Tough talk about toenails.

Before I get into the actual topic today, a brief addendum to my rant about the phrase 'Bucket List' from the other day -

In the St. Paul Skyways - covering a wall that blocks the entrance to what was once a bank and then for years existed as a sort of perpetual flea market - there is a large chalkboard.  Like - 40 feet wide and stretching from floor to ceiling.   And on this chalkboard wall is written the phrase 'Before I die, I want to _______' somewhere around a hundred times in nice neat rows.

The intention being that passers-by would pick up one of the pieces of chalk provided and fill in the blank with whatever burning ambition they have to check off before they allow themselves the sweet and merciful release of death.*

*Sorry... got a bit dark there...

 Every time I pass it I'm consumed with the urge to fill in the blank with  "Write on a chalkboard wal...oh crap..."

I haven't yet been bold enough to do it yet, but if you should see it written there it was probably me.

And speaking of chalkboards - let's talk about fingernails.

Or more accurately, claws (as we of the four legs call them)

So, I've got a friend named Stanley - he's a Black Lab.  Nice kid.  A little on the hyper side, but hey- he isn't even two years old yet so that's pretty much to be expected.  

And Labs are OK in my book.  If you can't be a Vizsla you could do a lot worse than being a Lab.  Nice coat, good nose, could reasonably expect to take out a duck if they had to do so.  Yeah, Labs are pretty cool.

So a couple weeks ago, Stanley was going outside to do his business one last time before bed, when he accidentally tripped over the little ridge track thing that the sliding glass door sits on and almost completely tore off one of his toenails.

Once you've finished going 'GGGYYAAAGGGGGGGGGGHHHH!!!', I should mention that he's doing fine - had to have the rest of the nail surgically removed and now he's wearing a very dapper looking sock until his new nail grows in, which means he is totally missing out on sandals weather, but what can you do, right?

The point I'm getting at here is this - Not enough people are sympathetic to how big a pain in the butt it is to have these claws and be totally reliant on someone else to trim and maintain them.  I mean, sure, you can run back and forth on concrete to try and wear them down, but eventually the two-legged food machine that you live with is going to have to intercede on your behalf and trim them.  And dewclaws - don't even get me started on dewclaws.  It's like somebody in dog history said 'Hey, you know what would be awesome?  If we had opposable thumbs like humans, but without that pesky 'being opposable' part, so they just kind of hang there and occasionally get snagged on things.'

And it's not like we're allowed to do anything cool with our claws in any case.  They're great for digging, but that just gets you yelled at, and as a certain Border Heeler at home finds out on a regular basis, jumping up and scratching the hell out of daddy's arms because you're excited he's home does not make you very popular.

Claws.  Can't live with em, can't live without em.  Am I right, people?

(Hang in there Stanley - and that is one sweet sock you've got on)

The Lunchtime Skyway walk - Instructions for replication

In the interest of history, and the future generations that will no doubt be desperate for detailed information about the living history that we are currently privileged to experience every day I present-

The step by step guide to recreating the walk I just took through the skyway system to get lunch.

Step One: Determine that you are hungry.  This can be easily identified by grumbling feeling of spiritual emptiness in the region of the solar plexus.   Anything higher than that and it might be a heart attack.  Or just life.  One of those.

         1A: Continue working for another 24 minutes on the principle that you just have 'one last quick thing to do'

         1B: Proceed to either -

                 1Bi - Give in to driving need to go to restroom

                 1Bii - Wet Self


STEP TWO:  Stand up from Desk

         2A:  If following instructions for 1Bi proceed to nearest restroom as indicated in illustration 1.

         2B:  If following instructions for 1Bii proceed to location of emergency pants and skip directly to Step 4

 I have no idea where the closest bathroom to you will be while you read this

Do we even still pee in the future?

STEP THREE:  Wash hands

         3A: Feel sanctimonious about those that do not wash hands

                 3Ai- Wish someone was there to use restroom and leave without washing hands so that you can publicly shame them for same.

                3Aii - Accept fact that you would never have nerve to actually follow step 3Ai

         3B: Begin to realize how long you've been in restroom and wonder what people will think
          
                3Bi - Leave restroom as casually as possible


STEP FOUR:  Proceed to Mexican fast food restaurant to purchase Burrito

       4A:  Slow pace of walk to avoid encounter with casual acquaintance

               4Ai - Mentally bullet point items of small talk in case of failure in step 4A

               4Aii - Be slightly hurt as casual acquaintance's failure to say hello


STEP FIVE: Remember that McDonald's is holding their Monopoly contest.

