The Subtleties of Poo Transfer

A few years back now I was diagnosed with an H. Pylori infection. For those fortunate enough not to be familiar with the microscopic bastards in question, they're bacteria that have found a way to live in stomach acid. As tiny parasites, alone they're irrelevant, but when they gather in large numbers they can cause discomfort and nausea. Much like the Tea Party.

Typically this is a simple infection to clear up with a shout of antibiotics.  Unfortunately, two things prohibit this for me -

1: I'm allergic to pretty much all of the effective antibiotics

2: I'd just as soon not have my throat swell shut and die.

I ended up having to spend three weeks taking seventeen lesser antibiotics every single friggin' day - by the end of which I was actively hoping to be killed by falling airplane waste.

So as you might imagine, I was less than thrilled to discover recently that chronic stomach issues might be a recurrence of the same thing.*

*The other options are Ulcer, Gall Bladder failure, and imminent Alien protrusion.  It's a crap shoot at this point.

First they sent me in for an ultrasound, which appears to have eliminated both gall bladder and Alien (although not definitively). To determine the presence of H. Pylori required some labwork. Which meant delivering unto them a sample.  Of poo.

Friends, there is no casual way to hand a stranger a small vile of your own poo.

It simply cannot be done.

Even amongst the closet of friends such an exchange can be difficult. For example, apparently such a thing is not an appropriate Christmas gift...

Here then, because I am super helpful, are some suggestions for making your poo handoff come out just a little more smoothly.

-The 'Drop and Run'.
A variation of 'Look, what's that on fire over there', followed by dropping your kids off at the pool and running for dear life - the most crucial part of successfully achieving this one is to have your sample clearly labelled.  Otherwise you don't get any credit for it and end up having to do the whole thing overt again.

-The 'High Five'
What clinic receptionist wouldn't be pleasantly surprised to get a perky morning High Five?  Sure, He (or she) might be a little disconcerted by discovering a sample of fecal matter left in their hand afterwards, but I bet they'd be so amused by the whole thing that they'd totally just laugh it off. 

For bonus points you could try the 'Up High. Down Low. Straight Through. Here's Poo'

-The 'Really Cool Bartender'
This requires that the receptionist has a really log (and relatively slick) counter and that they are sitting at one end of it.  Careful not to overshoot, or you'll again have to start over. The bonus part however is that if you pull it off correctly you never have to get particularly close to them, and how often can you say that about someone holding your feces?

-The 'Owning It'
 Walk in and calmly announce in a loud and confident voice, 'I am here to drop off a sample of my own feces. Which I have personally collected within the requested time frame and secured in the provided container. Take my feces, and do what tests you will. For I am comfortable with this, our interaction.'

That look she will give you?  That look is respect.


You're Welcome.

Be Sexier Now!

Hello Gentlemen, I'm here to announce an incredible opportunity for you

We here at the Vizsla have done the research for you, and thoughtfully provide this handy chart of things that you can do right now to make yourself more sexually attractive.  Keep in mind these findings are all supported by actual statistics, and in no way are just pulled out of anyone's butt.  No sir.

BATHE - 13.6% Sexier

It's true.  It urns out that research supports that not looking filthy and smelling like the inside of a jockstrap actually increases your sexual desirability.*

*With the exception of a 2.5% swing percentage of the population who are into that sort of thing.  It's not about judging.

LEARNING TO PLAY THE BANJO - 7.2% Sexier

Data clearly proves that a man who can play the Banjo is 7.2% sexier than lesser men. This is science talking, people.  Simply holding a Banjo will increase a man's sexiness by 2.8%.  This bump disappears however if, upon being asked to play the aforementioned Banjo, said man simply breaks down into tears* and runs away.

*With the exception of a 2.5% swing percentage of the population who are into that sort of thing.  It's not about judging.

KNOWING A LOT ABOUT DOCTOR WHO - 4.1% Sexier.

This is science talking, people.  Science.

