Many a few year before starting the dog-blog you are currently reading, before Whatculture.com and upworthy and denofgeek, before the internet became mostly about datamining and sending you targeted adds for Sarah Brightman everywhere you go despite the fact that you clearly only clicked onto her website once and it was for work I swear to god...
Before all that there was The Doctor Who Ratings Guide.
Still located at www.pagefillers.com/dwrg, the ratings guide was a place for many of us to start publishing articles about Doctor Who on the internet. (this was, you'll recall, before there was any idea a new series would ever happen, so it's even geekier than you're already imagining. The thought of the cool kids wearing David Tennant TARDIS T-shirts while they skip gym class and beat up your grandmother was inconceivable then.
For reasons not particularly interesting, I remembered that the guide exists today. And so, here's one of my contributions from back in the day.
You're welcome, Universe
Some dos and don'ts upon meeting various Dr. Who villains
A guide with some good general advice.
We all know the old chestnuts about aiming for eyestalks and how stairs won't protect you. But the Daleks are only one of the things you might encounter during your trip around time and space. Upon venturing out into the universe, it's handy to keep in mind some good general safety guidelines in order to prevent falling afoul of one of the many evil despotic (or at least highly antisocial) masterminds you might encounter along the way.
In that spirit, here's a handy take-along list of points to remember
Should you happen to meet...
DO- Casually mention how you've been looking for someone to obey and would be only too happy to do so. (Note: You might want to make sure that it actually IS the Master prior using this one, as this is probably an inadvisable thing to mention in other situations. Say - for example - you and The Doctor have found yourself in a strange and mysterious Galactic Hard Core S&M Leather Bar. Now, I'm not judging anyone's lifestyle.. All I'm saying is you should probably be aware of what you're getting yourself into.)
DON'T- Stand there whimpering like an idiot waiting to be turned into an adorable action figure replica of yourself
DON'T- Casually mention how nice your father's body is. (Actually this is just good advice on meeting anybody. It's a creepy thing to do, and no good conversation is going to come from it.)
DON'T- Stare at the shiny object swinging back and forth. No. Seriously. Don't. Just look away. Even though it's so shiny.. Sooooo shiny... Sooooo... Where was I?
DO- Grab the shiny silver vibrator off their belt.
DON'T- Ask them how it felt to have their Grammy taken away. It's an embarrassingly old joke, and the Movellan isn't going to get it anyway.
DO- Mention how against slavery you are and how you can't get enough of red meat.
DON'T- Shake hands.
DON'T- Deliberately expose him and all his kind to ultraviolet light causing the extermination of their entire race, because God knows you get picked up and sent to court for any little thing in the future and they're going to bring up the whole 'genocide' thing and then suddenly you're in ALL this trouble.
TTOXYL, HIGH PRIEST OF SACRIFICE:
DO- Pretend to be a reincarnation of some deceased priest/god. If nothing else it buys you a little time.
DON'T- Screw up his whole 'Eclipse' thing. It's at the very least rude and at most life-threatening.
AN ICE WARRIOR/LORD:
DO- Make a quick check to see if they're in their 'be courteous to you' period or they're 'tear off your head and stick it on a tallish pole' period. I can't stress how important this distinction is.
DON'T- Ask him to sing a chorus of 'Fascinatin' Rhythm'. Oh, and try to avoid sending his whole fleet into the sun if at all possible. You know, unless you have to.
A TYTHONIAN AMBASSADOR: (Note: not technically 'evil', per se.)
DO- Establish diplomatic relations with him BEFORE chucking him in a great big hole.
DON'T- Immediately try to put your mouth on his big dangling appendage. It's only polite to at least buy him a drink first. And if you DO decide to go ahead and do it anyway, you certainly shouldn't expect it to lead to increased communication, because it never, ever does. How many of us have made THAT mistake?
SCAROTH, LAST OF THE JAGAROTH:
DO- Tell him how much you enjoyed his role as the AT-AT Commander in Empire Strikes Back. I'm sure he doesn't hear that nearly enough and he really was quite good.
DON'T- Ask how his family is.
DO- Compliment her leather pants, as it's only polite.
DON'T- Worry about being turned into a tree, as they have a much longer life span and it's not like you were going to DO anything with the rest of your life anyway, right?
DON'T- Eat maggots. Although, frankly, if that's the kind of advice you need then I'm not altogether sure that there's any hope for you.
DO- Safely lock and secure your time vehicle behind you.
DON'T- Worry about them being any kind of a threat, as they will inevitably turn out to have an incredible violent weakness for any old thing that you happen to have to hand, up to and including gay pornography. ("Ex-cell-ent! We have ac-qui-red the Time Lord's DVD at last. OH NO! It's Back Door Ban-dits Four! We are Doomed. DOOOOOOOOMED!")
DO- Keep an eye on how much Rouge you're applying at the time. For some reason the Mara's presence tends to make people go completely overboard on the stuff.
DON'T- Under any circumstances, agree to share your body. Again, get drinks first.
A BIG SCARY DIDOAN SAND BEAST:
DO- Remember to keep it leashed and pick up it's droppings when taking it on walks through the park. It's the law.
DON'T- Immediately shoot it with a flare gun and kill it, as it will without fail turn out to be some young orphan's pet and she'll be all pissed about it. Not that she'll ever mention it again. Or even remember, apparently.
DO- Make an effort to immediately learn it's first name, as I have no idea at this point which species name is
DON'T- Stare at the third eye. Hey! My two eyes are down here, buddy!
I Hope that these simple guidelines will ensure a safe and happy tour through this, our Universe.