About that Yeti Noises thing...

Longtime readers occasionally ask me - Hey, what's this whole 'yeti noises' thing that you occasionally mention? 

Is that a thing? 

What's a Yeti and why do they make noises?

Do these pants make my butt look fat?

And most importantly, is there a fancy vocab word you'd like to use this as an excuse to throw out there?

Well, in order -

It's a thing I'm about to describe, Yes, Yeti is another name for the Abominable Snowman (which is catagorically different from Bigfoot, also know as a sasquatch).  No, you should learn to be comfortable in your own skin, and yes of course it is.

Tonight's word is 'Cryptozoology' which is the study of mythical or imaginary animals.  Or if one is feeling more generous, it's the stufy of animals not yer proved to exist.

So, you know - Your Yeti, Your Loch Ness Monster, Your werewolf.  Pretty much if it ever menaced Tom Baker it's probably on the list.

And what does this have to do with Vizslas?

Well I am glad you asked.  Vizslas- well this one at least- periodically like nothing better than to roll frantically on our backs (preferably on carpet or some textured surface that makes for a pleasurable scratching experience) and make noises that can only be described as somewhere between a growl and a deep-throated moan of pleasure 

These are the fabled Yeti Noises, dubbed such by auntie.

They are the official noise of happiness.

As you were, Vizsla Out

Things would probably be pretty different if Phylicia Rashad ruled the world

And by ruled the world I of course mean, with omnipotent god-like powers.  Because, honestly, what is the point of ruling the world is one does not have omnipotent god-like powers.  It Hitler had had the benefit of watching Doctor Who even just through the Tom Baker years he would have understood that.

But I digress-

If Phylicia Rashad ruled the world-

Her career probably would not have started with an acclaimed Broadway run in Raisin in the Sun, but instead would have been more about crushing her enemies and consuming their souls.

This is just common sense really.

If you wanted Fame, then right there is where you would start paying.  In Sweat.

This comment probably makes no sense if you aren't aware that Debbie Allen is her younger sister

Everybody would not Hate Chris, and the show would still be running

She was on it, you know.

Madeline Kahn would still be alive and thriving.  As would Gilda Radner.  

Because The Rashad (as she would be known) would be a benevolent God and NOT hate funny women.  In direct contrast to our current arrangement (See: Gracie Allen) 

Madeline Kahn was on the show Cosby with her, if you're confused by the connection.  And if you do not realize that Madeline Kahn was the funniest woman in the history of the Universe, I refer you to the film 'Clue'  (Cluedo if you're all European about it)

There would be Consequences for The Village People

Although I am not entirely sure if they would be positive or negative...  She was, apparently, married to their lead singer Victor Willis for 4 years.  Despite the many MANY reasons why that seems unlikely.

Happy Springtime, and Goodness, isn't that a lot of feces...

So the snow has melted and the sun is finally out.  The time of year has at last come when a hunting breed's thoughts turn to bunnies.

Also, if you live with three other dogs there is a ridiculous amount of poop unveiled for the delight of the neighborhood.

And so it is with heavy heart and durable lawn bags that daddy sets forth to clean up an  unreasonable amount of waste from the back yard.

It is in appreciation of this, that I post Daddy's Love Song to Jane (Espenson) because nothing says thank you like allowing your parents to vicariously live out their own failed music industry dreams through your career.

I am exactly like Justin Bieber.


Thanks, Dad (and Jane Espenson)

It's all cool. Take Two

So yesterday afternoon I was thinking about Joseph Gordon-Levitt.


(You have no idea how tempted I am to just leave this blog post at that one sentence...)

For those who don't immediately recognize the name - He first rose to fame as the kid on Third Rock From the Sun, where he made the notable achievement of holding his own with John Lithgow, which is honestly no small feat.

This is him today (well, not TODAY literally, but 'these days')

Joseph Gordon-Levitt, being unexpectedly awesome

Stumbled across this the other day, and I suddenly realized.

Joe G-L is Stealth Cool.

He never really fell off the radar, but without us really noticing he went from being 'That Kid Who was Funnier than French Stewart' (I'm sorry, he was) to being unbelievably cool guy in the above video that you did not bother to click on the link for just casually throwing out a cover of Lithium like that's what we all do in our spare time.  His is an extreme form of what I call 'Neil Patrick Harris syndrome'.  

Which is when it occurred to me how many different manifestations of cool there are.

Neil Patrick Harris Cool

Now, it's no secret that Neil Patrick Harris was, somewhere about 5 years ago, declared Coolest guy on the Planet.  The guy makes magic cool.  The man more or less single-handedly brought back the word 'awesome'.  

