So I can't help but notice that recently the entire Internet was
taken over by Zimbio* and their determined attempt to assign all of us
brand new, predetermined identities.
*Sometimes Buzzfeed. But mostly Zimbio.
What's
more, you can be assigned no end of new personalities. So it's
perfectly OK for you to be Marshall on the 'Which How I Met Your Mother
Character are you' quiz AND Neve Campbell on the 'Which Wild Things
character are you*' quiz AND Dominant Top on the 'Which Hardcore S&M
Erotica Character are you' quiz.
*OK, It gave me Denise Richards. But I'm totally Neve Campbell. Ask anyone.
Yes,
It appears that Zimbio doesn't care much how many new identities it
gives you or even what they are. All Zimbio cares about is that your
current identity must be destroyed. As quickly as possible.
Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that Zimbio hates you.
Here
then is a list of possible reasons why Zimbio might hate the current
'You'. You should identify which applies to you and take steps to heal
the relationship. Because, honestly, I can hardly get to my Candy Crush
requests through all of the quiz result postings.
1. You owe Zimbio money.
2. You knocked up Zimbio's kid sister
3. You cold-cocked Zimbio in a bar fight
4. Zimbio really desperately loves you but lacks the emotional maturity to process those feelings.
5. You cut Zimbio off in traffic
6. Zimbio's having its meds adjusted and is just really off right now. Sorry, Man.
7. Zimbio is a mean drunk
8.
You got Zimbio fired by planting a false rumor about Zimbio being the
one that took the money from the office coffee fund can.
9. Your online fanfic 'How Zimbio totally sucks' was unfair and hurtful.
10. Zimbio is just kind of a jerk
I hope this helps clear up the situation.
You're welcome, internet.
The 42nd Vizsla - Because there were already 41 Vizslas registered here.
Sunday, August 31, 2014
Friday, August 29, 2014
What Flesh Eating Bacteria Are You?
Sure, everybody dreams of being a flesh eating bacteria deep down inside. But which kind are you?
Answer these simple questions to find out your true inner flesh eating bacteria!
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
1- BLUE
2- GREEN
3- YELLOW
4- SNOT
WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO GO ON VACATION?
1- THE SEASIDE
2- THE WORLD OF WARCRAFT
3- SOMEWHERE POOR TO DO MISSIONARY WORK
4- THE BASEMENT WITH A SHOTGUN
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE IMAGINARY NUMBER?
1- i
2- i
3- i
4- i
WHAT WORD DO YOU HATE THE MOST
1- MOIST
2- NIPPLE
3- MOIST NIPPLE
4- SARAH PALIN
Answer these simple questions to find out your true inner flesh eating bacteria!
QUESTION ONE
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE COLOR?
1- BLUE
2- GREEN
3- YELLOW
4- SNOT
QUESTION TWO
WHERE WOULD YOU MOST LIKE TO GO ON VACATION?
1- THE SEASIDE
2- THE WORLD OF WARCRAFT
3- SOMEWHERE POOR TO DO MISSIONARY WORK
4- THE BASEMENT WITH A SHOTGUN
QUESTION THREE
WHAT IS YOUR FAVORITE IMAGINARY NUMBER?
1- i
2- i
3- i
4- i
QUESTION FOUR
WHAT WORD DO YOU HATE THE MOST
1- MOIST
2- NIPPLE
3- MOIST NIPPLE
4- SARAH PALIN
SCROLL DOWN FOR YOUR RESULTS!
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
.
CONGRATULATIONS! YOU ARE -
Methicillin-resistant Staphylococcus aureus
Thursday, August 28, 2014
People in Hell Have A Difficult Time Doing the ASL Challenge
On the off chance that you've been significantly out of the loop lately,* there's this thing called the ALS Ice Bucket Challenge that is currently eating the Internet.
*like, living in a Yurt in the middle of an uncharted island with your fingers in your ears shouting LALALALALALALA as loud as you can
ALS - Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis - is more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease, named such for the most famous sufferer from it. You can learn more about ALS here at their official website.
Short version - For reasons that aren't entirely clear it causes your nervous system to say , 'Ah, screw it.' and very slowly shut down your ability to control any and all of your muscles.
In an effort to increase awareness - and more importantly, money - of/for ALS research, Lately there has been a fad wherein people are dumping buckets of ice water over their heads and compulsively posting video of the event on Facebook.*
*OK, there's slightly more of a through-line than that. If you're challenged to do this you have the choice of either donating $100 to ALS research or filming your own video of you dumping ice water over your head and donating only $10 to ALS research.** You then challenge a few other friends to make this same choice, and the whole thing continues perpetuating itself beyond the point of all reason, much like racism or the Duggars.
**Your third option of course is to do neither and just ignore the whole thing, although that may well lead to everyone you know on Facebook silently judging you.***
***But let's be honest, they're probably doing that anyway.
If it hasn't already become clear, I have tremendously mixed feelings about this whole thing. And so, in the interest of sorting out the pros and cons of the issue and once and for all figuring out how we feel about it, I will now sort out the pros and cons and figure out once and for all how we all feel about it.
You're welcome, Universe.
It really does make a nice change from the usual usage of Facebook (e.g. telling people when you're not at home so they can burgle you and posting articles specifically designed to piss off half of the people who read them), but it's probably just a matter of time before it reverts to being the usual Shrieking Narcissistic Indignation Machine that we've come to know and love. So all the more reason to enjoy watching people actually try to use it to help others. Right?
Seriously, how's anybody supposed to pimp they're super-awesome blog when the posts are instantly buried beneath hundreds of gallons of ice water that the good people of California would actually quite like to be drinking and bathing in right at the moment.
Endless videos of drinking water being poured onto lush green lawns is probably notthe highlight of their day.
Come on, admit it. We're all adults here.
This is a serious issue for a lot of people. Many folks are just flat out refusing to do the whole ice bucket thing because they can't support cruelty to animals.
In full disclosure, while I get and respect their point of view (and live in fear that Grant Morrison will one day read this and thus rule out all chance of he and I getting matching BFF tattoos), I actually feel that there is a time and circumstance where Animal Testing is morally justified.
Typically this is one of those topics that most 'nice' people just pretend doesn't exist, so this is a good thing.
So... where does this leave us.
More confused than ever, that's where.
See, this is why it's a mistake to try to address your feelings. That's all I'm saying.
