Grandpa's Birthday weekend means...

Multiple Choice -

Grandpa's Birthday weekend means:

A:  The oncoming apocalypse

B:  The Alpha and Omega of all things

C:  That it's totally OK to not write a column today

D:  tha...

As Regards my Application to the X-Men

I confess, I was somewhat disappointed with my letter of response from the X-Men regarding my application. 

I mean, it's not even from Professor X himself- just some stupid temp.

Ah Well.  Next Year.  There's always next year.

Here's the text of the letter I received, as picture above.  As a side note I quite like their stationary.  Understated and classy.

Dear Mr. Vizsla,

Thank you very much for your application.  We regret to inform you however that due to the reasons listed below we are unable to accept you for admittance to Xavier’s School for Gifted Youngsters at this time.

In response to Question 1 – 

Describe your super power highlighting the circumstances under which it first manifested.

Your Answer – While lying in bed yesterday morning I looked at the clock and it was time to get up.  I stretched and looked again and it was suddenly an hour before I had to get up.  I can only conclude that I successfully turned back my relative time by one hour for the sake of being better rested.  No data as to whether the rest of the world experienced the same hour over again or If I traveled relative to the common timeframe solo.

Question 1b:  What name would your power lead you to adopt should you be made a member of the X-Men

Your Answer – The Snooze.

Mr. Vizsla, I am honestly unsure where to even begin responding to this answer.  Disregarding, for the moment, the fact that the most likely explanation of your experience was that you simply misread the clock at first glance; it’s unclear to our admissions committee how such a power might be useful in the battle against Evil.  Or against crime.  Or against anything except the occasional difficulty really getting going in the morning before that first cup of coffee.

Furthermore, we regret to point out that the name ‘The Snooze’ is not terribly likely to inspire fear in the heart of the aforementioned Evil and/or Crime.  For one thing it’s been used on at least two occasions on the show Cougar Town as a slang word for a certain portion of female anatomy and we at the School for the Gifted really don’t have time for the sort of schoolboy shenanigans to which throwing it out there as a nom-du-guerre would inevitably lead.   

One shudders to imagine your ideas on costuming.

We thank you for your interest in our organization, and wish you the best in your future crimefighting efforts

Sincerely,

Milton Tompkins

Senior Intern

Xavier’s School for the Gifted

OK - First off, being well rested is TOTALLY necessary for fighting crime and/or evil.  But whatever.  No big deal.  

And my costume would have been awesome.

Damnit.

 

The All-Angel Clarification Press Conference

In the interest of clearing up some long standing confusion regarding a certain degree of Angel-Overlap, we now present the transcript in full from the recent and well publicized All-Angel Press Conference addressing the issue.

Once again, You're Welcome, Planet.

The participants take the high table and have a seat behind their respective microphones.  An Expectant hush overtakes the reporters in attendance.  Except for Phil who was gassy.

ANGEL:  I'd like to thank you all for joining us today.  We understand that there's been some serious confusion lately in the media as concerns telling us apart and I know I speak for all of us here when I say that we would sincerely like to clear this matter up once and for all.

REPORTER-  If I might ask

ANGEL:  Um.. we weren't really getting to questions yet...

REPORTER:  And yet I'm asking one.


ANGEL: OK, shoot

REPORTER:  As a vampire, do you find that you have a burden to work against common stereotypes that...

ANGEL:  Um... I'm not a Vampire.

REPORTER:  Beg Pardon?

ANGEL:  I'm not actually a Vampire...

ANGEL:  Yes.... That's actually me.  I was also CEO of Wolfram and Hart for a while.

ANGEL:  Right.  So, as I was saying,  we'd all like to...

REPORTER:  Wait...  So the guy who helped Sam and Dean Winchester was a Vampire?

ANGEL:  If you'd just let me..

ANGEL:  See, now this is exactly the sort of...

ANGEL:  You're actually thinking of me...  I'm Castiel, the Angel that assists...

ANGEL:  If we could just get..

ANGEL:  And our Vampire lore is totally different from that hack...

ANGEL:  Please.  Gentlemen.  I think we're veering from the...

ANGEL:  Wait... Vampires are real now?  Is That what all the serial killings are about?

REPORTER:  Wait... Are you...

ANGEL:  Lt. Angel Batista from Showtime's hit series Dexter

ANGEL:  See, now this is EXACTLY the kind of confusion...

ANGEL:  He doesn't even have metaphysical powers!

ANGEL:  Or a TRENCHCOAT!  I mean... that's just ENTRY level...

ANGEL:  If we could just get back to...

 ANGEL:  I resent the implication that only supernatural Angel's deserve to be recognized
  
ANGEL: Oh for the love of crap.

ANGEL:  I mean, All I asked is that you touch my cheek before you leave me.. baby.

REPORTER:  Wait a minute... Are you the Morning Angel from that Juice Newton song??

ANGEL:  Thank you so much for remembering me

REPORTER:  I totally LOVED that song!

ANGEL:  That is so sweet of you.

After this point the recording of the event descends into confusion. 

We hope that this has helped clear things up.  

Yes, this is exactly the conversation Martin Luther King, Jr. was hoping we would have today.

So this morning I got out of bed and went directly to get a few Ibuprofin*

*You don't know that that's why I had a headache and who are you to judge me

Because I was still more or less 40% asleep, a quick glance at the shelf what contains pills caused me to misread one of the other bottles as 'Racist Pills'

I don't actually remember what the label actually said, but I can tell you that I spent the rest of the morning mulling over what exactly 'Racist Pills' might do.


Are they pills that make you Racist?


Why on Earth would any self-respecting drug company market even make such a thing, let alone market them?

Who in the name of Sweet Fuzzy Jesus would prescribe those?

Or...


Are they pills you take to make you less racist?


While I have to admit that - being an American - my first instinct in responding to any problem at all is to immediately start taking medication of some sort, I also have to think that if we'd actually found a pill that made people less racist it probably would have come up a lot in the news media.  Well... maybe not on Fox...

Or... and I'm just spitballing here...


Are the pills themselves racist?  Is that what the label is trying to warn us of?