He once accepted an award for his role in Doctor Horrible's Sing Along Blog with the words "I would say that Nathan Fillion is like the most genuine nicest guy to work with, but that would be a lie. Uh, he's a dick. And he pads his junk. Thanks so much!"

This was Doogie Howser

And so he is the living symbol of this type of cool - The 'I was really NOT cool, then you lost track of me and I cam back THE COOLEST EVER'

You know, like how we all wanted our 10 year high school reunions to go down.

Betty White Cool

Betty White has always been pretty cool.  Everybody knows that.  What is less frequently observed is that she is clearly the beneficiary of what I can only describe as an 'Awsomeness-Tontine' (you'll have to google it) with the rest of the cast of the Golden Girls, taking their cool into her own possession as each of them passed.

Well played, Betty.

Perception Filter Cool

I'm talking about the Tom Petty school of cool here.  There has never been a moment when Tom wasn't cool in the last several decades.  But, much like the Silence, when you look away from him it is somehow instantly wiped from your mind until the next time you hear the opening riff to American Girl and think, 'Oh yeah-  He's really awesome'

I come from a long line of cool

Joss Whedon's father wrote for the aforementioned 'Golden Girls'  

His Grandfather wrote for 'Your Show of Shows'

If awesome was money from bootleg whiskey, Joss would be a member of the Kennedy family.

Casual Cool

This is the Felicia Day philosophy.  By apparently putting absolutely no effort into seeming cool-  and indeed by appearing to put effort into NOT looking cool, witness The Guild, she somehow makes everything she does look like the coolest thing ever.

Who else has both sung on stage with Jonathan Coulton AND crocheted a freakin mouse with Colin Ferguson.  And yet she's all like 'No big, whatevs' and somehow she makes the term 'Whatevs' cool despite the fact that it clearly isn't.

Now if you'll excuse me, I need to disappear for a few hours and suddenly reappear ten times cooler.

Vizsla out

The different types of cool.

I will go into this in great detail tomorrow.  right now I have had a great quantity of beer and need to lay down.  Tune in tomorrow.

Vizsla out

I'm so happy to see you, let me bite your face off!

So, longtime readers will be aware that I share the house with (among other dogs) a Border Healer who just turned one year old.  (He's the product of a Border Collie/Blue Heeler union.  Do not judge their love.  I like to spell it Border Healer, because - as previously stated - if you have two options you should always go with the more amusing one.)

His name is Jake  And since I've learned to imbed picture (Suck it, Air Bud!) here is one of him-

And here is one of me watching TV

 And here is one of a pug dressed like Yoda, because I have an incredibly short attention span.

SO Awesome.

Needs no Saber

Needs no Blaster

He's both pug and Jedi Master.

I'm sorry, what was I talking about again?

Ah, Jake.  Right.

So, like a lot of one year olds, Jake is incredibly excitable.  Unlike a lot of one year olds, Jake can actually jump about six feet straight up in the air from a dead stop.  (Again I say 'Suck it, Air Bud!)

The combination of these two things has resulted in Jake's current traditional greeting- Wag Wag Wag Bite your nose off.

Is this a step up or down from his previous traditional greeting, which earned him the nickname 'Nut-Punch'?  I'll leave that for history to decide.

Excuse me, it's time to roll on my back and make Yeti Noises.

And that's why it's a mistake to try

A fair few years ago I knew a guy who was an actor.  And despite the fact that he was a great big teddy bear of a guy once you actually spoke to him, he was physically quite intimidating- again, until you actually spoke to him.

Of course, this led to him constantly being cast in mean/tough guy parts which - hey, at least he was working- so that's all well and good.

Until he got a role on America's Most Wanted, reenacting scenes as a crazed drug lord who'd killed a fairly impressive amount of people.

At which point he started having to carry proof of identity AND details of his TV contract EVERY SINGLE PLACE HE WENT.  Because well intentioned people kept calling the police and reporting him as a crazed murderous drug lord.

Seriously, this happened many times.

On the other hand, I also knew a guy in the mortgage industry (back before they destroyed the entire economy of the free world and earned the right to be hunted like vermin...) who was trying to get a loan underwritten, only to continually run up against a brick wall whenever he tried to verify where exactly the borrower in question was going to be getting the twenty thousand dollars in question.

Finally he told the guy, 'look, Guy, you have until tomorrow to verify where this money is coming from or the deal is off.'

And the next day the guy showed up with certified funds from the FBI from turning in his roommate, for whom he had discovered there was a significant reward offered due to him being a horrible HORRIBLE person who had done some truly terrible things. He had just been unable to say anything about the investigation until the roommate had been arrested.