      5A:  Mentally calculate rough estimate of odds of winning million dollars on fillet-o-fish

               5Ai - Remember that there are two McDonalds in Skyway System

               5Aii - Lose track of things while mulling over the nature of causality

               5Aiii - Realize that you have walked right past both McDonalds and have arrived at Mexican fast food restaurant

                5Aiv - Declare Causality satisfied.


STEP SIX: Order burrito

       6A:  Realize that you just specified that you wanted the burrito platter with 'a burrito'

               6Ai - Mentally chastise self for forgetting the word 'pork'

               6Aii - reflect on previous column where you accused same restaurant of bringing about the downfall of society simply by asking you several times if your order was 'to go'

               6Aiii - Think fondly of time when you had moral high ground.


STEP SEVEN:  Retrace steps back to desk

     7A: Omit step 2Ai or 2Aii depending on parameters of current model

Vizsla not responsible for injury or dismemberment caused by following of above steps.

You're welcome, Future People.  You're Welcome.

It's just not that easy to make archery seem 'hip'

I ended up watching Marvel's The Avengers twice this weekend* and I feel like we as a people can no longer avoid one simple undeniable truth. - Being really good with a bow and arrow just isn't that cool as a super power.  I'm sorry, but we have to face that together before we can move on from this point.

* It was raining and I was with two different people who hadn't seen it at different times and who are you to judge me.

I'm referring here of course to the character of Hawkeye as played by young Jeremy Renner in the aforementioned film.  Hawkeye's superpower is that he's a really, really good shot with a bow and arrow.  Which means that Joss Whedon got to add in lots of lovely shots of Mssr. Renner shooting one way and looking the other.  Plus Hawkeye was the character who got the obligatory 'brainwashed into working for the enemy so pretty much unrecognizable as a character for most of the film'

It was this last point that apparently didn't sit well with Jeremy who has gone on record as saying that he was disappointed that that 'wasn't the character I signed on to play'.

To which I respond  - No... THIS is the character you signed on to play...

Having dodged the enormous pointy fuschia mask, I think you came out ahead of the deal, Jeremy

Which brings me to my point.  The defining feature of Hawkeye is the bow and arrow.  And bows and arrows just aren't particularly cool in and of themselves*

*Unlike bowties.

 Leaving aside the fact that a superhero who uses a bow and arrow just begs the question of whether murdering bad guys in the name of protecting the innocent is morally justifiable (because if your main weapon is the bow and arrow you don't have a whole ton of other options really.  Kill, wound, wound slightly less and startle.  Oh, and that cool computer virus arrow thing that Hawkeye did in the movie but it's not like that's going to help you stop a mugging, now is it.)

It all goes back to Robin Hood of course.  Robin Hood was pretty cool.  Robin Hood used a Bow and Arrow.  Therefore Bows and Arrows must be cool, so the syllogism goes.

To which any sane person responds -  Robin Hood was cool because he robbed from the freakin' rich and gave to the freakin' poor.  His choice of accessories had precious little to do with it.  You know why Robin Hood used a bow and arrow?  Because it was the highest level of weaponry at the time, that's why.  It's not like he stopped while putting on tights and thought 'Gosh, maybe tonight I won't use the taser... the bow and arrow has such panache!'

So, fast forward a few centuries and DC comics decides to create a new superhero who was more or less a modern Robin Hood and therefore used a bow and arrow and dressed in forest green with a jaunty cap.  This character at least used a lot of trick arrows like smoke arrows, net arrows and in at least one unfortunate episode - boxing glove arrows.*

*As opposed to the current televised version in the show Arrow who merely teaches us that the secret to crimefighting is to spend a lot of time brooding in a warehouse with your shirt off.  But to be fair, he is pretty ripped, and if I was I'd probably do the same, so fair point to him.

This is classic Green Arrow.  

You're going to have to Google pictures of shirtless Stephen Amell on your own.

Eventually, because there is a longstanding law that anything remotely original at either Marvel or DC must immediately have an almost identical version created at the rival company, Marvel created Hawkeye.  Who was totally unlike Green Arrow because he wore purple.  

So take heart, Jeremy Renner - Things could have been much worse.

Vizsla Flashback - The one about Doctor Who - Kind of today's theme.

In honor if the imminent announcement as to the identity of the actor playing the next Doctor -

Here's a Vizsla Flashback on the topic. From April 9th, 2013-

As always, true story people.  As sad as that is...

You knew it was going to come up sooner or later...

If you live in my house, there are a couple things that you can be pretty sure of.

1: A sheltie will occasionally sit on you

and

2: You're going to end up watching Doctor Who. A LOT of Doctor Who.