You know.. like Primaquine.*

*You're going to have to track down the relevant episode of M.A.S.H. on your own if you don't get that reference.

And even if the pills effects don't vary because of the pill's racism, perhaps this is just some sort of 'Angie's List' for pharmaceuticals - You know, giving you the heads up on things like 'Hey, this guys a great housepainter, buy you should be aware that he's really, really racist so you might not want to support his business...' or 'Yeah, sure the pill will cure your Crohn's, but you should hear the way it talks about Hispanics!'

See, now this is why English is a problematic language.  If we hadn't traded Noun Declension in exchange for Strict Sequencing Rules then we'd have our answer - based on if 'Racist' was in prepositional or nominative case.  I'm just sayin'.

TV is so much more fun this way

The other day I saw a post on Facebook which mentioned that the best possible ending for the show Breaking Bad would be for Walter to go into the witness protection plan and get assigned to the family from Malcolm in Middle, which would then be where that show began.

While we take a moment with the unrivaled awesome of that idea, I would humbly suggest that ALL TV characters played by the same Actor should be viewed as the same character - regardless of the many ridiculous mutually exclusive details of said characters.

For Example - Who wouldn't watch a show about a Young Witch who - despairing over a breakup with her new and not as interesting lesbian lover after averting yet another Apocalypse - Casts a memory spell on herself and takes up with a specially created Sex-Robot who thinks he's a Lawyer and their wacky friends in NYC?  (Note:  How I Met Your Mother is much more interesting if you take this as the premise.  Particularly if you wrap movies into it and have to reconcile why S.H.I.E.L.D. has one of their top agents infiltrating the gang)

But watch out...

Because Rogue Demon Hunter Wesley Wyndam-Price - killed by Cyrus Grail, had his body appropriated by the Dollhouse Corporation and after an unsuccessful attempt at making him a congressman now have him infiltrating Agent Maria's confidences as occasional Dalliance-Partner, News Man Sandy Rivers!

Or what of Holland Manners?  

After being killed by his Arch-Foe Angel, the Senior Partners chose to punish him by exiling him to a poorly explained Island-Hell-Dimension, where he was stranded by a plane crash and separated from his newly assembled wife/construct?  Plus whatever the Hell else Sam Anderson got up to on Justified, Hawaii 5-0, Criminal Minds and like 40 other things.  Seriously, the guy's been on freakin' everything.

And Canton Everett Delaware III! 

Denied the ability to Marry his true love in the Nixon era, he sold his soul to the devil, eventually becoming King of the Crossroad Demons and then King of Hell?  Who can Chronicle his many faces and adventures* - all that is known is that he ends up in the far future working under the name of Badger.

*I certainly can't.  Because again, Mark Sheppard has been on every TV show known to mankind.  I'm not kidding.  IMDB him.

And how about that time that Maude made her stupid best friend into a Ho', at the same time turning Mary Tyler Moore's Sue-Ann Nivens into a complete moron - All as some sort of horrifying Florida-Based Eugenics Experiment?  

Once we get into the British shows things get a little trickier as there are really only 6 character actors working in Britain since 1960.   Fortunately, they've pretty much all been on Doctor Who - so you can use that to iron out most of the kinks in their timelines.

I'm telling you - TV gets so much weirder, so much scarier, and so much better, when you put a little effort into it.

The Vizsla v. Animism, 9-11 imagery, and the principles Feng Shui

It all started with an idea I had a year or so ago to draw a set of Firefighter Tarot Cards.

As anyone who knows me will have guessed, I drew the first one, got distracted by other projects, and have yet to get back to working on them.*

 Key 16: The Tower

unforeseen catastrophic destruction leading to a change in consciousness or life

Now, to respond to the 2 things that you're thinking at this point in the discussion-

1- Yes, the lettering is WAY too big and needs to be redone in a smaller and more tasteful way

2- Yes, this was the idea that caused me to start working on the project in the first place.  The imagery dovetailed far too nicely with the theme and implications of the card to not have run with it.

*And if anyone feels compelled to express an interest in pre-ordering the entire deck that might be the kick in the butt I need to get back to working on them.  Just throwing that out there...


In any case - this is what got me started thinking about animism this week.


To oversimplify things to the point that Proper Theologians will be throwing rocks at my home this evening; Animism is the general belief that all things possess a 'spirit', or 'animus' (hence the name 'Animism'.)  Short version - Dogs have souls.  As do Trees, Rocks, and just about everything except Rick Santorum.

What this means on a practical level is that everything out there has not just its physical form that we can see, feel and touch, but also an intangible essence that - if we can just figure out how to interact with it - we can somehow influence to our benefit.

Practical terms- this is the thing in our head that drives us to paint images of deer on the walls of our cave in the belief that the picture will make actual deer come within hunting range.  Or that makes us believe that if we wear the same jersey without washing it through football season it will help the home team get to the Superbowl.

In short, it's really about finding a way to feel less dis-empowered by events that are totally out of your control - much like that button to push at crosswalks, it gives you something to do while you wait, but it really doesn't do a damn thing in and of itself.

On the other hand, there have been a few reputable studies that indicate that your attitude about events outside of your control can actually influence those outcomes.  It's that whole 'power of positive thinking' thing, and while I concede that it sounds like a bunch of happy-horsecrap, the data does indicate that if you firmly believe that something will happen it makes that thing happening slightly more probable.  So, what the Hell. What do I know.

What I've really been wondering is this - Does having such a profoundly negative image laying around the house make me slightly more inclined to have terrible things happen to me?*

*See, now this is the slippery slope that we end up on.   Does possessing the image invite the subject, or does that line of thinking just lead to creepy/unhealthy cultural 'forbidden zones' - like the way that teaching abstinence only Sex-ed totally prevents kids from having unprotected sex and getting pregnant.  Totally prevents it.  Thank you for saving us Ms. Palin.  And say hi to your Grandson for me.

Ahem.  Sorry.  Soapbox over.

In any case, I was about to talk about Feng-Shui.

A few years ago I briefly flirted with the idea of Feng-Shui -  Which is (briefly stated) the belief that the Universe somehow cares which direction your bed faces.*

*ALSO a grotesque oversimplification, but no more so than the one about Animism earlier, and this way I feel like I'm offending people equally.

