story is that is they're going to refuse to stay on topic anyway, you might as well keep yourself amused.

Vizsla rules.

Peas suck.

Let's try to stay on topic, people

A little note of explanation first-

One of the cool features of blogspot is that it tells you the countries that your readers are in.

This is how I know that the Vizlsa has a few readers in Russia, a couple in Germany, and one in Singapore.

To you I say, respectively, Zdravstvujtye, Guten Tag, and Hey there Nick.

It's to you that I preface this piece-  In the US we have a game we call 'Football' that is completely NOT the game that the rest of the planet calls 'Football'  It's more like playing rugby while dressed up as a robot. 

We also have something we call a 'world series' to which we don't invite any other countries to compete.*  That's just how we roll.

*OK, Canada.  But they don't really count

I should also mention that I don't include the UK readers in this introductory explanation as they have been cheerfully mocking us for all these things for years and thus are already up to speed.   Hey there Mr. Quinn, all the same.

SO

A few years back, daddy and Grampa had season tickets to the Vikings (on the off chance that we acquire readership in Norway at some stage, that's the name of the local football team.  I'm not entirely sure whether I need to apologize for it or not, so I'll just move on...)

The Vikings have a long and not particularly productive rivalry with the Green Bay Packers (that's the team from Wisconsin.  It's another of the states in the middle.  It's named after their then-flourishing meat-packing industry.  Just roll with this for the moment.)

So, anytime the Vikings and Packers play a game against each other, people get pretty worked up about it.  (That's 'worked up' by American standards.Roughly one-third the level of Manchester United)  During these games people spend a lot of time shouting about how the other team sucks by using such clever slogans as 'your team sucks'

Which is all well and good, when those happen to be the two teams playing.

One of the problems - one of the MANY problems - with average Vikings fans (and I actually am one, so I'm not just being bitchy here) is that they tend to feel SO much hostility towards the packers that they feel the need to shout about them regardless of WHO the Vikings happen to be playing at that moment.

Which seems like a waste of effort to me.

This leads to a lot of conversations at games along the lines of-

"Packers suck!"
"We're playing the Ravens, aren't we?"
"Packers suck!"
"I don't think they're even playing today..."
"Packers suck!"
"Are we watching the same game?"

And then things go downhill from there.

And so, one particularly cold December afternoon, the Vikings had just won a game against some team that was steadfastly insisting on NOT being the Green Bay Packers.  I think it was The Buccaneers or something. (Do we need to apologize to Pirates for this one?)

A large and particularly beer soaked fan walking out of the dome shouted 'Vikings rule!'  Which, if nothing else, was at least relevant to what we'd just been watching.  Plus they HAD actually won, so- fair enough.

A larger and more beer soaked fan next to him responded in kind with 'Packers suck!'

At which point daddy yelled at the top of his lungs 'I hate peas!' on the principle that if we were going to start yelling out things that had nothing to do with today's game, it might as well be about a topic he was interested in.

There was a moment of confused silence.

Then the woman walking next to daddy turned to him and said, her voice full of amazement at the liberating step the conversation at taken, 'You're right!  Peas Suck!!'

It was at this point that several of the fans in the immediate vicinity picked up on what was going on and joined in with a mighty chant of 'Vikings rule!  Peas suck!'  Which they repeatedly at larger and larger volume all the way to the parking ramp.

I suppose the moral of the story is that is they're going to refuse to stay on topic anyway, you might as well keep yourself amused.

Vizsla rules. 

Peas suck.