*like, living in a Yurt in the middle of an uncharted island with your fingers in your ears shouting LALALALALALALA as loud as you can
ALS - Amyotrophic lateral sclerosis - is more commonly known as Lou Gehrig's disease, named such for the most famous sufferer from it. You can learn more about ALS here at their official website.
Short version - For reasons that aren't entirely clear it causes your nervous system to say , 'Ah, screw it.' and very slowly shut down your ability to control any and all of your muscles.
In an effort to increase awareness - and more importantly, money - of/for ALS research, Lately there has been a fad wherein people are dumping buckets of ice water over their heads and compulsively posting video of the event on Facebook.*
*OK, there's slightly more of a through-line than that. If you're challenged to do this you have the choice of either donating $100 to ALS research or filming your own video of you dumping ice water over your head and donating only $10 to ALS research.** You then challenge a few other friends to make this same choice, and the whole thing continues perpetuating itself beyond the point of all reason, much like racism or the Duggars.
**Your third option of course is to do neither and just ignore the whole thing, although that may well lead to everyone you know on Facebook silently judging you.***
***But let's be honest, they're probably doing that anyway.
If it hasn't already become clear, I have tremendously mixed feelings about this whole thing. And so, in the interest of sorting out the pros and cons of the issue and once and for all figuring out how we feel about it, I will now sort out the pros and cons and figure out once and for all how we all feel about it.
You're welcome, Universe.
PRO- It's pleasant to see the Internet be used for something besides people being total dicks to each other for a change.
It really does make a nice change from the usual usage of Facebook (e.g. telling people when you're not at home so they can burgle you and posting articles specifically designed to piss off half of the people who read them), but it's probably just a matter of time before it reverts to being the usual Shrieking Narcissistic Indignation Machine that we've come to know and love. So all the more reason to enjoy watching people actually try to use it to help others. Right?
CON - At this point your Facebook newsfeed is literally nothing but Soggy shivering people with poor sound quality.
Seriously, how's anybody supposed to pimp they're super-awesome blog when the posts are instantly buried beneath hundreds of gallons of ice water that the good people of California would actually quite like to be drinking and bathing in right at the moment.
oh yeah - CON - California's going through the worst drought in a good fair while at the moment.
Endless videos of drinking water being poured onto lush green lawns is probably notthe highlight of their day.
PRO - There's a legitimate subset of your Facebook friends that you would genuinely like to see in a wet T-shirt.
Come on, admit it. We're all adults here.
CON - There's a significant component of ALS research that involves animal testing.
This is a serious issue for a lot of people. Many folks are just flat out refusing to do the whole ice bucket thing because they can't support cruelty to animals.
In full disclosure, while I get and respect their point of view (and live in fear that Grant Morrison will one day read this and thus rule out all chance of he and I getting matching BFF tattoos), I actually feel that there is a time and circumstance where Animal Testing is morally justified.
PRO - It's actually causing people to discuss the ethics of Animal Testing
Typically this is one of those topics that most 'nice' people just pretend doesn't exist, so this is a good thing.
So... where does this leave us.
More confused than ever, that's where.
See, this is why it's a mistake to try to address your feelings. That's all I'm saying.
Tuesday, August 26, 2014
Baby's First NRA Approved Reading List
A few weeks ago I became aware of a new Children's book published by the ironically titled 'White Feather Press'.
The book's title - My Parent's Open Carry. You can find their official website here. I post a link to it because I'm going to start making fun of them in a few moments and I feel like they deserve a couple of click-throughs in karmic compensation. It's all about balance, people.
First things first - Yes, they've named the gun-toting father 'Dick Strong'.
NO compensation there. No sir.
My next observation is that I initially mis-read the title as 'My Parents Open Marriage', which honestly strikes me as a much more interesting children's book and now I'm wondering if there are actually books out there specifically designed to explain Mommy and Daddy's Swingin' Lifestyle to the under-tens.
Perhaps, 'Mommy, Daddy, and 'Uncle' Jeff. And Sometimes a High School Lacrosse Team'*
*Someone please publish that as soon as possible. Think of the children.
Now obviously there are a lot of amusing observations to be made about this book. But fortunately we don't have to make the effort to write them here because the good people at the online product review section of the book's entry on Amazon.com have already done that for us.
With thanks to George Takei for alerting us to this comedy goldmine.
The book's title - My Parent's Open Carry. You can find their official website here. I post a link to it because I'm going to start making fun of them in a few moments and I feel like they deserve a couple of click-throughs in karmic compensation. It's all about balance, people.
First things first - Yes, they've named the gun-toting father 'Dick Strong'.
NO compensation there. No sir.
My next observation is that I initially mis-read the title as 'My Parents Open Marriage', which honestly strikes me as a much more interesting children's book and now I'm wondering if there are actually books out there specifically designed to explain Mommy and Daddy's Swingin' Lifestyle to the under-tens.
Perhaps, 'Mommy, Daddy, and 'Uncle' Jeff. And Sometimes a High School Lacrosse Team'*
*Someone please publish that as soon as possible. Think of the children.
Now obviously there are a lot of amusing observations to be made about this book. But fortunately we don't have to make the effort to write them here because the good people at the online product review section of the book's entry on Amazon.com have already done that for us.
With thanks to George Takei for alerting us to this comedy goldmine.
Monday, August 25, 2014
I'm A Little Worried About Anna Faris...
Dude. Don't panic.
But she's totally standing right over there behind you.
I told you not to look!
Oh... well, I meant to tell you not to look. For the love of crap, 'don't look' was clearly implied when I told you not to panic. Why the HELL would I recommend you look at something that might cause you to panic? WHY??
Don't move. We're safe as long as we don't move. Her vision is based on movement. If we just stay absolutely still we...
God DAMN it, why would you reach for your beer when I literally just told you seconds ago not to move! Alright, yes, Nordeast is refreshing and tasty and god knows we're all a little stressed out right now, but for the love of... HOLY CRAP, I think she just smelled us on the breeze! She definitely took a few deep sniffs and cocked her head in this direction. I hope your freakin' Axe Body Spray was worth it man! I HOPE IT WAS WORTH SMELLING LIKE A LIFETIME FITNESS LOBBY WHEN SHE AND CHRIS PRATT ARE PICKING THEIR TEETH WITH YOUR TRENDY SMELLING BONES!
