You've been duly notified.
First some fun facts about Unicorns that you might not know.
1: Wikipedia was unable to tell me why they are called Unicorns and not Unihorns in the amount of time that it took me to lose interest in finding out the answer.
(to be fair, I have to assume some of the blame on this one)
2: They bleed glitter.
(Totally true. All the glitter in the world is the result of one
enterprising 13th century woodsman with a shiv.)
3: There is apparently a black market for their kidneys
(You'll have to google it)
So round about the 14th or 15th time of Watching Cabin in the Woods
(LAST CHANCE TO TURN AWAY)
I found myself thinking
(NO, REALLY.LAST CHANCE TO TURN AWAY,
I'M ABOUT TO TOTALLY SPOIL THE MOVIE)
It totally makes sense that one of the possible options that the trapped college co-eds are presented with when forced to choose the form of their killer out of all those creepy totem objects in the basement in order to appease the ancient gods under the coordination of Bradley Whitfield and the Dad from 6 feet under is a Unicorn.
(Well, you wouldn't be told.)
In the last act of the film, when all of the possible killing monsters are rampaging through the underground base, and out of nowhere there's a unicorn, and the employee guy is like 'Awwww.... a unicorn', and the unicorn is like 'Fuck you buddy, I'm a Unicorn!' and then gores the crap out of him...
(You should still totally watch the movie if only to see this moment)
I can't help but watch that and think... how are unicorns not ALWAYS terrifying???
(And honestly, there's some good stuff I haven't spoiled here)
It's a freakin' UNBROKEN HORSE WITH A HORN!
(Like when Bradley Whitfield gets killed by the Merman)
At what point did we decide as a people that a wild animal than can gore you with little to no effort WASN'T terrifying?
(Crap. Forget I said that about the merman...)
So, thank you, Cabin in the Woods. Not just for being awesome, but also for restoring unicorns to their rightful place in our culture- As objects of terror.
(And I would totally go to the movie
where the Unicorn kills a bunch of coeds in a cabin.)