LIFTING WEIGHTS A LOT AND GETTING REALLY BUFF - .6% Sexier

See.  Just .6%.  Now, doesn't that justify your decision in middle school to stay home reading comic books instead of joining the football team?  You bet your ass it does.  Hey, Mr. 1% Body fat - Do you have a complete near-mint run of Sandman issues 1-75?  No.  No, I didn't think so.

RESCUING A DROWNING BEAR - 46% Sexier.

First, Check out this news item.  Now, empirically if we look at Adam we can see - objectively- that he isn't particularly attractive, per-se.  HOWEVER.... THE MAN IS RESCUE SWIMMING A FREAKING 400 LB BLACK BEAR OUT OF DANGER.  

Adam clearly wins.  I'm just going under the assumption that there was a violent scrum of folk waiting to pleasure him the second he got back onto the beach, and that he therefore joins Canadian Astronaut Chris Hadfield and Curator of Mammals Kristofer Helgen in the 'Tonight, When You Make Love to Your Woman, She Will Be Thinking of Me' club*

*Would it be wrong to get that printed on a T-shirt and send one to each of the three Gentlemen?  Would anyone else buy one?

Thanks you.  We hope this information has been helpful.

Congratulations! You're a Monster!

First of all, let us reassure you that as bewildered and confused as you are undoubtedly feeling at this moment, it will certainly get better.  So take a moment, get a few deep breaths (if you still feel the need and have the capacity (We'll get to that in a moment)) and find your happy place.

You have, in all likelihood, just awoken in a strange environment with little to no idea how you've arrived there. Possibly you have some minor wounds about the neck, face or throat, and you woke up clutching the pamphlet which you are currently reading.  You may be in the woods, crypt, mausoleum, or - in rare circumstances - Mexican strip club.

We are proud to be able to tell you that you are the proud participant in our brand new Monster Orientation Outreach Initiative (MOOI).

For many many years - centuries even - the main handicap that new monsters face upon their first arising is simply a heck of a lot of questions and diddly-poop for answers.  Well, we at MOOI have created this program using recently made available government funds in order to address this critical problem.

We sincerely hope that this makes the experience more pleasant for everyone involved.

Feedback can be submitted online at www.MonsterOrientationOutreachInitiativeFeedbackHotline.org, 

or in person at Famous Daves, Beloit, Wisconsin.  Ask for Vicki.

 

1. Accepting the situation

As you've probably already understood from the introductory paragraph, we must inform you that you are now a Monster.

We realize that this can be a difficult transition for many of you, so feel free to take a moment before proceeding.

All settled in with the concept?

Good, we'll proceed.

Now, we at MOOI recognize that the word 'Monster' has, in our modern times, been given a highly undeserved pejorative patina, so we would like to reassure you of the following - Being a 'Monster' in no way makes you a 'Bad Person'.  or 'Bad Ex-Person', as the case may be.  Outside of the occasional blind-rage-fueled-killing-spree/Insatiable-blood-lust, you're still the same ole' good hearted Becky-Sue from East Moline (substitute your own name/attribution here)

So take a moment at the first opportunity to look right in a mirror, and - assuming you still cast a reflection therein- look yourself right in the eyes and say '(Insert Name Here).  I am a monster.  And I LIKE me.'

Repeat as often as necessary to keep that self-esteem up.  A positive self-image is VERY important to new monsters.

2. Identifying type and common weaknesses.

It's vital - as a new monster - to be aware of the things that, while they seemed innocuous in the past, will now probably kill you if you aren't careful.

Vampire - 

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a vampire -

- Check the teeth.  Sharp and pointy Canines?  Try thinking really angry.  How about now?
- Examine your neck for signs of entry wound - possibly bite shaped
- feelings of weakness/pernicious anemia
- memory of stranger (possibly acquaintance) biting your throat and forcing you to drink their blood in return.  (in which case you really should accept at least partial responsibility for the situation yourself.)