The moral of the story-

It doesn't matter if you're good, bad, guilty or innocent.  Other people are just going to come along and fuck it up for you either way.

-Vizsla Out.

Happy Sickday! I got you a card and a pony.

Now, I'll be the first to admit that Vizslas are not exactly a comprehensive source of information about human holidays.

That said, I have managed to piece together a pretty fair picture of what I think is going on:

The one with the tree

Which is celebrated with three solid days of cleaning and fighting about money - Then pie.

The one with the Ham

The same as Treeday, except instead of fighting about money this one is traditionally celebrated by yelling at the Vizsla for tracking in mud

The one with the turkey

Cleaning, rolling in some leaves, then sleeping in front of football.

That day we drink a lot of wine

This holiday is celebrated a lot at our house.

Seriously, this must be a REALLY important one to people.

And while I kind of don't understand Treeday, Hamday, Turkeyday and Wineday(s), at least their customs are readily observable for the interested dog to note so that they might be more prepared to eat even greater amounts of Ham/Turkey/Meatloaf the following year.  (Meatloaf is the traditional Treeday dinner.  Don't know why.  Possibly in memory of Saint Meat.  Or possible Saint Loaf.)

Then there are the smaller less-about-giving-people-food-to-the-vizlsa holidays.

There are things called 'birthday's which even we dog-kind get to celebrate.  The border healer just had his first one the other day and as a celebration we were all given several chicken flavor carvers, which are (barring ham) just about the best thing ever.  People generally receive cards and gifts on their 'birthday's but in that dogs generally don't read or need stuff, I'm happier with our traditions

Then there are some holidays that people celebrate by nothing more than just not getting out of bed in the morning (Something that I choose to view as an oblique tribute to vizslas, as we totally ROCK at not getting out of bed)  There's something called presidents day, which seems to commemorate a sale.  And 4th of July, which I personally am not a fan of because everything becomes chemically unstable and liable to explode as the day goes on, and if you bark to daddy to point this out he gets irritable.

But this most mysterious of all the just-stay-in-bed holidays is this thing called 'Sickday'

So far all I've managed to piece together about it is that one traditionally begins the celebrations with a congratulatory phonecall to one's employer, commemorating the occasion.  (so it's possibly something to do with secretaries day..?) And then either laying down on the bed or the couch, whereupon one watches lots and lots of Doctor Who.

As holiday's go, it's pretty low key, but I do have to mention that the traditional sick day meal (Chicken noodle soup out of a can heated in the microwave and ginger ale on ice) SUCKS when compared to Hamday or Turkeyday meals.

And get this - No one even comes by with a card or gifts!

I know, right?

And attempting to pep up the Sickday celebrations with a little tug the rope or ballplay (easy there shriner!) is NOT looked upon favorably.

Also, this being a holiday, I think it's reasonable to assume that there was some pleasantly non-offensive pagan holiday on the date and the early christian church co-opted it with their feast day to Saint Sick because it was easier to just pretend that everybody was celebrating their holiday instead of going to all the effort of creating something positive or productive of their own.  But I'm really just playing the odds there.

I still say there should be cards and gifts though

Vizsla out

Just a reminder

Vizslas don't blog on Sundays

Although let's take this moment to mention that if you like the Vizsla, you should share the Vizsla.  Or maybe follow him on twitter at @the42ndvizsla

Vizsla out

Let's try to stay on topic, people

A little note of explanation first-

One of the cool features of blogspot is that it tells you the countries that your readers are in.

This is how I know that the Vizlsa has a few readers in Russia, a couple in Germany, and one in Singapore.

To you I say, respectively, Zdravstvujtye, Guten Tag, and Hey there Nick.

It's to you that I preface this piece-  In the US we have a game we call 'Football' that is completely NOT the game that the rest of the planet calls 'Football'  It's more like playing rugby while dressed up as a robot. 

We also have something we call a 'world series' to which we don't invite any other countries to compete.*  That's just how we roll.

*OK, Canada.  But they don't really count

I should also mention that I don't include the UK readers in this introductory explanation as they have been cheerfully mocking us for all these things for years and thus are already up to speed.   Hey there Mr. Quinn, all the same.

SO

A few years back, daddy and Grampa had season tickets to the Vikings (on the off chance that we acquire readership in Norway at some stage, that's the name of the local football team.  I'm not entirely sure whether I need to apologize for it or not, so I'll just move on...)

The Vikings have a long and not particularly productive rivalry with the Green Bay Packers (that's the team from Wisconsin.  It's another of the states in the middle.  It's named after their then-flourishing meat-packing industry.  Just roll with this for the moment.)

