Monday, September 1, 2014

That's Why There Were So Many STDs in the 70s

One of the many things that are awesome about the Movie* Guardians of the Galaxy - and there are many - is the way that its soundtrack has re-popularized some really awesome seventies music.  The soundtrack -appropriately titled 'Awesome Mix No. 1' is at the top of the sales charts at the moment, so I'm going to assume that many of you are aware of this fact already.

*or Film if you prefer to be all European about it

And while it's true that 'Come and Get Your Love', 'Fooled Around and Fell in Love, and 'Moonage Daydream'* are non-stop-awesome sauce with cuddling afterwards, the soundtrack then takes us to the guilty pleasure that is Rupert Holmes love letter to infidelity, 'Escape (The Pina Colada Song)'

*Moonage Freakin Daydream!!!!

The song, for those of you pretending to not be familiar with it, details the story of a man who is - and I'm quoting here - 'was tired of (his) lady, we'd been together too long, Like a worn-out recording, of a favorite song'

Oh, I'm sorry Rupert.  I didn't realize you were that one guy on the planet whose relationship didn't continue being non-stop excitement for its entire duration. Clearly you are totally justified in going to the personal ads and trying to find some other woman to run away with.

Which is indeed what he does.

He finds a personal ad from some woman who's looking for someone who likes pina coladas and taking walks in the rain.*

*Yes, clearly she is looking for a 19 year old female student at art college.

He responds, they agree to meet up at a bar to plan 'their escape'.

Of course, he gets to the bar in question (O'Malley's, if you were wondering) and it turns out to be his old lady who had placed the ad, herself looking to escape what must be a remarkably tedious relationship based on the actions of all involved.

They laugh about the whole thing and take joy in having rediscovered there love for each other.

OK, Im sorry, but I'm calling bullshit here.  Let me tell you, unequivicably, that is not how that conversation would go.

Best case - BEST case - scenario is a mutually civil break-up with him surrendering his house keys and arranging a time to pick up his things.  Far more likely scenarios involve shouting, throwing things at one another, and many shrieks of, 'PERSONAL ADS????  YOU'RE READING/PLACING PERSONAL ADS??????!!'

Long story short - when you begin actively referring to ending your relationship as 'Escape', you're better off just addressing the issue directly, because contrary to what Mr. Holmes tells us here, you're going to get arrested for a public disturbance.

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