Sunday, July 13, 2014

Vizsla Flashback - Let's Compare Our Things!

No, not like that.

I was thinking earlier - there's quite a bit of confusion when discussing 'Things' simply because no one has taken the time to really sit down and set the record straight - honestly assessing the pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses of each 'Thing' in its own right and then comparing and contrasting.

And so, once again - you're welcome, Universe.  Here is-

The Comprehensive Vizsla's Guide to Things
1st Edition

Thing, The - 

Founding member of the Fantastic Four - as published by Marvel Comics Group, The Thing is a large humanoid who appears to be made entirely out of orange rock who wears nothing but blue shorts.  (which raises all sorts of other questions regarding his orange rocks, but we'll leave that one alone for the moment.)

The Thing is a man named Ben Grimm (except for those occasions when he wasn't.  For example, Ms. Marvel became a female thing (easy, Shriner...) for awhile.  I honestly don't know what ever happened with that storyline.)  Ben was an astronaut on the most improbably crewed mission into space ever which was bombarded with the specific kind of cosmic radiation that makes ironic alterations to your genetic code based on your deep seated personality characteristics.  As happens.

Contrary to his frightening appearance, The Thing is frequently kind-hearted, although gruff, and makes a valuable and considerate teammate.  Most of the time.

Desirability as a social companion - 8/10
Desirability as a mate - Depends entirely on the shorts issue
Scary factor - 4/10

Thing, The -

Not to be confused with the comic book character, The Thing (or The Thing From Another World, to use his (her?) full name) is a shapeshifting alien with a curious penchant for corpse mutilation in the interest of biological study.  Functionally non-verbal as a mushy, blobby, oozy thing, it tends to only speak in the style and manner of whatever person it's pretending to be at the time.  Which I suppose is either a plus or a minus depending on how attractive or interesting you find the person it's pretending to be at that moment.

Not a huge fan of red hot coat hangers

Desirability as a social companion - 1/10
Desirability as a mate - depends on how quick you can be and how OK you are with other people being in the room to prevent it from... you know.. mutilating you.  Unless that's what you're into.  It's not about judging.
Scary Factor - 9/10

Thing, (no article)

Helpful guest (or possibly employee) of the Addams Family, Thing is a disembodied hand that lives in a small wooden box and scuttles around the house preforming small domestic tasks like delivering letters and occasional dusting.

Not a great deal of use in heavy lifting tasks, Thing always wanders about the place completely naked.  as most hands tend to do, actually.

Desirability as a social companion - 10/10 (unless he creeps you out)
Desirability as a mate - .... No, Too easy.
Oh Come on - No, I'm not going to do it.
Stop being such a baby and just say it. - No, I am absolutely not going to go for the handjob joke here.  just let it go and move on.
Fine.  Whatever - 
Scary Factor - For the Hand - 3/10. For your obsessive insistence on going for the low hanging fruit, joke-wise - 9/10
Hee-Hee - 
...- What??
You said 'Low Hanging Fruit' :) - 
 - Oh for the love of GOD, seriously?  Let's just move on.

Thing 1

This smallish blue haired imp is full of mischief, and has been known to cause considerable damage to the housekeeping of suburban homes when Mom is away.  Prone to causing frosting stains, Thing 1 is essentially benevolent, or at the very least harmless.  Probably good for a fun afternoon.  Most commonly sighted in the company of Thing 2

Wears a fetching red onesie.

Desirability as a social companion - 5/10.  Probably OK in small doses.
Desirability as a mate - I'm strangely uncomfortable considering it.  Besides which, he's probably monogamous with Thing 2.
Scary Factor - either 2/10 or 10/10 - depending on your level of obsessive compulsiveness regarding household upkeep.

Thing 2

See above

So there you have it.  The Vizsla describes every thing.

Honestly, I give and I give people.

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