So, anytime the Vikings and Packers play a game against each other, people get pretty worked up about it.  (That's 'worked up' by American standards.Roughly one-third the level of Manchester United)  During these games people spend a lot of time shouting about how the other team sucks by using such clever slogans as 'your team sucks'

Which is all well and good, when those happen to be the two teams playing.

One of the problems - one of the MANY problems - with average Vikings fans (and I actually am one, so I'm not just being bitchy here) is that they tend to feel SO much hostility towards the packers that they feel the need to shout about them regardless of WHO the Vikings happen to be playing at that moment.

Which seems like a waste of effort to me.

This leads to a lot of conversations at games along the lines of-

"Packers suck!"
"We're playing the Ravens, aren't we?"
"Packers suck!"
"I don't think they're even playing today..."
"Packers suck!"
"Are we watching the same game?"

And then things go downhill from there.

And so, one particularly cold December afternoon, the Vikings had just won a game against some team that was steadfastly insisting on NOT being the Green Bay Packers.  I think it was The Buccaneers or something. (Do we need to apologize to Pirates for this one?)

A large and particularly beer soaked fan walking out of the dome shouted 'Vikings rule!'  Which, if nothing else, was at least relevant to what we'd just been watching.  Plus they HAD actually won, so- fair enough.

A larger and more beer soaked fan next to him responded in kind with 'Packers suck!'

At which point daddy yelled at the top of his lungs 'I hate peas!' on the principle that if we were going to start yelling out things that had nothing to do with today's game, it might as well be about a topic he was interested in.

There was a moment of confused silence.

Then the woman walking next to daddy turned to him and said, her voice full of amazement at the liberating step the conversation at taken, 'You're right!  Peas Suck!!'

It was at this point that several of the fans in the immediate vicinity picked up on what was going on and joined in with a mighty chant of 'Vikings rule!  Peas suck!'  Which they repeatedly at larger and larger volume all the way to the parking ramp.

I suppose the moral of the story is that is they're going to refuse to stay on topic anyway, you might as well keep yourself amused.

Vizsla rules. 

Peas suck.

George Arf Arf Martin

This may come as a shock, but I need to get something off my fuzzy white chest

(OK, that sounded creepy, but let's all remember that I'm a dog...)

I think I may officially be the last dog in America to not have seen, read, or interacted in any way with Game of Thrones

-What the Vizsla knows about Game of Thrones-

*It's a series of seven books, marred only slightly by the fact that two of them haven't been written yet

*The books are released at the rate of approximately one every geological age.  I think book three came out in the Paleozoic.  (other notable celebrities who share a birthdate in the Paleozoic era include Fish and Arthropods!)

*After publishing each 900+ page novel the author (one George R. R. Martin) enters a pupating hibernation cycle

*Nothing good happens to Sean Bean.  Although he's kind of made a career out of that, so we shouldn't worry about it

*Season 6 of the HBO series is going to encounter some significant production problems.



All of which, I feel, kind of validates my decision not to become involved with the series in any way.  At some point, should George (or 'The Great Bearded Glacier' as a particularly amusing Paul and Storm song names him) actually live long enough to finish the last two books I will probably pick up the first one and plow through, because enough people whose opinions I respect seem to think they're really good.  I'm just not willing to go through the 'Deadly Hallows' experience again. 

Here's a link to the P&S song, by the by.  I don't own it or them, nor do they own me, which explains why they rarely give me snausages.

Write Like The Wind (George R.R. Martin)

Vizsla Out

Seriously, Mother Nature?

Note:  As I type this (which is harder than you might imagine, in that I have no opposable thumbs thank you very much) it is currently snowing.  6-10 inches.  On April 19th: A day in which your average domestic breed might expect sunny weather and possibly bunnies to chase.

Now, as a sporting breed I actually like snow.  Plus I'm Hungarian, which means that I'm totally down with both  A: being cold for most of the year, and B: being  intermittently invaded from either side.

But still... SERIOUSLY?

And while we're talking about Hungary-  Were you aware that ownership of a Vizsla in Hungary was at one time a sign of being nobility?

Which is all very flattering and all that... until the revolution comes and the peasants rise up.  You know what happens then?   Nothing good for the Vizlsas, that's what!

Which is just my roundabout way of saying- haven't we, the Vizslas suffered enough?

Knock it off already!

Vizsla out.

Unicorns: Adorable or TERRIFYING

Just letting you know right up front: If you haven't seen the movie Cabin in the Woods, I'm going to totally ruin it for you about halfway through this entry.

You've been duly notified.

So.