What?
Yeah, they're married.
Oh I know, It was an awesome movie.
I totally agree, he WAS the heart and soul of OH SHIT SHE'S MOVING THIS WAY!!!!
Keep cool man. Keep cool.
She might not even be hungry right now...
Everybody just stay calm...
But she's totally standing right over there behind you.
I told you not to look!
Oh... well, I meant to tell you not to look. For the love of crap, 'don't look' was clearly implied when I told you not to panic. Why the HELL would I recommend you look at something that might cause you to panic? WHY??
Don't move. We're safe as long as we don't move. Her vision is based on movement. If we just stay absolutely still we...
God DAMN it, why would you reach for your beer when I literally just told you seconds ago not to move! Alright, yes, Nordeast is refreshing and tasty and god knows we're all a little stressed out right now, but for the love of... HOLY CRAP, I think she just smelled us on the breeze! She definitely took a few deep sniffs and cocked her head in this direction. I hope your freakin' Axe Body Spray was worth it man! I HOPE IT WAS WORTH SMELLING LIKE A LIFETIME FITNESS LOBBY WHEN SHE AND CHRIS PRATT ARE PICKING THEIR TEETH WITH YOUR TRENDY SMELLING BONES!
What?
Yeah, they're married.
Oh I know, It was an awesome movie.
I totally agree, he WAS the heart and soul of OH SHIT SHE'S MOVING THIS WAY!!!!
Keep cool man. Keep cool.
She might not even be hungry right now...
Everybody just stay calm...
Sunday, August 24, 2014
Vizsla Flashback - Adorable Puppy? or BlackHearted Homewrecker?
So like many of you, I spent a good chunk of yesterday evening being not particularly interested in the Superbowl.
-Note for foreign readers - It's basically the world cup with shoulder pads and not inviting any other countries.
Not only did I not give half a crap about either team to begin with, but one of them proceeded to not even bother to show up and play, instead loaning their uniforms to a local girl scout troupe for the evening.
-Note for all readers - NOT a slam on the Girl Scouts. The Girl Scouts are awesome. In terms of both inclusiveness and shortbread cookies.
So, like 98% of people who watch the Superbowl in any case, I was pretty much just there for the commercials. If nothing else it's interesting to see what some marketing department feels is a good usage of 3.8-4 million dollars.*
*Other than, you know, feeding Africa for a good fair while. Or the US for that matter.
Toward the end of the proceedings there was a beer commercial for a brand that I will not name because they are not paying me and it's about standards. You can find the commercial here.
If you've brushed right by the link, I'll sum up. There's a farm selling puppies. A puppy is shown being adopted by a nice lady, then we see the puppy repeatedly sneaking back onto the farm to be with his horse friend. Montage of Farmer returning puppy to The Woman/puppy sneaking back. Finally The Woman's car is stopped by the rest of the horses who have apparently manned up and decided that they were sick and tired of the whole process. Cue final shot of Woman and Farmer watching the puppy and horse prance delightedly. (well... the puppy prances. The horse just sort of stands there.)
The thing to immediately notice about the ad is that it uses a song by the band Passenger, and Passenger is freaking Awesome, so they get some good will points there.
The second thing to notice is that the puppy is clearly trying to end the Woman's marriage.
Go back and look. At 31 seconds we see the Woman picking the puppy up from the farmer yet again. And clear as day we see with her a man in sunglasses, texting indifferently, who is clearly wearing a wedding ring. Yes he is. Go look.
At 42 seconds the same man is driving the car which is stopped by threatening horses. Woman and puppy in car with him.
At 56 seconds we see the Woman and the Farmer watching the puppy/horse action (easy, Shriner!) under a romantic sunset. You notice who isn't there? Her FREAKIN' HUSBAND!
Clearly this blackhearted (yet admittedly adorable) puppy has just torpedoed what was, for all we know, a perfectly happy marriage. All for his own selfish reasons.
Who can say why the puppy took such cruel and calculating steps to destroy this man's life. Perhaps the Man was mean to him. Maybe it was simply all about getting back to his horse friend and damn anyone else who got hurt in the process. Could be he just thought the Farmer was better looking than the other guy (and fair enough- he is) and thought the Woman deserved to trade up. Maybe he's just an evil puppy who gets his kicks out of watching the suffering of others (although that's usually more of a 'cat' thing.)
We'll never know what exactly drove the puppy to ruin a man's life. But I look forward to the followup commercial in which we see The Man, sitting at some dive bar drinking the same beer ranting 'Goddamn dog! I had it all! The House! The Wife! Jesus Christ, we were so happy... soo happy... Why'd I have to suggest a dog... Why? Why????'
Anybody have a spare 3.8 million I can borrow?
-Note for foreign readers - It's basically the world cup with shoulder pads and not inviting any other countries.
Not only did I not give half a crap about either team to begin with, but one of them proceeded to not even bother to show up and play, instead loaning their uniforms to a local girl scout troupe for the evening.
-Note for all readers - NOT a slam on the Girl Scouts. The Girl Scouts are awesome. In terms of both inclusiveness and shortbread cookies.
So, like 98% of people who watch the Superbowl in any case, I was pretty much just there for the commercials. If nothing else it's interesting to see what some marketing department feels is a good usage of 3.8-4 million dollars.*
*Other than, you know, feeding Africa for a good fair while. Or the US for that matter.
Toward the end of the proceedings there was a beer commercial for a brand that I will not name because they are not paying me and it's about standards. You can find the commercial here.
If you've brushed right by the link, I'll sum up. There's a farm selling puppies. A puppy is shown being adopted by a nice lady, then we see the puppy repeatedly sneaking back onto the farm to be with his horse friend. Montage of Farmer returning puppy to The Woman/puppy sneaking back. Finally The Woman's car is stopped by the rest of the horses who have apparently manned up and decided that they were sick and tired of the whole process. Cue final shot of Woman and Farmer watching the puppy and horse prance delightedly. (well... the puppy prances. The horse just sort of stands there.)
The thing to immediately notice about the ad is that it uses a song by the band Passenger, and Passenger is freaking Awesome, so they get some good will points there.
The second thing to notice is that the puppy is clearly trying to end the Woman's marriage.
Go back and look. At 31 seconds we see the Woman picking the puppy up from the farmer yet again. And clear as day we see with her a man in sunglasses, texting indifferently, who is clearly wearing a wedding ring. Yes he is. Go look.