No, to be fair - A lot of the more useful and practical aspects of Feng-Shui simply make the case that the stuff you choose to surround yourself with probably affects your general mood and outlook on life.  Which is fair enough.

If you fill your house with (for example) a bunch of stuff that was given to you by your Mother in an effort to make you feel guilty about one thing or another, then there's a reasonable chance that you're going to spend a lot of your time feeling guilty and resentful without really being aware of why.

So to address this point, the book I was reading suggested you take some time actually looking at all of the things in your home and taking a second to see how they make you feel.  If you have something in your home that makes you feel crappy about yourself, then maybe you shouldn't have that thing in your home.

All of which seems blindingly obvious once you lay it out like that, but honestly - give it a shot and just see how many things you have that make you feel bad about yourself in some way.  It's amazing.  Also - a nice excuse to redecorate.

So - taking this back to The Tower - What do you think?  Evil Energy, or just a reminder that perhaps I should try to focus on one project at a time?

Comments welcome below

Vizsla Flashback - Vizsla Got no Topic

This weeks flashback takes us back to May 30th,

We were so young then, so full of dreams just waiting to be crushed by an uncaring universe.

Good times.

What I learned from this particular post the first time around is that if you tag something with the words 'Kaley Couco's Boobs' our web traffic goes up.

Another fun thing I learned from a different post around this time time period was that if you post in German you start getting pageviews in Argentina..

So with that knowledge - here is -



Vizsla Flashback -Vizsla got no topic

So, the Vizsla has started tonight's column about five or six times now, but just can't find any enthusiasm for any particular topic.

First it was going to be 'Hey Vampires-  What's up with you guys?' because of the beginning of the new season of True Blood.  Asking the long standing question - Vampires-  WTF?  Remember when you guys were supposed to be scary?  Now you're either supposed to be sexy or sparkly or god knows what else.  For the love of god man up and get back to what you're there for.

But then I remembered that I'd just done the one about vampire pattern baldness, and it just seemed derivative.

So then it was going to be 'OK, I'll ask - why doesn't Penny have a last name?' all about Kaley Couco's character on the show Big Bang Theory, and how they've never actually bothered to give her a last name.

But then I realized that after that exact sentence I had nothing else to say beyond mentioning how the theme song makes me a little sad because it reminds me that Stephen Page isn't with The Barenaked Ladies anymore.

Then I briefly toyed with just titling tonight's column 'Boobs'.

But that was really just a transparent effort to get more google search traffic.

 Thought about discussing the steadily declining quality of Patricia Cornwell's Kay Scarpetta books, but that would force me to acknowledge that I'm still reading them.

Crap, maybe if I'd ever gotten around to watching The Wire I might have something to say about that...

So, about Kaley Couco's boobs....

Oh, who am I kidding.

If you have to go, Get nice fittings

An actual conversation at work this last week. 

Me:  So I'm going to get a tattoo tonight.  I'm all excited.

Cindy:  Wow.  That's pretty exciting.  Exciting and permanent.

Me:  Well, only as permanent as I am, I suppose.

Cindy:  That's true.

Me:  Unless I get made into a lampshade or something.

Cindy:  Ooh, or a handbag

Me:  Oh, I would be a GREAT handbag.  Like... Like, a clutch, you know?  Nothing too showy

Cindy:  Right, right.  Totally.  Just something tasteful.

Me:  Yeah, exactly!  You know, If you just wanted something simple to just hold, like, your ID and some cash.  Maybe a credit card. 

Cindy:  I can totally see you being that clutch.

Me:  Nothing flashy or anything.  I totally want to be nice enough to go with a dress, but casual enough for everyday.

Cindy:  Got it.

Me:  Maybe some brass fittings.

Cindy:  Oh, that sounds nice!

Me:  I know, right?  I'm gonna be a classy handbag!



Now I totally can't wait to die.

A Dog responds to Business Insider or Please stop picking on Idaho

Earlier today my attention was drawn to an article in Business Insider presenting results from a SurveyMonkey poll that they ran to gauge how the State of America felt about the Other States of America.

The results were pleasing on a couple levels-

1:  They said some interesting things about how we view different portions of our country

2:  The results were represented in pretty colors.

The way Business Insider chose to display the results to their survey is with a map of the US for each question with the results shown by coloring in the State that people voted for.  The more votes, the darker the color of that state.

Neat.

Here is the article itself, so that you can follow along as I make a few observations:

1:  Which State has the weirdest Accent

'The people' chose Massachusetts as the State with the weirdest accent (although I think it's probably fair to say that they were probably just thinking of Boston) - and... fair enough.  I personally have immediate relatives who fled the city in terror about the time that their first child began learning to speak, with avoiding the accent being the stated reason.

But a look at the map shows that my home State of Minnesota apparently scored pretty high in the weird accent stakes.  Which I kind of have to give them.  Minnesota likes to do some extraordinarily odd things to a diphthong.  And one doesn't like to brag, but our 'O's are significantly longer than the national average.

2:  Which State has the best food

The poll came down on the side of New York here, although I would have expected Louisiana (really just New Orleans) to have carried the day.

That said, everything I eat comes out of a can or a bag (and most strenuously was NOT manufactured in China, after a few high profile incidents) so I have to admit to not caring very much about this question.

3:  Which State has the worst food.

I'm going to declare that voting Alaska as the worst food in the Union is just plain unfair, as there are only so many creative ways to prepare Moose.  Way to kick a State when it's down, SurveyMonkey.

4:  Which State is your favorite.

Not one vote for Nebraska.  Not One.  How are the Huskers supposed to pick up the pieces from that and move on?

5:  Which State is your Least Favorite

Judging by the extreme color differential, people hate Texas a LOT more than anywhere else.  Perhaps if Texas spent less time going out of its way to hate Women it might do better next year.

But outside of that - check out the surprising amount of hate for Idaho.

What the Hell did Idaho ever do to anybody?

Are we blaming the whole State for Larry Craig?  (Oh - P.S. - Larry - it's legal for you to get married in Minnesota now!)