Unicorns

OR

First some fun facts about Unicorns that you might not know. 

1:  Wikipedia was unable to tell me why they are called Unicorns and not Unihorns in the amount of time that it took me to lose interest in finding out the answer.

(to be fair, I have to assume some of the blame on this one)

2:  They bleed glitter.

(Totally true.  All the glitter in the world is the result of one 

enterprising 13th century woodsman with a shiv.)

3:  There is apparently a black market for their kidneys

(You'll have to google it)

So round about the 14th or 15th time of Watching Cabin in the Woods 

(LAST CHANCE TO TURN AWAY) 

I found myself thinking 

(NO, REALLY.LAST CHANCE TO TURN AWAY, 

I'M ABOUT TO TOTALLY SPOIL THE MOVIE)

It totally makes sense that one of the possible options that the trapped college co-eds are presented with when forced to choose the form of their killer out of all those creepy totem objects in the basement in order to appease the ancient gods under the coordination of Bradley Whitfield and the Dad from 6 feet under is a Unicorn.

(Well, you wouldn't be told.)

In the last act of the film, when all of the possible killing monsters are rampaging through the underground base, and out of nowhere there's a unicorn, and the employee guy is like 'Awwww.... a unicorn', and the unicorn is like 'Fuck you buddy, I'm a Unicorn!' and then gores the crap out of him...

(You should still totally watch the movie if only to see this moment)

I can't help but watch that and think... how are unicorns not ALWAYS terrifying???

(And honestly, there's some good stuff I haven't spoiled here)

It's a freakin' UNBROKEN HORSE WITH A HORN!

(Like when Bradley Whitfield gets killed by the Merman)

At what point did we decide as a people that a wild animal than can gore you with little to no effort WASN'T terrifying?

(Crap.  Forget I said that about the merman...)

So, thank you, Cabin in the Woods.  Not just for being awesome, but also for restoring unicorns to their rightful place in our culture-  As objects of terror.  

(And I would totally go to the movie 

where the Unicorn kills a bunch of coeds in a cabin.)

Vizsla Out.

I don't think we can legitimately blame Mark Harmon for this...

Years ago I came across the interesting (and possibly untrue) bit on information that apparently Harrison Ford is a trained helicopter pilot and occasionally donates his services in rescue missions for local government agencies.

Now, I have absolutely no idea if this is true, but I'm going to proceed in the belief that it is, because it is my firm policy that when faced with two possibilities one should always believe the more amusing option.

So let's picture, if we will - We're a hiker.  Possibly a lonely middle aged housewife who's desperately latched onto some light hiking in the foothills to try to fill the void where love should be.  Suddenly we realize - there's a fire spreading rapidly all around us!  Our way back is blocked in a fiery inferno!  In desperation we make for the foothills, but no luck!  They're blocked too, probably by bobcats!  With Harpoon Guns!  And those bobcats are totally looking for payback because they live in what's called an 'ecotone' and resent the encroachment.  (look it up later, it's not important right now.)

We're trapped!  All seems lost!

And then Han Freaking Solo descends from the sky in a helicopter to save us.  Probably shouting 'All Right Kid!  Now Blow this thing so we can all go home!' because I'm pretty sure that local government officials would insist on that.

Now...

I don't know about you, but I'd pretty much assume that I'd died.  And gone to either Heaven or Hell (depending on your views toward religion and Star Wars)

In either case, it's a reasonable bet that I'm going to still be standing there staring blankly at him trying to process the situation long after my charred and harpoon impaled body is located by the forest rangers.

Which brings me to Mark Harmon

A little backstory on how the Vizsla blogs.  About an hour ago I googled Mark Harmon because his name came to mind and I thought he might make a vaguely amusing topic to discuss.  I think I had some half formed idea concerning the film Summer School.

But that's not important anymore because I discovered a few things in my google (can I make a noun out of that?)

1:  He's apparently on NCIS, which I was unaware of and still don't really care about

2:  He's married to Pam Dawber (who I was mildly surprised to learn was still alive.  And yet has she written anything tender about the passing of Jonathan Winters?  Must check on that...)

3 Apparently in 1996 a couple guys were in a car wreck in front of his house.  He grabbed a sledgehammer, broke out the window and dragged them from the burning vehicle.  I'm assuming they went into slo-motion just as the car exploded.  Pam called 911 while he did so.

OK.... let's take that one again... from the drivers perspective...

You and your buddy are driving around.  Probably on your way to buy pot, or read to orphans or whatever, that part isn't important.

Suddenly, A raccoon darts in front of the car!  or possibly you're drunk, imdb didn't really say.  Your car flips over!  The dripping fuel ignites!  You and your buddy are moments away from a fiery end!