At 42 seconds the same man is driving the car which is stopped by threatening horses. Woman and puppy in car with him.
At 56 seconds we see the Woman and the Farmer watching the puppy/horse action (easy, Shriner!) under a romantic sunset. You notice who isn't there? Her FREAKIN' HUSBAND!
Clearly this blackhearted (yet admittedly adorable) puppy has just torpedoed what was, for all we know, a perfectly happy marriage. All for his own selfish reasons.
Who can say why the puppy took such cruel and calculating steps to destroy this man's life. Perhaps the Man was mean to him. Maybe it was simply all about getting back to his horse friend and damn anyone else who got hurt in the process. Could be he just thought the Farmer was better looking than the other guy (and fair enough- he is) and thought the Woman deserved to trade up. Maybe he's just an evil puppy who gets his kicks out of watching the suffering of others (although that's usually more of a 'cat' thing.)
We'll never know what exactly drove the puppy to ruin a man's life. But I look forward to the followup commercial in which we see The Man, sitting at some dive bar drinking the same beer ranting 'Goddamn dog! I had it all! The House! The Wife! Jesus Christ, we were so happy... soo happy... Why'd I have to suggest a dog... Why? Why????'
Anybody have a spare 3.8 million I can borrow?
Sunday, August 17, 2014
Vizsla Flashback - The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale
It goes without saying by and large that there can be a great deal of
difference between the types of character an actor might play and their
real life personality.
Similarly, many celebrities have public personas that are very different to who they are on a day to day basis.
Just because someone might seem charming on E! doesn't mean they wouldn't clock you with a shovel and bury you in their basement. But how are we, the unwashed public, to know where the greatest dangers lie?
Well, in the interest of public safety, allow me to present the solution.
We at Vizsla Enterprises are pleased to present to you-
The scale runs as follows: on a gradient from -7 to +7, celebrities are rated as to the active threat that they might pose to you, should you be alone with them in their home.
Named after the Celebrities at either end of the threat scale, at -7 we have Mark Harmon. A Harmon level celebrity presents no threat whatsoever, and indeed will actively help you, a mere nobody, in case you find yourself imperiled in their vicinity.
Other examples of Harmon level celebrities include Steve Buscemi, who actually used to be an FDNY firefighter and still goes to large scale disasters to assist without publicizing it, which makes him cooler than most of us.
At the other extreme, the titular +7 celebrity is Jon Voight. Under no circumstances should you be alone with Jon Voight. DO not enter his home. DO not take candy from his minivan. DO not turn when he says, 'Hey, what's that over there?' a +7 Celebrity represents an active threat to your health and well being. You have been warned.
Other +7 celebrities include Charles Manson and the shark from Jaws
for perspective, here's where some other big names fall-
Harrison Ford: -5. He'd probably helicopter in to save you from a fire, but if you ask him about Star Wars he will also push you back out again.
Angelina Jolie: On her own +6. If Brad Pitt is in the room with her I'd go as low as +3, but no lower. If she really wanted to rip your throat out with her own teeth he might try to talk her down, but he sure wouldn't get in the way.
The Rock: -4. If he saw you getting mugged he'd totally beat the guy up for you. Probably.
George Clooney: +/- 0. Nonreactive. If he saw you getting mugged he might feel bad about it for a bit.
Woody Harrelson: +2. Volatile. Could swing by 3 points in either direction depending on mood and medication.
Amy Acker: -3. She'd probably make you cookies if you asked nicely.
Similarly, many celebrities have public personas that are very different to who they are on a day to day basis.
Just because someone might seem charming on E! doesn't mean they wouldn't clock you with a shovel and bury you in their basement. But how are we, the unwashed public, to know where the greatest dangers lie?
Well, in the interest of public safety, allow me to present the solution.
We at Vizsla Enterprises are pleased to present to you-
The Harmon/Voight Celebrity Threat Assessment Scale
patent pending
The scale runs as follows: on a gradient from -7 to +7, celebrities are rated as to the active threat that they might pose to you, should you be alone with them in their home.
Named after the Celebrities at either end of the threat scale, at -7 we have Mark Harmon. A Harmon level celebrity presents no threat whatsoever, and indeed will actively help you, a mere nobody, in case you find yourself imperiled in their vicinity.
Other examples of Harmon level celebrities include Steve Buscemi, who actually used to be an FDNY firefighter and still goes to large scale disasters to assist without publicizing it, which makes him cooler than most of us.
At the other extreme, the titular +7 celebrity is Jon Voight. Under no circumstances should you be alone with Jon Voight. DO not enter his home. DO not take candy from his minivan. DO not turn when he says, 'Hey, what's that over there?' a +7 Celebrity represents an active threat to your health and well being. You have been warned.
Other +7 celebrities include Charles Manson and the shark from Jaws
for perspective, here's where some other big names fall-
Harrison Ford: -5. He'd probably helicopter in to save you from a fire, but if you ask him about Star Wars he will also push you back out again.
Angelina Jolie: On her own +6. If Brad Pitt is in the room with her I'd go as low as +3, but no lower. If she really wanted to rip your throat out with her own teeth he might try to talk her down, but he sure wouldn't get in the way.
The Rock: -4. If he saw you getting mugged he'd totally beat the guy up for you. Probably.
George Clooney: +/- 0. Nonreactive. If he saw you getting mugged he might feel bad about it for a bit.
Woody Harrelson: +2. Volatile. Could swing by 3 points in either direction depending on mood and medication.
Amy Acker: -3. She'd probably make you cookies if you asked nicely.
Thursday, August 14, 2014
The Glorious Tale of The Quest For Don Shelby's Coffee.
For those who might not already be aware, I work for public television for my day job.*
*Seriously people. Start clicking on the ads. I have a deep and spiritual need to stop having to wear pants.
Well, it's pledge drive again, and with pledge drive comes On Air Talent. For the pundits at home, these are the people you see on your TV screen interrupting Downton Abbey or Vicious* or Whatever to ask you to call in and donate money.
*Seriously, isn't Vicious just the funniest show ever?
This is a bit more effective when the people asking for money are in some way well known, or have some level of celebrity. Which is why we were particularly pleased a few years ago when Don Shelby, Emmy Award winning local news anchor, retired from his news desk and agreed to regularly come in during pledge drives to shill for us on air.