6/7: Which State is the Craziest/Which State has the Hottest Residents

Both of which were clean sweeps by California, which probably says something unhealthy about what Americans find sexually desirable...

8:  Which State has the Ugliest residents

This appears to have become a thinly veiled game of 'kick the guys below the Mason/Dixon line', but once again check out the disproportionate amount of Idaho representation.

Again I ask - What the Hell are we mad at Idaho for?

One thing I did enjoy about the responses on this - EVERY SINGLE STATE was voted ugliest by somebody.  Which just goes to show- you really can't please everyone, now can you?

9: Which State has the Most Beautiful Scenery?

A solid 'W' for Colorado, which I suppose is fair enough - the mountains are lovely.  But once again, check out the northwest.

Roughly equal love given to the scenery of Montana, Washington and Oregon and none for Idaho.   What, the scenery is lush and beautiful right up until the State line, then becomes hideous until you reach a State that might conceivably be willing to sell you weed?

10: Which State has the worst scenery.

None of the people who voted for Kansas and New Jersey have ever driven across South Dakota.  That's all I'm saying.

11:  Which State is the Drunkest

A SOLID win for Louisiana (really just for New Orleans), but compare these results to the winners of both Crazy AND Hot and take a moment with what you see.

And don't think I didn't notice that Minnesota was clearly registering on the drunk scale.

12-14:  The Land of no surprises 

Best Vacation States were California and Florida and New York won both Most Arrogant and Rudest by a wide margin.  Yes, we were all shocked.  (Although this is clearly another case of judging the whole State by just one City)

15:  Which State is the Nicest

On behalf of all of Minnesota I say -  What???  Georgia?!??  We got beat out by f**king GEORGIA??

16:  Which State is smartest

Apparently only states on the coasts get to be smart.  We in Minnesota only get to be 'nice'.  Although apparently not as nice as Georgia.  Not that I'm bitter.  Whatever.

17:  Which State is dumbest

Another round of mock the Southerners - although to be fair, (I'm looking at you, Kentucky) any State with a creationist museum is pretty much asking for it.

18-19:  Which State has the Best sports fans/worst sports fans

The answer to both questions is apparently New York, so I'm choosing to see this as one of those Mets v. Yankees things that I don't really understand.

I will however say in regard to the Worst Sports Fans map - Alaska??  Seriously??   What sports franchise are they being unruly toward, the Moose Pass Marmots??

20:  Which State would you like to see kicked out of the Union

Well, Texas, to be fair, you were the one who suggested leaving first.  Plus it would spare the rest of us from ever having to hear Rick Perry say or do anything ever again.

21:  Which State is Most Overrated

Remember- A vote for California is a vote for 'Fine, I didn't want anybody to option my screenplay anyway.'

22:  Which State is most underrated

I feel like Maine's inclusion here is the blowback from decades of Stephen King novels.


So, what have we learned today?

Everybody appears to hate Idaho.
In America, Crazy and Sexy are interchangeable
Nobody likes not being as nice as Georgia
If you have nothing else to say, you can still at least take the opportunity to crap all over the South

Who knew that the Bronies were the rational ones?

I apologize in advance for where this is going to go.  Just know that going in.

There are Two main immutable laws of the Internet.  (Well... three actually, if you count Godwin's Law*, but that's really just about chatboards, not the Internet itself, so it's not really relevant here)

*Given enough time, any Internet comment board argument will eventually mention Hitler or the Nazi's.

The two immutable laws are -

1:  There is nothing so horrible that you can't find it on the internet somewhere.

-It was actually a casual discussion of this fact that let directly to the film Hostel being made.  Take that as either a plus or a minus, depending on personal taste.

2:  If a thing exists, there exists a pornographic variant of it as well. 

At this point I should give credit/blame to one James T. Cornish - a contributing writer at both WhatCulture.com and Den of Geek.  I'm a fan of his articles - primarily because they tend to be amusingly written and because he's yet to make any statements that I disagree with too strenuously.

In his recently published discussion of things certain subsets of fandom do that make the rest of us look insane by association (which you can find here) he introduced me to a term with which I was hitherto unfamiliar.  Ah, those were happy, innocent times.

The term in question.... no, let me build up to it a bit.  After discussing a variety of fandoms, Doctor Who included (which - let's face it - is what brought me to the article in the first place) he turns his attention to The Bronies.

For those who may have missed my earlier discussion of The Bronies (helpfully found here) these are the adult male fans of the cartoon My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic.

Processed that?  K, we'll move on.

My earlier missive about the Bronies was largely concerned with their habit of declaring online fatwahs against perceived insults against their group (or not so perceived.  To be fair, they do get trash talked a lot).

I was, therefore, somewhat surprised when I reached Page 8 of Mr. Cornish's article and discovered that there was in fact an offshoot subgroup of The Bronies that is damaging their reputation.  A feat that I personally would not have imagined possible.

And yet, after reading the infamous Page 8, I have to admit that the Bronies would appear to have a legitimate complaint.

Before I scar you emotionally, I'd like to add that early on in the article Mr. Cornish states,  "I’m friends with several Bronies and they are all friendly and well adjusted people who just happen to be fans of a cartoon about magic ponies." which might be my favorite sentence that I've ever read.

The subgroup in question - exemplifying both of the immutable rules of the Internet listed above - are known as 'Cloppers'

Gentle Reader, I feel that we've known each other long enough now that I can be blunt here and dance around the issue no further. 

The Cloppers are into My Little Pony Pornography.

Cartoon Ponies.

Having sex with (one imagines) one another.

I'm going to defer to Mr. Cornish's summation of this, because he sums up my thoughts nicely-

"If you masturbate to cartoon ponies and think that it somehow makes you superior to those who don’t, then you are in serious need of some form of psychiatric treatment."

 The really chilling thing - That there are people who need to be told that.

We have Internet search filters for a reason, people.

So many unanswered questions

Our story begins with a man named Tim Lake

A resident of Phoenix, Arizona (that's one of the hot weather south-western ones, for those international readers) I recently came across Tim's heartbreaking story... um... I don't actually remember how I came across Tim's heartbreaking story to be honest.

For those who can't wait for the summary you're about to receive, here's the news report in question.