(Also 3: When Grampa comes over it means you're going to get cookies. Not strictly relevant to the topic at hand, but totally worth giving him a shout out for.)

But as I was saying... Doctor Who.

For those of you who don't know, which until a few years ago would have been all of you (barring one or two exceptions), Doctor Who is a science fiction show made in England.

Now, I'm not exactly sure where or what 'England' is, but I HAVE been to the park three blocks away, so I'm going to assume that England is farther away than that, and that when you are there you should be sure to have baggies to pick up your poop.

Vizslas- Not noted as global travelers.

In any case, they apparently started making it before even daddy was born and six years before they invented 'color'. I don't exactly know what color is either, but it seems like a big deal to people, so I thought I'd mention it.

They made it for a long time and told lots of stories, but then they cancelled it, sometime around the time Daddy was finishing something called 'high school' (I think it has something to do with learning to sit, stay, and dress and think exactly like the people around you in order to avoid social ostracism. Seems like a strange way to spend time to me, but who am I to judge.)

Anyway, the upshot is that they eventually sold Daddy (and possibly one or two other people) video copies of all of these stories, which Daddy could then watch and enjoy and hide whenever other people came over to the house. (No, I don't know why)

And this was all well and good and status-quo-y, but then a few years ago (eight years ago to be exact. I remember it well. I was a mere pup of four, happily romping and rolling in the grass and making yeti-noises... .good times....good times...)

Ok, I'm back. Sorry, Vizslas are terribly prone to getting lost in the flashback. As I was saying, eight years ago they started making NEW episodes of the show again. And what's more, it was actually becoming cool to watch and know about!It was the dawn of a Golden Age!

The one problem was that they weren't actually showing any of the new show in this country, for reasons not entirely clear to Vizsla-dom.

Fortunately, one of Daddy's super awesome friends in this 'England' place, who was very thoughtful and not entirely restrained by anti-piracy law, recorded all of the new episodes onto a DVD and mailed them to Daddy, which made him just about the happiest ever.

He then insisted on making a sofa-cushion fort to sit in before he would allow himself to watch any of the new episodes- on the principle that back in HIS day that was how these things were done- thus conclusively proving that whilst liking Doctor Who might have become cool, there was certainly no chance that Daddy had..

So anyway, here we are 8 years later. Kids in the current version of 'high school' are all wearing Doctor Who t-shirts and somehow NOT getting beaten up for it (an impossible feat in Daddy's day) and all is more or less well with the world.

Now could you please get this Sheltie off of my face?

I'm not sure Leo would be down with this...

There's a thing that I'm going to call 'Willum's law of Genre Television Promotion' (feel free to just start referring to it as Willum's Law - I'd like my fame to start as quickly as possible please)

What Willum's Law states is that any genre Television program that has a minimum of five characters and reaches a minimum of it's third season will inevitably produce a promotional image of those characters recreating Leonardo Da Vinci's Last Supper (as popularized by that Dan Brown book a few years ago)

 I'll save you the trouble of Googling it - Here's the original (cleaned up a bit)

I first began to notice the phenomenon a few years back in the following ad for Battlestar Gallactica (new version)

 Now what's interesting to me about this one is that while they've gone out of their way to get the tone of the physicality right, if you look at they don't actually have  one-to-one relationship with the placement of the figures in the original, despite having pretty much enough people to do so.  In fact, what's really interesting is the one person who's placement they've left out altogether. 

In the original painting Judas is this guy...

Now go back and look at the BSG image - it appears that in the Battlestar Gallactica view of things the role of the betrayer will be played by a nice glass of wine.  Which is fair enough, I know wine has betrayed me more than a time or two.

After that it was only appropriate that the painting most known for the web of ridiculous theories surrounding it be used to advertise the Show that could make the same claim...

It's worth noting here that even though they actually have one disciple too many in the picture (and cast Locke as Jesus which calls into question a good deal of Christian Mythology but we'll brush past that) they still have a curiously blank space where Judas should be. 

Perhaps someone just forgot to CGI in the Smoke Monster...

Then we got House...

 Where we note that Dr. House is in imminent danger of being betrayed by some anesthesiological machinery

The Sopranos...

Where the Internet tells me the role of Judas is played by his mother.  I'll have to take the internet's word on this, as I never really watched the show. 

The Internet also just informed me during that last search that The Sopranos image was actually the first and the Lost one was actually one of the Last, but I'm going to have to tell the internet to piss off with this information, as the Vizsla is not heavy into editing.

And I'd much rather be happy than right anyday.

Then we get Bones...