I want to mention at this point that the Man has a style of necktie knot named for him. Seriously. The Shelby Knot. Google it.
In his spare time, when he isn't pioneering new ways of fashioning neck wear, winning Emmy's, or fighting off panthers in Burma (one assumes) he is also a serious Sherlock Holmes enthusiast. I, being a huge Stephen Moffat enthusiast, have enjoyed speaking with him several times on the topic of BBC's Sherlock.
We were engaged in one of those conversations this evening as he was attempting to buy a cup of coffee* from the vending machine in our lunchroom. Unfortunately the machine was not cooperating and kept spitting out his change. Slightly frustrated he eventually said something along the lines of 'Oh well, I should get back in the studio for the next break anyway.' With that he turned and left the room, all thoughts of a delightful cup of coffee apparently dismissed from his mind.
*Decaf, black. If you were wondering.
But the thought was not dismissed from mine. Oh no. I knew one thing at that moment clearer than I had ever known any other truth in my life.
I was going to buy Don Shelby a cup of coffee.
Hell. Yes. I was.
Don Shelby was not going to go without coffee, decaf or otherwise.
Not on my watch.
I immediately leaped to action, rooting through my pocket for change. I was just 45 cent from making it happen.
I put a quarter in the machine.
The machine politely spit the quarter right back out at me.
I put the quarter in again. It again passed directly through to the coin return and landed at my feet. Again.
After three more attempts I determined that the machine was probably not going to take the quarter.
I moved on to a dime. Same effect. Just to be sure I tried that another five times too. Same effect.
Getting slightly frantic now, I moved on to the nickle. I put the nickle into the coin slot and gently pushed, hoping against hope that it wasn't about to end up by my shoes.
The nickle slid down the chute and with a gentle click was accepted by the recalcitrant machine. I had achieved a .05 credit.
I quickly found another nickle in my pocket and, mentally crossing my fingers, slid it into the slot. It also was accepted. A third nickle; a third success. I had cracked the code. The coffee machine only liked nickles.
Slight hitch - I'd only had the three nickles.
Frantically I ran from office to office in the building, leaving my precious .15 credit on the machine. Don must have coffee. Don must have coffee. I looked into each room hoping to find a person who was A: There and B: Had nickles (which is harder to judge at a casual glance than you might imagine.)
I heard voices coming from the telemarketing department assistant supervisors office. Bursting in, eyes slightly crazed, all I could get out was 'Nickles! Don! Coffee!'
There was a polite silence. Finally he said, '... I have nickles....'
'Nickles!' I agreed. There was a time when he might have asked followup questions at this point, but he's known me far too long for that sort of thing and instead simply handed me six nickles out of his change jar and went back to whatever it was he had been doing.
I raced back to the coffee machine, victory within my grasp. I put another nickle in the machine. Then another. Thirty cents. Thirty Five. Forty. One more nickle and Don's coffee was mine. Well... Don's, but you know what I mean.
I put the final nickle in... And the machine promptly spit it out on my shoes.
I looked on in disbelief. Come ON coffee machine. We had a deal! I cracked your nickle code and now you owed me fealty!
After five or six more attempts to pass the nickle I finally got frustrated and hit the change return button, and the machine promptly spit a nickle, a dime and a quarter at me.
I glared down at this mysterious bastard change of mysterious origin and was forced to conclude that the coffee machine was just fucking with me now.
With bad grace I slammed the quarter back into the machine that spawned it and was somewhat surprised when the machine accepted it. Confused, I tried the dime. It was accepted as well. The nickle... also accepted. Hesitantly, scarcely daring to hope, I put in the final nickle, the nickle that had already been rejected no less than ten times.
With a smug click, the machine took it. The coffee was paid for.
Now, I'm fairly certain that I'd just been trained for something using operant conditioning and that's probably going to be a problem at some point. But at that moment all I cared about was getting that full cardboard cup of scalding hot decaf coffee out of the machine and into Don's hands as quickly as possible.
I got ten steps before I remembered that I have a serious tremor and under no circumstances should I be carrying full cups of scalding coffee unless I had a deep and abiding need for third degree burns.
Fortunately at that moment the same long-suffering Telemarketing Department Assistant Supervisor walked by and, with a relatively deep sigh, took the cup of coffee from me and carried it into the green room where Don would find it waiting after the break.
Filled with triumph, I walked up to where Don was standing in the studio, waiting for his next pledge break segment and said, 'I... uh.. your coffee is in the green room Mr. Shelby.'
'Oh.' he said. 'Thanks.' and then returned to what he was doing.
That's right universe.
Totally winning.
Boom.
*Seriously people. Start clicking on the ads. I have a deep and spiritual need to stop having to wear pants.
Well, it's pledge drive again, and with pledge drive comes On Air Talent. For the pundits at home, these are the people you see on your TV screen interrupting Downton Abbey or Vicious* or Whatever to ask you to call in and donate money.
*Seriously, isn't Vicious just the funniest show ever?
This is a bit more effective when the people asking for money are in some way well known, or have some level of celebrity. Which is why we were particularly pleased a few years ago when Don Shelby, Emmy Award winning local news anchor, retired from his news desk and agreed to regularly come in during pledge drives to shill for us on air.
I want to mention at this point that the Man has a style of necktie knot named for him. Seriously. The Shelby Knot. Google it.
In his spare time, when he isn't pioneering new ways of fashioning neck wear, winning Emmy's, or fighting off panthers in Burma (one assumes) he is also a serious Sherlock Holmes enthusiast. I, being a huge Stephen Moffat enthusiast, have enjoyed speaking with him several times on the topic of BBC's Sherlock.
We were engaged in one of those conversations this evening as he was attempting to buy a cup of coffee* from the vending machine in our lunchroom. Unfortunately the machine was not cooperating and kept spitting out his change. Slightly frustrated he eventually said something along the lines of 'Oh well, I should get back in the studio for the next break anyway.' With that he turned and left the room, all thoughts of a delightful cup of coffee apparently dismissed from his mind.
*Decaf, black. If you were wondering.
But the thought was not dismissed from mine. Oh no. I knew one thing at that moment clearer than I had ever known any other truth in my life.
I was going to buy Don Shelby a cup of coffee.
Hell. Yes. I was.
Don Shelby was not going to go without coffee, decaf or otherwise.
