Wednesday, May 14, 2014

Things You Don't Say to Vegans

First off, let me say uncatagorically that I am completely down with Vegans. I know several of them and I'm totally rolling in positive attitude toward Veganism.  I could never convert myself, as anyone who recalls the great attempt at 30 days without sugar of 2013 can attest, but I'm down with it in a supportive 'not really my thing, but I'm cool with you being into it' kind of way.  You know, like Crossfit*.

*Interestingly enough, the other connection between the two is that you will never have to ask anyone if they are involved in either Crossfit or Veganism.  It will come up.  Particularly on Facebook.

That established...

Over the course of the last couple of days, I've found myself repeatedly saying things to Vegans that one should not say to Vegans.  And I'm sharing this knowledge with the world so that you all can avoid my mistakes.  See, I'm just like Mother Freakin' Theresa.

Conversation One:

Them:  I kind of enjoyed going to the shooting range, but I wouldn't ever go hunting.

Me:  Why not?

Them:  Well, the whole Vegan thing  (See, it does come up)

Me: Well, you don't have to eat them.  I mean... you could just leave them to die where you shot them.

Long awkward pause.

OK, let's take a look at where I went wrong with this one.  First error - forgetting that the person I was talking to was a Vegan.  Obviously she wasn't planning on going out to plug Bambi for jerky-related purposes.  Having forgotten that momentarily I was then forced to come up with some sort of rationale that made sense of my assuming she might go hunting while not admitting that I had forgotten the whole veganism thing.

For the record, apparently leaving the carcass to rot where you shot it does not, in actual fact, make the situation ethically acceptable to vegans.  In case you were wondering.

Conversation Two:

Them: I would totally survive in a zombie apocalypse.  

Me: Does the whole zombie thing only affect people?

Them:  What?

Me: I mean, do all the animals also become zombies?  Do slaughterhouses stop making hamburger and instead just start making angry zombie cows?

Dear Reader,

Aside from the questionable decision to bring slaughterhouses into an unrelated conversation, it turns out that the words 'Angry Zombie Cows' are not a great plan.  Which is surprising to me, because I would have thought that the whole 'cows take back the night' angle would appeal to the vegan aesthetic.  Perhaps I would have been better off not having continued on with 'Calf brains... must eat delicious calf brains...' but, you know, you live and you learn.

So, again - Vegans, Crossfit people, Romans - We're still cool, right?

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