In which there doesn't seem to be a clear Jesus, but at least everyone is happy.  At least until their ultimate betrayal by that container of General Tso's Chicken.


So there you have it demonstrated.  Willum's Law.

Please make use of the term repeatedly until I here it used on The Big Bang Theory

Vizsla out -

Vizsla vs. Pattern Recognition

I was thinking earlier today about how much of life depends on our ability to recognize patterns around us. 

For Example: Apparently there is something called 'red', and if you are able to see this mysterious 'red', then there will be a pattern in the picture below for you to recognize

And I'm not necessarily just talking about the 'Hey, if I squint at this 80's poster I can see a picture of a boat kind of pattern recognition.

(Although I'm given to understand that if one is able to see those they are pretty cool.  Stupid unseeable boat poster.)

I have no idea if these work through a computer screen.  

But then I can never get the f-ing things to work in real life either, so you're on your own here.

No, I'm talking about on a broader level - you know, the ability to recognize patterns like 'Hey, every time I eat peanuts my throat swells shut' or 'Hmmm...  That Johnson kid that visited 9 months ago sure looks a lot like my newborn son...'  That sort of thing.

In fact, it seems to me that human beings spend so much of their time recognizing patterns around them and adjusting their behavior accordingly that it would be remarkably easy to train you all to obey my every whim merely by conditioning you with... but I've already said too much...

Wittgenstein suggested in his Tractatus* that the universe is actually nothing more than random phenomena in which we like to pretend to see patterns like Language and Math so that we can more easily interact with it.  In the same way that one might have pretended to be able to see the boat picture when the mean kids from gym class were around for the sake of not giving them more ammo. 

* Full disclosure - I only made it to about page 5 before I had to stop and learn German in the hope that it might be slightly less mind-numbing and incomprehensible in it's original language.  Spoiler warning - it's not.

Now, while I would like to whole-heartedly back anyone who begins with the premise 'Math isn't real', I think he might be missing something fundamental there. 

Mainly, I think he's making a mistake insisting on looking at it all from the Universe's point of view, when the Universe has gone out of its way on more than one occasion to point out that it could not possibly care less about what we think.  (See:  The Dinosaurs, Universe smacking the crap out of existence of).

But what the hell do I know.  I can't even see the boat or the red stuff.  Doesn't that make you want to bring me a snausage?  Yes, of course it does.  Good boy.

They're very nice, but I'm still going to need drinks first.

Now, it may not have escaped your notice that the Vizsla knows a thing or two about a thing or two.  But that is not to say that there aren't a fair number of things out there that I find... well, I'm going to go with 'Perplexing'*.

*Because it's a good word and doesn't get enough usage.  Also, it seemed less judge-y that 'whack-ass'

One of those things that perplexes me is a current trend I've noticed in footwear.

Namely, what the hell is up with the sudden inrush of sneakers with day-glo neon accents, soles, and whatnot?  (Nobody deserves the heartbreak of a dayglo whatnot, btw)

In the last month or so I've seen no end of sneakers (or 'cross-trainers' if you're trying to justify how much you paid for them) in Bright Orange, Radioactive Hulk Green and Hot Pink walking through these our city's skyways.

It's as if suddenly half of the city has had a burning desire to make the unequivocal statement to the world; "Hey!  I have Feet!"

Which got me thinking about bright colors in nature.  From an evolutionary biology standpoint, the whole purpose of having bright colors on or about oneself is to attract the attention of possible sexual partners.  You know - the way the Kardashians use it.

So, is the entire city suddenly making a concerted effort to bed me?  Should I be more cautious walking to the parking ramp?

But then you also have to factor in the work of Lyall Watson - Specifically his book 'Dark Nature: A Natural History of Evil' which I honestly cannot recommend highly enough as a good read.

 I'm sure you've all already read it, so I'll  just get to the relevant point- The reason, he argues, that brightly colored beings are so much more bone-able is kind of counter-intuitive.  Specifically, anything that has predators and is brightly colored is much more visible to the aforementioned predators and is therefor MUCH more likely to get eaten or killed (or shot - if we're talking about North Minneapolis).

Therefore, being brightly colored - which rightly should be an evolutionary disadvantage - actually turns out to be an advantage when it comes to being super-sexy, since it implies that your genes must be extra super strong for your family line to have made it this far, what with all the being eaten, killed and shot that your ancestors must have had to make it through.

So, I think we all see what the only logical conclusion is.

The brightly colored sneaker people* either want you to have sex with them OR attempt to kill them so that they will seem sexier to other people.

You'll have to make your own call on a case-by-case basis.

*Either the best band name ever or the worst.  Possibly both.