Not on my watch.
I immediately leaped to action, rooting through my pocket for change. I was just 45 cent from making it happen.
I put a quarter in the machine.
The machine politely spit the quarter right back out at me.
I put the quarter in again. It again passed directly through to the coin return and landed at my feet. Again.
After three more attempts I determined that the machine was probably not going to take the quarter.
I moved on to a dime. Same effect. Just to be sure I tried that another five times too. Same effect.
Getting slightly frantic now, I moved on to the nickle. I put the nickle into the coin slot and gently pushed, hoping against hope that it wasn't about to end up by my shoes.
The nickle slid down the chute and with a gentle click was accepted by the recalcitrant machine. I had achieved a .05 credit.
I quickly found another nickle in my pocket and, mentally crossing my fingers, slid it into the slot. It also was accepted. A third nickle; a third success. I had cracked the code. The coffee machine only liked nickles.
Slight hitch - I'd only had the three nickles.
Frantically I ran from office to office in the building, leaving my precious .15 credit on the machine. Don must have coffee. Don must have coffee. I looked into each room hoping to find a person who was A: There and B: Had nickles (which is harder to judge at a casual glance than you might imagine.)
I heard voices coming from the telemarketing department assistant supervisors office. Bursting in, eyes slightly crazed, all I could get out was 'Nickles! Don! Coffee!'
There was a polite silence. Finally he said, '... I have nickles....'
'Nickles!' I agreed. There was a time when he might have asked followup questions at this point, but he's known me far too long for that sort of thing and instead simply handed me six nickles out of his change jar and went back to whatever it was he had been doing.
I raced back to the coffee machine, victory within my grasp. I put another nickle in the machine. Then another. Thirty cents. Thirty Five. Forty. One more nickle and Don's coffee was mine. Well... Don's, but you know what I mean.
I put the final nickle in... And the machine promptly spit it out on my shoes.
I looked on in disbelief. Come ON coffee machine. We had a deal! I cracked your nickle code and now you owed me fealty!
After five or six more attempts to pass the nickle I finally got frustrated and hit the change return button, and the machine promptly spit a nickle, a dime and a quarter at me.
I glared down at this mysterious bastard change of mysterious origin and was forced to conclude that the coffee machine was just fucking with me now.
With bad grace I slammed the quarter back into the machine that spawned it and was somewhat surprised when the machine accepted it. Confused, I tried the dime. It was accepted as well. The nickle... also accepted. Hesitantly, scarcely daring to hope, I put in the final nickle, the nickle that had already been rejected no less than ten times.
With a smug click, the machine took it. The coffee was paid for.
Now, I'm fairly certain that I'd just been trained for something using operant conditioning and that's probably going to be a problem at some point. But at that moment all I cared about was getting that full cardboard cup of scalding hot decaf coffee out of the machine and into Don's hands as quickly as possible.
I got ten steps before I remembered that I have a serious tremor and under no circumstances should I be carrying full cups of scalding coffee unless I had a deep and abiding need for third degree burns.
Fortunately at that moment the same long-suffering Telemarketing Department Assistant Supervisor walked by and, with a relatively deep sigh, took the cup of coffee from me and carried it into the green room where Don would find it waiting after the break.
Filled with triumph, I walked up to where Don was standing in the studio, waiting for his next pledge break segment and said, 'I... uh.. your coffee is in the green room Mr. Shelby.'
'Oh.' he said. 'Thanks.' and then returned to what he was doing.
That's right universe.
Totally winning.
Boom.
Tuesday, August 5, 2014
A Dream Is A Wish Your Heart Makes
And apparently I wish to be mauled by a werewolf while I'm naked at Walmart.
To be fair, that's hardly likely to be the most disturbing thing happening at Walmart.
To be fair, that's hardly likely to be the most disturbing thing happening at Walmart.
Monday, August 4, 2014
More Uninformed Thoughts About Social Media
So... where were we...
Ah, right. Social media and my complete lack of accurate information regarding it.
The rules are the same as Friday - I'll bring up a social media platform, give a brief account of what I think it is, then go away and do the research and see how far off I was.
Today we're delving into the murkier depths, so I plan on being more wrong than usual. Just FYI.
Let's start again with one that I actually belong to -
LinkedIn
Pre-Research (or 'presearch', a word I am totally coining right this very moment. Let's see how long it takes before it turns up on Vampire Diaries.)-
This one is (from the little time I've spent on it) a big electronic cocktail party where every professional person you've ever met tries to get jobs for or from one another. Basically it's Facebook where you're only allowed to talk about how awesome you are at your job.
Also there is now apparently an 'endorse' feature, which sort of allows you to pinky swear to the world that 'so and so' is good at 'random skill'.
Unfortunately they have immediately gone out of their way to make that function completely useless by making it some sort of popup button that asks you if you want to endorse so and so for whatever verb it suggests, thus rendering the recommendation completely unreliable. I personally have been endorsed for my skills in Dutch Needlework, Playing the Baritone Ukelele and Ovulating.
Post-Research-
According to LinkIn, they are - 'a business-oriented social networking service. Founded in December 2002 and launched on May 5, 2003, it is mainly used for professional networking'
Also their logo looks a bit like a boss bending an employee over and preparing to vigorously roger them from behind.
OK, it doesn't really, unless you already have that image planted in your brain. But from now on you're going to think of that every time you look at their logo. You're welcome.
Reddit
Presearch-
I have a sort of vague idea that this has something to do with letting other people know what you're been reading. But that may well be just because the name sounds like 'Read it' so that could be a load of hooey.
Post-Research-
Hmmm. Well according to Reddit, Reddit is 'The Front Page of the Internet', which seems a little cocky. In practice what it appears to be is an online news source where the 'news' content is just submitted by any old person (as long as they're registered) and then voted 'up' or 'down' by the rest of the readership.
Because, I don't know about you, but I've often thought that the problem with reliable news sources is that they don't completely eliminate editors and fact checking and then rate the validity of the news based on audience popularity.
Don't we already have Fox for that?
On the other hand, it does currently have a link titled 'Man Locks Himself In Hot Car To Prove That Babies And Dogs Are Cowards' So there's that.
Presearch -
I genuinely have absolutely no idea what Foursquare does or is. I'm not even 100% sure that it even exists and isn't just something I had a weird dream about.