When suddenly the guy from St. Elsewhere is smashing out your windows with some sort of weapon of death!  In panic you flail around, only to see Mindy on the front porch!  She's making some kind of urgent phonecall.  Why isn't she with Mork?  Is she calling Mork?  OH MY GOD, IS SHE CHEATING ON MORK???  St. Elsewhere guy pulls you and your friend to safety.  The car explodes as the music crescendos... why are you suddenly in slo-mo?  And then...

It's over.

You're in the ambulance with only the vaguest idea of what just happened.

It's amazing they didn't sue, because I bet Mark and Pam are totally loaded and it WAS on their property.  Sort of.

I can't believe you never noticed that.

As time has gone by, I have become increasingly aware that there are a large number of things that are screamingly obvious to even the simplest Vizsla, and yet people seem curiously unaware of them.  I can't imagine why you don't see these things (and yet get all proud of yourselves for seeing the 'color red', whatever the hell that is)  BUT...


Here are some things that Vizsla's are shocked to discover that you don't notice-

1:  Ryan Gosling is clearly some sort of robot from the future.

Most likely some sort of hip-urban-jiggl-o-matic. Not sure why you don't notice it.  I mean - Have you SEEN Lars and the Real Girl?

2: Schroedinger was actually kidding.

Sure, NOW you're all down with light being both a particle and a wave, and everybody's going around discussing how you can know an electron's location OR it's momentum, but NEVER both, and HOW many times have I been at a tedious dinner party listening to some pretentious buffoon go on about the standard deviation of position σ_x and the standard deviation of momentum σ...  BUT-  When Schroedinger first considered it he basically said 'What a load of crap!  You might as well say that you can use math to prove that my cat is simultaneously dead and alive!'*

It was not intended to be the basis for a million oh-so-clever science references on Big Bang Theory.  It was what we in the Vizsla trade refer to as a reductio ad absurdum that got taken WAY too seriously.

Oh forget it.  Take a minute to look at Ryan Gosling's abs to clear your pretty little head and come back to me when you've calmed down.

*It would have sounded WAY classier when he said it, because it would have been in German.

3:  Border Healers are, for some reason, afraid of the ironing board.

Also the Vacuum cleaner.  And the Christmas tree.  And air.

4:  Daddy looks good in a suit

You'd be amazed how many people don't notice this.

5:  The fifth element is Boron

Not adamant.
Not quintessence.
CERTAINLY not Love.

It's Boron, people.

It's never saved the world from sexy french aliens,
but it IS a created by cosmic ray spallation and not by steller nuclearsynthesis,
so in this instance Bruce Willis can go suck it.

Vizsla out.  You may now recommence staring at Ryan Gosling.

Well, I guess that just about wraps it up for Lolita Davidovich

While thinking about other abstract and Vizlsa-related thoughts, I came to a realization.  

 

I have never seen a single film featuring Lolita Davidovich.

Seriously, out of her 38 credited films on imdb, this dog has seen the great big ‘0’  (disclaimer – I MAAAY have seen a few minutes of ‘Class’ a long time ago.  But I don’t really remember, and she’s only credited as ‘First Girl’ so I’m totally declaring that that does not count.)

Moving on in her imdb entry, I discover that I have ALSO never seen a single TV show that she’s been in.  Although that really just means that she’s never been in a show about Werewolves, Vampires, or Time Travelers.  

(Note to self…. Write spec script about Time Travelling Werewolf…)

And yet I not only know her name – I can also spell it correctly without looking it up.  For a Vizsla that’s pretty impressive.

Which makes me wonder how many OTHER completely useless pieces of information I have?  How many other ‘Lolita Davidoviches’ are there in my mind?  (I am totally coining this as a new term for any nugget of information that you know which has absolutely no further relevance in your life.)

Think of all the brain space I could be using for more productive ends.  Like… I don’t know… figuring out how to open the cabinet that has all the bags of treats in it, or how to successfully fight a land war on two separate fronts in Europe.

Maybe you should forget I mentioned that last one…

You knew it was going to come up sooner or later...

If you live in my house, there are a couple things that you can be pretty sure of.

1:  A sheltie will occasionally sit on you

and

2:  You're going to end up watching Doctor Who.  A LOT of Doctor Who.

(Also 3: When Grampa comes over it means you're going to get cookies.  Not strictly relevant to the topic at hand, but totally worth giving him a shout out for.)

But as I was saying...  Doctor Who.

For those of you who don't know, which until a few years ago would have been all of you (barring one or two exceptions), Doctor Who is a science fiction show made in England. 

