Who knew that the Bronies were the rational ones?

I apologize in advance for where this is going to go.  Just know that going in.

There are Two main immutable laws of the Internet.  (Well... three actually, if you count Godwin's Law*, but that's really just about chatboards, not the Internet itself, so it's not really relevant here)

*Given enough time, any Internet comment board argument will eventually mention Hitler or the Nazi's.

The two immutable laws are -

1:  There is nothing so horrible that you can't find it on the internet somewhere.

-It was actually a casual discussion of this fact that let directly to the film Hostel being made.  Take that as either a plus or a minus, depending on personal taste.

2:  If a thing exists, there exists a pornographic variant of it as well. 

At this point I should give credit/blame to one James T. Cornish - a contributing writer at both WhatCulture.com and Den of Geek.  I'm a fan of his articles - primarily because they tend to be amusingly written and because he's yet to make any statements that I disagree with too strenuously.

In his recently published discussion of things certain subsets of fandom do that make the rest of us look insane by association (which you can find here) he introduced me to a term with which I was hitherto unfamiliar.  Ah, those were happy, innocent times.

The term in question.... no, let me build up to it a bit.  After discussing a variety of fandoms, Doctor Who included (which - let's face it - is what brought me to the article in the first place) he turns his attention to The Bronies.

For those who may have missed my earlier discussion of The Bronies (helpfully found here) these are the adult male fans of the cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Processed that?  K, we'll move on.

My earlier missive about the Bronies was largely concerned with their habit of declaring online fatwahs against perceived insults against their group (or not so perceived.  To be fair, they do get trash talked a lot).

I was, therefore, somewhat surprised when I reached Page 8 of Mr. Cornish's article and discovered that there was in fact an offshoot subgroup of The Bronies that is damaging their reputation.  A feat that I personally would not have imagined possible.

And yet, after reading the infamous Page 8, I have to admit that the Bronies would appear to have a legitimate complaint.

Before I scar you emotionally, I'd like to add that early on in the article Mr. Cornish states,  "I’m friends with several Bronies and they are all friendly and well adjusted people who just happen to be fans of a cartoon about magic ponies." which might be my favorite sentence that I've ever read.

The subgroup in question - exemplifying both of the immutable rules of the Internet listed above - are known as 'Cloppers'

Gentle Reader, I feel that we've known each other long enough now that I can be blunt here and dance around the issue no further. 

The Cloppers are into My Little Pony Pornography.

Cartoon Ponies.

Having sex with (one imagines) one another.

I'm going to defer to Mr. Cornish's summation of this, because he sums up my thoughts nicely-

"If you masturbate to cartoon ponies and think that it somehow makes you superior to those who don’t, then you are in serious need of some form of psychiatric treatment."

 The really chilling thing - That there are people who need to be told that.

We have Internet search filters for a reason, people.

Seriously? 'Unicorning' is a thing now?

So, today is Helpful Friend Becky's Birthday (she who helped to arrange the Catwoman Brackets - I don't think she can be considered legally culpable for what followed though...)

In the spirit of things I went to send her a picture of terrifying Unicorns, because that's kind of our thing ever since this post on the same topic.  (Caution - Spoiler Alert for Cabin in the Woods there.)

And so, being a thoroughly Modern Vizsla, I began by doing a websearch of the words 'Terrifying Unicorn'

This is what those words found...

That's right.

I cannot even bring myself to show it to you.

And I made you all look at the Bronies picture, so just take a moment with that.

What I saw...

<Shudder>

What I...

<Shudder>

OK.  Hold on... give me a second here.

It... it was...

<Steeling of Vizsla will...>

It was a person on a stage.  Not sure if it was a man or a woman.

Wearing a tan body stocking

<please... please God let that have been a tan body stocking.. please...  So cold... so cold...>

Supporting themselves in the upward position with crutches.

Wearing the head of a unicorn over their own head

With a sparkly horn.

<so cold.>

I actually had to look at this for several minuted because my brain simply refused to process the set of elements.  I literally could not interpret what I was seeing. 

Now...  I have nothing but respect for people on crutches.  Short term or long term, that ain't easy and they deserve all our respect.

I can even find it in myself to be spiritually all right with flesh-tone body stockings.  If I just squint at it sideways and don't picture anyone I actually know in them.

<Oh Shit, too late... I'm sorry, one of you.  Nothing will ever persuade me to say which of you it was, but I'm sorry.  So, So sorry.>

The wearing a unicorn head thing... I can even find a live-and-let-live place inside myself for that

<Seriously.  I am SO, so sorry...>

Why on Earth would you combine those elements in a performance space?

And then have photos of same easily searchable under the key words 'Terrifying Unicorn'?


I had to show Helpful Friend Becky the picture, since it was sort of her fault that I had to see it and she informed me that there is apparently a 'thing' about wearing Unicorn Heads.  It's called 'unicorning'. 

That's what you do.

You wear a Unicorn Head.

I tried to take the thought further as to what you might do from that point, but then my brain shut down again.

I guess what I'm saying is - When you do a random web search, it's not about judging - but it IS about time to have a sizeable glass of tequila and sit in a cool dark place.

Vizsla out