Post-Research-
Why in God's name would I ever want to do that?
Seriously?
OK, so apparently you can become a mayor of a fictional concept-village by being the one who tells the most people where you're going out to eat.
If you're Tony Soprano, you'll probably want to pass on this one.
Pinterest
Presearch -
A place to make your own personal collection of pictures of cats and gardening.
Post-Research-
Wow. That is a lot of pictures of food.
Ah, right. Social media and my complete lack of accurate information regarding it.
The rules are the same as Friday - I'll bring up a social media platform, give a brief account of what I think it is, then go away and do the research and see how far off I was.
Today we're delving into the murkier depths, so I plan on being more wrong than usual. Just FYI.
Let's start again with one that I actually belong to -
Pre-Research (or 'presearch', a word I am totally coining right this very moment. Let's see how long it takes before it turns up on Vampire Diaries.)-
This one is (from the little time I've spent on it) a big electronic cocktail party where every professional person you've ever met tries to get jobs for or from one another. Basically it's Facebook where you're only allowed to talk about how awesome you are at your job.
Also there is now apparently an 'endorse' feature, which sort of allows you to pinky swear to the world that 'so and so' is good at 'random skill'.
Unfortunately they have immediately gone out of their way to make that function completely useless by making it some sort of popup button that asks you if you want to endorse so and so for whatever verb it suggests, thus rendering the recommendation completely unreliable. I personally have been endorsed for my skills in Dutch Needlework, Playing the Baritone Ukelele and Ovulating.
Post-Research-
According to LinkIn, they are - 'a business-oriented social networking service. Founded in December 2002 and launched on May 5, 2003, it is mainly used for professional networking'
Also their logo looks a bit like a boss bending an employee over and preparing to vigorously roger them from behind.
OK, it doesn't really, unless you already have that image planted in your brain. But from now on you're going to think of that every time you look at their logo. You're welcome.
Presearch-
I have a sort of vague idea that this has something to do with letting other people know what you're been reading. But that may well be just because the name sounds like 'Read it' so that could be a load of hooey.
Post-Research-
Hmmm. Well according to Reddit, Reddit is 'The Front Page of the Internet', which seems a little cocky. In practice what it appears to be is an online news source where the 'news' content is just submitted by any old person (as long as they're registered) and then voted 'up' or 'down' by the rest of the readership.
Because, I don't know about you, but I've often thought that the problem with reliable news sources is that they don't completely eliminate editors and fact checking and then rate the validity of the news based on audience popularity.
Don't we already have Fox for that?
On the other hand, it does currently have a link titled 'Man Locks Himself In Hot Car To Prove That Babies And Dogs Are Cowards' So there's that.
Foursquare
Presearch -
I genuinely have absolutely no idea what Foursquare does or is. I'm not even 100% sure that it even exists and isn't just something I had a weird dream about.
Post-Research-
Why in God's name would I ever want to do that?
Seriously?
OK, so apparently you can become a mayor of a fictional concept-village by being the one who tells the most people where you're going out to eat.
If you're Tony Soprano, you'll probably want to pass on this one.
Presearch -
A place to make your own personal collection of pictures of cats and gardening.
Post-Research-
Wow. That is a lot of pictures of food.
Sunday, August 3, 2014
Vizsla Flashback - Less Common Vampire Stereotypes
Sure, we all know the biggies when it comes to common Vampire
Stereotypes. Afraid of Garlic (mostly accurate), not much for tanning
(very true), sleep in coffins (untrue. And as it turns out, insulting.
Sorry again, Don)
Now, thanks to the Twilight franchise we also know that Vampires apparently roll in glitter*. So this seemed like a reasonable time to address some other, lesser known stereotypes about the living-limited.
*Which, since glitter is what unicorns bleed, kind of makes sense. At least, as much as anything in that franchise.
- OK, it's true that the stats kind of back this one up. I mean, Minnesota Senator Al Franken alone has about 1 hundred Vampire contacts in his Outlook folder. But in his defense, as a US Senator he's supposed to work with lawmakers on the other side of the aisle, so you can't really blame him.
Validity rating - 6/10
- Hey, we were all thinking it. I mean, my pal Ernie the Flayer knows almost nothing about quadratic equations. Nothing.
Validity rating - 9/10
-This one probably stems from the heavy vampire population in and around Louisiana. But honestly. This is just small mindedness. I know many vampires, and only a few of them are in Zydeco bands. Like, 7 of them at most.
Validity rating - 2/10
-That's just crazy talk. They're clearly a visual metaphor for 'Things Teenage girls think are sexy'. Honestly, do a little research.
Validity rating - 0/10
- Don't be stupid. That's Chupacabras.
Validity Rating - 1/10
Now, thanks to the Twilight franchise we also know that Vampires apparently roll in glitter*. So this seemed like a reasonable time to address some other, lesser known stereotypes about the living-limited.
*Which, since glitter is what unicorns bleed, kind of makes sense. At least, as much as anything in that franchise.
1: Vampires all know a lot of guys named Al.
- OK, it's true that the stats kind of back this one up. I mean, Minnesota Senator Al Franken alone has about 1 hundred Vampire contacts in his Outlook folder. But in his defense, as a US Senator he's supposed to work with lawmakers on the other side of the aisle, so you can't really blame him.
Validity rating - 6/10
2: Vampires are all bad at math
- Hey, we were all thinking it. I mean, my pal Ernie the Flayer knows almost nothing about quadratic equations. Nothing.
Validity rating - 9/10
3: Vampires are all members of Zydeco bands
-This one probably stems from the heavy vampire population in and around Louisiana. But honestly. This is just small mindedness. I know many vampires, and only a few of them are in Zydeco bands. Like, 7 of them at most.
Validity rating - 2/10
4: Vampires are a literary metaphor for the aristocracy living entirely on the work of the common people and giving nothing back to society.
-That's just crazy talk. They're clearly a visual metaphor for 'Things Teenage girls think are sexy'. Honestly, do a little research.
Validity rating - 0/10
5: Vampires are lazy and just sneaking into this country illegally to steal our jobs, despite the inherent contradiction between those two things.
- Don't be stupid. That's Chupacabras.
Validity Rating - 1/10
Saturday, August 2, 2014
What I Dimly Understand About Social Media
You know how it is. One night you go to bed next to your Commodore 64 which is cheerfully running Windows 79AD, and when you wake up there are suddenly four billion different social networks that everybody seems to be talking to each other on. Plus, have you seen the way that the kids are dressing these days?