Now, I'm not exactly sure where or what 'England' is, but I HAVE been to the park three blocks away, so I'm going to assume that England is farther away than that, and that when you are there you should be sure to have baggies to pick up your poop.

Vizslas- Not noted as global travelers. 

In any case, they apparently started making it before even daddy was born and six years before they invented 'color'.  I don't exactly know what color is either, but it seems like a big deal to people, so I thought I'd mention it.

They made it for a long time and told lots of stories, but then they cancelled it, sometime around the time Daddy was finishing something called 'high school' (I think it has something to do with learning to sit, stay, and dress and think exactly like the people around you in order to avoid social ostracism.  Seems like a strange way to spend time to me, but who am I to judge.)

Anyway, the upshot is that they eventually sold Daddy (and possibly one or two other people) video copies of all of these stories, which Daddy could then watch and enjoy and hide whenever other people came over to the house.  (No, I don't know why)

And this was all well and good and status-quo-y, but then a few years ago (eight years ago to be exact.  I remember it well. I was a mere pup of four, happily romping and rolling in the grass and making yeti-noises... .good times....good times...)

Ok, I'm back. Sorry, Vizslas are terribly prone to getting lost in the flashback.  As I was saying, eight years ago they started making NEW episodes of the show again.  And what's more, it was actually becoming cool to watch and know about!It was the dawn of a Golden Age!

The one problem was that they weren't actually showing any of the new show in this country, for reasons not entirely clear to Vizsla-dom.

Fortunately, one of Daddy's super awesome friends in this 'England' place, who was very thoughtful and not entirely restrained by anti-piracy law, recorded all of the new episodes onto a DVD and mailed them to Daddy, which made him just about the happiest ever.

He then insisted on making a sofa-cushion fort to sit in before he would allow himself to watch any of the new episodes- on the principle that back in HIS day that was how these things were done- thus conclusively proving that whilst liking Doctor Who might have become cool, there was certainly no chance that Daddy had..

So anyway, here we are 8 years later.  Kids in the current version of 'high school' are all wearing Doctor Who t-shirts and somehow NOT getting beaten up for it (an impossible feat in Daddy's day) and all is more or less well with the world.

Now could you please get this Sheltie off of my face?

A little known fact

Vizslas do not blog on Sundays.

No, that's fine. You just go to the beer bust without me. Whatever.

I mean, it's not like I think that hanging out with large groups of people is the most awesome thing ever or anything.  Nope, not at all.

Plus I don't actually drink, so I could totally be your designated driver, but... you know.. whatevs.  you have fun without me.  Ya bastard.

What?  No, I didn't say anything there.  You probably imagined it.

Shit, I bet there's totally going to be a meat raffle.

GodDAMN it.

I never get to go the the American Legion anymore.  And it's not like that's likely to happen TWICE in the same place, right?  I mean, am I right??

I'm totally going to let the border healer eat the loveseat while you're gone.

Things that Vizsla's do not do.

I know that it's easy to look at a Vizsla and think, 'Hey, there is nothing that they can't do'

And you would of course be right.

There are however several things that the Vizsla will not do.  Because Vizsla's are different than people.  And by different I mean better.  And yes, I totally stole that line from Better off Ted.  (Seriously - Portia DiRossi.  SOMEBODY find that woman a long term vehicle!)

Things that Vizsla's do NOT do-



Judge

Hey, you could have spent your day being a psychotic self-obsessed dictator who moved all his missiles to his border with South Korea that morning.  Come nightfall I would still totally let you rub my belly.  Because that's how vizslas roll.

and while we're on the subject...



Move All Their Missiles to Their Border With South Korea.

Not cool, Un.  Not cool.


However you're in luck, because Vizsla's also do not...


Hold a Grudge 

That's right.  Even if you are the Border Healer that has totally been biting my ankle ALL day long, I will still totally spoon with you.  I will spoon the CRAP out of you.  Because I weight three times what you do and forget that a lot of the time.  So I'm hoping you also do not hold grudges


Get involved in a land war in Asia

It's one of the classic blunders, you know. Also never go up against a Sicilian when death is on the line.  Also wear sunscreen.


Jump out of a canoe in the middle of a lake

because apparently that's 'wrong'


Tear up plants and throw them all over grandpa's house

No sir.  Never would.  Why would you even ask?


Lie

Ok, I totally destroyed Grandpa's house.  I was young.  And it made me really sick.  Can we call that even?


Become the Bass Player for the Red Hot Chili Peppers

No opposable thumbs.

