Except of course for Neil Diamond, who will like forever both through his music and through a skillful blend of cybernetic enhancements.
Regardless, what concerns me most about the whole issue is not the thought of dying itself, but rather a more general concern that the death itself not be something ridiculous. The last thing you want is folk tittering at your funeral.
Yes, I just said tittering.
Here are just a few examples of the many, many embarrassing way that I'd like to not meet my final end...
MAULED BY A GIANT OTTER
Not everyone can pull off Adorable and Badass at the same time
Yes. There is such a thing as a Giant Otter- I discovered this while perusing Otter-related websites in preparation for a previous column. Now, I admit to having mixed feelings on this one, because I'm pretty sure that the death itself would be absolutely adorable. That said, I'd just as soon not have everyone's first reaction to my death be 'Awwwww.... look at his cute little blood-soaked hands! They're so human!'
SMACKED DOWN BY SOMEONE ELSE'S MID-FLIGHT POO
In the world of air travel, there is a thing called 'Blue Ice'. This is - to not put too delicate an edge on it - a frozen mixture of disinfectant and other people's dookie.
Now, the airline industry is quick to point out that they are actually forbidden from dumping this in mid-flight, and indeed there is no mechanism to do so. HOWEVER... they also acknowledge that there have been at least 27 documented incidents in the last few decades of Blue Ice striking the Earth from accidental dislodge - Which sounds an awful lot like a euphemism for the very process that created the need to have blue ice in the first place.
So, yes. Your chances of dying from being hit by the stuff is roughly the same as winning the lottery. But all things being equal, I'd rather win the lottery. If there are three words that I would like to not appear in my Eulogy, 'Other People's Stool' would be them.
THAT THING THAT HAPPENED TO DAVID CARRADINE
As a gesture of respect for the man, I'll leave you to Google that one on your own if you really want to know.
DURING COSPLAY
This. Guy. Rules.
Cosplay - for those who are too cool to be familiar with it - is basically a term that was entirely coined in order for adults to justify feeling ok about their desire to play let's pretend in neat costumes.
When we were kids of course we just went ahead and did it without worrying about what the people who saw your Facebook photos might think. As we get older, apparently it needs a niche brand in order for us to feel OK about doing it.
Now, I want to make perfectly clear - I am all for Cosplay, whatever you want to call it. As more than a few pictures from Doctor Who conventions of the past will attest (and I made a ROCKIN' Sabalom Glitz, for the record)
I'd just like to avoid the words 'Found Dead in Batman Costume' to be part of my obituary. It opens up too many questions.
HANDCUFFED TO SOMETHING
Unless it's a nuclear bomb and I'm saving the planet of course.
Here's the back story to this one. The other morning on Marketplace they had a brief discussion of how the UK was sending out an appeal for people to be a bit more careful and commonsense with handcuffs.
Apparently since the onset of that 50 Shades of Grey phenomenon their Emergency services have seen a jump in calls to free someone inadvertently handcuffed to something inconvenient has risen by some insanely ridiculous percentage*
*No, I don't really understand why they were talking about it on Marketplace either.
Being British, the PSA is mostly along the lines of 'For the love of God, check if you have the keys handy first, there's a good chap'
What this makes me think however is that it's just a matter of time until somebody let's somebody else shackle em up for a nice night of whatever-you're-into-I'm-not-judging-you, only to have the non-shackled party suddenly have a massive aneurysm and die, leaving the shackled party to slowly die of dehydration and embarrassment.
That's gonna be some fun small talk at the wake, now isn't it.
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