Perhaps it's my advancing years (6 days left for birthday gift shopping, btw) but I can't be the only one who's having an increasingly difficult time keeping track of all of the different networks, apps and media sites that have cropped up, each one dedicated to increasing our contact with each other by ensuring that none of us actually sees another living human being ever again.
And so, because I give and I give, I'm diving into the murky world of social media so that you don't have to do the research yourself.
You're welcome.
So, unusually for this column, we're going to follow a bit of a structure today. I'll name the Social Media in question, explain what I think it is, then go away and look it up and report back my results.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.
Let's start with the obvious one -
FACEBOOK
My Initial Thoughts-
Clearly I am aware of Facebook, as that's the most likely way that you've encountered and are reading this column. Facebook is a website (and mobile app) that acts as a vehicle for people to promote their creative projects, advertise that they are playing Candy Crush, and repost political articles deliberately intended to piss off any Facebook friends they might have who have different political leanings
"Boy, that article link on Facebook totally changed my opinion on that touchy political subject"
-No one, Ever.
After Research-
Yep, it's still there. Although I had forgotten 'Thinly veiled cries for help' and 'Insipid inspirational quotes demanding that you 'share' them.'
My Initial Thoughts-
Now, I'm not actually 100% sure that Myspace even still exists. If it does I once heard it most accurately described as 'The Internet's abandoned amusement park' which pretty much sums it up. The Betamax to Facebook's VHS (or HDDVD to their Blu-ray if you prefer), it's sad remains serve as a reminder to all of us of the importance of product placement.
After Research -
Wow. That is a LOT of ads.
It appears that the good people at MySpace have given up on the 'interacting' part of the game and have instead embraced treating everyone and everything as needing to be put in one big catalog. This means that they will undoubtedly fall asleep under a Victorian house and cause all sorts of trouble later for Sophie Aldred. (That one was for Travis. You're welcome.)
INSTAGRAM
My Initial Thoughts -
I'm told that this App is exclusively for posting pictures of Cats and Food. Like Texting and Facebook got drunk and had a child who really, REALLY cared about selfies.
After Research -
Well, according to their web page - 'Instagram is a fast, beautiful and fun way to share your life with friends and family.' In reality this appears to mean that you sign up for an account (Like Facebook) and immediately begin photographing everything you eat. There were also some pictures of kids, but I have not yet encountered any cats. This may - admittedly - be due to my relatively small sample set
My Initial Thoughts -
Apparently it's entirely for taking pictures of your own genitalia and sending them to other Snapchat users in the hopes that they don't know how to take a screenshot and therefore won't be able to save the picture and ruin your Senate career.
After Research -
The Snapchat official line is - 'Enjoy fast and fun mobile conversation! Snap a photo or a video, add a caption, and send it to a friend. They'll view it, laugh, and then the Snap disappears'.
So yes, it's all about penis photos. Also there appears to be some sort of video conferencing feature which I assume is also used for similar shenanigans and not, as their PR material would claim, to announce that someone has just bought a puppy.
Tune in Monday for part II where we tackle the likes of Reddit, Tumblr, Fouresquare and more
Perhaps it's my advancing years (6 days left for birthday gift shopping, btw) but I can't be the only one who's having an increasingly difficult time keeping track of all of the different networks, apps and media sites that have cropped up, each one dedicated to increasing our contact with each other by ensuring that none of us actually sees another living human being ever again.
And so, because I give and I give, I'm diving into the murky world of social media so that you don't have to do the research yourself.
You're welcome.
So, unusually for this column, we're going to follow a bit of a structure today. I'll name the Social Media in question, explain what I think it is, then go away and look it up and report back my results.
Are you sitting comfortably? Then we'll begin.
Let's start with the obvious one -
My Initial Thoughts-
Clearly I am aware of Facebook, as that's the most likely way that you've encountered and are reading this column. Facebook is a website (and mobile app) that acts as a vehicle for people to promote their creative projects, advertise that they are playing Candy Crush, and repost political articles deliberately intended to piss off any Facebook friends they might have who have different political leanings
"Boy, that article link on Facebook totally changed my opinion on that touchy political subject"
-No one, Ever.
After Research-
Yep, it's still there. Although I had forgotten 'Thinly veiled cries for help' and 'Insipid inspirational quotes demanding that you 'share' them.'
MYSPACE
My Initial Thoughts-
Now, I'm not actually 100% sure that Myspace even still exists. If it does I once heard it most accurately described as 'The Internet's abandoned amusement park' which pretty much sums it up. The Betamax to Facebook's VHS (or HDDVD to their Blu-ray if you prefer), it's sad remains serve as a reminder to all of us of the importance of product placement.
After Research -
Wow. That is a LOT of ads.
It appears that the good people at MySpace have given up on the 'interacting' part of the game and have instead embraced treating everyone and everything as needing to be put in one big catalog. This means that they will undoubtedly fall asleep under a Victorian house and cause all sorts of trouble later for Sophie Aldred. (That one was for Travis. You're welcome.)
My Initial Thoughts -
I'm told that this App is exclusively for posting pictures of Cats and Food. Like Texting and Facebook got drunk and had a child who really, REALLY cared about selfies.
After Research -
Well, according to their web page - 'Instagram is a fast, beautiful and fun way to share your life with friends and family.' In reality this appears to mean that you sign up for an account (Like Facebook) and immediately begin photographing everything you eat. There were also some pictures of kids, but I have not yet encountered any cats. This may - admittedly - be due to my relatively small sample set
SNAPCHAT
My Initial Thoughts -
Apparently it's entirely for taking pictures of your own genitalia and sending them to other Snapchat users in the hopes that they don't know how to take a screenshot and therefore won't be able to save the picture and ruin your Senate career.
After Research -
The Snapchat official line is - 'Enjoy fast and fun mobile conversation! Snap a photo or a video, add a caption, and send it to a friend. They'll view it, laugh, and then the Snap disappears'.
So yes, it's all about penis photos. Also there appears to be some sort of video conferencing feature which I assume is also used for similar shenanigans and not, as their PR material would claim, to announce that someone has just bought a puppy.
Tune in Monday for part II where we tackle the likes of Reddit, Tumblr, Fouresquare and more
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