Vizsla Flashback - The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale

It goes without saying by and large that there can be a great deal of difference between the types of character an actor might play and their real life personality.

Similarly, many celebrities have public personas that are very different to who they are on a day to day basis.

Just because someone might seem charming on E! doesn't mean they wouldn't clock you with a shovel and bury you in their basement.  But how are we, the unwashed public, to know where the greatest dangers lie?

Well, in the interest of public safety, allow me to present the solution.

We at Vizsla Enterprises are pleased to present to you-

The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale

patent pending

The scale runs as follows: on a gradient from -7 to +7, celebrities are rated as to the active threat that they might pose to you, should you be alone with them in their home.

Named after the Celebrities at either end of the threat scale, at -7 we have Mark Harmon.  A Harmon level celebrity presents no threat whatsoever, and indeed will actively help you, a mere nobody, in case you find yourself imperiled in their vicinity.

Other examples of Harmon level celebrities include Steve Buscemi, who actually used to be an FDNY firefighter and still goes to large scale disasters to assist without publicizing it, which makes him cooler than most of us.

At the other extreme, the titular +7 celebrity is Jon Voight.  Under no circumstances should you be alone with Jon Voight.  DO not enter his home.  DO not take candy from his minivan.  DO not turn when he says, 'Hey, what's that over there?' a +7 Celebrity represents an active threat to your health and well being.  You have been warned.

Other +7 celebrities include Charles Manson and the shark from Jaws

for perspective, here's where some other big names fall-

Harrison Ford: -5.  He'd probably helicopter in to save you from a fire, but if you ask him about Star Wars he will also push you back out again.

Angelina Jolie: On her own +6.  If Brad Pitt is in the room with her I'd go as low as +3, but no lower.  If she really wanted to rip your throat out with her own teeth he might try to talk her down, but he sure wouldn't get in the way.

The Rock: -4.  If he saw you getting mugged he'd totally beat the guy up for you.  Probably.

George Clooney:  +/- 0.  Nonreactive.  If he saw you getting mugged he might feel bad about it for a bit.

Woody Harrelson: +2.  Volatile.  Could swing by 3 points in either direction depending on mood and medication.

Amy Acker:  -3.  She'd probably make you cookies if you asked nicely.

There are several reasons why Larry Hagman is not going to come to your birthday party

In the middle of the night last night I woke up with one burning question on my mind.

Was Larry Hagman alive or dead?

I couldn't remember whether or not he was still alive and for some reason I was obsessing about it*

*He is in fact dead.  He died in Dallas on November 23rd, 2012, which seems as fitting as anything.  This is REASON ONE that Larry Hagman will not be coming to your birthday party

After a few minutes I woke up enough to recall that he was dead, which should of ended the discussion right there.  However, I instead started thinking about how odd it is that whether or not Larry Hagman was dead was in any way significant to me.  It's not like I was going to wake up this morning and say to myself, 'Hey, I think I'll call Larry Hagman and see if he wants to go to brunch.' because A: I do not have Larry Hagman's contact info, because B: I do not in any way know him.

This is REASON TWO that Larry Hagman will not be coming to your birthday party.  Even if he were not unfortunately previously scheduled to be dead that day, you don't know him.  Dead, Alive, dressed in drag doing the hula, it's completely irrelevant.  Larry Hagman has never been personally involved in your life.*  I'm tempted to call him Schroedinger's Larry Hagman, except that that would require me to explain again why Schroedinger was kidding and we should all stop misinterpreting what he said about cats and boxes (I'm looking at you, Big Bang Theory.)

*Unless of course you're someone who actually knew him, in which case most of today's post doesn't really apply to you and I would refer you instead to the thing about Marky Mark, because I always liked that post.

And suddenly our society's fascination with checking in to see if old celebrities were still alive or not seemed completely ridiculous to me. What does it matter to the average person (or indeed, dog).  Suzanne Pleshette is not planning on going with me to the next Captain America movie.  Christopher Plummer isn't going to Snap Chat with you at any point this morning*.  Larry Hagman is not coming to your birthday party.

Although it couldn't hurt to invite him.

* I did actually meet Christopher Plummer once, and I have to tell you that you're probably safer not snapchatting with him.  He's the most intimidating person I've ever met.  God knows what things you might see and never be able to unsee.

I'm not kidding about Jon Voight...

It goes without saying by and large that there can be a great deal of difference between the types of character an actor might play and their real life personality.

Similarly, many celebrities have public personas that are very different to who they are on a day to day basis.

Just because someone might seem charming on E! doesn't mean they wouldn't clock you with a shovel and bury you in their basement.  But how are we, the unwashed public, to know where the greatest dangers lie?

Well, in the interest of public safety, allow me to present the solution.

We at Vizsla Enterprises are pleased to present to you-

The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale

patent pending

The scale runs as follows: on a gradient from -7 to +7, celebrities are rated as to the active threat that they might pose to you, should you be alone with them in their home.

Named after the Celebrities at either end of the threat scale, at -7 we have Mark Harmon.  A Harmon level celebrity presents no threat whatsoever, and indeed ill actively help you, a mere nobody, in case you find yourself imperiled in their vicinity. 

Other examples of Harmon level celebrities include Steve Buscemi, who actually used to be an FDNY firefighter and still goes to large scale disasters to assist without publicizing it, which makes him cooler than most of us.

At the other extreme, the titular +7 celebrity is Jon Voight.  Under no circumstances should you be alone with Jon Voight.  DO not enter his home.  DO not take candy from his minivan.  DO not turn when he says, 'Hey, what's that over there?' a +7 Celebrity represents an active threat to your health and well being.  You have been warned.

Other +7 celebrities include Charles Manson and the shark from Jaws

for perspective, here's where some other big names fall-

Harrison Ford: -5.  He'd probably helicopter in to save you from a fire, but if you ask him about Star Wars he will also push you back out again.

Angelina Jolie: On her own +6.  If Brad Pitt is in the room with her I'd go as low as +3, but no lower.  If she really wanted to rip your throat out with her own teeth he might try to talk her down, but he sure wouldn't get in the way.

The Rock: -4.  If he saw you getting mugged he'd totally beat the guy up for you.  Probably.

George Clooney:  +/- 0.  Nonreactive.  If he saw you getting mugged he might feel bad about it for a bit.

Woody Harrelson: +2.  Volatile.  Could swing by 3 points in either direction depending on mood and medication.

Amy Acker:  -3.  She'd probably make you cookies if you asked nicely.