Things to watch out for

-Crosses.  Yes, I'm sorry, devoutly Catholic newly made Vampire, but unfortunately you know live as mockery to the very Lord you once served and pollute his holy works.  Sorry about that.  Mass is probably a no-go for you.
 -Garlic.  Now, we feel for you on this one.  Garlic is delicious and has many health benefits.  However you're pretty much immortal now anyway, so take some solace in that (See Section 4)
 -Running Water.  Yes, I don't know why either, but there it is.
 -Sunlight.  OK, this one is a biggie.  Do not be fooled into thinking SPF 4000 is going to handle it.  Seriously.  Just stay out of the sun.

Werewolf -

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Werewolf -

- Did you find yourself waking up naked in the woods?
-Quickly check your body for scratches or bites.  They will probably be healing fairly quickly, so you'll want to get on that right away.
-Memory of being attacked by a large animal, but wake next to the dead body of a naked man?  Sure, we all had that happen in college, but this time it's different.

Things to watch out for

-Silver (Particularly bullets) - Sure, Getting shot with a silver bullet is going to hurt anybody.  But for you there is no longer any such thing as a flesh wound here.  As soon as you can say 'No big deal, it only grazed me', they're already finding your dead naked body in a churchyard and drawing unflattering conclusions about your personal life.

-Accidentally mauling loved ones.  We'll talk more about this in section 3

Zombie

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Zombie -

-Did you just crawl out of a grave with your name on it?
-Did you wake up with chunks missing?
-Are pieces of you that you quite hoped to use one day falling off?

Things to watch out for.

-Beheading.  yup, that's it.  Other than that you're golden.  Knock yourself out.

Frankenstein Monster

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Frankenstein Monster -

-Do you have a lot more stitches than you recall having before?
-Do you recall dying?  Not once, but actually many times?
-Are pieces of you... how to put this delicately... more sizey than they previously were?  Feel free to run to the restroom and check.  We'll wait.

Things to watch out for.

-Fire.  While it won't actually do a lot of damage to you, it will cause you to freak out disproportionately, which is embarrassing.

-Getting your literary reference wrong.  Look - you're a Frankenstein MONSTER.  NOT Frankenstein.  Frankenstein was the scientist, NOT the monster.  Seriously, have a little respect for your own history.

-Torch Wielding villagers.  They are NOT coming by for a Tupperware party

Mummy

Some Tell-Tale sings that you are now a Mummy -

-Did you wake up in a sealed sarcophagus? (This is a dead giveaway)
-Are you Egyptian royalty?
-Do you feel compelled to roam a museum chanting 'Coin... Coin...'

Some things to watch out for.

-Well, you probably want to make sure you have that Book of the Dead locked down somewhere.
-Raining down the plagues of Egypt is not a great way to make new friends.

3.  Sensible Precautions (For applicable species)

Vampire

-Find safe sleeping arrangements
-Procure bug-eating henchman
-Explore volunteer opportunities at Red Cross

Werewolf 

-Identify Cage strong enough to hold you during full moons (assuming you don't want to maul loved ones.)

4.  Things to Enjoy About the New You!

Vampire

-You can control Wolves now!
-Everybody thinks your SUPER sexy!
-You're going to LOVE to night scene!
-Turn into a Bat! or Mist! 
-Follow immortal beloved's trail through Time!

Werewolf

-One night a month you either lock yourself up or let 'er rip.  You are a LOW maintenance Monster!
-Everybody thinks you are SUPER sexy as well!
-You get to wake up naked in public with an AWESOME legitimate excuse!
-Mmmm, Sheep!

Zombie

-Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-You take a lickin' and keep on tickin', buddy!
-Mmmm, Brains!

Frankenstein Monster

-Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-Remember how you wanted to meet more people?  Well now you ARE more people!
-Exciting new color palette/body type to work with! 

Mummy

-Pardon us for repeating, but...Remember how you were dead?  Well you're not now!
-Chance to avenge yourself against the ancestors of your cursed enemies, and who doesn't love that?!
-Your wardrobe budget?  About to go WAY down!

5.  Conclusion

With all this in mind, we hope that you choose to embrace your new destiny as a creature of darkness and find the fun in everlasting damned half-life.  Remember - What you get out of it depends on what you put into it!

Good Luck!