See, now this is why Vizslas are better than people

I don't want to get all confrontational about it, but for the love of biscuits human beings, could you please make an effort to stop being such gigantic assholes?

Case in point - I read a news story earlier (yes, Vizslas love to read) about a guy in Wisconsin who beat another guy into unconsciousness with a piece of wood.  And yet his wife was allowed to continue working at a local diner called 'Applebees' with the guy he assaulted.

Can I even count the ways that Vizslas wou;d never encounter this problem.

I mean, first of all, no self respecting Vizsla would ever work at a chain restaurant.

So where do we, as a people, stand on Alan Thicke?

On his Xiphoid Process.

Ba dum chunk.

(it's the little notchy bit just south of your sternum.  Vizsla = Knowledge)

But seriously.

Are we cool with Alan Thicke now?  Do we still look down on him?  Has his occasional bit on How I Met Your Mother made us all good again?

The reason I ask is that I made a reference to Growing Pains the other day and someone commented that it was probably best to avoid being ANY of the cast members from that show which got me thinking...

Man do I like bacon.

Oh, right... Growing Pains

So, running down the cast list -

 Tracey Gold

 - Unfortunate

Kirk Cameron 

 Douchebag

That other kid that everyone forgets existed 

 Probably the best he could have hoped for

Andrew Koenig

Super Tragic

Joanna Kerns

 I actually had to look up who she was, so she's probably safe too

Alan Thicke

....

I think we all see where the data is pointing.

LEONARDO DiCAPRIO STOLE ALL OF THEIR KARMA FOR HIS OWN USE!

Not cool, Leo.

Not cool.

Houndsight is 20/20

Looking back on the 80s, as Vizsla's occasionally like to do, one thing becomes shockingly clear in retrospect.

There was a good solid year where that Cyndi Lauper/Madonna thing could have gone either way. 

They were interchangeable pop girls with chunky jewelery and crazy hair and you were just as likely to hear Lucky Star on the radio as you were to hear Time After Time.  Ultimately history came down on the side of Madonna sometime around the time when she happened to notice that 'yes, That David Bowie seems to still being doing well, how's he pulling that off?'

She wisely chose to follow the 'Change up your image every few years' thing, skipping right over the 'Do a lot of cocaine and store your urine in jars in the basement' part (at least as far as we know.) 

And so, True Blue came out, and Cyndi Lauper was relegated to history.

Eventually of course, sometime around the early Guy Ritchie years, History happened to notice where all this had taken Madonna, shuffled his feet awkwardly, and went to see if he still had Cyndi's number.

So, long story short... let's check back in on this one in about 10 years and see where we are.


Other notable cases of 'Could have gone either way'-

Jason Bateman/Kirk Cameron

There was a point when they were more or less the same.  Sure, NOW we know that one of them is awesome and the other is a gigantic douchebag trying to punish anyone who doesn't follow his religious mythology.  But at the time...

Arnold Schwarzenegger/Sylvester Stallone

Around the time of T2 and Stop or My Mom Will Shoot this seemed firmly decided.  Time, The Expendables, and hanging out with Jason Statham have since shown Sly to have a nicely self-deprecating sense of humility, so maybe we were wrong on this one

Gary Coleman/Emmanuel Lewis

Well, for some reason people still remember Gary Coleman's name, so I'm going to call this a win by default.

Blu-Ray/HDDVD

Yeah, you'd already forgotten they even existed, hadn't you.

So, This April Fools thing..

OK, I've been around the block a few times, but I just don't get this whole thing of picking a day once a year to play practical jokes on one another.  The old 'I'm bringing you back the tennis ball, oh no I'm turning away at the last second I AM TOTALLY NOT BRINGING YOU BACK THE TENNIS BALL' joke should plenty of funny for anyone.

Seriously, that never stops being funny.

Besides, I don't know how to break this to you, but Vizslas don't really get jokes.  Or irony. Or a lot of that last season of Lost.  What was up with that?  So they WERE dead?  Was THAT all some elaborate prank?

So, yes.  When you play some sort of elaborate practical joke on the Vizsla they are only going to stare at you blankly for a moment and then go back to rolling on their back making yeti noises.  No matter how well conceived or executed to prank may be.  Take, for example, that whole neutering thing.  (seriously, that WAS all a joke, right?  I mean... They are going to grow back... right...?)  I know it was a fair few years ago now, but even after the passage of time... still not funny.  Not even a little.

So anyway, April Fools Day is not destined to go down in the annals of popular Vizsla holidays.  Now if you'll excuse me, I've been assured that I have just won a basket full of slow moving bunnies and I only need to go blindfolded into the garage to collect them.

Yay, slow moving bunnies!