Short version (although you really should watch the news report, because it's funny as Hell) Tim ordered some of those K-cups for individual serving coffee makers and an ice cube tray from Amazon.  (I know- but hold on to that thought, we'll come back to it).

According to footage from what appears to be a fairly high quality color surveillance camera watching Tim's front step (again - hold that thought for a moment) a Blond woman whom Tim accurately describes as 'At first we thought it was Dog the Bounty Hunter and he'd just really let himself go' walks up nervously to his front step, grabs Tim's Package (Easy, Shriner..) and scurries away in what can only be described as the most attention grabbing 'look-at-me-I-just-stole-something-and-a-lot-of-me-is-jiggling-in-a-way-that-makes-people-uncomfortable' way imaginable.

Tim, armed with this footage, not only printed up some impressive looking 4 color posters with screen grabs and descriptions of the incident, he also contacted the Police, The local News Outlets (based on the fact that we're watching a news story about the incident) AND set up an e-mail account for tips about the crime*

*And on that note I'd like to give a shout out to the fact that he seems to have consciously chosen AOL as the ISP for this, having determined that that was the funniest one to go with.  You have to respect that kind of eye for detail.  The account is HeatherbreaDriveJustice@AOL.com, for those with any interest in participating in the ongoing story.

One can only imagine what the process of filming his interview was like in person, but based on the fact that the news crew went to the effort of editing in Liam Neeson's speech from Taken, it seems clear that at least one person on the story got what Tim was doing here.

Also - the moment when Tim realizes on Camera 'Oh My God.... I could be making iced coffee right now...'*  all on its own justifies the existence of the Internet.

*Or words to that effect, I didn't go back to the clip for exact wording.

Bonus point funny - the one commenter on the YouTube posting of this video who seems infuriated that Tim is so upset about this when there are so many 'like... real problems in the world, man!'

So, clearly Tim Lake is one funny dude.  You have to appreciate someone who is willing to take something this minor and run it into something this ridiculous.  And I appreciate the detail work - not just the usage of AOL, but also his usage of 'In the year of our lord' and the slight break in his voice while reading the poster.  Nicely done.

Now on to the questions that this leaves us with-

-Why the Hell does Tim have high quality CCTV being recorded of his own front door?

-What exactly does Tim do for a living that affords him both 
        
        A- the free time do go to this much effort?
                         and
        B- the cash on hand to print those posters?

-Did an Arizona local news crew SERIOUSLY just pay for the rights to use a 5 second clip from the movie Taken just for this story?

-What circumstances, exactly, led to Tim ordering an ice cube tray from Amazon.  Seriously.  Who goes out of their way to order an ice cube tray?

-AOL still exists?  Seriously?

Come on Channel 5.  Follow up on this stuff

Informed Vizsla's want to know/

Let's Compare our Things

No, not like that.

I was thinking earlier - there's quite a bit of confusion when discussing 'Thing's simply because no one has taken the time to really sit down and set the record straight - honestly assessing the pros and cons, strengths and weaknesses of each 'Thing' in its own right and then comparing and contrasting.

And so, once again - you're welcome, Universe.  Here is-

The Comprehensive Vizsla's Guide to Things

1st Edition

Thing, The - 

Founding member of the Fantastic Four - as published by Marvel Comics Group, The Thing is a large humanoid who appears to be made entirely out of orange rock who wears nothing but blue shorts.  (which raises all sorts of other questions regarding his orange rocks, but we'll leave that one alone for the moment.)

The Thing is a man named Ben Grimm (except for those occasions when he wasn't.  For example, Ms. Marvel became a female thing (easy, Shriner...) for awhile.  I honestly don't know what ever happened with that storyline.)  Ben was an astronaut on the most improbably crewed mission into space ever which was bombarded with the specific kind of cosmic radiation that makes ironic alterations to your genetic code based on your deep seated personality characteristics.  As happens.

Contrary to his frightening appearance, The Thing is frequently kind-hearted, although gruff, and makes a valuable and considerate teammate.  Most of the time.

Desirability as a social companion - 8/10

Desirability as a mate - Depends entirely on the shorts issue

Scary factor - 4/10

Thing, The -

Not to be confused with the comic book character, The Thing (or The Thing From Another World, to use his (her?) full name) is a shapeshifting alien with a curious penchant for corpse mutilation in the interest of biological study.  Functionally non-verbal as a mushy, blobby, oozy thing, it tends to only speak in the style and manner of whatever person it's pretending to be at the time.  Which I suppose is either a plus or a minus depending on how attractive or interesting you find the person it's pretending to be at that moment.

Not a huge fan of red hot coat hangers

Desirability as a social companion - 1/10

Desirability as a mate - depends on how quick you can be and how OK you are with other people being in the room to prevent it from... you know.. mutilating you.  Unless that's what you're into.  It's not about judging.

Scary Factor - 9/10

Thing, (no article)

Helpful guest (or possibly employee) of the Addams Family, Thing is a disembodied hand that lives in a small wooden box and scuttles around the house preforming small domestic tasks like delivering letters and occasional dusting.

Not a great deal of us in heavy lifting tasks, Thing always wanders about the place completely naked.  as most hands tend to do, actually.

Desirability as a social companion - 10/10 (unless he creeps you out)

Desirability as a mate - .... No, Too easy.

Oh Come on - No, I'm not going to do it.

Stop being such a baby and just say it. - No, I am absolutely not going to go for the handjob joke here.  just let it go and move on.

Fine.  Whatever - 

Scary Factor - For the Hand - 3/10. For your obsessive insistence on going for the low hanging fruit, joke-wise - 9/10

Hee-Hee - 

...- What??

You said 'Low Hanging Fruit' :) - 

 - Oh for the love of GOD, seriously?  Let's just move on.

Thing 1

This smallish blue haired imp is full of mischief, and has been known to cause considerable damage to the housekeeping of suburban homes when Mom is away.  Prone to causing frosting stains, Thing 1 is essentially benevolent, or at the very least harmless.  Probably good for a fun afternoon.  Most commonly sighted in the company of Thing 2

Wears a fetching red onesie.

