Monday, December 30, 2013

Vizsla, It's cold outside

When I woke up this morning it was -11 degrees outside.  (that's Fahrenheit, for you European types.  I believe it translates to about 23.8 bar below zero.  Yes, The Vizsla is not afraid to do the math.  Or use the correct terms for a repeating remainder.  Suck it, Air Bud.)

This has temporarily delayed my post-holiday round-up so that I can address the following crucial issue.

I know a lot of you are saying to yourself - 'Self, I sure love the midwinter holiday appropriate to my cultural background.  But I sure wish that I had a song relevant to that culturally derived Holiday that was a little less date-rapey than the now standard 'Baby it's cold outside'  (Seriously.  Nothing says Christmas like a random mention of Roofies.)

To that end, I present an alternate take.

You are, as always, Welcome, Universe.

Vizsla, It's cold outside.

an internal monologue.

I really must pee
<Vizlsa, it's cold outside>
I'm all urine-y 
<Vizlsa, it's cold outside>
Tonight's Alpo has been
<Been hoping you'd like a milkbone>
So very nice
<Who wants to slip out on that ice?>
My Mother'd have to put on boots
<Maybe it's just the toots>
My Father won't clean the floor
<You won't have no acc'dents no more>
And really my legs are crossed
<bladder control ain't yet lost>
Well, maybe just a snausage more...
<Make some yeti noises some more>

I kind of must poop
<But Vizsla it's cold outside>
My hinder must droop
<but Vizsla it's cold outside
I wish I knew how
<you're eyes are really floating now>
To use the john*
<That rug - I must not tinkle on>
I ought to sack up and brave it
<Those booties just drive my crazy>
My paws they always get so frosty
<Can't you see the battle is lost-y>
I really can't hold it
<Baby don't hold it>

but daddy...


Thank you.  God bless.  Tip your wait staff.

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