Why does Zimbio hate you?

So I can't help but notice that recently the entire Internet was taken over by Zimbio* and their determined attempt to assign all of us brand new, predetermined identities.

*Sometimes Buzzfeed.  But mostly Zimbio.

What's more, you can be assigned no end of new personalities.  So it's perfectly OK for you to be Marshall on the 'Which How I Met Your Mother Character are you' quiz AND Neve Campbell on the 'Which Wild Things character are you*' quiz AND Dominant Top on the 'Which Hardcore S&M Erotica Character are you' quiz.

*OK, It gave me Denise Richards.  But I'm totally Neve Campbell.  Ask anyone.

Yes, It appears that Zimbio doesn't care much how many new identities it gives you or even what they are.  All Zimbio cares about is that your current identity must be destroyed.  As quickly as possible.

Which leads me to the inescapable conclusion that Zimbio hates you.

Here then is a list of possible reasons why Zimbio might hate the current 'You'.  You should identify which applies to you and take steps to heal the relationship.  Because, honestly, I can hardly get to my Candy Crush requests through all of the quiz result postings.


1. You owe Zimbio money.
2. You knocked up Zimbio's kid sister
3. You cold-cocked Zimbio in a bar fight
4. Zimbio really desperately loves you but lacks the emotional   maturity to process those feelings.
5. You cut Zimbio off in traffic
6. Zimbio's having its meds adjusted and is just really off right now.  Sorry, Man.
7. Zimbio is a mean drunk
8. You got Zimbio fired by planting a false rumor about Zimbio being the one that took the money from the office coffee fund can.
9. Your online fanfic 'How Zimbio totally sucks' was unfair and hurtful.
10. Zimbio is just kind of a jerk

I hope this helps clear up the situation.

You're welcome, internet.