Desirability as a social companion - 5/10.  Probably OK in small doses.

Desirability as a mate - I'm strangely uncomfortable considering it.  Besides which, he's probably monogamous with Thing 2.

Scary Factor - either 2/10 or 10/10 - depending on your level of obsessive compulsiveness regarding household upkeep.

Thing 2

See above

So there you have it.  The Vizsla describes every thing.

Honestly, I give and I give people.

Don't worry. The homonyms can't hurt ewe.

So those long term readers out there (And a big Hello to both of you) will be aware of my habit of occasionally trolling the message boards of far right wing reactionary 'News' sites as part of my ongoing commitment to horrifying myself on a regular basis.

In amongst the solemn vows to continue living in deliberate ignorance there was a post which put forth the statement that:

 'it's to important to fight against this tyranny'

To which I replied as any sensible dog would with a post that simply read:

"it's 'too' important"

To which he replied with a fairly lengthy diatribe about how I knew what he meant and anyway they sound just the same, don't they??  This post included the line:

 'i can tell all that grammar studying you did consumed 

to much time because your lacking common sense..'

To which I, being a rational being engaged in friendly discourse, replied:

" 'You're' "

More angry diatribe, concluding with the line: 

"if you think those who tell the truth about the realities 

we face are fear mongering, than in all reality, 

your extremely delusional... 

HISTORY will tell you that... NOT ME..."

To which I, in helpful and cheery spirits, replied:

" 'Then' in all reality "  

NOTE : I did not address the comma issue.

 His response was briefer this time:

"seems 2 me that whichever way its spelled, 

it still wont make any sense 2 U"

To which I sent:

"Whichever way 'it's' spelled"

And then he stopped talking to me.  Which is too bad really, because - honestly - I could have done that all day.

A few things we should note at this juncture:

- Yes, trolling other people's message boards is an incredibly dickish thing to do.  I freely acknowledge that.* I don't know why I feel compelled to stir up the evangelicals, but for some reason I cannot resist doing so.  I have no high ground here.

*Though not as much so as correcting someones spelling in a text message conversation.  That is never, ever not a DB move.

-A quick flip through the pages of this very blog will reveal no end of typos, usage errors and homonyms.   The Vizsla has an incredibly casual attitude toward proofreading.  Towards proofreading.   Dammit, now I'm not even sure which one is right...*

*Just did the research - turns out they're pretty much interchangeable - however the article did mention that without the 's' is more common in North America and with the 's' is more common elsewhere.   I'm leaving the whole thing in as both an excuse to share that fact and direct evidence of my own fallibility. 

- No, I don't know why I typed out the conversation in screenplay format.*

*It just felt right at the time.

I guess what I'm saying is this - I don't make a point of being the spelling and grammar police - I break far too many rules myself - and if the guy in question hadn't been spouting off a stream of incredibly pompous and ill informed bullshit at the time I probably wouldn't have done so in this case.  

But at the end of the day, sometimes people just need to be made fun of.

Vizsla Flashback - The correct answer is always 'Tawny Kitaen'

This week's journey to the vault brings us to June 20th, 2013.  So happy retroactive Summer Solstice, people.

 

The correct answer is always 'Tawny Kitaen'

first published June 20th, 2013

I have a confession to make.  I regularly find myself compelled to go to super radical right-wing evangelical 'news' sites solely for the sake of reading the comment threads.

I don't know why I feel driven to do so.  I suppose it's the train wreck fascination of seeing exactly how much crazy I can stand to view.  Coupled with a belief that it's probably a good idea in the long run to be aware of exactly how bad the worst of the crazy out there is.  It's not pretty, but it exists, in all of it's poorly spelled and grammatically incorrect glory.

In fact one comment I've made on such threads more than once is 'I don't know that I could prove the existence of God, but I can definitely confirm the existence of spell check.  You should look into it.'  Because, yes, sometimes the Vizsla feels compelled to stir up the unemployed fundamentalists who seem to make up the entirety of the online chat community there.

(On a related note - Disqus-  Please... just stop...)

I should say that I think the existence of such 'news' site chat forums is a positive thing.  because as long as the whack-job tea party evangelicals are safely occupied posting things in all caps without checking for spelling errors they aren't out there in the actual world trying to.. you know... actually participate in representative democracy.  Which is no bad thing.

One of the more consistently amusing things about such sites is their 'poll' features.  These are generally polls only in the most casual usage of the word- there is usually a question, followed by three or four answers that one might click on.  The difficulty that one actually expecting a 'poll' might run into is of course if one actually expected the answers available to actually... you know.. .adress the question at hand or allow for any variance of viewpoint.

What one instead finds is invariably something along the lines of-

Q:  Creationism should be taught in schools because:

1: Obama is a gay marxist muslin (sic)

2: The traditional definition of marriage is under attack!

3: Why does it hurt when I pee?

All of which leads to any rational human being just staring blankly at the question before returning to the far more amusing and satisfactory process of reading misspelled bible quotes posted in response to 'But if America isn't a theocracy isn't it just as wrong to encode your beliefs into law as it would be to exact Sharia Law?'*

*Seriously.  This exact exchange is being typed - even as we speak - by three thousand people on OneNewsNow.  Check it out.  But pour a largish drink first.

Which brings me back to Miss Kitaen.

For those not in the know, or too young to remember - Tawny Kitaen was the girl in the Whitesnake video, writhing on the hood of that car.  She was also on Baywatch and appeared a couple times in early episodes of Hercules: The Legendary Journeys.

She's relevant to the discussion largely because some time ago I used to post regularly on an online forum about the TV show Angel (Joss Whedon spinoff of Buffy the Vampire Slayer.  Yes, I know, but Jane Espenson wrote several episodes, and if you talk trash about Jane we will have an issue, you and I.)

One day I discovered that the site in question also had a poll function.  And what's more it let you offer up to 40 possible answers to vote for.  And so I posted ridiculous poll after ridiculous poll, with answers that only tangentially were even remotely related to the questions at hand (but hey - at least I was doing it intentionally.  suck it, ONN).

The relevant point here is that - religiously - every single time - the 40th possible answer was 'Tawny Kitaen'

I don't even remember why I started doing it, but by the 700th poll, it was pretty much written in stone.

