Tuesday, September 17, 2013

I'm not kidding about Jon Voight...

It goes without saying by and large that there can be a great deal of difference between the types of character an actor might play and their real life personality.

Similarly, many celebrities have public personas that are very different to who they are on a day to day basis.

Just because someone might seem charming on E! doesn't mean they wouldn't clock you with a shovel and bury you in their basement.  But how are we, the unwashed public, to know where the greatest dangers lie?

Well, in the interest of public safety, allow me to present the solution.

We at Vizsla Enterprises are pleased to present to you-

The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale

patent pending

The scale runs as follows: on a gradient from -7 to +7, celebrities are rated as to the active threat that they might pose to you, should you be alone with them in their home.

Named after the Celebrities at either end of the threat scale, at -7 we have Mark Harmon.  A Harmon level celebrity presents no threat whatsoever, and indeed ill actively help you, a mere nobody, in case you find yourself imperiled in their vicinity

Other examples of Harmon level celebrities include Steve Buscemi, who actually used to be an FDNY firefighter and still goes to large scale disasters to assist without publicizing it, which makes him cooler than most of us.

At the other extreme, the titular +7 celebrity is Jon Voight.  Under no circumstances should you be alone with Jon Voight.  DO not enter his home.  DO not take candy from his minivan.  DO not turn when he says, 'Hey, what's that over there?' a +7 Celebrity represents an active threat to your health and well being.  You have been warned.

Other +7 celebrities include Charles Manson and the shark from Jaws

for perspective, here's where some other big names fall-

Harrison Ford: -5.  He'd probably helicopter in to save you from a fire, but if you ask him about Star Wars he will also push you back out again.

Angelina Jolie: On her own +6.  If Brad Pitt is in the room with her I'd go as low as +3, but no lower.  If she really wanted to rip your throat out with her own teeth he might try to talk her down, but he sure wouldn't get in the way.

The Rock: -4.  If he saw you getting mugged he'd totally beat the guy up for you.  Probably.

George Clooney:  +/- 0.  Nonreactive.  If he saw you getting mugged he might feel bad about it for a bit.

Woody Harrelson: +2.  Volatile.  Could swing by 3 points in either direction depending on mood and medication.

Amy Acker:  -3.  She'd probably make you cookies if you asked nicely.

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