The Final Answer shall be Tawny Kitaen.

This became so prevalent that to this day, any question I ask will be answered by 'Tawny Kitaen' roughly 60% of the time.  Seriously.  Go back and check my old Facebook posts if you think I'm making this up. (which just goes to prove - Helping the Hopeless folks are the best folks ever.  Because they know how to take a joke that's run into the ground and run that bitch in further just for the sheer freakin' joy of it.  Love you guys.)

And THAT is what the poll function is for, bitches.

Vizsla out.

Yeah... We Don't Say That...

I've been meaning to talk about this for a while now.  And to be honest I'm not entirely positive that I haven't at some point, so if - a hundred or so posts on - I start to repeat myself, please forgive an old dog trying to make a point.

There a a hell of a lot of frankly offensive anti-dog sayings out there.

I'll preface the imminent discussion with a moment of context.  Once, many years ago, I actually heard someone refer to another person as a 'Native-American Giver'.

Yes, take a moment with that.

I'd like to be able to tell you that I took them aside and explained how the word 'Indian' in the original expression wasn't really what was offensive about the saying, but in reality I think I just quietly killed off that last dying ember of hope for any future for the human race and went on with my day.

So what I'm saying here is that I am fully aware that it's the context that matters, rather than the surface level specifics.

That said - here are a few dog-related expressions that I think we should talk about.

A Dog's Breakfast

Common Usage:  'Man, you made a right Dog's Breakfast out of that assignment'

Implication - A complete and disgusting mess.  You know, like what a dog might eat.  In the morning.

Ok.  I acknowledge that the fact that I regularly eat my own vomit and feces does not, in point of fact, help my case here.  BUT.  Just because you CHOOSE to feed me mixed up scraps of meat-like product in gravy does not mean that I would not prefer to be eating fine fillet with a cheeky bordeaux.

The problem isn't what I'm willing to eat for breakfast, buddy.  The problem is what YOU are willing to serve.

Dog Tired

Common Usage:  'Man, I am dog tired'

Implication - Exhausted, ready to drop.  Worked so hard that one literally has no more energy to give.  (Mild implication of 'lazy'.

I admit.  I have frequently in the past acknowledged that nobody likes a nice nap like a Vizsla does.  However, that nap is frequently following a hard day chasing bunnies away from your precious garden, and this is the thanks I get?

Points for the implication that I work hard.  Points deducted for the implication that I'm lazy.  That's all I'm sayin', yo.


Dog Eared

Common Usage:  The book was old, with many Dog Eared Pages.

Implication - Folded over, Tattered, care-worn.

I acknowledge that I initially overreacted on this one.  Once you actually think about it, the reference is clearly just that the folding over of a corner of the page is a lot like the adorable way a dog's ear folds over.

HOWEVER - The association with old and falling apart items is not flattering.  Not.  At.  All.


Bitch, Please.

No, I'll give you this one.  Bitches be crazy, yo.


It's a Dog Eat Dog World.

Common Usage:  It's a Dog eat Dog world.

Implication - Dogs go around eating each other because we have a concept of good and evil.

Oh.  Wait.  No, we don't.  You know who's shitty to each other for no reason?  People.  Leave the dogs out of it, please.


There are plenty more, but it's time for my Mani-Peti, so I'll just leave you with this-

Anytime a human being tries to attribute a negative stereotype on a dog, you know who they're really talking about?

Other people.

Now if you'll excuse me, I have a cheeky Bordeaux waiting to go alongside my dinner.

The Accent Shell Game

Like most interesting discussions, it begins with Rachel Griffiths.

{this is the point where historically I would include a picture of her to remind the philistines amongst ye who I'm talking about.  Unfortunately, due to my ongoing issue with suddenly learning that there is a thing called 'copyright', I am unable to do so at the present time.  I promise that I'll resume amusing imagery once I get the swing of public domain artwork.  In the interim, remember any of her memorable scenes as Brenda on Six Feet Under - Possibly take a moment to pleasure yourself (it's not about judging) - and then come back to us}

It's fairly common knowledge that the best movie in the whole world is Murial's Wedding.  Not only is it a great script on its own, but it also gave the world Rachel Griffiths and Toni Collette - Which means that it is directly responsible for The United States of Tara, and so you probably should go ahead and send the universe a thank you card at this point.

The relevant info here being that Rachel Griffiths - like Toni Collete, not that you'd know it from The Sixth Sense - is from Australia.

Which means that her natural speaking voice involves a quite nice Australian accent.

So the other night, as I was channel surfing out of lack of anything productive to do, I came across a show on some broadcast network that featured Rachel Griffiths* and was completely unsurprised to hear her speaking with an American accent.  That is, after all, what Aussie actors do these days.  See also: the Thor/Avengers franchise.

*It turned out to be something called Camp.  I'd never heard of it and initially thought it might be Parenthood, but that's just because that features Peter Krause - -who was her boyfriend/Husband on Six Feet Under - and actually DOES have an American accent as he comes from my own home state of Minnesota, but in deference to the Hollywood machine plays down the long 'o's and delightfully casual attitude toward diphthongs that the Minnesota accent normally entails.  Amazingly enough, this will all become relevant in a few paragraphs from now.

Which brings me to England.

Or more specifically, to portions of England that don't, in the strictest manner of speaking, actually exist.

There's a thing in British Television, Film, and Broadcast News called 'Received Pronunciation'.*

* I should acknowledge for the British Readership (and hello there Mr. Quinn - looking fabulous as always, and my word have you been working out?) that I'm getting a lot of this third hand and besides which have a noted tendency to just make shit up when I'm not certain of the details.  So feel free to gently correct me in the comments below if I get something egregiously wrong.

As far as I can make out, this was initially developed in parallel with the rise of film and telly as a way for the upper class to be able to saved from having to hear anything at any time that might remind them that poor people exist.  What it meant in practice (and still does, largely) is that anyone at all involved with being filmed or recorded at any point was taught quite vociferously how to pronounce words in a very specific, vaguely upper-class way in which no one actually spoke in real life.

Giles on Buffy the Vampire Slayer uses received pronunciation, if that clarifies exactly the tone and cadence I'm talking about. As does Wesley Wyndam-Pryce, played by Alexis Denisof.

In reality, Anthony Head (who played Giles) speaks in roughly East End style and actually sounds more or less like James Marsters' Spike on the same program.

Which is amusing, because James Marsters is from Northern California and sounds almost exactly like Keanu Reeves in Point Break.  As does Alexis Denisof, for that matter.

In order to accommodate the various needs of drama the British Broadcasting Corporation (founded - sort of - after World War II in order to force the population to have access to culture) also taught actors 'Mockney' (which is really what Spike of Buffy sounds like - a sort of parody of Cockney that actual EastEnders would speak) and something that they call a 'Mummerset' accent, which is roughly the equivalant of the standard US 'Ignorant Southern' such as is spoken by Cletus the Slack Jawed Yokel on The Simpsons.

The way it breaks down on British programming until very recently was-

Received Pronunciation = Educated.  Probably Middle to Upper Class.
Mockney - Devious, clever, and probably wanted by the police
Mummerset - From anywhere in England that wasn't London.  Stupid.
Scottish - Cheap and Angry
Irish - Drunk

Things are loosening up now of course, to the extent that when Christopher Eccleston took on the role of The Doctor in the 2005 Doctor Who revival he was actually allowed to use his real accent (Salford) and furthermore, even had that correctly identified as 'Northern' as opposed to just 'Not London'.

It was slightly let down by Scottish-accented David Tennant following him up with pure 100% Mockney...  But still.  Progress.

The point of the story - If you want to work in Television or Film, you should probably put on a ridiculous fake accent as far away from your own as possible if you want to have any chance of being able to use your actual accent in your working career.

Also, you should really watch both Six Feet Under and Murial's Wedding, because Rachel Griffiths is freakin' AWESOME in both.

Vizsla out

Quickly! To the MammalJet!

If you're like me, and I know I am, then you'll have had your attention focused today on an announcement out of Washington D.C. 

The zoological world is abuzz today (More than usual!*) over the discovery of a hitherto unknown mammal.

World, meet the Olinguito!**

*See what I did there?  Because of bees... and you know... other buzzing animals... oh never mind.  Honestly people, I give and I give..

** No relation to Lena Olin.  Or Ken, as far as I know, although to be honest I haven't really done the research on that one.

A smallish raccoon sized mammal that lives in the Andes mountains in Ecuador, it has previously been mistaken for it's cousin, the slightly larger Olingo.  I know - we're all mortified at having made such an obvious blunder.  I know I personally pride myself on my finely honed Olingo-Identifying skills.

Apparently, it was discovered thusly - Kristofer Helgen, the Smithsonian's curator of mammals, was looking through some drawers of dead mammals that he had laying around, when he realized that one of them wasn't an Olingo, but was in fact an entirely new and distinct species.  So he popped down to Ecuador to do a little research, found some, and determined that - yup - they were just different enough to count as a new species.  BINGO - New Mammal.  (Must remember to patent Bingo variant called 'Olingo' where you can play O's on either side...)

Let's take just a moment to note the ways in which Kris' job is more awesome than yours:

1:  He spends his days poking through draws of preserved animal carcasses just for funsies.  (a little creepy, I admit.  But I'd take this over finance reports any day)

2:  It's within his remit to pop off to Ecuador just to check out a hunch.  ECUADOR.  There are days when I can't justify the three minutes it would take to go to the bathroom.  Kris goes to South America.  Your argument is invalid.

3:  His title is CURATOR OF F*CKING MAMMALS.  I apologize for the salty language there, but I felt like the emphasis was necessary.  This is his business card-

Unless you are the Cophrages Commissioner or the King of the Reptile People, Kristopher owns you.  Just accept it.

As a side note - normally I would have included a picture of the l'il critter (who is, I might add, cute as a button) but it's been brought to my attention that you're actually only supposed to use images that are either out of copyright or that you've paid for and so I'm already in the process of overhauling a LOT of earlier posts and don't need to add to the problem, thank you very much.

Superhero, or Stripper...

I know what you're thinking. 

You're a little confused about your place in the general scheme of things. 

You're having a crisis of personal identity. 

You're not clear why, exactly, you're wearing spandex.

In short, you are facing the age-old dilemma - Am I a Superhero?  Or am I a Stripper?

Have no fear, the Vizsla is here to help.  Just work your way through the following handy list of assessment questions.

As always- you're welcome, planet.

Superhero or Stripper 

Self assessment questionnaire

1: Do you have washboard abs and less than 4% body fat?

If no, you are neither a superhero nor a stripper. 

If yes - Inconclusive.  This points equally well in either direction - Proceed to question 2

2:  Do you own more than one item of clothing designed to be torn away quickly in order to reveal what is underneath?

If no, you are neither a superhero nor a stripper.

If yes - also inconclusive.  Proceed to question 3

3:  Do you, on a regular basis, find it necessary to remove your outerwear in public in response to shouting?

If no, you are neither a superhero nor a stripper.

However, based on your answer to question 1 we'd like to encourage you to keep this policy in place.

If yes - dammit... also inconclusive.  Depends on what sort of shouts we're talking about, now doesn't it.

4:  Do you live in fear of your friends and family learning about what you do at night?

If no, you are either not a Superhero or a Stripper, or you're just fairly well adjusted about your place in the scheme of things.  Good on you, either way.

If yes-  Goddammit.  Inconclusive.  Man, this is turning out to be less helpful than I initially imagined...

5:  Do you have an arch-enemy?

If no, you're probably not a superhero.  Possibly not a stripper either, but let's ask a follow up question...

5a:  Is that Arch Enemy Crystal Meth or Ketamine?

If yes you're probably a stripper.  

6: Has anyone in recent memory shoved currency into your underwear?

If Yes, go to question 6a

6a:  Was it work-related?

If yes, you're a stripper.  

Unless Kingpin has some fetishes I'm not currently aware of and sometimes Daredevil just gets lonely. 

If No - and you answered yes to all above questions...

Congratulations.  You are a superhero.

That is not, however, going to help you pay for law school.